I think it's perfectly normal for adult kids to spend the night.  I spend the night with my parents from time to time.  SO and I spent a weekend recently with his mother and step father.  Just about every young adult I know spends an occasional night with their parents if they don't live close.  However, I don't think it's normal to allow someone who disrespects you to spend the night.  I don't think the issue is adult skids, I think it is these particular stepkids.  I wouldn't let her stay either.

I have no answer that you are looking for but I will be 50 next month and I sleep at my mothers every Wednesday night unless the men folk are out of town or I have a business thing I cannot miss.  We have dinner, catch up and watch whatever she chooses.  It is usually 8 or 9 o'clock before we are done so I just spend the night.

My SS19 stays with us when he is home from college.  But that is way different from your situation.  If he did the same as your SS19 he wouldn't be staying.

I think there are actually two different issues here.

1.  Why would adults need to stay at their parents?  Any number of reasons might make sense.  Perhaps for convenience or because mom and dad have a large home it is ok and saves the trouble of spending money or putting other people out.

2.  Why would you allow people to stay in your home that can't respect the people that live in the home?  This is really the issue that makes the invitation to spend the night null and void.  You don't entertain people in your home that can't be civil adults to the other people living in that home.

I used to spend the occasional night at my dad's when I was younger and lived 3 hours away. But I was always respectul toward my dad and his GF at the time. I think if these kids weren't such huge a-holes, you'd be fine with it.

I think it's normal for adults to spend nights at their parents home. I have spent nights at both of my parents homes, and DH and I spent nights at my MIL's home when she was still living.  I also think it is normal for kids going to college to return to a family home during breaks from school, at least until they get old enough that they would prefer to stay elsewhere. 

But what is not normal is expecting someone else to take disrespect in the home from one of the adult kids. If your SD is disrespectful to you, then sorry DH.  Your home is your sanctuary. There was a time when my own BD was not allowed in the home until she treated her elders with respect. Your DH is conveniently choosing to forget his DD's previous poor behavior to make himself feel better.

I stay at my parents as does my sister when we go to visit, as they do with us. I think that is normal but we have loving, caring relationships.

I can't imagine what it has to feel like for your husband to know his kids are not the kind of people he wants them to be.  He has to feel like he failed them. That has to be hard, but out of respect for his wife why would you allow people to stay in her home that are disrepctful to her. 

I agree with beebee  if they were respectful to you her staying there would be  a different deal. Plus, your son does not need to be exposed to someone not treating his mom respectfully.

My adult kids came home from college and stayed at my house.  Other times, they stayed at their dad's house.  

I live in a unique situation in that I won't let DH's son, ASS, set foot in my house because of the way he treated me when he lived in my house.  In fact, ASS is on Spring Break right now and I don't know where he is staying.  I don't care.
 

Yeah, general agreement is nothing wrong w/spending the night at a parents house-many adults do it all the time -especially when travelling to visit, etc.  I don't think what your dh is wanting is over eager or wrong or out of line.  BUT, understood that w/the past disrespect issues you may have a problem with it.

Personally if it really is only a day or two I would go ahead and compromise and try and have fun w/it.  Honestly- people can attest here that my SD was seriously one of the most jacked up kids on these boards- now that she is 17 and not living w/us-when we DO see her it goes pretty well.  I wouldn't mind her spending a night or two.  What's in the past is in the past for me- hoping to turn a new leaf.  NOW-if she disrespects you again after being away all this time- then it's a hard shut down. 

I do think we owe it to our husbands if anything to sometimes compromise- look away from things that happened years ago and try to re-build a new relationship once they are a bit older.  At least that's been my approach. 

Wait, so I scan read.  She sent you something hateful just 6 months ago?  What was it?  

for your SD's actions. She has proved time and again that she cannot conduct herself properly in your home. DH's conveniently forget because chances are they arent the target and think the SM's should just get over it. Nope, stick to your guns and the drama stays away from you. 

I agree with most of the others, I know it isn't what you want to hear. I still stay the night over at my mom's from time to time. We do girls nights when my dad is out of town. When my kids still believed in Santa we all did Christmas eve night there. If it is going to be a bad snow storm or hurricane, we all (the sibilings, grandkids and our spouses) go to my parents. Food, drinks, games, big fireplace (they have a generator).... it is pretty awesome.

