Discipline- rules made by BM but when SS is at our house??
Ok, I already know this is going to push buttons and have several different opinions but here it goes anyway. The BM of my SS wanted to "talk" to me and my DH about 2 years ago about disciplining the SS when he is with us. (in other words she wanted to control the situation here as well as there and didn't want me to have any say on how he was punished.) we never went and talked to her because I felt that as an adult I didn't need a lecture from someone that just wants to tell me what to do in my house when DH and I have different rules than she does (because we are more responsible and have more common sense than to let a kid run the house). Now the SS6 gets left with me when DH has to go to work (that being the only time I will keep him cause it's not like I am going to make the kid spend the night away being that DH works 3rd shift and sometimes does part te day jobs) and this has happened for 2 years. As a SM and a BM I think if a child does something wrong they should be punished right then not hours later when is DF gets here just because that's what BM wants. So about 6 months into our 2 years (a year and a half ago) DH and I had a discussion about me not having any control of SS when he wasn't here. DH had no clue that I was trying to respect BMs wishes and told me that if "he does something wrong bust his butt" (which is exactly what BM doesn't want me doing). I have yet to take the "bust his butt" route but I do him just like my own son and do time out, take things away, or if worse comes to worse send him to bed regardless of what time it is. Here is my question to all you SP out there...would you keep trying to respect BMs wishes after 2 years if your methods are not working or would you do as DH says to do to his son knowing you would do it to your own if you absolutely had too?(keep in mind the SS is "spanked" by BM, BF, BMs parents, BFs parents and siblings, and even BMs friends)
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Nope. My house my rules. BM
Nope. My house my rules. BM can not tell me how to handle situations in my house. I will discipline when needed. I will NOT spank him, but DH sure as heck will if needed. I will send him to his room, ground him from tv or video games.
BINGO!
BINGO!
Ok this is good...what if he
Ok this is good...what if he does something that you deem "spanking worthy" and his father will not be there for a few hours. Does he still get spanked hours after the incident or does it just get left alone? My DH would still spank him but I am thinking by then the kid has either 1 already forgot why he was in trouble or 2 it brings it all up again and he doesn't learn anything from it.
I remember the good ol' days
I remember the good ol' days when, as a child, you'd hear: "wait till your father gets home!"
This was extremely effective.
I got to think all day of what was in store for me.
Mom informed dad what was going on.
Dad got out the hairbrush and explained to me very calmly why he was disciplining me.
Discipline was implemented
Lesson was learned.
So simple, yet today the nanny state gov't has equated boundaries and discipline for children with abuse. They'd rather put kids on health endangering, mind bending drugs than give them a few short lived whacks on the posterior.
Notice it was not done in anger, either.
That is really hard for me to
That is really hard for me to answer because my SS is extremely well behaved and listens to me like no kid you have ever seen.I have never in the 7 years with him had anything "spank worthy". I guess if I did though... I would use the "wait till your dad gets home" method, and leave it up to DH if he wanted to or not at that point. Part of me says its too late, but part of me says put the fear of DAD in them and let DH follow through on it. I prefer to punish immediatly if at all possible. Grounding, sent to their room... whatever is appropriate. It would have to be a hefty offense to deam a spanking in my eyes. JMHO. He's a super good kid though.
Honeslty, I think that is why
Honeslty, I think that is why SS is so good with us... he fears me. But it has turned to respect with age. He knows that I love to have fun and spend time with him, that I love him and would do anything for him, but he also knows that if he gets out of line, I will find a way to put him RIGHT BACK IN LINE real quick like. I can just LOOK at him and he will shape up. Thus... never really have to punish him. Haven't sent him to his room in about 4 1/2 years. NEVER grounded him... he knows to behave for me... he has seen how I get with my BD7. She pushes the envelope and I do NOT let her get away with it. He doesn't want that wrath!!! SS is not nearly as well behaved when he is with BM. I have witnessed it. I have actually called him down at her house. He doesnt listent to her. You better believe he listens to me!!
I would send him to his room
I would send him to his room and let him wait for dad to get home. The anticipation is just as much a punishment as the spanking.
My mom would actually get upset with us and do this trick. We didn't always get a spanking when dad got home, but if it was serious they would wait until they could both be there, then talk to us and tell us what we did wrong and then give us a spanking.
In some ways this is good because the spanking was never done out of pure emotion, and we had all day to think about what we did that was wrong and also about the punishment we knew we were going to get.
Needless to say, we didn't actually get spanked that much. We got threatened a lot, and spanked just enough to leave us always guessing whether or not what we did was bad enough for them to follow through.
Kids are not a dog. They have longer memories than 30 seconds. If he did something wrong, and you send him to his room to wait until his dad gets home, he's not going to forget what he did wrong. This would only backfire if dad got home and let him off the hook every time.
