Lazy Ass SD21
So my wife found this amusing. Around 5pm I run to the store to pick up a few things. My SD21 calls my wife and here's the following convo:
SD21: Do you know what Derrick is making for dinner?
DW: No, why?
SD21: Because I'm hungry as hell, I'm starving.
DW: Then why not make yourself something to eat?
SD21: There's nothing in the house to eat.
Are you fucking kidding me??? A grown ass 21 year old woman (with a 2 year old son) who's too damn lazy to making herself a freaking sandwich. Just sitting around waiting for me to feed her. I told DW this is a perfect example of how having SD21 living with us is not really helping her, it's just enabling her to be lazy and dependant on us for the rest of her life. Told DW that SD21 needs to be in her own place by Feb 1st, no more fucking excuses. My friend suggested I do what women do and cut off the sex if she's not moved out by that date. Might just have to be my last resort....LOL.
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The perfect man! Not only do
The perfect man! Not only do you cook for her grown child and grandchildren, but no demands for sex? She's a lucky woman!
I am sorry but your SD is a
I am sorry but your SD is a lazy ass. I am 22 and have been on my own since I graduated when I was 16. I only moved back to my parents for 4 months after the air force and even then I was paying $400 in rent plus food. I am so sorry. Why the hell doesnt she want her own space? does she have it really good at your place that she doesnt have to do anything? try to move her in the atic, basement or garage, make her uncomfortable as hell? force her out that way?
I agree, when I was her age
I agree, when I was her age (younger actually) I couldn't WAIT to get my own place. Lots of teenagers today are so spoiled and taken care of that they don't want to leave home. Why leave home when you can pretty much go and come as you please, not have to cook or clean, and basically have built-in babysitters for your son? It is definitely way too comfortable for her at our house.
Well, my friend made the
Well, my friend made the observation that I can voice my objections and concerns all I want, but if there are no real consequences for my DW if she doesn't keep her word, nothing will really change. DW gave me her WORD that SD21 would be moved out by the end of November, and of course that isn't happening now.
So what's the deal with this?
So what's the deal with this? Have you asked DW what's going on, or is it just sort of an unspoken fact that her daughter's not moving? Is there a contingency plan?
For those that don't the
For those that don't the backstory, SD21 was living with her fiance and their two kids. The fiance is in jail for shaking and killing their infant son. My wife felt like emotionally it would be best for SD21 to move in with us till she gets on her feet and is emotionally ready to move forward. That was 17 months ago.
It has pretty taken me kicking in screaming just for her to get a job. Everytime I screamed about her getting a job or going to school my wife would always think she wasn't emotionally ready. I countered with the fact that she seemed okay enough to go partying with her friends every weekend while she leaves us at home to take care of her toddler. She started working on and off about 6 months ago, finally she is working at one place for more than a month. She is a stripper. Our deal with her back in Sept was that we would basically take care of her son until the end of November, at which she was supposed to be moving into her own place. Wife gave me her WORD it would happen. All during this time I kept asking my wife is she had sat down with SD21 and made out a budget to make sure she was saving money (My wife promised she would do this) and DW just kept blowing it off. So needless to say its November and my SD21 is not moving out.
My wife is a classic enabler, and it is the worst with SD21 since she is the youngest of the SD's. She is very spoiled compared to the rest of her sisters, and she knows she has her mom wrapped around her finger. My wife already has a hard time letting her kids grow up, and this one is even worse because of what happened to SD21's infant son. We have helped SD21 more than we have helped the other 3 SD's combined, and I'm sick of our lives revolving around SD21.
Yep she is blowing her money
Yep she is blowing her money on stupid shit, along with all the traffic tickets and fines she has to pay. She one time came home with over $500 after a Friday night. Then she said sometimes she doesn't even make $50. I'd be willing to bet though that she's clearing at least $700 a week tax-free. There is NO reason why she shouldn't be able to save for a place.
LOL...well I'll put it like
LOL...well I'll put it like this. If my wife is fine with not having sex with me, then it's time to find a new wife!
