How would you feel if your fiance just finds out he has another kid besides the one you two have together????
To be honest.......it feels like being sucker punched, and you are mad because you got suckered punched.
After being together four years, which have had it's share of good and bad. We are finally in a better place, after a year of some really trying times. Now, we find out last week that there may be an 8 year old kid who may be my fiance's.
The "other mother" never said anything to him for 8 years. My fiance contacts her and ask if the child is his after his cousin sees this child (his cousin has a child with the alleged mother's family)- I know ----Maury Povich------ so she says yes, and she would like my fiance to be apart of the kids life, especially now that the child sees he does not look like his other two siblings.
My fiance asks her why she never said anything to him, and her response is, "What was I suppose to tell you?"..................
Um, I think, "Hey, by the way....I'm Pregnant.......", would have been appropriate! Considering they did noy break up on bad terms. Personally, whether they broke up on bad tems or good terms- one doesn't have to do with the other. He had a right to know.
So now we want a paternity test to make sure the child is ours. Nothing wrong with that........
However, I have so many scenarios running through my mind......
How do you tell an 8 year old, who you had not idea about, hey I'm your father......and here is your brother and your step mom!
How do I, as a mother, prepare my son for this? He is only two now, but when he is old enough to start asking questions- how do you explain?
Do I want to be a step mother?
How do I deal with this other mother?
How do I deal with feeling like I've been downgraded from being the one and only mother of his children to .....as trite as it sound-----baby momma #2?
How do I support him, while I am angry at him?
Why am I so angry at him?
To be honest, I feel angry at the whole situation. And then I ask myself am I being selfish or wrong for the way I feel......
I'm not looking for validation, but rather an understanding from all perspectives before I make a major decision on do I want to deal with this or not. What do you think?
After reading some of the blogs....I am debating, "Should I run for the hills.....?" lol
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I know there is a book about
I know there is a book about blended families that was written by a BM AND the SM in the situation.
So not all BM are horror shows! You will find out if yours is or not depending on whether she tries to stick your F with back support for 8 years!
I am dealing with that right
I am dealing with that right now as well. My SO was married and had four children with this woman. She is not the poster woman for great mom but I have it better than most sm's on here. We have the children full time and it gets very hard. I have no children of my own. We found out a couple months ago that my SO may have fathered a child while he was married to his wife. He was upfront about the cheating but we both were unaware a child was created from it. We are waiting for the paternity test. I am angry and to be honest havent really stopped. I am angry because I feel like I was tricked even though he didnt know either I do not want to raise this child. I know it sounds stupid because I am already raising four so whats one more but these boys are my life. They call me mom and I do everything their mom should be doing. So your not selfish its just being blindsided thats hard to swallow. Your not alone its hard to accept it and I am also debating on staying. My SO says its my choice and he wont keep the boys from me but its just heartbreaking. I felt like I wasted my time. You may feel differently just depends on your relationship and how you feel about being apart of this kids life.
THat is exactly how I feel. I
THat is exactly how I feel. I feel tricked even though he didnt know either. I feel that way because I was a single, no children, and I would only date men who were single. That was what I thought when I met my son's father.....
I came from a blended family so I didnt want the BM drama and my kid growing up with different siblings who may or may not be there. Now this comes up......I am furious bc now my life and plans are out the window in the sense of a family. Now I feeel like I have to go file child support IN CASE she decides to....I will not add my fiance to any life insurance policies or even buy a home with him because if he dies, now what I paid into goes to some one else and takes out of my kids mouth. That makes me angry....call me greedy...I will be for what i worked hard for.
You are completely entitled
You are completely entitled to that. Its yours and whatever you worked to earn is yours. Its not greedy at all its just what your entitled to because you earned it and it doesnt belong to her. Other people cant understand where the anger comes from and its because you know that you didnt come to the relationship with this. Its him thats bringing it. In my case the little girl is three. I have anger towards her mother because she was quiet for so long...Why now? If you knew why are you coming back now. That is where most of my anger comes from. If a man fathers a child yes be responsible but when he is withheld from the picture how can you just come back when you feel like it. Its isn't fair that I was given these circumstances and I worked within them. I am raising four kids and I dont want her. We had talked about having one of our own way way down the line and wanting it to be a girl. This is also where the anger came from. This woman is now taking my future because this would add another and thats five. I dont want to be a third mother of kid or the sixth ones mom. That is not what I signed up for. My SO is trying to understanding telling me he doesnt want to be apart of her life because he didnt know she existed and he doesnt feel love for her. She wasnt created out of love so why should we take her. He says he will give up his rights to her but I dont know if I am comfortable with that because I dont want him holding resentment later on. TurlyTuli me and you have to just wait it out
(waiting is not something I am good at)
... before I make a major
... before I make a major decision on do I want to deal with this or not. What do you think? ...
