MIL's relationship with BM
My MIL lives within walking distance from BM. MIL frequently communicates with BM to arrange time to spend with the Skids. Over the last several month's BM has been SOOO horrible to DH and I. DH asked MIL to cease correspondence with BM as we could really use MIL's support right now. DH made it clear to MIL that she could see the skids when they are with us. MIL recently returned to town (in-laws spend the winter out of state) and low and behold, she's arranging time with the skids on BM's parenting time. We have the skids 2.5 consecutive days per week and many mornings until early afternoon. There is ample time for her to see them when it is DH's parenting time. Instead, MIL contacts BM and arranges to get the skids from her. BM is ALWAYS willing to hand the skids over to whomever will take them. I have conflicting feelings about this as I understand that MIL wants to spend time with skids and may not want to wait until DH's parenting time to see them but I feel like MIL shouldn't be doing BM any favors either (i.e.: acting like her babysitter), especially after all the shit that BM has tried to pull lately. BM has actually called MIL before when she had a 'so called' emergency and arranged for MIL to have the skids if I wouldn't take them (DH was scheduled to work). That puts me in quite a position- Either I take the skids when I'd really rather spend some alone time with my own children or I allow MIL to take them and look like the evil stepmother who doesn't want the skids around.
I don't feel there is any point in having DH talk to MIL about this again. It inevitably will make me seem like the insecure second wife who doesn't want MIL to spend time with the skids. At the end of the day I just need to suppress my feelings for the greater good but it still hurts my feelings. I had really hoped that MIL would stand behind DH and I and our new marriage. I had hoped that she would 'shun' BM after all the damage BM has tried to cause to our marriage. It feels like at the end of the day, BM wins because she had DH's children. DH and I plan to have a child and I really honestly wonder if MIL will be as involved with our child as she is with skids. MIL frequently has her grandkids over for dinner. My children from my first marriage have never been invited ( I don't blame her, that would add two more children to the mix and I understand she doesn't have a bond with them like the skids). I wonder how that will all work when DH and I have a child. Will she invite our bio but not my other children?
I guess I am resigned to the fact that DH's first family is the only that will be recognized. The rest of us are just here by association...
- steppingsideways's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
My DD is frequently left with
My DD is frequently left with her daughter while her ex is 'busy'. It annoys her but I told her this and it could apply to your situation... If GD is with ANYONE in our family over him and his looped out lot then this is a bonus. See, if the kids are with MIL then they are not being exposed to BM and her erratic/skanky/traler trash lifestyle. Isn't that better than being with her?
As for your fears/concerns regarding your future bio child ... remember she KNOWS these kids longer and they are older. Would you expect her to take her older grandchildren AND your future baby?
Your DH would need to make it clear that time doing appropriate age relevant activities are just fine for the older grandkids but she also has a dear wee baby that would love some grandma time as well. And this will mean letting some control go. If you are assertive in your relationship with her she will shy away from taking your child. All because it really isn'y worth the aggravation.
I have a 14 month old son...
I have a 14 month old son... And MIL has only seen him all of maybe 3 times since he was born. Let me explain a little though...
MIL hasn't cleaned her home is God knows how long. It is absolutely filthy therefore DH and I will not take DS over there. Period. And DH has told MIL that. On several occasions. She agrees that her house is a filthy nasty unhealthy mess, but does she do anything to clean it up so she can have a relationship with myself and DS? No. She lays in bed all day and does nothing about it. But who does she call every Friday? BM. So DH's two kids can come over for the weekend (DH has EOW with his kids). Now if BM and DH are okay with their kids being over there in that mess, that's their problem. But my child won't. Now does that mean she can't see DS? No. She could just as easily come over to our home, call DH up or even myself to see if she can come over and see DS. Hell, even ask me if I want to go out to lunch. To the mall. Anything. Back in the day, I would have done it. Today? Nope. She burned a bridge with me. To call my DH's ex EVERY week to have his kids come over is one thing. I get that she wants to see her grandkids. But what about DS? What about me? She NEVER goes out of her way for us. I guess it's just easy with DH's kids since she doesn't have to leave her house. BM will bring them over and pick them up. Well sorry, I'm not bringing DS over to that shithole. And if you don't care enough to do something about it then I don't care. My situation may be a little different than yours... But in a way it is slightly similar. So when you and DH do have a child of your own, who knows. Hopefully MIL takes an active role. I'm just glad DS has my parents. They are wonderful grandparents. And if MIL doesn't want to go out of her way for DS, that's her loss. He has my family who loves him to pieces and that's all he needs.
If you enforce an all or
If you enforce an all or nothing rule with your MIL when it comes to your kids, you have to accept the fact that you may end up with nothing.
I don't treat my son and SKs as equals. If I ever end up with bio grandkids and step grandkids, there's no way I would treat them as equals.