If his life can't be turned around? I think you probably can guess - escalating violence, bullying, crime, drugs/alcohol and prison.
This boy sounds as if he requires something a bit more "heavy duty" than counselling - I agree with you that he needs urgent help, and that there is probably little you and your GF can do at this stage.

From my experience with violent teen and tween offenders with "anger problems" is that they will continue to escalate when corrected or they are denied their way. Consequences must be swift and consistent. Every single time he gets violent in any way, the police need to be called to get him off the person he is assaulting and charges MUST be enforced, if you drop the charges, he knows nothing will happen to him for it. This also documents for further assistance.

I hope the boy gets help, but you are right, you and the grandmother can really not do anything but encourage the mother to get him out of the house and into treatment.

I worked with teenagers in foster care, a couple of whom were there for violence and aggression toward their families that could no longer handle them in the home. Most of them, however, also had suffered varying degrees of abuse and psychological damages that contributed to their issues.

It sounds to me if your SD30s boy is flying off and has not had any history of abuse, he may be suffering from mental illness that is emerging. I hope your SD30 will get him to seeing a psychiatrist and therapist and stick to it with the Juvenile Detention process so he knows it is not just a game.

(I am not qualified to diagnose or offer medical advice. I have worked with bipolar and schizophrenic teens that fly off into a rage and lose control and could become violent as well as teens with history of abuse and extreme behaviors.)

SD-30 did the right thing right up until she paid the $45 to bail him out. She should have kept him in until his court date.

I would have to guess that there is no father figure in SD-30's home. What the kid needs is a belt ot paddle to the bare ass every time he steps out of line. There is nothing like a nice warm stinging cherry red butt to get a kids attention. Particularly a kid like your SGS.

Your SD-30 has younger and unborn children to protect. Those kids take precidence over the violent 12yo.

My own father gave me absolute clarity on this point when I was in my pre and early teens. He let me know to never put him in a position to have to chose between his wife (my mom) and me or in a position where he had to chose between me and my younger brothers. I had my chance to be the age of my younger brothers and it was their turn to be that age. I had to experience the age I was and I had to be a responsible big brother. Mentor, support, protect, etc.... was my duty with my younger brothers and nothing less was tolerated.

I am older by 6 years than my surviving brother and my youngest brother was 8yrs younger than I. We were and remain very close even as adults though my duties of oder brother/protector/mentor are rarely required these days.

I agree that there is nothign you can or should do with this kid other than coach his mother to leave him in the system and do her duty by her younger two.

All IMHO of course.

She should not have bailed him out...He needs a firm hand now. It may be too late. But, no matter what you say it will be seen as you hate the kid.

I would start looking at juvenile camps or schools now. But, honestly this is not your problem, this is the mom's and not even the grandma's. She has to have a firm hand now. He is clearly out of control.

My son, now 26, was violent at the same age. He spent some time in a facility where he had intensive treatment, and there were episodes after he was released, but as detailed above, one must protect others and hold the child accountable for his choices as best you can. My son finished college last year, has a great job, and has turned into a responsible kind young man. There is hope.