UPDATED: Don't even know what to say...
So I am apparently not allowed to display strong negative emotions in my SO's presents. :jawdrop:
Sorry this is long...most of my blogs seem to be these days. 
So Just had surgery on the 14th of this month.
I have been at home watching SD5 while she is not in school since I got layed off from my job months ago. Then I injured my back and was unable to find other employment due to the chronic pain. What I never did understand, is when I am disabled to the point that I can't hold down a job, somehow I was expected to also care for a five year old, for a various amount of time depending on what is going on with her school.
So I have surgery, granted I am physically better off than I was before the surgery, I am still expected to rest as much as possible per doctors orders, to prevent reinjuring myself. Now I had surgery on monday feb. 14th. So had the 14, 15, 16, and 17th off work per the vacation time I insisted that he take. He had to return to work on the 18th, guess who didn't have school on the 18th.....SD5! Followed by and holiday this monday. Guess who's school just got cancelled for tomorrow.....SD5!
Needless to say, I am exhausted just by breathing these days. I am SOOOOOO tired most of the time. To top everything off I am getting sick. Also my doctor is taking me off my pain medicine that I have become semi-dependent on the last several months. I AM SO TIRED! I DON'T FEEL WELL, AND I AM BASICALLY HAVING WITHDRAWLS! I am ashamed to admitt that I have become dependent on the pain pills, I keep using words like "semi" and "basically". I am working with my doctor to take myself off, so I am not an "addict". I feel the situation is under control, I am just feeling the effects of being on this medication for as long as I have. (don't want to derail my own blog here, it is not about my issues with my medication I really am handling that it is just going to take awhile)
So I find out that her school cancelled. I wont lie, I went nutty for about 30 minutes. I acted like a soda bottle that had just been vigorously shaked then abruptly opened. Went off about the school, and how I hate it. (SO is very defensive about the school seeing as he has to defend it to BM all the time). I tried to explain to him, that in my rational mind, I know it isn't the school's fault, that it is just where I am directing my anger.
So needless to say SO gets mad at me. He tells me that a negative display of emotion like that really effects him negativly :jawdrop: :O :O . So apparently I am not allowed to display anything negative around him at all. I asked him "are you a safe place to express my emotions or not?" he paused for a moments and said "I don't know how to answer that." I said, "I think you just did."
I am speechless. I have beed disabled for the better part of six months, and yet I have still bent over backwards to make this situation with SO and SD work. I love SO, I love SD. SD is with us 75% of the time. Without a doubt it is what is best for her, and I totally support him and her in keeping this situation going. I havn't been able to work, so I have made sure that SD doesn't need daycare. I love them both with all of my heart I consider them to be my family. BUT I AM TIRED! I think I have every right to be tired. Have I complained about my situation? HELL YES! I thought my SO was supposed to be my soft place to fall. Help me pick myself back up when I have literally fallen flat on my face.
I have tears pouring down my face as I write this, I feel totally devalidated. I am ALMOST doubting if should feel overwhelmed by everything. To be honest that PISSES me off, I don't think I should have to feel this way when at the end of the day, all I do is try to help him. As we were arguing I pointed out, that I got mad and went off about the school and the situation, but never targeting him directly nor casting blame on him, nor asking him for help. I just bubbled over and lost it.... he on the other hand, started tearing me down and insinuating that the way I am dealing with my emotions is some sort of character flaw . I felt completly attacked, and I don't feel that is at all what I did to him.
I want so badly to be back on my feet. I feel so helpless, mostly stemming from being unable to work. I feel like if I can't watch SD that I am not pulling my weight, but in the same breath I am resentful for feeling that way considering my physical state. If I could work I would PERIOD. I am just getting bitter for feeling guilt over not wanting to watch a child all day while I am supposed to be resting and recovering. The fact that I am doing WAY too much WAY too soon is starting to get to me. I am not blaming SO, with me not working we really can't afford daycare. I condsider us a team, so if we can't afford daycare because I am not working, I view it as my responsibility to lift that burden.