Sounds to me like she's
Sounds to me like she's really not ready (and maybe even not fit) to be a parent, and your wife is enabling her. It's time for this girl to own up to her responsibilities, but I think your wife is worried that she'll just hook up with another loser if forced out. Your wife might even be feeling some guilt over what happened to her daughter's child. Maybe it would be a good idea for your wife to seek some counseling? Did SD get any counseling after the murder? It might help if they both went together.
In the meantime, she's broken the deal and isn't going to be out by the deadline set. Now it's time for her to start paying rent at your house, she needs to find her own child care instead of using you, no more partying on the weekends (she should be home with her child), she should have chores and share in the cooking and cleaning, she should have a rules and curfew. Time for her to quit being a freeloader. You're wife should be helping her by teaching her to be a responsible parent and adult, not by coddling her like a baby.
I agree with you 100%. My DW
I agree with you 100%. My DW is definitely enabling SD21 by allowing her to not have to be a fulltime parent. Right now SD21 paid $200 (It's supposed to be $250) on Nov 1st since she wasn't moving out for rent....but I don't want her rent money, I want her GONE.
SD did go to counseling for a while, but then she stopped going. But then it got to the point where everytime she got upset about something or if somebody said something about her parenting skills, she would use what happened with her infant to lay a guilt trip on the person. Sometimes she would even say things like "It would be so much easier if I wasn't on this earth anymore." and course my wife would go running home from work to make sure SD21 was okay. I finally put my foot down and told SD21 that if she really feels that way, she needs to go back to counseling or have herself committed and sign over custody of her son. Otherwise I didn't want to hear that come out of her mouth again, especially if its just to get attention or sympathy.
DW does go to counseling every two weeks, and even though I know they discuss SD21 sometimes, I don't think the counselor really has the FULL idea of what is going because DW always sugarcoats things when it comes to SD21. I have told DW time and time again if something were to happen to her, SD21 would be screwed because the girl can hardly wipe her own ass without her mom's help. SD21 literally gets cranky when she has to be with her own son more than a few hours a day. As soon as I get home from work, within 30 mins she is asking to pawn the kid off on me so she can go somewhere. It's gotten to the point where I purposely don't come right after work so she is forced to take her kid with her.
I've been yelling the "no more partying" mantra for a year now, and with no luck. I've told DW that if SD21 wants to go party on the weekends, SD21 needs to find a babysitter. Just this past Saturday night she went out with her friends when I thought she went to work. Since she's a stripper, you would think that Saturday night would be "prime time" for making money since she's supposed to be saving $$$. My wife is enabling her to be a part-time parent, and I'm sick of it.
Wow- I was in your shoes!!!
Wow- I was in your shoes!!! SD23 moved in with us in May 2010- after breaking up with her BF.(something my BF was ecstatic about). The initial Agreed upon plan was she would pay $200/month and save some money for a car. Well, I don't think my BF ever seen $200 in a year and a half. He gave her a car ( a clunker but one that gets her to work) so she had no motivation to save money or do anything. She never offered any housekeeping help (even tho me and her dad both travel out of town several days a week). She wouldn't pick up a roll of toilet paper or a gallon of milk if we ran out (and many times we weren't home!). She was a Princess and a Pig. She dressed like a princess- but lived like a pig- her room was like the show hoarders. I could tell last winter she was starting to get tooo comfortable and had no intentions of going anywhere. And why would she? when she isn't paying a dime for anything and gets to come and go as she pleases?
She would clean her room once a month and then pile weeks and weeks worth of nasty crusty dishes on the counter in the kitchen- with no intention of cleaning them. I started to let them sit there. I would clean out one side of the sink and tell my BD to use that side- so I would know. Then SD23 would use every single towel in the closet and throw all of them on the floor of the closet. This sounds like petty stuff, but I seen it as very disrespectful of me and her father. By the spring- she dug her heels in deep and decided she was NOT moving out and she was going to do whatever should could to get me and My daughter to leave. She started leaving nastygrams all over the house- calling my daughter names and me names. I never felt my BF defended me enough- or made his point clear enough to her that this was wrong- cause she would wait til he left town and start it all over again.
