Help!!!
I have been married just over a month. My husband and I have argued for three days about an issue that I thought was resolved before we got married. Last summer, his exwife took their two children to his neighborhood pool. She has to get the key from my husband to take the kids to the pool. I feel that it is extremely inappropriate for her to even ask to take the kids to his pool. He supposedly spoke with her about this last summer. So, this year she bought a membership to another neighborhood pool in the subdivision across the street. That pool was closed for maintenance on Monday, so of course she came over to get the key and use our pool located in our subdivision. My husband says that it is for the kids and he will not punish them just because I do not agree with him. I feel that the children do not need to get everything they want when they want it and that it would not traumatize them not to get to go to the pool. Furthermore, there are several other pools in the area that she could take them to. The kids are 10 and 7. I need an unbiased opinion in this matter. And some help...it is clear we are never going to see eye to eye on this. I just feel that he will always choose the kids over me and my feelings. He says that it does not effect me and to get over it. He says I am choosing to be unhappy. Opinions please!!!
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Does it affect you and is it
Does it affect you and is it worth the fight that you are going through? Since he just bought a membership to the other pool use it and don't go where she will be.
I'm not sure he is choosing the kds over you if you aren't going to be affected by this.
You need to choose your battles and I'm not sure this one is worth it.
She just bought a membership
She just bought a membership to another pool. But I want to use my pool, I do not feel that I have to ask my husband's exwife to bring the key back.
I'm also having trouble
I'm also having trouble seeing what is bothering you about them using the pool. Are they there at a time you would normally use it? Or does it bother you that your DH and BM have to meet to trade keys? Is it that neighbors will see her and think they are still together?
Basically, I feel that we pay
Basically, I feel that we pay homeowners fees for the pool because it is our neighborhood/community pool. To me, it is an extension of our property. I just feel that she has no business enjoying an amenity that she no longer has the right to use since she no longer lives in there.
Hmmm. I think this would bug
Hmmm. I think this would bug me to. I hate to admit that, but it would. I think it would bug me for a few reasons. One…they are divorced, if she wants to take the kids swimming then let her take them somewhere else. Two, if it happens all the time, then BM gets to insert herself into MY life by getting a favor from MY husband.
If we all got along and BM was not a loon, it would probably not bother me much, but in my situation, I would be ticked.
Abeck, you added a lot of
Abeck, you added a lot of other information after your original post. My opinion was based on that, so I'm deleting what I wrote. I hope you and your husband get things figured out.
NO! But that is his point,
NO! But that is his point, he says the pool is not at our house. I just feel like it is essentially a part of our property and she has no rights or business being there. Furthermore, last year he said he would not allow the step father to go to our pool. So, if it is supposedly "for the kids", what is wrong with their step father taking them to our pool?
I am just so frustrated and I
I am just so frustrated and I feel that he will never understand where I am coming from. Right now, they have joint custody and each have the children a week at a time. He is afraid if he tells her no it will cause animosity between them which will be bad for the kids and she will try to go back to court to get them all the time. At the divorce, which was before we got together of course, he actually agreed that she could spend the night at his house on Xmas Eve so they could both watch them open presents on Xmas morning. This is freaking ludacris to me!!! I do not understand his thinking at all.
I think I just threw up in my
I think I just threw up in my mouth.
^^^^^ THIS^^^^ is very
^^^^^ THIS^^^^ is very telling. Why does he have an issue with the step dad if it's for the KIDS? Bring it up to him JUST LIKE THAT. I'd be annoyed too. She has no business invading your space.
I have told him that. He
I have told him that. He says he does not like the step father around them at all. And says the mother does not deserve to be around the kids because she cheated on him which ended their marriage. He always refers to them as "HIS kids". Like they have no mother?!?
It seems he has some major
It seems he has some major double standards to me. And some boundary issues.
I totally see your point now.
I totally see your point now. This would bug me too - it's more about respecting your space and place in his life than about a pool
This comment isn't even
This comment isn't even relevant to the conversation. The pool isn't THEIR pool. It belongs to the neighborhood. In the neighborhoods that my friends live in with a private pool, they allow you to invite guests or let guests use the pool in your stead, as long as they have a key and adhere to the rules.
To the OP: Her neighborhood pool was closed for maintenance, so what's the big deal? It sounds like you're trying to control everyone else's actions and justify your reaction because you have an agenda. Maybe you'd feel less stress if you stopped worrying about what everyone else is doing or getting and just concentrate on the good things that you have in life.
JMHO.
Evidently BM is not capable
Evidently BM is not capable of telling the kds they can’t swim when the pool Is closed. Now that they are members somewhere else I hope they use it and leave yours alone.
Its hard to believe that newly weds would fight 3 days over something like this.
That is why I feel that the
That is why I feel that the kids get what they want all the time when they want it... I know it is sad and it really sucks. I am just having a difficult letting it go. And I don't know why.
