OT: Question about Asperger's Syndrome
I've only ever heard of it. I've never personally known anyone with it.
I got an email from my sister yesterday. This is what it said:
"Below you will find a brief explanation of my recent "adventures". It has been a long road and appears that it will continue to be not only for me but also for my kids. What I am about to tell you I tell you in confidence and because my counselor has told me that I will need a strong support group. Please don't share this with the entire family as I fear there will be some that may struggle with the confidential aspect of it. I struggle with this as I do not want to do or say anything that may shed a negative light on (husband) in any way. I do love him, and though we have had our struggles and will continue to do so, I have no plans to change my relationship with him. If you do not feel you will be able to remain unbiased, please let me know. I will not be offended. I have found some relief knowing better what I am up against and will seek the help I need to in order to find the necessary coping skills for me and my emotional needs as well as to help ensure my kids get all they need. My counselor has first hand experience with my "situation" as she has with very similar experiences with her son and husband.
I will do my best to make a long story short, but it gets a little overwhelming so I apologize in advance if I get long winded.
My husband and I decided to get some marriage counseling in an effort to save the 22 years we have together. In this journey it was explained to us that he is VERY left brained and I am right brained. The left brain controls the intellect portion and the right controls the emotion. He decided after about 4 sessions that we have the tools we needed to work on things at home together (either because he was uncomfortable getting in touch with his right side, or because it was $110/hr and we are struggling.) Regardless I chose to make another appointment just for me to better understand the left brain as it has become clear that he is unable to access his right brain as it becomes very stressful for him to deal with emotions. During this session the counselor asked if I had heard of Asperger's Syndrome. She went on to explain it to me in the brief amount of time we had. It all began to make sense. Asperger's is grouped in with autism which explains so much about him. People are born with their brains wired already but without nurturing and emotional stimulation throughout childhood the right side tends to atrophy, so to speak. The trauma and abuse he dealt with forced him to put up walls and defenses and encouraged his left brain development in an effort to combat and defend his emotions. She said he is probably the most strongly left brained person she has ever met in her 30 yrs of counseling.
Though it is a relief to finally know what I am dealing with and know that it is his handicap speaking, it will require me and the kids to find coping mechanisms in order to stave off the depression. She said that we will need to remember to put up our invisible shields when he begins to say hurtful things and remind ourselves that it is his handicap and we aren't to take it personally as he is unable to understand how his words can be hurtful...hence the coping skills. I will make another appt to go back and have her show me how to do this so that I can then help my kids. It won't be easy by any means but we are all he has. I have some further studying to do to get a better understanding and grip on things, but will do my best.
How's that for "in a nutshell"?
(Husband) has not officially been diagnosed and I DID NOT tell him that I would be sharing this information, so please don't let him know I have talked to you. I do not want him to feel labelled or any more insecure than he already does. Again, I only share it in order to hopefully find the support I need as I continue this journey we call "family". If you do some research on the internet you will find very similar characteristics, and if you have any questions, please email me with them.
I love you guys and appreciate the love and support you show me and my family."
Now, I know that others here have posted about coping with children who have Asperger's Syndrome. Does anyone have experience with coping with a spouse with it? Can anyone recommend a site that might be helpful for her to get more information & understanding?
My sister has suffered with depression. Her oldest daughter was pregnant at 16 & gave the child up for adoption. That was almost 2 years ago. She's now pregnant again & got married about 6 months ago, but still behaves like she's 16. My sister has been the one carrying the responsibility of teaching the kids right from wrong, where her husband has just kind of had the "live & learn" attitude.
My BIL grew up with an alcoholic mother & an abusive father. He still suffers with flashbacks of being beaten & abused, & my sister has seen him fall into the role of his abusive father while "discliplining" their children. He doesn't get physically abusive, but the way she describes it is that when he was faced with a situation with their children like one he would've been in with his father, it was like he turned into his father. He would talk to them the way his dad would talk to him. It was scary for all of them.
It put their marriage on the rocks early on & for fear of making sure he didn't fall into that again, he just kind of backed out of the parenting part.
My sister has had to be the "rock" in their family for many years. Now that they've gotten some kind of starting point for better understanding, I wanted to see if anyone could recommend helpful sources for her/them.
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She said that we will need to
She said that we will need to remember to put up our invisible shields when he begins to say hurtful things and remind ourselves that it is his handicap and we aren't to take it personally as he is unable to understand how his words can be hurtful...
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WOW...I feel really bad for your sis and those kids. I don't know anyone with that diagnosis.
I know it is not your place to say anything, but maybe her DH is just an asshole. It seems that everyone wants a label these day to excuse certain types of behavior. I hope she is not candy coating the abuse issue for your sake. (but it really sounds like she is)
Sorry, wish I could help.
