Been living alone for a touch more than 2 weeks now. I've enjoyed a lovely trip to my former town to visit with my younger daughter, grandson, her friends, their babies and grand moms (who were my friends when our girls were growing up). I've gone to a CoDA meeting and will go to another later this week. I have undertaken an intense personal assessment and improvement quest using the "Love is a Choice" book and workbook that I've been blogging on. I found a wonderful church last Sunday that agrees with my spiritual outlook and attended service. I signed up for a women's Bible study class beginning in October.

I removed all of Bozo and BH's personal possessions from inside of my home and scrubbed my toilet, the floor and wall around it with bleach. Such a relief to no longer worry about my butt being a towel for BH's sloppiness when I sit on the toilet, or having to smell his urine stench even when the seat is dry. I went grocery shopping and had no need to buy a mega pack of toilet paper, nor scan nutritional labels and calorie counts on every single food item I bought. It is truly the little things that have once more made my life a joy. LOL!

There is still quite a bit of contact between me and Bozo. We spent the day together yesterday on a work assignment. He has also done quite a bit to help me to keep my vehicles and equipment in good mechanical repair. Seems as though he misses me, but probably not for the deep heartfelt reasons that I'd prefer. I miss him in many ways. However, the all consuming-ness of him and BH, and my enjoyment of once again having my own life outside of them, prevents my missing Bozo so much that I would instantly open my arms and door for him and BH again. All I have to go on is Bozo's most recent indication that he is only willing to be with me if I give him and BH a free pass on their cavalier disrespect for their own selves and me. That's not happening.

Bozo doesn't show any outward sign of having moved to identify, much less confront, his demons or failings of the past. I have identified mine and am actively working on them. I still have a long way to go, but have grasped the simple fact that just because all of my previous significant others, starting with my parents, have been unloving and unavailable to me, doesn't mean I have to keep graciously accepting such debilitating, soul draining treatment as normal or "OK" for the rest of my life! My hands are on my hips as I declare, "NO MORE!"

My other issue has been spirituality. I've seldom been an active church goer, but have usually kept in fairly close personal touch with my God/Higher Power. I became disconnected from my spiritual self very quickly in my and Bozo's fledgling relationship. He'd mention his personal struggles/conflicts and I'd offer support using examples of my own personal experiences based in faith and trust in my God/Higher Power. This inevitably resulted in a nasty reaction from Bozo that amounted to his spitefully telling me that I'm "just lucky." It didn't take long before I was conditioned to never mention esoteric items like faith, hope or trust; much less a God or Higher Power! What resulted was a relationship where I put myself in the position of playing God/Higher Power for Bozo in the (apparent) absence of his faith; and my feeling frustrated and neglected while Bozo runs around playing God/Higher Power to the beck and call of all his biological family members. That cycle has ended now, at least for me. He still throws out 'poor me' hooks to tempt me into playing his personal saviour, and I do not bite any longer. GO FISH, Bozo!

Actually, Bozo tried to hook me into playing activity director for him and BH this past weekend. Late last week, he mentioned wanting a ride to take BH camping nearby. I said "oh" and quickly changed the subject. He seemed rather irritated and got out of the car quickly when we reached his parents home. The next day he phoned saying that if I didn't have anything better to do, he and BH would enjoy going for a hike. I gave it a bit of thought, but told him I'd already made other weekend plans and wanted to attend church on Sunday.

To his credit, Bozo found another way to get BH (who's gained 10+# in the past month) out for a vigorous hike. He did ask me yesterday if I'd gone to church, and I told him yes, that the church I stumbled into was a wonderful one that in most ways, reflected my own beliefs and inclination toward an accessible, practical form of Christianity (i.e. one doesn't need to wend through a complicated hierarchy of human authority, dogma and ritual to reach, know and have a personal relationship with their God/Higher Power). He seemed to listen with interest, but offered no input as to his own spiritual inclinations or beliefs. All I know about him religious belief-wise is that he grew up a Jehovah's Witness. No idea if he ever looked into spiritual ideas, beliefs or thinking beyond that and he apparently is not inclined to share any info. (shrug)

A very curious and possibly hopeful thing is that the past two times I've had personal contact with Bozo, a hawk appears. Bozo says there is one living by his parent's home as well (where he and BH are living). I have never seen any hawks near my home, but last week when Bozo was here working on my truck, one screeched twice and swooped down so close that I could see his face clearly. Another appeared yesterday when we stopped for a break on a silent forest road taking the long way home from our contract job.

In both Celtic and Native American belief, Hawk symbolizes the messenger, who discerns truth and imparts the message to the humans he visits. He helps people to open higher spiritual centers so that they can hear and see messages that the Universe (God/Higher Power) is sending. Many of the messages he brings are about people freeing themselves of thoughts and beliefs that limit their ability to gain greater perspective and good in life. There are no accidents. I sincerely hope that Bozo will choose to listen to his Hawk messenger. I believe Hawk's presence is a sign that Bozo is questioning and seeking within himself. It is not my place to interfere, intercede or push him in any way, but Hawk gives me hope and a sign to keep faith that my healing prayers for Bozo's neglected and tormented spirit might be answered. Hawk tells me that I'm on the right spiritual path for myself too!

Where Bozo and I both failed in our relationship was moving along too far and fast in reaction to demands of the world and people outside of us. We took accountability and responsibility for each other in ways that were inappropriate, while simultaneously neglecting/ignoring the essential responsibilities and accountability to each other that build a successful relationship. I don't know if Bozo realizes this yet (or ever will), but I have seen the light and am standing firm. There are probably many challenges ahead of me yet, not the least being Bozo looking for every opportunity to hop right back in my life where we left off before. BH has his EOW with BM coming up, and I can feel the pressure building to allocate my coming weekend to Bozo. Not sure what will happen, other than I have taken control of my life back. I want to enjoy loving, intimate relationships. I'm no longer willing to sacrifice control over myself and my life merely to exist in an empty relationship.