New Tactics
My ss will be 18 in 2 weeks. He is a roller coaster of a person. One minute he’s doing ok, school good, home life good, being respectful and then he drop all way to rock bottom. Acting out, total disrespect, failing in studies, lying, stealing, manipulation. You name it. The thing is this pattern of behavior has been constant for the 4 years old 14-almost 18 now. His rock bottoms are more constant than his ups. They last longer.
Unfortunately there is very little follow through form DH. He is more of friend than a dad to him. He so guilty because ss Mom basically abandoned him at age 7. DH fear is if he is too hard on him his son will leave to go find his mom and not come back. The bio mom hasn’t even been in touch with him since he was 7. She doesn’t pay her child support or even send a bday card. She had lived a no rules life. And my son would love that. No rules no responsibility come and go as he pleases. He other daughter, ss older half sister is now 22. Had her first baby at 17, 2nd at 19, and third at 21. All from 3 different guys.
My ss is the type of kid who had destructive self sabotage behavior. (As per therapist). For example let’s say he is doing well in school. I cannot acknowledge it with praise because he will then purposefully start failing. Yet, if I when I don’t acknowledge him he says I don’t care about him. It’s a no win situation.
He also has relationship issues. He will meet a girl. Instant obsession and when it goes bad because he treats her bad he is heartbroken and can’t get over it. Abandonment issues. Hell yes. Mommy issues. Hell yes.
I need advice on a different parenting tactic to get him to at least make it heough his senior year and get into college in the fall. DH leaves this month and won’t be back to July so it’s literally up to me to get him to the finish line.
I can’t even get him to clean his room and shower. I try the reward system. You do what’s expected of you and you have your phone and PlayStation. If not they belong to me. I try to encourage him to go out with friends he doesn’t. I try to support his interests. Creative writing, piano lessons, martial arts, bag pipe. I sign him for lessons promote his talents and he gives up. So I’m faced with a lazy quitter. Yes we all go to family counseling or should I say we didn’t. He no longer goes and no one makes him. I never thought I’d raise such a slug on Society kid. Ashamed he is like one of these millenniaals who expect thugs to be done for him. I won’t. I m not his maid not his excuse. I refuse to be an enabler of laziness. But it’s just me. My husband unfortunately is not around due to work. So I’m the disciplinary. And we all know how that goes. I’m one minute “Mom” when he gets what he wants. When he doesn’t I’m the “evil stepmom”. It’s exhausting. What would you all do? For those of you with 18 year olds what are the rules you enforced in your home? Mind you he is full time with us as my husband has custody since he was 2. I’m the only Mom he has and I’m sad to say I feel like he is goingno where fast. He is smart but withbzero initiative at all. Help!!! Any guidance is appreciated as I’m at a complete lloss
Have you had him evaluated
Have you had him evaluated medically for bipolar or other mood disorder?
My teenage SS was similar in some ways. He was self medicating. His father didn't believe (because he didn't want to). Any patterns of asking for money, stealing/selling things? My SS was forever having flat tires and instead of DH helping him "fix" the tire he'd hand SS money. Nothing wrong with the damn tires, DH, you've been played! Anything like that?
If neither of these, all you can do is set expectations and hold him accountable. You can't make him do anything -- but you can take care of yourself and your own safety and sanity.
With your DH being away for the next few months, make a plan about what will happen if SS doesn't live up to the primary rules of the household. And present that to SS, with his father there, and follow through if you need to.
When he was going to
When he was going to therapist or year and a half ago the therapist himself recommended that he get a psychiatric a valuation. Two full reason because his mother biological was suicidal and would do drugs and we don’t know the full background of her medical history and mental state. The fact that my son would sell sabotage he was cutting himself at one point as well as being aggressive in recent years that the therapist felt that a psychiatric evaluation would help. Due to the fact that I am just a stepmom and have no legal guardianship or say there was nothing I could do about it my husband deny want to get him psychiatrically evaluated for whatever reason. Guilt his own pride or just simply thinking that he didn’t want to face the fact that his son could have a mental disorder or issue of some sort. In the back of my mind I always feel that my step son is almost like a ticking time bomb that it’s only a matter of time before he either does something to himself or someone else. Or that once he is out of our house that he will very easily turn to drugs or drinking as a way to cope with things. Prior to being 14 he was very social very outgoing a good kid it really wasn’t until about 1314 that there was a flip of the switch. My has been chalked it up to just being a teenager and hormones and normal rebellion acting out. Me personally I see it as something deeper. In the past few years I’ve always said to my husband that now is the time to get him evaluated and if need be medicated or treated or giving proper’s coping skills etc. because once he turns 18 there is literally nothing that we can make him do you’ll be an adult and that is it
Your husband is an idiot.
Your husband is an idiot. Pardon me for being so blunt. More than one professional has recommended an evaluation, and he won't do it. Wishing, hoping, hiding, and making excuses is hurting his son. He loves HIMSELF more than he loves his SON.
I get that mental health issues still carry a certain stigma. But dang, his son is obviously suffering. Recovery isn't as easy as swallowing a pill, but that pill can reset brain chemistry and maybe give your SS enough "good" days to do the rest of the work to be successful.
Your SS very well might turn to drugs/alcohol. Pretty common for undiagnosed/untreated mental health issues. Addiction is a far, far harder thing to treat.
Nearing 18 or 38, doesn't matter
If they live in your house......
This part may sound strange, my DH had a long term gf years ago who had dd, fast forword 24yrs. that dd moves back to town, stops in to let dh know( she avoids BM lives in another state, as much as she can) dh's former almost skid visits us housesits, even petsit for us, no issue with her. A few months is she shows up in tears and brused asking to rent our spare room. No way I'd turn anyone in that situation away, and at almost 38 she agreed to the rules.
#1 was easy, she already had a job. (she paid a nominal rent and help with food)
#2 if your not coming home for the night, call us before xxxpm
#3 Help with the house (she did way more than we'd ever expect)
#4 We don't want our phone ring at all hours( no cell service here! )
Plus she cooked without being asked or expected to, respect and consideration were a given and we all knew it. She was a joy to have, but we all knew it was TEMPORARY!!! A famous women once said "no matter your age, you live in your parent(s)/grandparent(s) home, they own the air you breath!" A good rule to teach them!
Lower your expectations so you won't be disappointed
and reduce your goal horizon with this kid.
College? Really?
I would focus just on getting him to his HS diploma in May/June. What worked for my SS-25 when he was pulling his version of this bullshit was loading him up for a short roadtrip to the homeless camp under the elevated interstate in Philly, dumping him out for a couple of hours of quality time with this potential new neighbors, then picking him up and explaining that we either watched him get his diploma on graduation day or we would be dropping him off with his new friends in the homeless camp with a new Walmart pup-tent, a sleeping bag, new heavy duty boots and a new coat and he would then be on his own.
That kid was scared shitless and busted his hump to graduate on time. Abject fear is a great motivator.
Give it a try. Once you get him off of the graduation stage with his diploma.... then start the life of abject misery stage, light the platform on fire, and he either burns or jumps. We did this with SS when he had finished HS with no intention to go to college, no intention to get a job, and basically expected to be a professional sofa rodeo rider on our sofa. Nope kid. Not happenin. So we turned him into our live in beck-&-call-boy/chore bitch and worked his ass off every day until he finally joined the USAF. He is an incredible young man of character, honor and integrity and we are very proud of him. But... it was a day to day thing there for a while on whether his mom and I would agree to strangle him. Lucky for him, though one or the other of us was always ready to choke him out, the other was not quit ready and willing to give him just one more day.
Good luck. Most of all.... have fun tormenting the Skid!