spouse bragging about step son lots ..
Has anyone ever thought their spouse boasts to highly of their child and your thinking to yourself " really? " and in your mind totally disagree? Yesterday my spouse was telling me a few things about step son 21 that had me thinking " My spouse is dilusional or something, because seriously step son is irrisponsible, lazy, barely has his crap together, dependent on adults around him, doesn't ever do laundry- infact he just puts his clothes in the dryer with a dryer sheet before he goes out, his personal hygein sucks and is obsessed with video games". I would never tell my spouse how I truly feel, and I would never be rude or mean to step son either. I just wanted to vent whats on my mind today,
For starters this kid isn't my spouses biological son, it is his step son from a previous relationship. I had written a forum here last year as step son 21 was living with us at the time. My spouse was in a previous relationship with a women who had a son and a daughter that my spouse helped raise as their bio dad lived far away. When the relationship ended he still stayed in contact with the kids, as they were teenagers and looked up to him and he cared about them. Step son came to live with us when he was 18, as the mom had a tough time with him and she also moved far away for a job and he did not want to go. Step son lived with us for over three years. During this three years we had some difficulties with the step son. EVEN MY SPOUSE was getting "fed up" and very irritated towards the last year and enough was enough. Step son didn't work for five months and we prvided, supported him financially. Meanwhile he just played video games all night, slept all day. Finally my spouse became fed up and told him to find a job, or he would be moving to his moms. He found a job then was fired three months later due to smoking marijuanna before work, and on his break. A friend then got him a part time job in the mall at a gaming store which he worked for a year which is great. He had just enough money to pay his rent that my spouse had him pay to teach him some responsibility. It was very low payment and it included all meals plus snacks/junk food, toilettries, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, laundry detergent (he rarely used) and then internet, cable, electricity, and heat. Sometimes he wasn't able to pay the rent as he didn't work enough hours even after he was offered full time but declined. He said he didn't want to work full time and didn't want to pick up any extra hours even after my spouse highly suggested he do this for money in his pocket. The kid only cared about gaming. It took two years of me cleaning his dishes until I stopped and then he would leave his dishes in his room for a week with mold growing on them. I still left them, and said nothing as I wanted my spouse to deal with it. Wasn't my responsibility. My spouse then noticed and started to become fed up too. On top of that he never ever lifted one finger to help around the house or yard. He took out the trash, twice-maybe three times.
Don't get me wrong the step son was very kind. He wasn't into partying, and he had a few close friends he seen once in awhile. We all went camping together, we played board games together, we had BBQ and mingled, and I personally had no problem with him as a person just became very irritated with how he lived in our home. We got along as I was never harsh, rude or mean to him but it took alot for me to hold back my thoughts at times. Especially when I was cleaning up after him constantly. I would politely remind him to do his dishes of course, but he usually did not listen as he got to carried away with games and would forget. My spouse did everything to help him, by paying for him to get his license so he could drive instead of takiong the bus. At first my spouse was driving him everywhere but he became dependent on that. His room always smelled awful and my spouse would try to tell him to clean it, wash his sheets, pick up his garbage and he never did. My spouse cleaned it for him once while he was gone because it was so bad.
Step son was finally asked to move out last August (2017) and he had 6 months notice. My spouse had enough, i had enough and my spouse told him it was just time to get his own place with friends or on his own, and that we were buying a new home but it would be smaller and there would be not any room for him. He had the basement to his self and a bedroom at the time. Anyways, my point here is that after all this my spouse tells me yesterday that his step son wasn't much problem living with us. He also started comparing him to my kid brother (19) and perhaps I was a bit sensitive about it but I didn't show him. I just reminded him of the difficulties we had, and he completely ignored it, telling me his step son does well for himself, he has a full time job now. He forgot to mention he had to get a full time job as he was behind on his rent working part time, and couldn't even buy groceries and would of been kicked out. However I did not say that. I just thought it to myself. He roomates with two other guys, and the place is a total slob, especially his room. When step son comes to visit us, he has a bad odur to him that he smells of stale moldy clothes as he hasn't been doing his laundry? Same smell as before, and his hair is a complete mess as he hasn't cut it in a long time and it appeared knotted in the back. He just lays on our couch the entire time with his feet up.
