Should I take SS3 on our regular days while FDH is out of town for a month?
FDH is starting a new job in a few weeks. It requires out of town training for 4 weeks, but he'll be able to come home on the weekends.
He asked me if I'd be "okay" taking SS3 during the week on our regular days....I told him I'll think about it and I can tell he was kind of hurt by my reaction, that I wasn't automatically fine. I feel really evil saying that but at the same time, SS is not my kid...if FDH isn't around why do I have to care for him? (part of me feels like this would just be doing a favor for BM because she wouldn't have to become a full-time parent during the week). We'll be taking him on the weekends during that month when FDH comes home.
I have a 14 week old and it's really hard to entertain a 3 year old when we're all by ourselves...
On the other hand, we know that if he's in BM's possession for a whole month straight it's gonna take a whole month to undo the behavior issues he picks up while he's with her.
I think I'll agree to one night a week, and tack that onto the weekend (like Thursday night) so that I can be alone with my baby Sunday night-Thurs morning.
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I wouldn't agree to any of
I wouldn't agree to any of the week nights, you have a young baby to care for, even if they were both your children it would be hard to take care of them both on your own. The visitation is for your husband, if he is not there why should the skids visit?
I'm with Briarmommy. Not your
I'm with Briarmommy. Not your kid, not your responsibility. Why do you need to babysit for the BM? Screw that...
He suggested it to me to feel
He suggested it to me to feel me out before talking to BM. I have a hunch that BM would be totally fine with it, as she's deifnitely going to have a hard time being a full-time mom during the week. She uses every free night she has to go out, so this will cut that down dramatically.
She's not the type that cares if I'm taking care of the kids or if FDH is home or not...she says it's not her night to have them, not her problem.
I can't IMAGINE being fine
I can't IMAGINE being fine with it either...to each their own I guess. Blech.
That is not true. DH's ex
That is not true. DH's ex would bring the kids to me, KNOWING that DH was gone that weekend. She said she wasn't giving up her weekends and it was MY responsibility. Of course, back then I didn't mind, because I still liked the little assholes.
I know everyone's situation
I know everyone's situation is different, but I can honestly say that my DH wouldn't even ask me such a question. Vistitation is set up for skids to see their father... why would they vist if he was not going to be there? In my book then it becomes babysitting rather than visitation and that is a no go. I can honestly tell you that I have never actually told my DH this, he just has the common sense (thank God for small favors) not to ever ask such a question.
It's really not fair to you for your FDH to put you on the spot like that and I'd tell him so. Your concern should be with your baby. Seriously.. let's go through the "what if's"... what if SS gets sick, what if SS gets hurt, what if SS is out of control, what if SS gets abducted by aliens? It's just downright not fair to you. If the rolls were reversed and you had custody of SS and his BM wasn't going to be around for her visition would your DH send him anyway??? I can bet that would be a big NO... so I would address this pronto. IMHO
I like that you flipped that
I like that you flipped that around for me...I'm totally going to put that scenario on FDH (if BM wasn't going to be around he certainly WOULD NOT send his son to her house for her fiance to take care of).
My coworker agrees with you and said the same -- that she couldn't believe he put me in this situation.
I wouldn't do it. Years ago
I wouldn't do it. Years ago when my DD was born and I quit working to stay at home, BM thought it would be great for SD5 to stay with me every afternoon since SD was in a half day kindergarten. BM did not work but had skids in daycare and wanted the half day discount. I decided not to be BM's free babysitter. DH was disappointed but I told him, "SD has an at home mom who chooses to use CS for daycare instead of raising her own kids." That was the beginning of standing up for myself and my bios in the turmoil of a blended family. I have never regretted it.
Wait a minute, BM is a stay
Wait a minute, BM is a stay at home mom (which obviously is not the appropriate title) but she pays for daycare? Weird! I could see like one day a week to have a day to get things done but...wow!
Don't do it, unless you
Don't do it, unless you really want to and of course BM for some insane reason is completly aware that it will be just you, SS and your infant...and still wants you to take her child. I personally wouldn't send my son off for visition with his father that his father wasn't going to be there for.
DH has asked me to do this in the past and I have done it. Everyone is different but I didn't enjoy it and the kids spent the entire time asking when their daddy would be home. Not to even mention that if BM is nuts, the police could knock on your door and acuse you of kidnapping them as has happened to me when she found out after the fact that he wouldn't be home with us...or any number of other crazy things. Just as DaizyDuke mentioned, it's a big risk that something could go wrong that you won't legally be allowed to handle.
Oh she would be fully aware.
Oh she would be fully aware. And she'd be fine with it because she has wanted me to watch the skids in the past by myself. She's not the type of parent to care WHO is watching her kids, as long as it's not HER.
DOn't do it! Hold your guns
DOn't do it! Hold your guns now or you will regret it. Visitation is for the father, not you.
I wouldn't. What is the point
I wouldn't. What is the point of you having the SS while he is away? He's going to see him on weekends he comes home. Stick to that. Otherwise, you are just a babysitter for BM.
Here's FDH's reasoning: 1. SS
Here's FDH's reasoning:
1. SS won't be under BM's command for such long periods. It's always a huge adjustment for him because we have rules that he has to follow at our house, where she has none.
