StepX2, I have tried talking to him. It takes a lot of courage b/c he jumps immediately to defensive mode and gets mad mad mad at me. He is so protective of them and of himself, that even a hit of me saying he's doing something wrong or going agains his girls just really sets him off to instant anger. I go to him as easy and non-assertive as possible and it still becomes a fight where the end result is that I need to do some changing. And if there is change in him, it's short-lived. He swares that he doesn't want them to turn out like their mom or like his sister (selfish and lazy), but his coddling has them headed right down that very same road...step for step. I do care about the girls, but they could care less about me. I've even heard them say so in conversations they didn't know I could hear (I was on the couch and they were at the dinner table - they thought far enough away I guess), and by the way they treat me when he isn't around.

Not watching them is not an option though, so it's not a threat I could make. It is part of what I agreed to when we got married. And his family is far away. DH and I and the 4 kids share a home, so they have nowhere else to go when he deploys. I just wish that I did!!!

Arteur, yeah, having full custody makes this a little different, but I would agree with #s 2, 7, 8, 9, and 10 from your list. And I'm pretty sure he's aware of it too. He is a good and attentive dad about most stuff, it's that he's too attentive and doesn't distinguish between needs and wants... I mean does SD15 really NEED him to hand her a napkin when she's closer than he is? Does SD13 really NEED craft supplies late on a school night? Do either of them NEED him to wake them up when they have three alarms each? These are just small examples...but you get my point. The reason I say I can't fully disengage is that it does impact me and my kids on a daily basis - every day. And when he deploys, it REALLY impacts us. So I have to find a solution.

My DH isn't a roving man and wasn't looking for a built in sitter or anything like that, but it was part of the package...err...the baggage...that came with him. I have baggage too. And I made a commitment to this man, and by proxy, his kids. There is no "exit" from a marraige IMHO. I'm here to work through this, just like any other difficulty we may face in life as we go through it together. No marriage is without obstacles. So sincerely, I'm seeking a solution.

DTZYBLND, thank you. I had no idea how difficult this would be with him deploying. I wish that I could trade places with him much of the time. And I also struggle with the balance between being overbearing and a doormat, and find it difficult, especially with my DH, to find that balance. Even this morning another issue arose. I had praised one SD16 for being up and ready on time and being responsible and looking cute in her shirt - which I do in front of him to be sure he knows I'm fair and kind to his girls. And then the other one, SD12, came in the kitchen late and was handing her dad papers that she should have given him two days ago, and I fussed at her for not getting to the bus stop on time. No big deal at all - she wasn't abiding by house rules we've been discussing and I didn't yell, just a "reminder" tone. Well, as soon as she walked out to the bus stop, I asked him if he was going to use a lunch bag today. One was sitting on the counter and I was offering to put it away for him if he wasn't going to use it. He snapped back at me in a rude tone that yes, he was going to use it and that I had asked him the same thing last night. Sorta shocked at the reply, but I guess expecting it b/c how dare I expect his girls to do what they should do...I just looked at him in amazement. I let him know that I was just asking so I could be kind and if I'd remembered asking him last night then I wouldn't have asked again. And, not wanting to fight over something silly (when it was obvious the real issue was that I corrected SD12 even though he wouldn't admit to that) I went and sat on the sofa with my back to him while he finished getting ready...the whole time, trying not to cry and let him know he'd gotten to me.

I guess my problem is that I don't know how to demand respect. How do I draw the line? How do I know where to put that line? And how to be brave enough to defend that line - and not fear his anger for me having a line?

I am very resepectful of him Z. And yes, he is over protective of the SD's b/c of their mom and we did talk about how things should work before we got married. I guess reality is harder than theory for him though. It works just like we discussed when it comes to my kids though, and all is sorta okay there. SD's are the only thing we fight about - the only thing.

What I'm afraid of is his reaction to me bringing an issue to him. He gets very cruel and hurtful and insulting if he feels I'm even insinuating that he's doing something wrong or that it shoud/could be done better. When I do take things to him, I try to frame it as an issue of mine that I need his help with. Or sometimes I ask him questions about the end result of his actions that makes him think...and then he feels that anything that HE decides to do as a result is HIS idea. But I'm not always successful so it takes a lot of courage to mention things to him. I've talked to him about this too, but he doesn't seem to care. It's his way of being in control I guess. But if I could take small things to him it would be better - but now, I avoid the small things b/c of the stress and it's usually something major before I ever speak up.

The situation with the SD's also seems to get worse closer to the beginning of a deployment. He feels guilty for leaving them so he completely bends to all of their whims and wants, and they know this and fully take advantage of it. They become the worst little manipulators and I get edged out almost completely.

Thank you again Z. I totally agree with you, but do you have any advice on HOW to help him see these things? Putting my foot down doesn't work with him. Making demands doesn't work either. And I don't believe that making threats is healthy, so that's not an option. Appealing to him and helping him see positive outcomes works well, and asking him questions works well. Pointing out how he's hurting me sometimes works too. Maybe I'll try this?

Just so ya know, I really honestly took in all that everyone had to say to me yesterday, and know that if you take the time to reply, then I should take the time to read and heed the advice...and I did. I'm not one to get offended with the truth. It may hurt, but if it's the truth it's helpful in the end.

Last night, I had a myriad of things to talk to DH about...issues with the kids, boundries, deployments, etc...etc...etc...but I took time to figure out what the root issue was, and after reading the replies and doing some soul-searching; it's the fear. And trying to figure out why it's there.

Well, it took me until after 8pm last night to get up the nerve, but we had been running errands and doing some stuff around the house, and he'd asked me several times (as he had over the past few days) what was wrong and I just didn't reply. So about 8:30, we had been working on planting a garden and it was a cool clear night, and I sat down on a chair in a little sitting area in the garden and we were smelling some herbs (yeah, it was a pretty nice night!) and I just blerted it out... "I'm afraid of you" He didn't react. He just stood there and looked at me - blank. So I went on to say, "I'm your wife and I should be afraid of you. It feels like you try to intimidate me with your responses when I say things you don't want to hear or don't agree with. It's not healthy. I used to be able to talk to you without fear, or at least just ignore your anger, but it's gotten to a point where I don't feel I can talk to you about any issues at all any more. Do you want me to fear you?" He replied "No" in an even tone and that was the only response I got out of him. He said he wanted to go in and get changed so we could go to the gym. We went to the gym and he just chatted about the normal stuff - work, plans, blah, blah, blah...I though he was just digesting what I'd said and he would say something later. So after the gym, while we were making the kids' lunches, and while we watched "Justified" on tv...nothing, just chatter. I thought he'd say something while we were getting ready for bed...nothing. Maybe before we go to sleep...nothing. During this time, he held my hand, he put his arm around me, he put his head on my shoulder, and he held me while we fell asleep - all was very normal. I just don't really honestly know what to do. Sometimes, when we chat, he doesn't respond until later - until his words are together with his thoughts - and that's okay with me b/c I don't want an off the cuff response...but later has to come! And other times, he just takes action on what I've mentioned to him and proves that he heard my request...so maybe that's what will happen this time?? Time will tell I guess. Because we do have a lot of daily things that we need to deal with...together! Like the skids and attitudes and his coddling and permissiveness - and we have to do it sooner rather than later so we have time to work on things before he deploys. I'll give it till tonight after all the kids are in bed, and then I'll bring it up again.

But truly, from the bottom of my heart - thank you all for your responses and encouragement and support yesterday.