I have a issue as a BM.
I will try to condense this as best as I can. I was married to my ex for 15 years. He turned into a giant alcoholic and drug user. After the divorce he would pick up the kids randomly at best. Then he disappeared for over two years and on and on and on. He has not really talked to the kids in 5 years. And he has been in prison for almost a year now.
I used to consider his family my family, even after the divorce. (I know…bad BM on my part. Lol)
Then we all just kind of went our own ways. So I have not talked to them in years either. Except for last year when they all decided to tell me that me and MY kids are all just POS’s because we did not keep in touch with any of them. First off…Neither did they…and second off…my kids were 7 and 12 when this all started. I was a single mom with no help for the EX. AT ALL.
I assume he is out of prison now…because I just received a friend request from him today. So did my son. Not my DD. UGH!! I feel conflicted…he must have been sober for the last year, so maybe he changed and can try to work on a relationship with his kids. But then, why not request the friend to DD? And my son already said he is not going to accept it because he does not really even know this man. UGH!
WWYD…would you push your son to see if his dad has changed or just let it go. DS is 19..DD is 24. The only reason I am even thinking this is because he used to be such a great guy. VERY smart, good looking and a great dad. Maybe he changed….?
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Wow, not an easy situation at
Wow, not an easy situation at all. I would probably try to let them have some kind of relationship, even short phone calls and/or visits (supervised) if appropriate. You cant force a child to feel certain things for a parent that has hurt them, and you cant force them to see them or have a relationship with them.
Maybe give the kid the option, and see how that works? I would block him from FB altogether, on all your accounts. They dont need his invasivness right now, so just decline and block. If he wants to email, maybe. Go very slow and let the kids decide mostly. Have you asked a counselor what they suggest?
My thoughts, exactly. They're
My thoughts, exactly. They're adults now, this is their decision.
I agree, they are adults,
I agree, they are adults, it's their choice. They are old enough to remember what he did and how he was. I would support them in whatever they decided.
They are adults. You can talk
They are adults. You can talk to them about the man their father once was and maybe they will want to give him a chance but in the end, it should be their decision. I wouldn't force it.
There is no way I would ever
There is no way I would ever suggest the BD15 pursue a relationship with her father. He wasn't always the greatest guy but even if he was I think that BD will have to make her own decision.
If your ex just got out of prison why didn't he call his son instead of sending him a friend request? That sounds immature and impersonal. It sounds like something my ex would do because in his mind things are fine and he "forgot" about the pain he has caused by abandoning his daughter.
My daughter is choosing to cut-off communication with her other side of the family for now because she feels they are always pressuring her to contact her father. He is the one who hasn't been around, he was on the streets drinking and drugging and is now sitting in jail. She doesn't want to write him or see him and that is fine with me. I don't lead her either way because I know how painful this stuff is.
Thanks ladies! I agree that
Thanks ladies!
I agree that I should not guide him either way on this. Just needed to hear it from other people in the same situation.
I am usually very indifferent to my EX. But every now and then, I remember what he used to be and I get a soft heart. It usually does not last long though!