 I think that maybe with her growing up and being at college, you might want to try and give her another chance. She is an adult, now, try talking to her. Not defensivly but in saying that she hurt you in the past but you want to move past that and be friends. Give her a chance to be a better person.

I agree with ESMOD's comment.  It would be different if you had a loving, mutually respectful relationship with these skids, but that is not the case.  I think you have every right to not want them to stay the night. They can make other arrangments.

I do stay the night at my mom's when I visit her.  She lives 3 hours away and wants me and my family to stay...my step dad tolerates it LOL!  He is a bit like Red Forman on that 70s show but we actually have a good relationship and I am respectful of their relationship.  

I don't ever stay the night at my dad's house b/c I only live 5 minutes away from him.  My older brother stays there though when he comes in from out of town.  He has a very different lifestyle than my SM and I think he probably drives her crazy and vice versa but they are both respectful of one another and it still works.  

DH said he didn't remember that...

I don't know about you, Daizy, but I keep that kind of stuff. Oh jeez, DH, you forgot?? Well, here you go. Refresh your memory.

For me, this would be all about SD's lack of respect. If your DH is pining to spend 24/7 with SD, airbnb has good bargains...

Like the others, I think it is totally normal for adult kids to spend the night. I would not allow disrespectful, adult kids to spend the night. 

I have no problem with an adult skid occasionally spending the night.  In my unique situation, SS18 is like an 8yo.  While I don't mind him once in awhile, he wants to come every weekend, spend the nite, sleep until 2 or 3pm and then leave.  There is absolutely no point in this.   DSO and SS in different rooms, no interaction unless SS needs a cigarette.  

SS18 is the favorite skid so I'm weaning DSO off of he has to get him when the little punk bellows.

Long story but when DSO wouldn't get SS, on his whims, SS would get violent and mouthy to BM, so says BM, and then cops would be involved.  So its like a trigger for DSO when SS texts continuously. 

I absolutely refuse to let skids spend the night in my home that are disrespectful. I understand how you feel. And you have every right to feel this way.

Your husband forgot about what she did and her messages, that's because she did it to you not him.  He can forget about it and you feel like she just sent it yesterday. That feeling just never goes away. Because they are never held accountable for their actions with these disney dads.

DaizyDuke, I recall all that drama. I would be vehemently against her staying at my house, too, if I were in your shoes. It would be anxiety inducing for me as well. Stick to your guns and maintaining your boundaries. 

SD24 expects to have sleepovers with her live in fiance that is 26Fiance in our home.  They used to live here it has caused lots of problems in my relationship with DH and my in laws too. The biggest reason is disrespect. I can't take or live with people that are going to come and go in my home to steal my joy.  Now they still come back like any chance they get. One time they came walking in on a Saturday afternoon like 1:00 ready to camp out on my couch for the weekend. I was sock amd made them leave I appologized and said that I was sick amd we weren't up for company.  This started the great divide for me and my DH.  SS26 went off on how they (skids) don't come here to see me they come to see DH. I say go to dinner then and stay out of my home. My DH compares this to my BS30 and DIL28 traveling 6 hours to spend the weekend with us. It is exhausting!

Have you all had to deal with adultskids going to your inlaws to talk about you? It has happened to me they are giving one sided stories of what is happening in my home..  DH isn't invited they are having barbecues and dinners without us. DH's brother and wife have decided they will give the adult skids a safe place to discuss our family...   I have tried inviting them over and to go out with us but they are busy.  I feel so bad for my DH because we don't get to see my SGS7months old.  But they take our grand son to see everyone else. There is so a lot of division.  

I would be perfectly fine having adult kids spend the night, if they were decent people! I'm not ok with negitive, narcisstic, SK coming and going when ever they please in the home I work hard to support! I'm so against this I have an apartment ready incase my DH looses his balls again and lets SD treat our home as a hotel! Think he knows I'm dead serious! She is trying to already and Summer just began! The locks have been changed, apartment paid for and I'm just in limbo. I'm sure you feel bad saying no. However, it's your home too and you don't have to accomadate people who are toxic to you and your marraige! hugs!