2. FDH feels that SS won't understand that dad is out of town. He feels like SS will think dad is just not taking him during the week, so he thought that if SS comes over to our house and sees that daddy is NOT there either, that he won't feel "abandoned" by dad. Of course I think SS is old enough to understand what "out of town" means -- he's almost 4!
No and No. It is not YOUR
No and No. It is not YOUR fault that your FDH procreated with someone who FDH feels parents poorly, so therefore shouldn't be with for long periods of time??? No, not an excuse, not your problem. And an almost 4 year old certainly will understand that his father is out of town, good Lord BM, give him a calendar and show him the days and mark them off. An ignorant 2 year old could get that concept. Your FDH is grasping (I can't figure out why??) but he's grasping.
Just say no!
I agree with the others -
I agree with the others - you're not a free babysitter. Plus, you have a newborn - focus on your child and let BM focus on hers while your DH is away. Imagine your LO having a difficult and fussy night/day and FINALLY goes to sleep, you won't be able to take a breather because you'll have to focus on SS. As a new mom, you need to take is easy when you get those little chances.
My DH travels for work. He is
My DH travels for work. He is gone 3-4 days a week, most of the year. I still take SS on our regularly scheduled days. For a few reasons...
1. BM is not a capable parent. Should couldn't financially or physically (mentally) care for SS on anything close to a full time basis.
2. He has a better life at our house. He lives in poverty at BM's. Seriously in the slums, in a tiny filthy house.
3. We are a family, the kids have been raised as siblings. When the girls are home, they want SS there.
I think the main thing is, I don't mind. I enjoy having him around. BM was not ok with this at first. And tried to tell us that SS "requested" that he go to his mom's when DH isn't home but when we ALL (BM included) sat down and talked about it SS told us that he never said that and BM is lying. (she does this a lot). Of course she tried to say that he just didn't want to hurt our feelings and he was "scared" (she LOVES to use that one) to tell DH the truth. SS kept saying "mom, I never said that, I want to be here with my sisters and SM". It is what he wants... so it is how we handle it.
But isn't weekends enough?
But isn't weekends enough? Fri-Sun each week doesn't seem abandoning...
If you are concerned about
If you are concerned about being able to manage the situation - or just don't want to do it for whatever reason - then I think you should stick to your gut. You being stressed and watching the kid won't be doing anyone any favors.
What if your child was older and dad was going away during the week for his job, would he feel like his dad is abandoning him (with his mother)? Explain to him that daddy has to be at work on a different schedule so he will be seeing him on a different day. Also, if he's able to, your DH can call SS while he's away to say hi and ask how his day went. You don't need to stress yourself out when you have a baby to take care of.
Thanks! You are
Thanks! You are right...listen to my gut/my first reaction...
I really depends on your
I really depends on your family dynamic. Some SM's are adamant that they married their DH's...not the kids. Not my kid not my problem. (Type A) Some SM's marry to aquire a H and kids as a package deal. (Type
Which kind of SM are you? Neither is better or worse then the other as long as you didnt advertise yourself to be one way and then flip the script post marraige.
My DH knew and knows that I married into his family. His family is now my family and that includes his kids. They were even included in the wedding, they had separate vows for themselves, and we did a sand/blending ceremony. It is known upfront and all around to everyone involved that I am an equal entity parent. This is never an issue. I would get our girls even if there bio dad (DH) wasnt around. They have seperate BM's so even if their dad wasnt here they still deserve there time with each other as siblings and I am there other mom and they still deserve there time with me. I go to events when he isnt available and I participate in any and all things involving them as there mom and we are NCP so yes I go and BM is there and I play nice because its important to me to be in their lives.
If however when we married this was not my role I would certainly feel differently and would not be used just as a babysitter at the whims of the bio parents.
we did the sand ceremony too.
we did the sand ceremony too. The kids loved having a part in it. I can't tell you how many times they have asked if we can have another wedding, they loved every minute of it.
And I agree... every family is different. We are a lot like you. They are siblings, and ours don't share any blood relation at all, but they deserve time with each other even if DH isn't there to see SS. That is just the dynamic we have created.
I would say to take him for
I would say to take him for the weekend still and take an extra day like you thought, but instead of Thursday, keep him into Monday. So your H can P up SS on way home and BM can pick SS up on Monday after H leaves. This way she has to keep her kid for that additional party night of Thursday.
Considering the effects of leaving the child in his mothers care- it could prove worse for you guys to readjust him if hes in BMs care for too long. Also, a Monday will also be easier for you since the SS would be used to the rules after the 2 of you with him all weekend.
Really only do it if you want to though. I would because my daughter,1, would miss her big brother if she couldnt see him (she always gets super excited when she sees him)
See if my son was older it'd
See if my son was older it'd be no issue. They're at hard ages right now. My baby is 15 weeks and although he can play by himself for awhile now, you know I'd be in the middle of playing with SS and then the baby would cry or need attention. SS3 really could care less about that baby at this point...I know it will change when baby gets a little older and can interact more, SS has just never really been around babies so it's like super foreign to him still.
Then of course we have bedtime, and I start the bedtime routine with baby around 8 which involves his last bottle in his room while I rock him and hten he falls asleep. But it takes about a half hour....what will SS be doing during that time? Probably watching tv.
I just truly feel at this age with the baby that SS will be SOOO bored at our house with just me and baby. I'm sure he'd rather stay at his BM's with his sister, who he can play with.