I guess because it beats the alternative of unsupervised visits and her driving around with the kids shit canned drunk.

And for the record, I am not offended. I understand what you are saying. SO and BM have been fighting out this divorce for over a year before I even came into the picture. But for the stuff with the in and out of hospitalizations,etc., it would have been finalized before I came along too. It's been a year and a half since he filed and they have been apart.

My heart was really heavy last night and we had a meeting with the counselor to assess how the older two are doing in counseling. I brought up a lot of the concerns that were mentioned on here about confusing the kids, etc. Here's what she told me, not verbatim mind you.

Basically, kids these days are more adept and in tune to the fact that the "normal family" is no longer a family unit. Most kids can name more friends who have divorced parents then kids whose parents are still married. Even more than that, with the scourge of drug and alcohol abuse, there are more and more circumstances in which children are being raised by extended family, foster families and legal guardians.

She pointed out that I should already know this due to the years I spent in the juvenile system. Then she asked me a question I was take aback by...she asked me if a child in foster care, who's parent can't get it together, starts calling the foster mom "mom" how would I handle that as the GAL? She told me that children, especially those who go through trauma in their early lives, need to bond and bond with someone who cares and will provide stability. Her statement was that by correcting the children, I am sending the message that it is not ok to bond with me as a parent because I am putting a tag or label that doesn't need to be there. She also pointed out that the kids have redefined what their family is that both I and BM are considered mom to them and that they understand one is not the same as the other. She has helped them process their feelings about both of us and she thinks its encouraging that they can love two people fiercely and that they feel bonded to both of us.

I brought up the time period thing and what she told me was that in the months that I have been a part of their lives they have made numerous comments that lead her to believe that I have helped create some much needed structure in their lives. She assured me the kids do not appear to feel conflicted about loving both of us, and that after yesterday's session they are more comfortable than ever because I did not have a strong reaction when they told me what their mother said.

I know some people feel differently and I don't know where exactly I fall on this issue. I know that for these kids, some of the things I have brought to their lives are things they never had. I also know that I will spend all of my life with them reassuring them that their mom is still their mom and that she loves them, even if she can't do it in a healthy way right now. I am sure that part of the "mommy" thing for them is that they do want so badly to have that connection with someone who is there everyday, sober and caring and maybe as they get older they will make a distinction for themselves but as the counselor stated that is their decision and not mine and the only thing I can do is make sure that whatever decision they make, I can't take it personally. So I think I will keep doing what I am doing. Allow them to call me whatever they choose, and be mindful of the fact that no matter what title they ultimately decide to give me, the title shouldn't define how I love and care for them. So I feel a lot better today.