What decision do you have to make? He's your childs father. First thing I'd go do is file for child support right now. The system awards 'full' cs to the FIRST TO FILE, not the oldest child. You better beat BM1 to the punch just to protect you and your son and your finace.
Absolutely !!!! Get there
Absolutely !!!! Get there before the paternity test comes back.
You are not downgraded
You are not downgraded because there is no competition. You have his heart which is more precious than being the bearer of his kids.
Were you sexually active before you met him? Then you could have had a child as well. How would you like your fiance to say "Hmmmpf, I am ONLY #2 now." Wouldn't that be silly? After all, you love him right? So why would that make him #2?
Unless you marry a certified virgin this could happen to anyone. I am in my 40s and been married for nearly 7 yrs to DH. We decided no more kids. Between us we have 6 (my 4 and his 2). So after we have no kids how would I feel if someone knocked at my door and said "Hey does *DH* live here? He is my dad." Suddenly I am sharing him with someone else (albeit a lot older than 8!). Someone who was the result of a ONS or short term realtionship. So far no one has knocled on the door but who knows?
I think you are really more upset at the change in dynamic. Suddenly your son is not his firstborn. Suddenly you may be sharing your life with another child. That is probably the confusing thing. Where does everyone fit in now?
I think that as this woman has kept quiet for a number of years then she has some sense of decorum or how to behave.
However, I would not go around saying this child is 'yours' (plural) because he isn't. He is your fiance's and his ex girlfriends. This lets you somewhat off the hook. You are not forced into a relationship with him anytime soon. And you can leave this potential new family member dealing with, first of all, his father. And maybe in the future you and your son.
First, get the DNA test done. I would also get the cousin tested as a possible father if he was running with the same family. Who knows? The cousin may not have been as loyal as you think he is.
Then if it is 99.9% possible your fiance is the father, find out what the BM wants and what she can give. Let her call the shots. Imagine yourslef in her shoes. If it was all about money she would have found him by now.
This all happened for a reason. She may become a new friend and her son could become a great older buddy for your son.
YOu know what....thank you
YOu know what....thank you for that because I feel like my brain is flying away like a helium ballon, and I needed some grounding.
Thanks.....
I think there is no way to
I think there is no way to know how this will go. He could end up not being your fiance's. Who knows? It could be that she wants nothing from you or your fiance-but felt put on the spot when someone asked about it. Maybe she just wants the child to meet your fiance and have a very limited rule in the child's life. Maybe it will turn into a bigger role and maybe you will fall in love with this child. What you see on here are the worst case scenarios-not all step situations turn out bad.
I understand your shock and your feelings-everything is now changed. Your fiance has another child (maybe), your child has a sibling, you are potentially a sm-that's alot to take in all at once. But as someone else said this could happen to any of us-our men have pasts-it doesnt make him a bad guy and I am sure he is equally shocked. Just both of you try and support each other.
I also don't think you should
I also don't think you should classify yourself as "baby mama #2" because your child is the first one that he has raised.
My DH had a son (SS15) and ended up with EOWE, had a daughter (SD12) and got no visitation at all and had doubts of her paternaty because they weren't married & BM said she might not be DH's, then we got married and had BS7.
SD's BM decided to go for c/s when SD was 3 to 'see if DH would step up' and yet we didn't meet SD until she was 4, after her BM decided that SD should 'get to know her Dad', when in all honesty, she wanted a break from SD and wanted to pawn her off because BM had spoiled her ROTTON!!
In all honesty, BS7 is the one that he has raised and lived with the longest. DH has a closer and stronger bond with him because he never had to 'go to BMs'.
Don't think of yourself and your child as 2nd, put yourself where you belong... First in his life!!!!
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your support.
I agree, bc it is soooo in the air, and neither of us know what we may be walking into it is scary.