Why can't I feel like the "team" thing should apply to me as well? Why do I feel guilty if I can't lift that burden. Worse yet I can't even express that I am struggling to do so without becoming a burden myself. Stuck between a rock and a hard place :O . Am I wrong here? I don't even know anymore.
Thanks for reading.
Kay
UPDATE:
Okay I believe that I am being misunderstood, I never once said that I YELLED at SO, I was just being very "negative" and crying, and he said he got frustrated because he doesn't know what to do for me. I never asked him to do anything for me, I just needed to get that crap off of my chest. I think I should be able to do that without him taking it personally. Never did I direct any of this at him, I never turned it into a personal attack. I never asked him to change any of this. I needed him to lend me an ear and a shoulder and apparently he can't handle that.
I think it is a bit harsh to assume that I went off yelling and screaming at SO, when I never once said that is what I did. My emotions bubbled over for a bit, but I couldn't get a handle on them at that point. I apologized to SO as soon as I did. I know that isn't easy to listen to, but as I said none of it was directed at him, I was upset with the situation.
I started to cry, and he acts like he can't handle seeing that because he can't "fix" it. It managed to turn into a personal attack against me because he got frustrated with my display of emotion. I wasn't yelling and screaming I was crying and VERY upset, and yes I did need a little compassion from him, and all I got was a cold shoulder. Because he doesn't get upset like that and cry, he considers that it is WRONG for me to do.
Sorry, I am just a bit shocked at the a few of the responses I recieved, I am bending over backwards for this situation to work for us, I am doing WAY more than I should be doing to help out, and I am struggling with the toll that it is taking on my body. So yes I do expect him to be more understanding that he was last night. He even admitted this morning that he was acting very cold towards me, because he couldn't "fix" it, even though I NEVER ONCE asked him to change anything, nor did I ask for help/
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I am sorry maybe I needed to
I am sorry maybe I needed to clarifty, I never yelled a my SO, and I apologized to SO BEFORE he said anything. :?
I do agree with you
I do agree with you stepaside, I didn't have a "screaming fit". I come from a nuclear family, my mother is verbally abusive, so I totally see where you are coming from with this. I like my mother find myself in situations where I "lose control" but I don't attack and scream and yell. I get upset and cry because I don't know what to do. I did apologize to my SO period. My mother used to always apologize but she did make it meaningless by making excuses. She always said "I'm sorry, BUT..."
I totally see where you are coming from here, I just really don't feel that is what I did. I really believe that someone can become overwhelmed have a "meltdown" sort of speak, and not be attacking someone in the process. There was no excuse for my break down, I didn't handle the situation the way that I should have. I lost control, I apologized for my behavior WITHOUT making excuses for myself. I got attacked for it. I was told that the way that I "deal with my emotions is a character flaw". That was a bitter pill to swallow. I was being a "negative nancy". In my opinion there is a big difference between losing control and lashing out and someone, and losing control and crying and upset with the situation.
I really do appreciate this perspective on the situation, I come from a background with YEARS of verbal abuse, I was my mothers emotional punching bag, it would break my heart if I felt that is what I had done to my SO. I just truly don't feel that is what I did, I feel that I lost it about the situation, but never turned against my SO.
He literally stormed off because he got tired of listening to me cry. I can't blame him for retreating, that isn't easy to listen to, and I really can't expect him to. I do however draw the line when he got upset and launched a personal attack against me. LITERALLY telling me that he doesn't what to hear about "negative emotions". I think that is ridiculous. Can I not ask my SO to lend me an ear to vent to, and a shoulder to cry on? Without him telling me I am wrong for being upset, and the way I handle myself under extreme stress is a character flaw?
Where is BM in all of this? I
Where is BM in all of this? I have young skids and I can't imagine being in charge of them daily with that kind of pain. They are so active, but maybe girls aren't as bad. I agree with the crafts, movies, video games, board games, etc. Quiet activities! Is this the type of kid that likes to help? My skids love to feel important and helpful, so maybe she could get things and you wouldn't have to get up so much.