My Dh will spank skids when
My Dh will spank skids when he gets home if needed. They know when I warn them it will happen..It's gonna happen! I NEVER spank them EVER! They have spent the day in the room with no tv or games. But I never want to put myself in the situation that the bm can claim I am abusing them. And SHE WOULD! Save yourself the trouble.
this is EXACTLY my thought on
this is EXACTLY my thought on it. DH seems to think that SS doesnt listen to me because I dont "spank" him like everyone else does. I have made the kid CRY just from taking away a coloring book and telling him he couldnt play with anything (toys, stuff animals, games, etc.) or watch tv until his dad got home because he was rude or mean to me or my son or friends that are over. only problem with sending him to his room is that he thinks he can do things without me knowing like play with a toy on his bed or whatever so he tries to hide them when i walk in to check on him and he gets in trouble for that too. BM doesnt follow through with ANYTHING she says to him and he will tell you that. He always says "my mom lets me play right after i get in trouble." i find myself saying "well we dont do that here and rules are different from here and your moms house." I have made him sit in one spot and not touch anything until his dad got home (3-5 hours later) only allowing him to get up to go to the bathroom. what just really gets me is that BM doenst want me "spanking" him but she lets her friends and boy friends do it and I know for a fact that one of her friends has left MARKS on him from hitting him so hard. (cause that is great parenting at its finest...here hit my kid while I am right here and then when I ask what he did and you tell me I will look at him and say "well you shouldnt have done that now should you" and not even question the HUGE red mark on his back!)
Not to start a complete
Not to start a complete debate, but I don't think spanking is ever the answer. I have taken many child abuse classes, and studies have shown that spanking only creates anger and resentment to the person doing it. I have a 5yr old SS, he was raised in complete ciaos and ran the house. I told my partner that things were going to change if the three of us were going to spend more time together. IF it were up to BM she would have me have nothing to do with his life. However, children thirve on stucture and consistency. There are times when I think my SS could do with a good swat, but given all that his mom tells him, and how much everything has changed ( for the better in our eyes, huge changes of power in his eyes ) I would peronally not give him another reason to resent me. I don't agree with spanking, but do agree with consequences. My opinion, don't give him a reason to resent you by spanking him, work on creating mutual respect with him through resonable expectations and known, fair, conseqences. It has made our lives a lot easier. And the funny thing is when we all have to be in a group together, my SS turns to me when he wants to do something or knows something he is doing is inappropriate... Its very rewarding since BM sees it, and he doesnt have enough respect to listen to her.
I agree with others... I
I agree with others... I would never spank the skid. But if a serious consequence was warranted (beyond what I could apply immediately on my own i.e., grounding, time out, etc), dad better take care of it when he gets home.
I would give hime time, take
I would give hime time, take things away or send him to his room. I would not touch him. If dad wants to spank him when he gets home so be it.
LMAO! this is great! I feel
LMAO!
this is great! I feel the same way but good god I would never hit the kid! his BM i might would but not him. LOL she lets him get away with everything (so much so that if he is bad she calls DH to have him punish him even if it is at her house!!! I put a stop to that almost immediately after we got married 2 years ago.)thanks for the comment!
evil truth.....i never
evil truth.....i never resented my parents for spanking me but I also got to the point that I would laugh really hard when my mom would spank me cause the harder I laughed the harder she laughed and the less she could spank me. after out smarting her on that i go put in time out and had to figure out how to out smart that. I was quite the rebellious kid myself. but since I invented all the tricks I know what to look for. lol
bm can stick her rules up her
bm can stick her rules up her ass when it comes to ags at MY house UNLESS, they happen to be in line with my rules!!! }:-)
Crime and punishment here are
Crime and punishment here are the same for everyone. Period. I don't give a fat rats rosy behind whether the BMs like it or not. However, they discipline the same way I do. Depending in the offense it's time out, grounding, loss of privelage, or a good old fashioned ass blistering whipping.
There were so many times that
There were so many times that I wished my SD could go back in time to the home that I grew up in. I would love to watch her reaction if she pulled the same crap she does to me to my mother. My father would pull of his belt so fast and tan her hide so badly she couldn't sit for a week.
But it's too bad in this day and age you can't do that. I'm certain would be thrilled if she was spanked, since she would immediately be able to call CPS and tell them she's being abused.
The problem I've had with the "wait for your father to get home" routine is that it gives my SD a few hours to think about some excuse or sob story. My husband has a very long commute, gets home late, and doesn't want to deal with his daughter's reaction to being punished. He's more than willing to let things slide and blame me for ruining his daddy time.
At our home, we have put together a House Rules Contract which lists all of the rules, expectations and consequences. With my SD away this summer, we haven't gotten to try this out with her, but it has been working with my two SS and my son.
Perhaps you could try to put together this type of document, have your SS sign it and also show it to his BM so she understands what the rules will be at your home. That way it's not you punishing him, you're following what is outlined in the House Rules as a consequence, which is something everyone has agreed to follow.