This is a tough one. I have an adult child living at home. 22 in the military, has a job, if you can call working 1 day a week a job, is in serious debt, pays no rent, and is struggling to figure his way out of the mess he's created of his life. I also have a SS18 that lives with us. My BS22 is hardly ever home. He is desperately looking for work, is trying to move out and he does his best to stay out of our way because he knows I want him OUT. DH doesn't really say much about it and I guess it's best he doesn't because it wouldn't sit well with me.

However, SS18 irks the shit outta me. He is lazy, does the bare minimum in school, sleeps all hours, drags his feet when he walks, drinks a gallon of iced tea a day, brings his friends over and feeds them all the food in the fridge and I am just sick of him. Day after day I repeatedly ask when is he getting a damn job, he stares at me as if I have 3 heads. He drives his dads car for no reason, just to joy ride, has run up the gasoline bill by 25%, and is just getting on my nerves. The bottom line is this..We will put up with our own kids shit and won't put up with someone else's kids shit, simply because those kids aren't ours.

Your DH is probably sick of your kids as you would be sick of HIS kids if you weren't their BM.

Just my opinion...

Ok, I'm one of those Sparents who constantly nags the skid and has higher expectations than either of his Bioparents have for him. And when skid is living in my home I do feel it necessary to be a consistently strict parent. But with that being said...

As my SS approached his late teen years, it became very obvious to me that my input was not valued by SS, BM or even DH. I recognized that I was basically powerless to do anything to help SS and that by continuing with my agenda I was only doing harm to my relationships with both SS and DH. So I chose to disengage. For me it was an all or nothing decision. I can't be expected to love the skid if I can't also discipline and help guide him into being a responsible person. So now I have no relationship with SS.

I can also tell you that my frustration with DH being a lax parent (i.e. less strict than me) had a strange affect and instead of dealing with DH I actually increased my nagging campaign against SS. (Wow - total AHA moment for me right there!)

I am really not sure what to tell you b/c I don't think it changes ever until they move out and then it can still be a problem. This is a thorn in my side for me. My son (19) lives with us and he works two jobs (now) and goes to the community college full time (dean's list). Okay, so sometimes he doesn't take out the trash or didn't put up his clothes in his room, me personally I really don't care. Shut the door. I do want him to pick up after himself like in the kitchen, etc., I am not his maid, but okay we all leave glasses in the sink for "mom" to put up! And just today, my DH called complaining he left a pizza box by the trash! Okay......

Why is it okay for your adult child to live at home without working or going to school? Step or bio you can bet I'd ride his ass.

Some people have different outlooks on this. When my brother graduates college, I can totally see him hanging out on my parents' couch for a couple years before he gets his act together. Not that it's right, but I would hope that if you know that it bothers your husband, you guys could meet together and talk about a compromise and a move out date

My wife just got the point that you describe with my SS and I. She climbed my ass for being on SS's ass constantly for his poor decisions and pathetic crap and she climbed SS-18's ass for being a lazy POS.

She was right on both accounts. I do ride his ass constantly and he is LAZY, Lazy, lazy.

I have been dad to my SS-18 since he was 1yo and yes, his crappy decisions do effect me and my marriage so I think I do have a right as a SParent to discipline when my spouse refuses to ... regardless of the age of the kid(s). If they are of adult age and in the family home or living on the family dime they do what I or my spouse tell them to do when I or my spouse tell them to do it or they move on.

Fortunately for me, in general, my wife agrees with me on this.

I won't abandon the Skid to a refrigerator box under and over pass but I also will not support endless bad decisions or ridiculous crap on his part.

To me it is not about "trying the best" that you, we, they can. As Yoda said "there is no try, there is only do". Adult age Kids as with any kid need the same consequences for try that they get for failing and they need to be rewarded for doing, to an age appropriate level of course. The ultimate reward for them is being self sufficient and in making their own decisions. The reward for the parent is a viable adult child who is a member of standing in the community and in getting to focus on the marriage without the distraction of children.

Anything else just facilitates manipulations by someone in the equation.

Rather than being in the middle it would be more effective if you (and my wife) sat down with the DH and worked out an adult kid plan and implement and enforce it together consistently. In reality there is no middle. The goal of any parent, step or bio, is to raise the (S)kid(s) to viable adulthood. In this effort the couple has to be a team when holding the kid accountable for performing and a team in implementing consequences for the kid when they fail to perform just as they reward the kid as a team when the kid performs well.

IMHO of course.

My opinion? I made it clear to my H that ALL "children", step and bio, need to be out of my house within 3 months after turning 18 and graduating high school (i.e. end of "summer vacation") unless they are a full-time college student or employed full-time and contributing to the household expenses and paying for all of their own personal expenses (i.e. clothing, transportation, etc.)

In addition to this, they will still be treated like my "child" as long as they live in my home, which means no guests over without permission first, curfews, household chores, etc.

Of course this doesn't sound like a very "fun" place to live for a new "adult" and it's not mean to be - the point is to give them a lot incentive to find some independence quickly!

My H says that I'm just saying all this because it's his kids who are the older lazy underachievers right now, and that I'll change my tune when my children are older, but I don't think so. My H & I (& SK's BMs) obviously have vastly different parenting styles, as I have been raising my boys with these goals in mind from the beginning and teaching them responsibility, accountability and independence with discipline now so that they will be better prepared when the time comes. This is how I was raised and I did have the SF who rode all of the kids butts all of the time (step and bio), as well as the "guilty daddy" I visited eow and yet my mom still managed to raise 5 children who never "boomeranged" after they left home and are now all independent and successful adults who are parents themselves, so I have a great example to follow! (Funny thing is, H had this same type of example with his upbringing, parents and sibilings too, yet somehow this valuable lesson escaped him?! I guess this speaks to the power of NCP "guilt"!)

Frankly I would rather help my boys pay some of the expenses to live on campus in college or with roommates in apartment when they grow up so I can have my home and my life back as an individual versus simply being a "Mommy", rather than deal with adult children in my home who are so comfortable they don't ever want to leave! I love you and I'll look forward to our visits, but you gotta go!