How do I convince DH that SS needs to leave?
It’s clear that it isn’t working with SS (almost 12) living with us full-time. I keep trying to bring this up with DH but he refuses to see it and expects me to make it work. It’s his son, not mine. Why should I be the one that needs to make this work and to raise this child?
SS’s behavior problems have been getting progressively worse. Nothing has helped and there’s no possible way I can spend the whole summer taking care of him. DH has a job that’s taking a lot of his time and requires him to travel and he doesn't have the time to deal with his son. I just get dumped on.
If it was up to me SS would already be on a plane to BM even if I had to pay for it myself but BM blew up when DH asked her about it. She doesn’t have anywhere to live and is staying temporarily with relatives, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t have any money. She doesn’t know what she would do if SS was there with her. If we send SS over there with her, it means he’ll be essentially homeless and DH would need to support both SS and BM.
We’ve asked SS what he wants but that hasn't help. He doesn’t want to stay with us. He doesn’t want to go live with BM because he’s scared of living in a foreign country. He wants BM to come back here (to the US). But that isn’t going to happen any time soon.
If SS does go live with BM, DH thinks CS is going to skyrocket and he’ll be on the hook for playing for an expensive international private school and all sorts of extras for him. I’m not an expert in this, but wouldn’t DH have a say? Can’t he say he’s not paying and SS can go to public school? She can’t force him to pay for it from 3000 miles away.
I want this kid gone now no matter how much it costs really. I’ve spent the whole afternoon looking a flights on Expedia. I want to book one and just take him to the airport while DH is away next week. I can’t stand being around him one more day.
DH doesn’t like SS either. I hate to say this, but SS is such an unlikeable, antisocial kid that no one likes him or can stand to be around him. I doubt BM even likes him.
This isn’t working out with him here, there's no reason for him to be here and all the bills and expenses for the psychiatrist, therapy,drugs and so on are going to be far more than what DH would pay for child support. I’m at the point of offering to pay child support myself if I can get out of this situation.
I’ve been trying to completely disenage and let DH see that he doesn’t have the time or ability to deal with his son, DH blames me for not helping more and disengaging. With his job, he can’t be a single parent and primary caregiver. And I’m not going to help pick up the slack.
I don’t want to have this completely messed up kid in my house. Things can’t work like this and DH has absolutely no ability to control SS. He won’t listen to him, much less me. This isn’t an environment that I want to raise my kids in. I don’t know how to make DH see that.
Sorry for the long vent. I can't take much more of this.
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This is your husband's SON.
This is your husband's SON. He has a responsibility to this child. Period.
Sorry you don't like it.
THIS He's a parent. He has
THIS
He's a parent. He has to find a way to make it work. That may mean finding a job that doesn't require him to travel.
I'm his WIFE and my kids are
I'm his WIFE and my kids are his SON and DAUGHTER. Why should SS come first when he's the one causing all the problems?
Isn't is so sad that the
Isn't is so sad that the reason why these kids are so messed up is because of their parents? Then, after the parents have messed up the kid, even they don't want the kid around? Then, the kid -- who never asked to be born in the first place -- ends up being tossed aside because they aren't "good" anymore.
No wonder all of our skids are as eff'd up as they are. They didn't stand a chance from day 1. We can all blame their parents for it.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am even sorrier for the kid. He sounds like he really just needs some major love. But the people he needs it from, aren't capable of giving it.
And we as steps, what can we do? Our ability to intervene and help is either unwanted or taken for granted by the people who are supposed to be doing the hard work in the first place.
It's a no-win situation for everyone involved. Especially the kids.
I don't know how you can convince your DH other than to keep letting him feel the consequences for his choices. Your DH absolutely has to be the one to take care of his kid -- no matter how he has to make that happen.
Poor kid.
I hope your SS moves back
I hope your SS moves back with his mother soon. She is obviously irresponsible and immature. Hang in t here, and pray a lot!
The only thing DH getting a
The only thing DH getting a new job fixes is that I'm not the one stuck with SS. SS doesn't act better when DH is here. DH can't get SS to do anything more than I can do, he's just bigger and can pick him up. The only thing that's better is I don't have to be the one responsible for dealing with him. I still can't live like that with SS here. He's not going to change and I don't see things getting better.
DH would rather be at work than deal with SS. He can't tolerate being around this kid and I know that sounds awful, but DH is a very sweet man and it breaks his heart to say this but this child is this little antisocial mini-BM that absolutely no one likes to be around.
BM is the one who made this child the way he is and it should be her responsibility to deal with him. She walked out on DH while pregnant, didn't want him to be part of SS's life. Despite everything DH tried to do, SS is nothing like DH. They have nothing in common. They can't stand being around each other. This just can't work.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Sounds like an awful
Sounds like an awful situation tbh and one where you have just been expected to get on with, even when you have voiced your worries.
I think you need to tell your DH in plain concise language that you will NOT be looking after ss this summer and that DH will have to make alternative arrangements for child care from now on as you dont wish to involved any further.
Please do not book a ticket and take ss to the airport when DH is away, that will not reflect well on you, and the last thing you want to do is make things worse for yourself long term. I think your DH reaction would be worse if you did this than if you told him directly you will no longer be responsible for his child.
I would also point out you have tried to discuss things with DH, but all he is interested in is TELLING you what to do. Well you arent married to a dictator, so DH doesnt get to tell you to do jack shit. Seeing as he isnt prepared to act like an sane, reasonable husband then all you can do is take action to help YOURSELF.
You dont have to do anything. I know it seems like you do because of how your DH reacts when he hears or sees you doing something he disagrees with, but please dont live your life as a person you dont recognise. Dumping a kid at the airport I am guessing is not something you would usually do, so dont do it.
If DH tries to force your hand and is underhanded about it, then leave the house when he is due to go away. Let him be responsible for his own kid as right now he is dumping his problematic son on you to deal with so he doesnt have to. Nice.
It'd be so expensive and if
It'd be so expensive and if we had that kind of money we'd send him to BM.
His psychiatrist said that in-patient treatment might be necessary. She had been looking for a therapist for him that's from BM's native country. She hoped it might be easier for him to speak in his native language to his therapist, but the only person they could find was about 225 miles away. They were thinking about maybe having him do an in-patient program there for a few days but that's not like drop him off and pick him up a week later and it's expensive and I doubt our insurance would cover it.