I'm ready to just blow up on fdh. This morning he kept prying to find out why I was grumpy. For WEEKS now I've been trying to get him on board with DOING something. GOING somewhere. Being a COUPLE. The helpful suggestions/nagging/bitching/comments have eluded him clearly. Sometimes that man is so dense I can't even understand it. I have tried being subtle "Hey why don't you teach me to play poker tonight?" to being not so subtle "Seriously I miss "us" and I am bored and about to SCREAM. He finally took me out to eat and to go do a little shopping last week after I had an absolute meltdown because I was so stressed out about the disaster my skids had made the morning while he slept. I finally laid it down and told him that if he didn't put a stop to sd9's hair-do tantrums that he would be the one getting up with them every morning and getting them off to school no matter if he worked til midnight or not. Tantrums have stopped but I'm still getting no involvement.

So this morning I told him I wasn't aware that with his big promotion came roommate status because the ONLY fricken time he isn't working he spends with his ass on the couch watching TV or playing computer casino pretend slots. I'm like for real? You would rather play fake slots for no money than spend time with me actually DOING something. I wish I could just wheel all the fucking TV's in my home to the curb and post free tvs on craigslist. Knowing FDH he would end up buying an 87 inch tv and proudly bringing it home and would totally miss the point. His response to the roommate status thing? "You want me to just call -boss- and tell he/she I can't come in? Would that make you happy? I'm soooo glad you made this worth it" I was like get out. Get in your car. Go to your job and spend the next 12 hours there. Idfc. Because ANYTIME it comes to me having an issue with his job it immediately turns into my fault that he took this job. He doesn't get that HE is the only one that cares about having dollar bills sprouting out of his ass. My family went through it all, being rich, being poor and I don't really care about financial status because it is always changing anyways. He seems to think that unless he is making 6 figures that he is a life failure but remember ITS ALL FOR ME!! He's doing this alllllll for US, OUR FAMILY!!! (said in big snarly mocking fdh voice). No it isn't! It's for YOU to feel good about yourself for providing for your family in the way you want to.

I became a fricken single mom of 4 so he could chase his career goals and I am starting to RESENT it. He can't help with housework, he can't help with the kids, he can't take care of our relationship because he works 11 hour days with a 2 hour commute! The schedule is as follows:

Sat (yesterday) FDH worked til 5pm. He got home, waited for dinner to be made, ate with me in front of tv then played slots til 11 when he finally says to me "Its time for bed im super tired" I saw the computer come out and I was like ok nvm on the quality time then I'll just go organize family photos. Which is what I spent 3 hours doing until he decided he was tired.

Sun: slept til 10am. got up to immediately get ready for work. bitch bitch bitch from Cinna. Left. wont be home until late this evening

Tomorrow: Cinna works morning until dinner then attends her evening class until skids bedtime. FDH works from afternoon til almost midnight. FDH has nerve to tell me he doesn't like the idea of skids being home with sd15 until their bedtime because I have my class. I tell FDH to go suck it.

Tues: FDH works same hours but will be sleeping until time to get ready for work again because he will have been up past midnight. Cinna will be busy getting skids up at 7am and dropping off ss3 at daycare.

Weds: FDH is off of work but Cinna works late morning until after bed time at night. FDH will have to go to bed before Cinna gets home because he works super early morning thurs.

Thurs: FDH works super early until dinner time. This will be the first day he and I AND the kids will all be in one place in over a week for any length of time. Will FDH watch tv all evening. Crystal ball says: Certainly

Friday: FDH is off of work. Unfortunately Cinna has to work for a few hours at some random point during the day.

Sat: FDH works afternoon to midnight. AGAIN

Sunday: FDH works all day. early morning to bedtime.

I'm so annoyed by all of this I'm at the point where I'm just going to ignore him. When he finally decides he has some time in his precious schedule he can come and find me, but by that point he will be nagging me that I'm just too busy for him and that I haven't made any time for HIM *cue whiny toddler voice*
He had the NERVE to tell me a week or two ago that things were just getting out of control because Im too busy and never home and that the schedule is just too hard to coordinate since I just have too much stuff going on. I was FLABBERGASTED. I'm like u serious right now? Cuz I distinctly recall ALLLLLL of this bullshit centering around YOUR kids and THEIR school events, friends events, extra curricular events. To which he replies "Well yeah, that you signed them up for" I was ready to pop him in the mouth because I'm thinking in my head "Yeah because the rest of the family just can't WAIT to sit on our asses and wait for you to show up when you are finally finished at your glorious job. We'll be here on standby knitting you penis warmers"

I feel guilty to some extent because it is his job that allows me the freedom to do what I want, when I want and he does bring me home nice things but I'm sorry a beautiful new coat rack or computer doesn't make up for having a relationship with him. Its been 3 years of just LIVING together and FDH still can't seem to figure out that he is the glue that holds all of these fragile relationships together!
He never holds his paycheck over my head but I feel like since he's makin the bacon that I have no room to complain about him never doing anything around the house anymore. I feel like its almost like a trade off. He got a wife/maid/personal chef/nanny and I got....? A man who works 70 hours a week and left me to raise and care for 4 children, 2 dogs and a home by myself.

Secretly deep down I want to throw at him - THIS is why BM cheated on you for YEARS. Because you left her home, with a giant ass paycheck to fend for herself. I know this isn't the case. BM wanted all the kids. She wanted the paycheck. But he sat there and told me the first time it happened he was in shock because he had no idea she was so unhappy. That she had never said a word. Well buddy there is something BM and I don't have in common. I say everything I think and feel possibly to my own detriment and likely you will hear more from me about this particular topic.

I don't need a man to make me happy. I don't need ANYONE to make me happy. I make myself happy. My faith makes me happy. My personality makes me happy. But really - I signed on for a lot of stuff in this relationship. Being a single mom wasn't one of them. We are supposed to be moving halfway across the country in 6-8 months. I am extremely nervous. I feel good about where we are going and the reasons but I don't want to move and be isolated with NOTHING but the skids and invisible absent FDH! I have friends, family, projects, events and personal classes I take here. I keep myself occupied and interested. I have these visions of me being in another state with no job, no friends, no family, no personal interests and nothing but skids, dogs and a house to take care of. I'm afraid that he is going to uproot our family halfway across the country and then set us down and say "Ok honey *makes hand dusting off motion* We're all good. Got you a house. Got you a new car. - I'm headed to work! See you in 13 hours! Oh and be sure to enroll the kids in their new school, find a daycare and all that other stuff moms are supposed to do!"

Cinna is extremely resiliant, Cinna is flexible and adaptable. But Cinna is not interested in raising her ready made family alone.