Getting inside the thought processes of stepkids
I know that for myself as a SD growing up, I would think that what I wanted and needed were two loving parents, my mom and my dad. I did not want or need any stepparent.
I think this is a big part of why we get treated so rudely by stepkids of any and all ages. Therefore, I think it's up to the parents to say, "you don't have to love, like, want or need my spouse, but you do have to treat them with the same respect you show a teacher or a coach. If you don't, these are the consequences you'll face." And then they need to follow through with those consequences when their kids are rude to their spouse.
I know that some of you have bios, too, and that they also have stepparents. How have you handled this with your own bios?
For those that don't have bios, how do you think your DH should handle it when their child tells them that they (the child) don't want or need you (the stepparent)?
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You know I don't know
You know I don't know whatever happened to respecting your elders in general. Yes, I too had a step father and we butted heads from time to time, but so did my mother and I, it was a teenage thing. But you can bet that I was punished for acting rudely because I knew better. I was taught from the time I was knee high to a grasshopper that you respect your elders. Somewhere along the line, people seemed to have stopped teaching this.
I also think alot of it is that people just don't respect others in general and children mimick what they see. I watched a woman light into the cashier at the grocery store a while back because she thought the cashier "was rolling her eyes" at her 2 year old sitting in the cart. WTF? I'm terrified to see what my BS1 generation is going to behave like!
I think the blended family
I think the blended family thing is unrealistic. I agree with you 100% Daizy...they don't need to like, love, etc. the stepparent but they need to show the same respect they would to another adult authority figure. The problem is that it is hard for men to demand their children respect their SOs, since they're so afraid of losing their children, esp. their daughters', affection. Also, many of these men don't demand respect from their own children and never have so how can they suddenly expect their kids to give the person in their life respect?
I have biokids and it was never a problem when I was with my exBF but I think a big reason my kids didn't have a problem with my exBF was because things are good with my ex husband and me. There is no room to try to play either of us against each other and no guilt parenting on either side. My kids know their dad and I are the parents and they are the kids so there aren't many problemss and they treat us with respect and always treated my exBF with respect. They love him because he was good to them and vice versa. There wasn't any "talk" to have; there was just chemistry between them and things were good.
On the other side, the BM was very needy with SD and exBF and BM were often in competition with each other or at least my exBF was fearful of actually parenting because BM was so lax. SD wouldn't want to see him! Also, SD was raised as a little adult, which causes problems.
So, I guess what I am saying is that if the bioparents are doing ok and well adjusted, and if the kids are doing ok and are well adjusted, there really isn't a problem. Unfortunately for most of us there are crazy BMs and bratty skids who were never raised as a kid and never learned how to be respectful...
I agree 110%. I tried to pull
I agree 110%.
I tried to pull some crap when I was growing up. Thankfully, my dad gets along well with my mom and stepdad and they put an end to that each and every time. Therefore, the instances where I did that were few and far between.
My mom and dad were on the same page about me treating my stepparents with civility and respect. I'd gripe to them about an issue I was having with my stepmother or stepdad, and they'd tell me, "you don't have to love, like or care about (stepmother) or (stepdad) but you do have to treat them with respect or these are the consequences." On the occasion I was rude to my stepparents, they enforced the consequences.
Sometimes, families never blend. I've accepted that.
I actually, once upon a time,
I actually, once upon a time, genuinely loved my SM. My own mom was a sack of crap; I *so* wanted my SM to love me. However, she felt I was competition for my dad's affection/time. Also, she wanted very badly to have a child with him herself, but was unable; they quit trying after 6 (I think) miscarriages.
As time progressed, she just started getting mean and manipulative. She turned psycho and would tell my dad lies about me. My dad would ask me a question and I, not knowing my SM had just lied to him about it, would answer. Then I'd get the belt for: 1)Lying; 2)Calling my SM a liar (because if I said something counter to what she said, I was obviously calling her a liar); 3)whatever imagined infraction my SM told him I'd commited. Most of the time I didn't even know what I was being spanked for as my SM watched with this smug look of sadistic satisfaction on her face.
To be clear, I did not have this COD syndrome in which I felt I was entitled to *anything*. My BM made it quite clear that my needs came after her desires and my BD made it clear that he could not afford to buy for me that which would be destroyed at my BM's house.
When my SM died, I wasn't upset about it. Upset for my dad, b/c he loved her, but as for me, not only could I not have cared less, I was secretly releived.
As for my own DD, both my parents taught me how *not* to behave in a step situation. FDH and I have put in a lot of effort to foster a positive relationship between him and DD and it's worked. DD adores FDH, and according to him, she's only my kid when she's being ditzy. He does all the fun things fuddy-duddy mommy won't do like play water gun fights. We never have any issues with her attitude specifically toward FDH; however, she has started to occasionally sass the both of us. Since neither of us appreciate the attitude, we squash the issue as soon as it rears it's ugly head. We typically have this issue about once every 2 to 3 months.