There is a deeper issues
There is a deeper issues here. I see why this could bother you, but I think it's coming from something else. I have the same issues in my relationship with my BF. Does he just make choices/decisions often with no regard to your feelings? Do you feel like an outsider? Etc ....
I do feel like an outsider
I do feel like an outsider sometimes. Like why didn't they just stay married so he could be with the kids all the time if that is what he is so concerned with. Even though, he was not with them all of the time then either because he travels for work. I feel like I am not part of the family. And the exwife has more say or control than I do in my own home. ???
He usually tries to fix issues I have with the kids. But then when we argue he throws it up in my face that he has done this and this because I asked him to. It was simple requests, such as, can you teach the kids to knock on a closed door so they will not walk in on me changing or taking a shower?...needless to say, I still lock the door because they have not learned this concept yet. Just minor stuff like that ... and he acts like he has done me some huge favor.
"He is afraid if he tells her
"He is afraid if he tells her no it will cause animosity between them which will be bad for the kids and she will try to go back to court to get them all the time."
Get used to it because us SMs live with this everyday. He will bend over and do what ever it takes to make her happy just so he can see his kds and stay out of court.
LOL-what about when they bend
LOL-what about when they bend over even when they don't really want to see their own kids either??
Well this is my first blog.
Well this is my first blog. Thanks to everybody for listening and for you opinions. I just want to feel like my feelings matter and I am not an outsider to their whole divorced family, if that makes sense. But just getting it out to an unbiased party without any backlash and arguing has made me feel better.
Thanks again!!!
Oh, I soooo get you abeck.
Oh, I soooo get you abeck.
BM fought to keep the house and now when anything breaks, SO gets a call regarding what she, SD21 or SS29 should do. It's called a repairman. Thank you, Einstein.
Same thing with that pool thingy. Just go to another pool. Done.
The situation has drastically improved in the last 4 years until BM learned to take more responsibilty for herself. However, the little things stopped, but the anti just keeps getting upped when something HUGE breaks. Once again, that would be the repairman.
I don't like this crap either.
We all have a good
We all have a good relationship. The ex is very friendly to me and we talk everytime we are together for one of the kid's functions. I am not really sure why it bothers me so much. I guess maybe an invasion of space that was mentioned earlier. I don't even know, I just know that it does bother me. And I guess I am hurt that he does not take my feelings into consideration at all on this issue.
I think you are stressing
I think you are stressing yourself out over something that don't amount to a hill of beans. The BM and BD don't have a problem with the kids swimming at the pool so I'm not sure why you do. Save yourself the worry and let the kids swim. What does it hurt? It seems petty to grip about kids swimming and evidently BD don't have a problem with it. Is it jealously or maybe insecurity since you have not been married long? Time will help.
She has a problem with it,
She has a problem with it, because it's HER neighborhood pool, that SHE pays fees for. Regardless of how you try to remove her from the situation and make it about DH, BM and the kids, it's really not.
I don't think she should really let it bother her, but I totally understand how these little things add up to big blow ups.
I think the way you're
I think the way you're feeling is totally valid, but it's one of those things where you 'pick your battles'. Is it worth fighting for days over? Especially if he did talk to her and she does have a membership in another area now? If this were my DH and I, I'd just stay on his ass to get the key back. You should not have to communicate with BM at all.. let alone to ask her to bring something back that's yours. He's the one that gave her permission to take it, and he's the one who should handle getting it back. Same day too. There should be no reason for her to keep it longer.
Here is my take. Of course
Here is my take. Of course this bugs you. It would bug me. But, not something that I want to lay down on my sword about. You have many of those situations coming. If she has one across the street she will use that most of the time.
If she has access to your house in anyway. Stop that immediately. Otherwise, this one I would let go for the good of the kids.
I was 6 months married before I realized that BM could open and close our garage door with her car. I had no idea. She had apparently been letting the kids in this way...Stopped that really quick.
You have a lot more arguments coming given the ages of these kids. Pick and choose your battles...
Your husband and SM did
Your husband and SM did listen (and act) on your feelings/issues. She got a membership at another pool. They are only using your pool as a back up.
right on katrinkie! i would
right on katrinkie! i would cause a fuss and raise a stink EVERY TIME i felt he was putting someone elses feelings/wishes above my own in a non-emergency situation. YOU teach HIM how you will be treated.
In my book, it all comes down
In my book, it all comes down to "entitlement" BM's pool is broken, BM feels that she and skids are "entitled" to use your pool. Now, skids are entitled to use your pool, but BM? NO! So if her car breaks down, will she be expecting your DH to hand over the keys to one of your vehicles? If her home gets forclosed on will she be expecting your DH to hand over the keys to your home? This is a classic example of BM expecting/getting special treatment simply because she birthed children with your DH.
This would NOT fly with me and I would be angry as well.