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When are you "financially ready" for a child? I don't think you can ever be "financially ready" for a child

foxymama87's picture

Submitted by foxymama87 on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 8:05am

My husband and I have been getting into it lately regarding our difference of opinion about when to have our first child together.

I'm getting really angry at him because he just doesn't get it. I'm pissed at the fact that our 7 year relationship has always been revolved around HIS time-line and when HE is ready. Everything from when we got engaged, when we moved in together, when we got married, all of it was when HE was ready. Now I'M ready to have a child but HE is not.

We've had our discussions, his reasoning... "we are not financially ready", "having a child is a lot of hard work and responsibility", and my favorite "I want to enjoy our married life for a few more years before having our first baby."

First off, A lot of children aren't planned. Not many people can be financially ready no matter how much money they make. The economy can get worse, someone can lose their job, the child might end up being born with a disability or get very ill etc.. Life throws you punches and you just have to know how to just go with the flow. Secondly, I KNOW a child is a lot of responsibility, what child isn't. I've helped parent his child for 7 years! He thinks parenting is hard? Well he should try parenting someone else's damn kid for a few years then tell me which one is freaking harder!! and Last, We have been together for seven freaking years! lived together for two! plus not to mention I helped raise his child from day one! WE'VE HAVE BEEN LIVING THE MARRIED LIFE ALL THIS TIME!!! what more could he possibly want?

I'm Ready to be a mother. I'm not getting any younger and neither is he (He's nine years older then me for crying out loud.) I want our Stepdaughter to have a baby brother or sister. I want a child I can call my own. I child I don't have to worry about sharing with another women or feel that I have to compete for his/her love etc...

I don't see why he cant just meet me half way on this. I know I will be a great mother. Haven't I proved that to him already with HIS child?

It gets better... He has the nerve to bitch about how he a least needs to pay off all his credit cards along with saving some money aside before we can talk about babies but insists on spending money next weekend to redo and remodel his daughters room for her 10th birthday. New paint job, new furniture, the works! umm Where is the money coming from? I thought we discussed about not spending a lot money and saving? You think this is going to be cheap? Does his daughter need her room done. NO, Its fine the way it is. How will he pay for it? with his damn credit cards just to prolong the "paying all my credit cards" crap of an excuse!

I've been good trying to read up on babies, I've been saving money, eating healthy and staying active. I even worked on our budget and try to discuss it with him. But he doesn't care. He says "Everything is just to expansive." umm its called INFLATION! Its going to get worse as the years go by! Nothing is going to become cheaper and our paychecks aren't going to increase anytime soon!

I'm sick of his BS. Today was my last day on BC. I wont be taking them anymore. He is also aware of this news. He said he will refrain himself from getting intimate with me unless we use condoms or I get back on BC. I refuse to do either and I know I can hold of having sex for a lot longer then he can. This might be immature of us but I don't know what else to do. At least I'm not doing this behind his back and he knows the chances of me getting pregnant increases once off the BC if he does sleep with me. Making babies doesn't happen over night it takes time. Maybe by then he'll realize how a dumb ass he can be and how having another child isn't so bad after all.

Comments

SMof2Girls's picture

Submitted by SMof2Girls on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 8:29am

This is exactly what ended my first marriage. We agreed before getting married that we wanted kids. We were together a total of 10 years when he ultimately decided that maybe he didn't want kids afterall. It was an endless argument exactly like what you described .. "I'm not ready right now" .. "let's enjoy married life a little longer" .. "let's pay down some debt and save money" .. etc etc etc

I eventually divorced him. 10 years of life wasted on a man who never had any intention of giving me the children he promised.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Submitted by DeeDeeTX on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 8:35am

Sounds like he doesn't want another kid and is stalling.

I think it's fair for people to have an idea in their head of where they want to be financially before having a baby. So I don't blame your husband for that.

What I do blame him for is obviously not having a plan. That is what he owes you.

He owes you details of when, specifically, he'll be ready to have a kid, complete with a detailed planof how he is getting there. (for example, he has 5,000 in credit card debt, he will pay that off $500 a month, so in ten months he will be ready to have a baby.)

Instead it just seems he is making general goals with no specific plans of how to get there....which means to me he doesn't really want a kid, but he doesn't want you to get pissed at him either. So he's just putting it off and hoping you don't get mad....

IMHO of course.

Siferra's picture

Submitted by Siferra on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 11:02am

^^^ This!

"Lets be ready" then stalling is WAY different from "Lets be ready - here is the plan so we can be ready in X time"

Also keeping in mind it might not be super easy to get pregnant - you deserve some answers now. If kids is a dealbreaker issue for you and he definitely doesn't want another one it's time to know. Also, the age difference between the kids is only getting bigger

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 9:03am

I don't believe him. He's willing to withhold sex from you to prevent this. Everything in your post points to him not wanting a baby.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 10:14am

OP, what do we say on here about the BM's who quit BC to trap their man into having a baby? Sad

This whole thing is ALL WRONG. A baby should be made out of love, NOT out of blackmail! Financially ready usually means little debt, a stable home, and at least 6 months' worth of living expenses in savings. Kids ARE expensive.