You are right, I shouldn't classify myself as BM #2. I just feel like poop bc I didnt want a blended family at all. I understand nothing is perfect, but hell I am trying to make a good solid family for my kid, which neither did I or my fiance have. We both came from blended families. is parents got married, and the older son was not from the same dad. However, they went into the marriage eyes open. My fiance's older brother's dad was a dead beat. So was my dad. He wasnt there for his other kids, but my dad stayed around for me. They ended up elsewheres, and we didnt meet eachother until later in life. And again they were gone bc 1) the big age gap 2) we didnt know eachother and I wanted brothers and sisters 3)I wish I knew where they were now. As for my fiance, hsi older brother enlisted in the military as soon as he was of age, and he aint really been home since. Put it like this, he doesnt come and see his own mom even when he comes to the same town and visits his in laws.
Hence another reason I preferred not dating men w children when I was single myself.
Maybe everyone's right, she may not even be all that bad. I think I'm more of the looney one right now. But, if it was about CS, I'm pretty sure she would've been sought it out.
What I'm worried about is I'm like okay shes not bad, she says shes not seeking CS, then WHAM!!!!! I already told my fiance my son will not go without to take care of her and your son you didnt knwo about for 8 years. I dont care how you work it out, but our child will not suffer.
It's just I think this whole thing has the potential to calm down, and then it may not. Apparently, the husband of the BM wants to sign the kid in ?'s birth certificate NOW. I understand the guy has been there since she was pregnant.....the kid is not his....he is white and she is black....and the kid is not mixed....but this man took on this kid like his own. I respect that to the utmost, but what gets me is now he wants to sign for the kid. Which means my fiance would give up his rights. My fiance is not that kind of person to give his rights away on his child. It all sounds fishy to me bc why sign now, and not at any point thru the 8 years he's been w you.
And what floors me besides the fact she hid this so long, is she didnt tell her husband anything that the possible father made contact.. she invited my fiance to the kid's baseball game, seperately they all watch the game, then right before they were all suppose to meet. she then tells her husband, "o, by the way this is my son's father!"
NOW she is asking my fiance to come practice baseball w the kid..........mouth dropped..........
he is hesitant bc he doesnt want to rush head first into introducing himself to this kid until he knows for sure it is his.
Then she starts to say to my fiance......boo-hoo.....my husband is so jealous thats probably why I have no friends....its my fault bc Ive put up wiht his jealosuy all these years.......REALLY.....no one cares about your marital problems.....go talk to your own husband about them and not mine's.
It's like she wants people to feel bad for her now.....
To me alot of things are not adding up on so many levels and on both sides. I'm not putting the entire reason of my aggrivation on her bc it took two to tango. I'm more furious over the fact she is altering several people's lives, it seems she wants a pity party over what she has done, and now she is interjecting this kid into my fiance's life b4 we can even get the test done.
OMG i swear our girls are
OMG i swear our girls are like the same freaking person. She is so calm about it like this is supposed to be this way doesnt understand why were upset. She emailed my SO wondering if he was mad at her. um..............yea sorta why did you tell me?? I mean you dont hide someones kid and then come after them later and then want to be friends why are these women such weirdos?? I wasnt raised in the best possible scenario but I mean I know this is not the way I would want to raise my child or the way he meets his kid. O by the way this is your dad??? What?? Im frustrated with my situation and your situation lol Drinks anyone??
yes please.....(imitating
yes please.....(imitating James Bond)
I like my mojito, shaken......bc Im disturbed.....lol
Like I really wanted to smack her with a bat....maybe I will use her son's bat......she would probably get it then....
urgh.....like why does it have to rain on ur parade when things are turning around..... I swear there are little minions set off by hell's bells.....whom take to action when there is a whift of happiness pulsating thru my veins......dramatic....I know. lol
You can never be wrong about
You can never be wrong about the way you feel. You were just hit with a doozy and you need to internalize for a bit and decide what the best course of action is for you and your child.
I'm sure once the initial shock wears off you'll realize that this all happened before you. your anger at your fiance will disappear. Its not like he duped you. The guy had no idea.
This also should not be laid at her door either. She didn't initiate contact. Your Fiance did. Chances are she may never have come forward with the information. However, now that the cat is out of the bag, your fiance needs to take the proper steps and make sure the boy is his before even meeting the boy so as not to make it worse for the kid if it turns out your fiance is not his father so he shouldn't be making any plans to play anything at this point.
If it does turn out to be his child, you and your fiance really need to sit down and discuss boundaries for the x-gf. You're right. She shouldn't be discussing her marriage with your fiance. If it isn't about the kid... it isn't.