We've always just kind of
We've always just kind of labelled him as the guy in our family with no tact. He's very blunt when he speaks, but it's different form someone who intends to insult. He doesn't call names or go to lengths to push buttons. The hurtful things he says are stated factually, but if someone else to were to send the same message, it would likely be padded to keep it from being hurtful.
There are ways to send most any message in a tactful manner. That's how most of us speak to people we love. He lacks that, but it doesn't seem to be with the vile attitude someone would use if they were trying to insult or be hurtful. He doesn't understand why people take offense when he's simply stating facts.
I do question the accuracy of the non-diagnosis, being it came from a counselor who has met with them 4 times with the intent being to resolve issues in their marriage. The sessions haven't necessarily been focused on him individually. I don't know how Asperger's is diagnosed. I think this counselor, having personal experience with it, probably is able to recognize certain traits associated with it, but from what I understand hasn't done any in-depth work in regards to that with BIL.
My sister has been to several
My sister has been to several counselors in their years together trying to cope & find resolve & reason to different things. BIL is the one who suggested it in the beginning. But, in her email she said that after 4 sessions he's convinced they have what they need to work on it at home. To my knowledge, he's never participated in individual counseling. Given the abuse he experienced as a child & growing up with an emotionally-unavailable mother, & the fact that he still experiences flashbacks to a childhood that was terrifying & miserable, I would say he could benefit from counseling anyway. With this possible syndrome in the picture now, I think that just adds to why he should consider it.
He isn't really an aggressive type. He's never been physically abusive to my sister or the kids. He was aggressive with his words when he had his flashbacks, but by the fear he felt when he realized it, I don't believe that aggression is in his character.
I can't say that I've ever thought, "Man, BIL is such an asshole!" But I have thought, "Why can he not find a way to say that nicer?"
During my undergrad, I took
During my undergrad, I took (for my psychology degree) a class specifically for "Autism and Mental Retardation."
We were taught that Asperger's is the lightest form on the autism spectrum. Most people function just fine even if they have it, although it's true their EQ (emotional quotient) seems to be on the low side. They're not sociopaths, but they do have difficulty connecting/empathizing with people, because they are not "feelers."
They can get accused of being cold, or unable to offer the emotional comfort a partner needs. Someone who is a "feeler" will have problems with this "thinker", because they think not everything can be solved by a logical solution. Sometimes a hug and a kiss is the solution in itself to a seemingly unsolvable problem.
Personally I think there are more people with Aspergers than we realize, but this label is only used to explain a set of symptoms that EVERY person on this planet has but it got pushed into a degree that is interfering with healthy mental lives.
A person who has Aspergers who is with someone else who is also logical and not too touchy-feely can have a nice (if not a little bland) marriage, because they both don't have the overwhelming need for that sort of comfort. On the other hand, if they are with someone who is very emotional, the emotional person can often feel rejected, or not understood and alone by their partners.
Anyway, the professor would always warn to be careful about allowing them to use that label as an EXCUSE of why it is difficult to do certain things, or why they should be given special treatment. Those who are given that kind of treatment will often not improve, and think "this is the way things are, and it's okay, because I have an 'illness'." Instead, go at it from "There is an issue, and it is an illness, so how do we overcome it?"
"On the other hand, if they
"On the other hand, if they are with someone who is very emotional, the emotional person can often feel rejected, or not understood and alone by their partners."
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I think my sister has struggled with this. We grew up in a very loving & emotional family. BIL grew up in a family that was anything but loving or emotional.
BIL is very intelligent when it comes to education. He's been through college & owns a chiropractic clinic. He's always been driven to succeed. If anyone will try to use the label as a crutch, it will be my sister. BIL won't put that label out there for people to tie to him.
He has kind of backed out of disciplining their kids because of the fear they both felt when he acted in the midst of a flashback.
First of all, I am glad that
First of all, I am glad that she wrote to you because I do believe it is very hard for ANYONE to finally put a name to issues, however, please make sure you do NOT share this information with your family, out of respect for his and her wishes.
Second, tell her to find a GOOD counselor/psychologist that knows about Asperger's...in my opinion, in my experience, most counselors and psychologists don't know their heads from their A$$ when it comes to AS. And no, I am NOT the only one who feels this way, most people with AS will tell you EXACTLY THE SAME THING. It is truly pathetic and a crock that any counselor would say this is related to bad parenting, etc. when there are plenty of scientific studies which confirm that it is GENETICALLY wired and in addition, that certain immune system issues contribute to it. If you don't believe me, you can check out www.sciencedaily.com, which constantly has studies about AS/Autism, which are basically the same...with VERY SLIGHT differences. You can also check out www.wrongplanet.net or suggest it to your sister, which will help HER and HIM to get TRUE help they will need, as well as understanding. It is a community of mostly adults with AS.
