Drama continues with ss15 & BM but DH is handling it so much better now. It's definitely a change and I hope it can continue this way. He doesn't respond to her texts, emails and phone calls anymore. He says there is no reason to have communication unless it's necessary to make ss15 travel arrangements or it's some type of emergency. He doesn't become angry when she tries to harrass him - this used to lead to conflict between me and DH. He ignores her and she does actually go away. For a little while. I keep assuring DH that in time she will stop harassing him so much, he just has to keep ignoring her efforts to drag him back into her drama. I think DH accepted that BM would always be around to terrorize him and he's finally realizing that it's up to him to put a stop to it.

I am sure less drama between BM & DH = less drama for ss15. For now he continues to live mostly with his grandparents. Now at least he goes to school and has some structure in his life such as regular meals. He seems a little more relaxed during phone conversations with DH. I keep trying to convince DH that he can help his son as well as himself by detaching himself from bipolar BM and all her bipolar drama. I believe he can set a good example for ss15 by doing this but I don't think DH sees this to be true. Time will tell.

I brought up the concept of "gaslighting" to DH and told him I believe he does this to me. I told him I believe he and his son both do it and provided an example. He was a little surprised and responded that he doesn't put that much thought behind our arguments. He didn't know what gaslighting means.
I told him that whether it's intentional or not, it's happening in my opinion. I dropped the subject after that. But I have drawn very clear boundaries. When I speak up about something, I verbalize very clearly to him that it's perfectly reasonable and rational what I'm saying and he hasn't pushed any issues lately.

DH and I have talked about how different things need to be the next time ss15 is here. Number one issue being that I shouldn't be treated like a stranger in my own home. DH says I have to do my part and I agree. He says that, for example, when sa15 takes over the couch and TV I shouldn't just go to the bedroom by myself and let him continue to take over. I need to change my own behavior when ss15 is staying with us, to set clear boundaries, and DH knows I need him to back me up in this.

Life is much calmer and DH and I are getting along much better again. It will always be a work in progress, I guess that is the nature of relationships - our relationship anyway. Maybe we can get better. The big challenge for me right now is to maintain all this, setting my boundaries, and to especially maintain boundaries when ss15 comes to visit again.