Yet my spouse is constantly bragging about him to everyone. People that know us, know what step son is truly like, and even my spouses friend said " I was just at his house to pick him up for work, and he wasnt out of bed i had to wait for him and i went into his room and his room was a disaster im surprised they still let him live there". My spouse just said, " oh hes a young kid, there all like that." ?? what the heck? I just rolled my eyes (turning my head). I just don't understand why all of a sudden my spouse is acting like this, and with all the bragging. He is also refering himself as "dad" to the step son lately too, which i found odd as they have never called him dad just his first name. Is my spouse feeling guilty that his step son isn't living with us anymore? Is there more going on I should be noticing about..
Time to disengage
This is the 'perfect storm' you want to avoid. It's time to disengage. This means not allowing SS any space in your head. When your DH mentions him you respond with something like, "Hmmm" or "That's interesting" , and change the subject. DH can clean up after SS, buy gifts, remember birthdays, etc. Distance yourself from this whole situation and let DH deal with it. Good luck.
my DH does this every single
my DH does this every single time i am pissed off about her treatment of me and him not standing up for me. go figure. that's just bizarre to me.
"He's a good kid!"
Okay DH, then why does he lie, come home high, sneak drugs around, manipulate, cut school, have conflicts with teachers & faculty, refuse to do laundry, brush teeth, refuse to be civil?
Well... if it's any
Well... if it's any consolation, a skid who has a full time job and lives on his own.. no matter how slovenly is still better than a lot of the specimens we hear about daily here. lol
Your DH probably just wants to relate to other people about "his" kid.
I know you know all about the steamy underbelly of the beast, but at least he is no longer stenching up your basement... so that's a win.
I agree. This is exactly how
I agree. This is exactly how I look at it*ROFL*
My DH does this too.
My DH does this too. Everything that happens to his kids is The Best. Change jobs from flipping burgers to washing dishes? GREAT. Couldn't be prouder. I do the "mmm hmmm, nice, glad you're pleased, what's for dinner" response as best I can. One time I was totally fed up and asked DH something like, "so you think a career as a dishwasher is a good thing? That's what you're telling skid everytime you gush over one of his minimum wage jobs that he flits to every two months." DH actually got teary saying he didn't know what else to do and he was so worried. Don't know what else to do? Boot up ass would have been good. Honesty would be good. Expectations would be good.
SS, now, has an actual full time job with benefits, and he's come a long, long way. And I in no way am denigrating minimum wage jobs. For a young person, that's a normal place to start learning responsibility. It's was the constant quitting when things got rough, then on to the next thing, then quitting, then ... But skid learned that from BM. And DH was perpetuating the cycle by supporting it rather than expressing any disappointment/disapproval at all. Made me nuts.
ss32 is now working at Burger
ss32 is now working at Burger King. Just like your skid he has had dozens of jobs then quits and runs home when things get tough...like waking up before noon. DH usually brags as well but not this time, I think he's embarassed.
I am glad I am not the only
I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I am really happy Skid doesn't live with us anymore. I think I am just terrified he will have to come back to live with us? Or his sister (step daughter 20). I guess I am just mentally reminding myself- no, never again. Skid come to visit. My DH is inviting skid over everytime we have a get together, any family dinner, games night. My DH was also inviting him when MY side of the family was coming for dinner ( Christmas break) I had my side of the family over, and he invited Skid I was a bit shocked, but what could I say? I couldn't say " hun, this is my family dinner not your side of the family why are you inviting skid over" as that would of hurt my DH feelings big time. He just never invited Skid over to MY side of the family dinners before.. however my parents invited SKID for Christmas dinner one year but he declined as he was going to his mom's family dinner- absolutly makes sense as its his MOM. He never did this before, even when Skid LIVED with us.. he rarely asked " hey did you want to come join us for games night?" or " Hey were going to my familys for a BBQ want to come". So I think just now that it is happening A LOT, I was really really worried as if my DH regrets him moving out and wants him back. I am probably just paranoid. I hope.
OH, DH tried doing this with
OH, DH tried doing this with me the other day.
DH: Isn't it funny that SD14 is just watching U-Tube on her phone all the time and she still says her homework is done or she doesn't have any?
Cover: I disagree with that and told you it was a problem like three years ago and to put limits on it, so I don't care.
DH: But it's FUNNY, right?
Cover: I don't think it's funny at all.