BM has SD, two months over
BM has SD, two months over summer and two weeks over christmas. I have also blogged in the past about my SD, being unable to self entertain. I was fine with the situation before I injured myself. I have been in pain to the point that all I can do is lay on my couch and sob, it is THAT painful. Having a 5 year old child that needs so much attention with you all day while going through that is soooooo difficult. It isn't her fault which makes me feel so guilty. She is cooped up and bored and then she has me that can't do much of anything.
I have been dealing with this for months, but since my surgery I feel that I have hit a wall. I feel that I want to recover soooo badly but the amount of physical strain that I am putting on my body is just too much.
No money for a babysitter
No money for a babysitter when I am not working.
I think your DH needs to get
I think your DH needs to get ahold of BM and come up with an alternative until you are well. This is ridiculous for you and I'm sure it's frustrating for SD as well. I know if my 6 year old skids were cooped up all day every day and I couldn't move they would go crazy! The house would be destroyed and they would just be running circles around me! Is BM reasonable? maybe she could take SD now for a couple months until you recover.
BM doesn't want to send SD to
BM doesn't want to send SD to school. So this time of year she isn't an option. Our situation with BM deserves it's own blog..lol. School was HELL for my SD when she started, she came to us a few weeks before school started after being with BM for over a year. (minus a bit of visitation for my SO) Poor kid was NOT at all ready to start school. It is best for SD to stay with us till the summer.
I have always been one to believe that actions speak louder than words. Even though I get upset and overwhelmed by the fact that my situation demands so much from me physically. I still take care of buisness. EVERYDAY, no matter how I feel. I am just so upset that my SO made me feel like he isn't a soft place to fall in terms of getting overwhelmed and melting down. As I said, I feel like I am bending over backwards to do what is right by everyone in this situation BUT ME. I still want to do it. It is just HARD! Do I complain? Oh yeah. I just don't want to feel like, me getting upset and needing to vent TO him about being overwhelmed, should overshadow the fact that I still do everything that he needs me to do.
Your situation is
Your situation is overwhelming and I feel for you. Your blog made me worry and wonder if it might help to discuss possible depression with your physician. I know if I were in your position, I'd be terribly depressed. Just reading about your pain brought tears to my eyes.
Also, I would suggest trying every avenue you can for help with childcare. In addition to family and friends contact the area United Way, churches with pre-schools, Women's centers, YMCA. Anything you can think of. There has to be some organization that could help someone in your dire straits. You can't tell people what you are going through and have everyone in the community turn their back. I believe there is someone who can help you, if you can only find them.
Thank you guys so much for
Thank you guys so much for the support.
I am having a really rough time right now. Reading your comments confirm that I shouldn't be feeling bad about needing help, and feeling overwhelmed. Stepmasochist, I have a doctors appointment next week, I plan on speaking with him about my depression. I guess I was thinking that I didn't need to treat it because it was due to my situation. I kept thinking if I can just hang in there, it will get better. It just seems to be getting worse and worse before it gets better.
I definatly need to stop feeling guilty and start asking for the help that I need, and activly seek out people willing to help. Before surgery I was having a friend occasionally help me out, and my mother (as I stated my relationship with my mother is complicated at best.) She can be a bit toxic, so I try to keep my distance. I have broken down and asked her for help, but it was so bad I almost wished that I hadn't
. I am only 22, and so are most of my "friends", since my injury and the fact that I have my SD to take care of. I am starting to see who my real friends are. Most of them have all but forgotten about me, because I basically havn't left the house in almost 6 months.
I need to start seeking help with SD, and with my depression.
Thank you guys again so much for the support, it really means alot
Kay
How about playdates? Maybe
How about playdates? Maybe you could call up parents of some kids in her class.
I actually hadn't thought of
I actually hadn't thought of that, her school has a directory of e-mail addresses for most of the kids in her class. I should look into that.
Thanks stpmom2b.
Kay