Slack biological parent
I have an 8 yr old ss. Let me explaim, I came from a very structured household and she came from her grandparents house where her grandmother was a drunk and her grandpa was always at work.. so she don't know real life parenting. She parents out of a book. Im old school and believe in real discipline and that boys shouldn't play with barbies or wear pink or walk around with teddy bears when theyre 8.. when I look back I never once talked back to my dad, I have a lot to offer in my eyes.
Anyways he is 8 and always talks back to her and rarely listens the first two times. She let's him slide all the time. Let's him play his video games or watch cartoons or play with his friends without doing his chores, you know shit like that. Still picks out his outfit and helps him shower. Let's him sleep with her every weekend and I strongly disagree with that, she doesn't care that he eats with his mouth open, she doesn't teach him manners. When he was 7 I had to throw a huge fit so she would allow me to show him how to tie his shoes cuz she wasnt doing it and wasn't going to do it anytime soon.. and she still buys him slip ons cuz it's to "hard for him" f*** that!! He asks her for help all the time with everything, always. She doesn't understand that she needs to kick back so he can be self reliant and so he can learn to be independent when he's older.. All of the above me and his mom argue over daily. I want structure and discipline in the house
The kids never going to be able to figure shit out on his own. Im trying to change the way she does things so I don't have to deal with a dependent teen or adult in the future and cuz I love this kid.. I can't stand it.
To top it off I'm not allowed to discipline or have a say in any of this. It drives me nuts! When she's around he doesn't listen to me and I yell and I get called the bad guy ( keep in mind this happens all the time).. why can't she flip out on him for not listening. It happens all the time. She undermines me. Im just supposed to watch my SS get raised wrong? I can't help but give her my two cents. I'm a manly dude and she let's him be feminine, I may be wrong for what I going to say right now but I need to vent she's let's him wear pink, he has a pink teddy bear he walks around with. She just enrolled him in gymnastics and I strongly disagree with that. I think of the word gymnastics and picture tutus and ballerinas. She doesn't tell him that those things are for girls and I've discussed this with her and she tells me to back off and that she's going to let her son do whatever he wants.. She says im only trippin cuz im not secure with my sexuality which is honestly not true im a mechanic and we f around in the shop all the time .. it seems that only the women in her life seem to think her behavior is ok.. I think he's going to get bullied later on if other kids find out, I'm honestly trying to help him
I badly want to leave but I don't want to leave my real son behind, he's two and I love him to death.. oh and btw she doesn't let him slide at all. Shes on him like a fly on shit. For example my SS will hit him and won't get yelled at.. but if my son hits my SS he gets yelled at.. she tucks my SS in every night with a big kiss and doesn't give my son the same treatment. One more thing she doesn't make my SS share his toys but let's him play with my son's toys.. why doesn't she teach him to share?!?!?! He throws a big fits when he has to share and basically just says nvm sorry.. I've told this kid everyday for the past 3 years to eat with his mouth closed and he won't do it, she doesn't back me up!! Does she not care that her son eats like a pig? Does she not want to raise him right? When he gets tired he starts to mouth off and be rude to everybody around him and she doesn't do anything about it.. he throws fits at school and gets sent home and she let's him hop on his video games or watch cartoons..
ALRIGHT MY RANT IS OVER 
HELP ME PLEASE!!
This isn't real is it? Lol. I
This isn't real is it? Lol. I guess I'll say if you want to be taken seriously because you really need advice, go back and edit out the stuff about being a "manly dude" and it being wrong for boys to have pink things and play with dolls, lol.
If you want to get your wife's cooperation and be a team, you'll have to start being more reasonable. Personally, I'd find it hard to be a united front with my spouse if I feel some of the things he said were outrageous. You need to find common ground and make suggestions and decisions that either support your wife in her parenting role, or make it possible for her to be comfortable supporting you.
Saying things like "no pink" or "no barbies" are most likely causing her to question what the heck your priorities are and if you're a person she wants to be on the same team with.
This is obviously just my opinion.
Ok
Are you male or female?
Ok
It is normal behavior but why doesn't she discipline?
She doesn't discipline the
She doesn't discipline the way you want her to because she doesn't want to. As she is his parent, she gets to dictate how she disciplines and how others interact with her child.
She wants you to butt out with parenting him. Butt out. Make it clear that you won't have an adult child living with you; if it comes to that point, she can move out with her son and they can live happily ever after.
Regarding your son, stop letting him play with his brother if it gets him in trouble. Take his toys and put them in his room, and take them from SS if he is playing with them. If SS misbehaves, tell your wife and let her handle it how she sees fit. You won't convince her to change her parenting style, so you might as well disengage if you want to stay with her.
And for the love of god, let the macho crap GO. What are you afraid of, that he'll be gay? Newsflash,as someone who isn't straight, that isn't something a pink teddy bear will dictate; he'll either like girls or he won't, and to what degree he does or doesn't is already programmed into him. If your concern is that he won't be a manly man, newsflash: You can't teach that, either. He will either have an affinity to be "manly" or he won't. Pushing him to be rough and tumble isn't going to make him rough and tumble.
If you can't handle how your wife parents, disengage or leave. If you don't want to leave because of your son, then deal with the woman and life you chose. She has been this kind of parent from the start, so you knew what you were getting into when you had a child with her. Your child will likely grow up in a split household where he spends half his time with you and half with her since she isn't willing to change and you likely aren't willing to let it go. If disengagement doesn't sound appealing, then I suggest finding a lawyer who specializes in father's rights to ensure you get equal and fair custody of your son.
This may surprise some but not others...
I agree with you. Accountability is not a sexual orientation thing but it should be a universal truth of parenting.
I raised my SS as my own. I did it the way my father and mother did it with my brothers and I. It works. Dad is a Marine. He and my mom set the standards of behavior and performance in their home and they held their sons to it.
So did my bride and I with SS-25. We met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.
To cut to the chase... SS was all boy because we raised him all boy. Now he is a man of character and honor. He is also gay. Something he shared with his mom and I when he was 20. That changed nothing in our family dynamic. He is still our son and we are his mom and dad. That said... there is no pink in his world and never has been. When he came out I requested one thing of him. That he be careful and keep his head in the game because life is hard enough and this will just make it that much more challenging. Some will not be accepting. He chuckled at me and told me not to worry and that no one would know unless he told them because after all "You know me dad. I am not one to walk around in make up and bare assed in leather chaps." He does not hide that he is gay but neither does he put it front and center in anyone's face.
I respect your perspective on raising the kids in your home with standards of behavior and performance. I understand that you balk at the pink Teddy bears, etc.... I would too. Those are choices that SS can make when he is an adult. It is a parent's job to enforce standards and discipline in the home so ... step up and parent. If your wife doesn't like how you do that then she can step up and get it done before you have to. If she fails to step up then she can shut up and have your back until the two of you can discuss it in private. If she does step up and you don't like how she parents... then you can shut up until the two of you can discuss it in private. See how this works? You are equity life partners and should function as a team.
As equity life partners you and DW are equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. So step up and be an equity parent.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.