DH: But isn't it? She gets her homework done and everything! (...which is true, she's a good student but totally addicted to her devices)
Cover: I couldn't give a cr@p about what SD14 does right now.
...conversation moves on to other topics..
DH doesn't do this and never
DH doesn't do this and never has. I must admit I've been guilty of it a couple of times. When I've done it, it has been legitimate, or so I've felt. My oldest had an EP release that I bragged big time about, his music was wonderful! My youngest is very intelligent and I tend to brag about that too.
DH has on a couple of occations told me to tone it down a bit. I was hurt, I'll admit. I asked him why it was so wrong of me to brag about my childrens accomplishments.
Turns out BM was ALWAYS bragging about the skids. "Oh your kid took dance? MY daughter was the best dancer the school had ever seen. She was simply amazing and of course could have been a professional if she hadn't been so interested in sports. Oh your kid plays hockey? My son is the best player the team had ever seen, his coach just loved him! But then again EVERYONE is always telling me what wonderful amazing children I have so I'm not surprised in the least!"
He said it was embarassing and he could see the other parents looks of annoyance when she did it. They'd smile and nod and walk away. Never to come back and chat again. She would get angry when no one would talk to her at parties and school get togethers. Of course it didn't help that everyone loved DH and would happily sit/stand and chat with him all night.
When he told her to stop she went into a narcissistic rage on him. Telling him that if he wasn't around people would like her more and that HER children were better than any of the kids in thier town. If people couldn't see how amazing they were and what a great mother she was it was up to her to make sure they knew!
Spooky
It almost seems spooky how similar our lives can be.....my SS is grown (sort of) and out of the house (see my forum post) but I heard this baloney all the time when SS growing up......When he did something dumb or crazy, my DH would say “everybody his age is doing that”....driving drunk at 16, crashing the car then running to hide from the cops....that was only the beginning...this and worse went on for years, he now has a great job ( my DH got the job for him) SS Just isn’t a people person he said...(he is a people person on a Saturday nite at a nasty party tho..) My DH brags about SS 24-7 to everybody..I guess that is totally not the type of person I would brag about....we all love our kids, but some people are just plain dumb about it....Hey look at the bright side, at least your SS is just stinky and lazy....I can totally relate
I am fine with parental pride in a child... unless that pride
is in mediocrity. Performance should induce pride... mediocrity... not so much.
Don't get me wrong. Kids are great. However,I have little respect for adults who have no life other than their child(ren) and hammer on how special their child is when there is little to no demonstration of that specialness. Often I see this behavior in parents who had children to fill a hole in their own lives. No kid should exist because mommy and or daddy was trying to create someone who would love them or to fill some void in their own life.
My DW's cousin is one of these. She is young (early 20s) and has an oowl 1yo. She never stops harping on how amazing this kid is, how completely, infinitely, and exclusively loves this kid and then uses this kid to bash those in her life who have not worshiped her adequately. In short... this kid is all about her. She has several young women in her peer group who all are smoking out of the same crack pipe of maniacal dedication to their babies that most of them can't even support. It is frightening. The continuous cycle of new "loves of their lives" BFs that enter and then quickly depart this picture over these young women and their baby idolatry does not bode well for these babies having a shot at experiencing normalcy in the adult relationships they will observe.
This young woman was actually one of the few in my bride's family who I thought was different. It turns out... nope.... she has distilled the KoolAid into high power crack and will destroy this baby's life with the helicopter insanely nuts parenting. At least that is my forecast.
I hope I am wrong.
I married a single teen mom who was hell bent on preparing herself to be able to support herself and her son. While the kid was core to her world he was not her entire world nor was he some idol that she worshipped as it appears her cousin is doing.
Revisionist History
seems to be a common thing with weak parents, or at least the ones we read about on this site.
My DH went through a period of being big on revising his kids' behavior. This was soon after YSD had moved out at nineteen, and I think it was his way of coping with his lamentable batting average as a parent. His kids are in their thirties now and he rarely brings them up at all, but I can remember being at a dinner where YSD's high school was mentioned. It's a highly regarded school with an accelerated International Studies program that draws students from all over our county. YSD only attended because we lived in the district, and her poor grades soon saw her dropped from the I.S. program. DH was waxing on about this great program, and I slipped and reminded him that YSD hadn't been in it for all four years. He was not happy at all.