Well about a year ago I told my SO that I would no longer be running his girls SD11 and SD13 (at that time) around, picking them up from cheer practices, getting them ready for cheer, taking to friends houses and attending events of theirs on weekends I had my kids. My girls BD9 and BD12 (at that time)were upset with me because I would devote an entire day to his kids and they had to come with me to pick up at practice and devote their day as well to their events. I was trying hard to create the family that I grew up in. In my family we support each other and attend each others events - like it or not! My girls were really resentful because my SO would not attend their events when he had his kids and did not make his own daughters attend each others events and never once did his girls attend any of my girls events. They always had something better to do or just refused to go. I listened to my girls and said that I would no longer be attending my SD's events when I had my girls. This decision made my girls really, really, happy. It made me happy to because it reduced some of the stree load from me. Unfortunately, I failed to let my step daughters know why I was doing this and it caused some problems. Looking back now I realize that by not telling my step daughters what I was doing and why that they started to resent me and were confused as to why I suddenly went from total support to no support. I assumed that they would ask us at some point why I stopped but they never did so I assumed that they did not care because they seem to care about so little in our house.

Things have become so out of control in our house. I have been wanting to leave but I have not been able to for a number of reasons. I had reached a desperation point. In my search for answers I came upon this site. What a blessing!!! Not only can I vent but I learned a valuable lesson! I found the article on disengaging and realized that I had started this process on my own without know that it had a name or a technique to it. I realize now that I was right in disengaging but that I went about it the wrong way. I also did not realize that I had to accept the realities. Everything that was written in this article was exactly how I felt! I was so happy not to be alone and glad to find the steps on how to make things better. I gave the link to my SO and asked him to read it. Of course it has taken him over 2 weeks to read it but I think he now fully understands what he needs to do to help make our "family" work.

Yesterday, I sat down with my SD14 and explained to her about disengagement and that I started it last year but had gone about it the wrong way. This is the SD who peed on my toothbrush and has violated me and my things in many other ways. Turns out she did notice that I had stopped doing things for her and that she did care!

I let my SD14 know that I will be accepting the realities of disengaging and that I will not be parenting her nor making decisions for her. I let her know that I will be enforcing household rules that her Dad and I set long ago and that I would not tolerate her treating me like crap or speaking to me in a less then polite way. She seemed to accept that and I let her know that I do love her and care about her but I will no longer be abused by her.

Fingers crossed that all will go well! Next week I will be addressing my SD12 - we have never had much of a relationship so I am not sure how that will go. Wish me luck!