Now, after my speech, sorry, it just really ticks me off that people that know nothing about issues say such stupid things, anyway, buy this book for your sister or recommend it to her:
22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome
PS - I read the same type of book, but opposite with my husband, as well as Aspergirls...we actually laughed much of the time...I read it alone first and finally felt understood...then I told my husband he needed to read it...he hates to read and even he enjoyed it. He felt great knowing he wasn't crazy for not understanding some of my issues, but at the same time it gave him some peace knowing that I didn't do things just to piss him off, but because my brain thought differently. It helped us both greatly.
There are other similar books, there is also one written by the same author about Asperger's on the Job, if her husband has issues that affect his work.
Also, although not sure if you want to go there, she needs to watch for the same signs in her kids...If she looks hard enough, she will start seeing some similarities between her husband and probably one of her kids...some more than others. Most people with AS are not diagnosed as children because they have no speech delays, thus people just label them as "pain in the ass", when in reality, they are just wired differently and see the world differently.
If you or she has any questions, feel free to IM me.
My son has AS and during our marriage and his diagnosis we pretty much realized I was just like him. My husband was the first to notice as we discussed my son's "issues" with doctors. My husband's support has contributed GREATLY to having a great marriage, much better than others I know (outside of the step issues lol). Feeling UNDERSTOOD by him has helped me and our relationship tremendously, just like ANYONE who wants their spouse to understand them...it is no different.
Tony Attwood http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/ also has lots of information about adults with AS.
This "disease" as many want to call it, is NOT a cop-out for bad behavior. But there is no doubt that the brain is wired differently and again, just like others who like one color over another and don't want to be put down by their views/preferences, someone with AS needs the same type of understanding.
Good luck to her and her husband and I hope that as her sister, you are able to also learn about it and help her cope, ie. it's not he end of the world, he's just different...and with differences, also come great gifts.
She sent the email to my
She sent the email to my parents, myself, & my other 2 sisters. There's no question their privacy & wishes will be respected.
As far as I'm aware, it hasn't affected him in his work. He's a chiropractor. He full of facts & is good at sharing information with his patients about how the spine affects every part of their body & he seems to really enjoy being able to share what he knows with anyone who will listen.
Mentioning the kids, one of their daughters seems to exhibit some similar traits. Of course, that's only coming to me now that you mention it. It's something I certainly will mention to my sister. She's not the type to cover things up or ignore them to make them "go away". I really think she's wanting to find real understanding so that they can tackle things together & find resolve.
From what she's expressed, I think she's finding more relief in finally having a place to start trying to understand why things have been the way they've been. I don't think she sees it as the end of the world, but rather finally an explanation for what's been taking a tole on their family for so long.
She knows he's different. We've all recognized that much. She obviously still loves him very much & isn't looking to divorce as an option at this point, & as long as that's her goal, our goal will be to support them in working through & overcoming.
Thank you for the references. I'll pass them on to her.
It is truly pathetic and a
It is truly pathetic and a crock that any counselor would say this is related to bad parenting, etc. when there are plenty of scientific studies which confirm that it is GENETICALLY wired and in addition, that certain immune system issues contribute to it.
This x 1000! The post reminded me of how psychologists in the 50s thought autism was caused by "frigid mothers." We're not talking about PTSD here (though you BIL may have that, as well).
What probably happened in terms of his growing up (and I am, of course, speculating here) is that his parents lack of ability to emotionally nurture him combined with AS being a fairly new dx allowed him to go unnoticed.
My exH has Aspergers syndrome
My exH has Aspergers syndrome - it wasn't diagnosed until just before we split - but it certainly affected the 24 years we spent together - especially in the latter years. He had always been anti-social, but it got worse and he cut himself off from me - began to see me as the enemy which is what ultimately led to me having a horrendous breakdown and then to us splitting up. I am not surprised your sister has depression. My exH used to say some awful things to me, and I got clinically depressed. I am afraid I don't know of any support sites, but I would be willing to PM with you to discuss the possibility of me perhaps sharing experiences with your sister by email.
I'm glad you're supporting
I'm glad you're supporting your sister. Wish I could help, however the only experience I have with it is with a friend of ours daughter. Good luck!
I thought that too.
I thought that too. Especially given the fact that the counselor wasn't seeing him in regards his personal issues. He & my sister were going together...for marriage counseling.
I think she just recongnized some similarities between BIL & her DH & son (who has Asperger's) & that led her to give him the same diagnosis. He hasn't seen a medical doctor. He hasn't had a real diagnosis. She only picked it out because part of his personality resemble theirs.