Question:
I need advise.
Subject in question is a 4 year old male child who has not had the easiest life. He apparently has severe separation anxiety. Attempts to leave him at day care resulted in a crying fit that had him vomiting then hypervenilating until he nearly passed out.
Crying fit does not seem to be attention seeking, more along the lines of stark terror. So experienced moms: how would one overcome this level of anxiety/ fear so the child can be left at day care?
Currently, he is at my office. Hiding under my desk whimpering. I feel like an evil heel but he can not stay in my office all day.
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How long has he been going to
How long has he been going to that daycare? There may be in issue there, maybe he is not comfortable with those teachers. I found my son acting the same way with one center that I first started taking him to. I wound up going somewhere else and within a couple of days he was fine for me to leave. I have no idea what he had against the first place but it was something! Have you thought about a home base care provider? He may be happier in that environment. They tend to have lower ratios and the care provider can typically spend a little more time cuddling and creating a safe feeling place for him.
Poor little guy, sorry he is feeling that way!
First day. Not sure if it is
First day. Not sure if it is fear of the unknown, fear due to life history or just separation anxiety.
Schools records do not show him as ever having been a 'student' there before. It is a Montessori Preschool/ Elementary school.
If it is a montessori school
If it is a montessori school I would try to have him stick it out. Would it be possible for you and your spouse/so spend a few hours there with him? Maybe gradually leave him there? It might take a few days but if you could spend a 1/2 day, then 2 hours, then 1 hour, then 1/2 hours then just a drop off... I don't know. It might be worth a try if you guys can work that out.
Spending a few hours might
Spending a few hours might help. Let me call the school and see if it would be allowed.
Thank you. His terror this morning was unerving and the idea of staying had not occurred to me.
^^^ These are all very good
^^^ These are all very good tips too!!
To give some history: Child
To give some history: Child is a foster child. Was placed, very temporarily, in my home on Friday afternoon/evening. He spent Friday night hiding behind my couch crying. Saturday and Sunday he started coming out of his shell by last night he was as well adjusted as I could have hoped for. This morning on drop of to the school he came unglued.
He was taken away from BM due to abuse and neglect. BF and SM are working with the state to obtain custody. If their home inspection passes (sometime this week)then his stay with me will be about 2 weeks. I can not stay home from work for two weeks, I also imagine BF and SM both work so he likely will need to be used to going to daycare for them as well.
Poor thing is probably
Poor thing is probably terrified of being abandoned and passed around.
SASX, it's well established
SASX, it's well established that these kids (from these experiences) have such dysregulation of their nervous systems (since in utero) that they cannot control their stress/panic episodes, cannot recover like normal kids can. So disrupted neurology drives the behaviors. Calm behavior of the adult in proximity helps over time, but for the most part it is extremely difficult for them to get regulated and calm.
I had a "goodbye ritual" with
I had a "goodbye ritual" with my daughter when she started going to pre-school--- an American child in a Japanese preschool.... at first she cried too.
So, talk with the childcare director, and come up with whatever procedure needs to happen.
Then practice with the kid at home a few times.
Then, do you goodbye ritual and you walk away, confidently. Your confidence communicates confidence to your child. Instruct the day care that if he passes out or if he isn't able to calm down within 30 minutes, to call you. Most kids calm down within 10 minutes of the parents leaving.
Our ritual was we went to the door where the teacher met us, we had one hug, then a little "our hearts are always together" touch heart, touch hands thingy, then I said, I'll see you after work....
It was very hard at first.... she did cry and it broke my heart..... but the longer you stay around and try to comfort, the less confident the kid is.... if you're acting worried, that confirms to the child that there is reason to worry.
You have to believe or act as if you believe that you going to work and leaving him at daycare is perfectly normal and natural, and not going to harm him in any way.