After battling with her for over a year, I finally told him I had enough. Either she was going or I was going. I needed some peace and needed to save my sanity. I was not bluffing- and he knew it. I told him that if she didn't find a place, I would move out and we would have to figure out our "relationship" afterwards.
He miraculously found her an apartment and she moved out 3 weeks ago. I think the fact that her dtr has a baby will make it harder- cause the SD is going to use her to manipulate both her mom and you. In the midst of me and BF discussing the possibility of me leaving- he briefly mentioned letting his oldest dtr who has a 1 year old daughter to move in with him. I immediately told him- if he ever does that- she will never leave and I would never moved back. She would Reclaim the home and he would be left dealing with a controlling and demanding 25 year old- who would treat him like he's a servant. No way!!!
I think you really need to lay this law down and put a date to it. As long as the SD isn't feeling the "pressure" of having to leave- she will milk it as long as she can. I had to put the pressure up on my BF- so that he would finally put the pressure on his dtr. Otherwise, everyone thinks you're just blowing steam and don't really mean what you're saying. I meant it- and He knew it. I even went to look a few houses to rent- and Made my BF aware of my plans. I wasn't waiting for things to change- I was going to change some things!!
Good Luck!! and Stand up for yourself or the spoiled SD will be living there another year!!
BBGF
Yep, I have pulled the "I'm
Yep, I have pulled the "I'm moving out" thing too, and that's when DW gave "her word" that SD21 would have her own place by the end of November. Of course DW just falls for every little sob story SD21 comes up with, and how she has all these tickets to pay, etc. Well those tickets are SD21's fault...not ours. Her $1000 ticket was because she had possession of marijuana. That $1000 ticket also means she loses her drivers license for a year, so she can no longer legally drive. She then went out and got herself a marijuana card so that she can legally have weed, thinking that would get her out of the ticket. Then of course she got caught driving and got 2 more tickets, one for driving with a suspended license, the second for not having car insurance. I know she is keeping her weed somewhere in our house and my wife just acts like its no big deal since she's "legal" to have it.
I think it will take me doing something really drastic for all of this to change. My wife just continues to baby SD21 like she is incapable of doing anything.
BBGF nailed it precisely. My
BBGF nailed it precisely. My SD (27) just recently moved out and I don't think I've ever met a more lazy human being. She'd leave the house dressed in finery with her hair and nails done to perfection, but her room was a pig sty and she thought nothing of leaving dirty skillets on the stove for 3 days. The only chore she did was to clean her room - and she only did that when her BF came to visit- which was not very often.
She too was a little to damm comfortable here, so I made DH charge her real rent, get on her about being accountable and considerate of the household, and everything else I could think of to annoy the hell out of her. She recently moved out. The little twit almost ruined our marriage and we're working hard to rebuild it, but I lost alot of respect for DH in the process.
Put your foot down on SD. As Mustage said, strippers are known to make good money. Until then, charge her real rent . . . (a few hundred dollars) and sit down with her and let her know that that you expect her to be ready to move by the end of February. If you have to save her rent money for her deposit, get her out as soon as you can. Start bringing home apartment rental magazines, look into who will watch her son, etc. Show her and your DW you mean business. If not, she'll still be there next year this time annoying the hell out of you.
Your SD sounds just like
Your SD sounds just like mine. Walking around in $80-$100 pairs of jeans, just recently bought herself and DW a pair of Ugg boots. Walking around like she's a princess and her room is filthy. She never cleans up after herself or her son. Since she doesn't get home till around 2-3am and her 2 yr old son wakes up around 7am....she just lays on the couch sleeping while she puts on cartoons for him. He is of course running around our house tearing up everything in his path while she sleeps. Can't tell you the times I've come home and our house looks like a fallout shelter. Not to mention the times he has actually colored on our plasma TV with crayons, or used them on our walls. Our house isn't even a year old yet and it looks like we've been there for years.