It does not sound like this man wants a child. It takes two to have one, and only one veto vote. I'd guess that since this is how you two are choosing to handle it, that there are other, bigger problems in your marriage. I cannot fathom getting into this "locking of horns" battle of wills over a BABY.

Look, if it's that important to you, divorce him, and go buy some sperm. But to blackmail your DH into giving you a baby is just... WRONG.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Submitted by DeeDeeTX on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 10:29am

Well, to be fair, he isn't really telling her he doesn't want a kid, he's making vague promises about when this or this happens, he'll be ready. I would have a lot more respect for him if he said, "I'm sorry, I changed my mind, I don't want any more kids. If that means you have to leave me, I understand.".

Instead, he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Submitted by DeeDeeTX on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 10:31am

Well, to be fair, he isn't really telling her he doesn't want a kid, he's making vague promises about when this or this happens, he'll be ready. I would have a lot more respect for him if he said, "I'm sorry, I changed my mind, I don't want any more kids. If that means you have to leave me, I understand.".

Instead, he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 10:32am

Wait...you've been married three months? And before you married him you were having doubts?
I just looked at previous blogs to try to get a better picture, and all I can say is W.T.F.

I can't blame him for wanting to enjoy some married years before procreating! Did you guys discuss babies BEFORE you got married...just a few months ago?

"Women marry a man hoping he'll change. Men marry a woman hoping she won't."

Gabriels Mom's picture

Submitted by Gabriels Mom on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 12:05pm

What's the difference between living as a married couple and actually having a piece of paper and a ring? I understand why the OP is angry...she feels like the whole relationship was dictated by her DH but that's no reason to get pregnant and force him to have a child. If you want a child that badly you need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion...tell him you need a solid timeline. If he says 12-18 months before you start trying and you can live with that then great! If you can't or he can't even give you an idea of when he might be ready then you can wait it out a little longer and revisit the issue or you can get an annulment and find someone who wants to have a baby with you or buy sperm.

Annanymous's picture

Submitted by Annanymous on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 12:31pm

I can understand her frustration if she had been waiting seven years and depending on her age. If we're talking dating for seven years and she is now 26, well, she needs to just wait a bit; if she is 36, I can see more of the frustration of how long is he wanting to wait now because he could pull the "aww well, we NEEEEDED to wait because I spend all my money on SKID, but now she is 40 and I am 49, I just can't have a baby NOW its to late" and that is JUST as wrong for a man to do to a woman as it is for a woman to stop BC and try to get a man to get her pregnant when he doesn't really want to.

OP needs to sit down one on one with DH and have a serious, honest discussion about timelines, expectations, and children and complete honesty as to whether he wants a kid or not.

foxymama87's picture

Submitted by foxymama87 on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 1:20pm

First of all I Knew what I was getting myself into before marrying my now husband. Stickafork, Sorry if I don't come here to write every detail of my personal life. My last blog was on 10/10/2011, which means I was and am actually happy and had no reason to log in since I had nothing to bitch about until now that I just recently started posting again regarding having children. Yes, I had my doubts and issues but they have worked them selves out. Who doesn't have cold feet or doubts before making any important decisions that are life changing like marriage?

Moving on... No one is black mailing anyone. We have discussed having children waayy before we got married. We agreed on having one child and agreed to work on it after we get married, that was our discussion. NOW he is giving me silly excuses about how we need to wait longer. He's told me he does want a child he just feels like we need to wait a few more years. There were times where we thought we had become pregnant before we got married and he was fine with it, he would tell me "we will deal."

The problem with him is that he gets all scared when it comes to life changes. He doesn't know how he would handle the change so he would rather play it safe by taking a few steps back instead of forward. He was scared of being in a relationship after he divorced his crazy cheating whore of a wife but then he met me and he decided to give a relationship, give US a try. He was nervous about popping the question and getting married but now he will tell me it was one of the best things he's ever done as well as the happiest. Now the same thing is happening with the baby dilemma. He doesn't know its good until he actually experiences it for himself. He wont know he wants to be a dad again until I tell him I'm pregnant and he holds the baby in his arms.

I'm not on BC, He knows that. Will that stop us from having sex? NO! Will he not want to touch me knowing I'm not on BC? NO! Will he hate my guts and resent our child if I do become preggos? NO! At the end he will be fine. WE will be fine. More then I can say for a lot of women on this site.

Now I remember why I stopped posting blogs here. A lot of you are just hateful and plain bitter.

I thought it would have been nice to chat with other step parents to be able to give each other advice and support but never mind, all I've gotten here are rude comments, bad advice, Snotty remarks and sometimes even a headache! This is the last time I will ever log on to steptalk.

Good luck to all and may you all one day find your happiness.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 1:23pm

You, too!

I can't help but wonder if one day the new SM will be on here posting all about the BM who "trapped" her DH into having a baby he didn't want.
SIGH.

PS: I never had cold feet marrying DH. I did with XH, so make of that what you will.