I'm so sorry things didn't go as planned. Why do they always seem to believe BM over Dad? When CS was being decided with DH - BM told them she pays 16.00 an hour for child care - when she doesn't pay a red cent - he stays free where she works. And of course they believed her. HUGS to you.

I know you are hurting, but DO NOT put that burden on that child. If he asks why he only gets 4 weeks a year, tell him that is what the judge said based on what BM presented in court. If SS doesn't like it, he can speak with his mother about it.

However, DO NOT put him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between his parents. Don't put him in a position where he feels like the only way he will be loved fully is if he fights. He is going to internalize that to think that he either fights for you, which fights against his mom, or he doesn't fight but loses his dad.

Grieve. Cry. Get counselling to deal with the loss. Hate BM with every fiber of your being. Vent, scream, punch pillows, throw something into a wall (so long as no one is in the way). What you went through SUCKS, and your DH is now in a very heartbreaking but familiar club of ATM Dads.

But do not. Do not. DO NOT. Place any of this loss, including financial loss, on your SS. It's not his responsibility to fight to see his dad. It's not his burden to feel like he just wasted $30k of dad's money. He is innocent in this, so please don't drag him through it all.

I'm glad that you're planning to be honest with the skiddo.  We had to have that conversation with SD after our last go-round in court.  She was waffly with the GAL because BM told her that she should tell the GAL that she wanted to do what BM wanted.  It was a situation of natural consequences.  When you don't stick up for yourself, you will be stuck doing whatever you're told.  And Dad can't fix it for you, when you hose it up, either.  

Since that time, SD comes over complaining about BM on the regular, and each time, we let her know that she needs to take that up with her mother, not us.  We help her figure out how to talk to Mom, but DH will not intervene on her behalf unless there's something on fire.  For example, if she wants more time with us, she'll need to work that out with her mother.  Awful, but she created the situation!

Do not put this on a 13 year old child. He is 13 and you’re basically going to tell him “You wasted our money and it’s your fault you don't get to come.”

Did he refuse to get on the stand or did BM refuse to let him. You said she didn’t bring him to court. Why didn’t your lawyer demand it? Where is the GAL? The child is old enough to be heard.

You can’t put him against his mother like this. You’re thinking of telling a 13 year old CHILD to stand up to his mother? Consider how that is going to go? Do you really think she’s going to care what he says?

I’m sorry but you guys are the adults and your job is to protect the child. What you’re thinking of doing is emotional abuse in my eyes. Given I understand your reasoning but it’s completely inappropriate and that’s why must custody orders even say what you’re thinking of doing is not allowed. 

Was he ordered to be there to talk to the judge? Did you have a chance to refute BM's lies?

I'm sorry your outcome wasn't at all what you hoped for.  

I would definitely not mention to SS how much it cost you to get 4 weeks with him - that's a burden he doesn't need to bear.  I DO think it's important for him to know that his dad fought for more time with him and did his best to be able to see his son as much as possible.  If he asked why the judge decided as he did, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him what BM testified.  If in fact SS had told BM all of those things (about not having friends, not liking your kids, etc.), I don't see anything wrong with giving a child of that age the facts so he can see the consequences of his actions.  If BM blatantly lied about those things, I think he's old enough to know that, too.  But I wouldn't tell him he needs to do something about it.  Maybe it's not fair to burden a kid with those facts, but I'd rather do that than have him think for a minute that his father didn't value time with him and didn't try his best to see him more.

that things turned out this way in court. Please remember that things can still change. Even if you do not put any more money into fighting, things can still change with time. When he's a little older, BM might change her mind and WANT him to live with you guys. You just never know. Step back, if you must, but don't give up hope. 

At the same time, he is too young to read court transcripts or be told that he has to tell BM what he wants. She refused to bring him to court, so the judge could not consult him, and will continue to do so whether the child tells BM he wants more time with his dad or not. It sets him up to feel that he has failed his dad if it doesn't work out. Too much pressure on a child. They eventually start seeing the truth when they come of age. 

Remember what they say, it is a long game. You may have lost one battle in a long fight, it does not mean that things cannot change. 

I think the child is old enough to be in court and state their own wishes. Its ashame that children have to be placed in this predicament and that the mother isnt trying to make this transition as smooth as possible. What an awful feeling to be placed in the middle like this. I pray that things work out in your favor in the near future. The kids always pay for the BS of a parent that just can't get over themselves.

It's too bad these judges can't see a snow job by the GUBM, but most of them can't.   The judge in our case believes everything that the Girhippo utters so I feel your pain.  Eventually SS may PAS out because the GUBM is poisoning the well, but that isn't anything you can control since the legal system is so messed up.

You and FDH will go through a mourning period but then will start to focus on your kids and be a family with or without SS.  It's too bad the system encourages this bullshit but eventually it may be best to drop the rope.  And yes, the children always pay the price for egocentric BMs (and in some cases bioDADs)

I absolutely would tell SS about what happened in court.  Children need to learn to have a voice and to stand up for themselves.  If a 13 year old went to court and told a judge he wants to spend the full summer with his dad, and his dad is a good and loving parent, there is NO reason a court wouldn't grant the child a summer with his NCP.  I would absolutely say, "Your SM and I spent $30,000 in the last few years trying to get more time with you because we love you so much.  We cannot fight to have you in our home for more than the 4 weeks granted by the judge unless YOU are willing to tell the judge, in an affadavit, that you want to spend more time with me.  Please remember that we love you very much and that as you get older, you get more say in where you spend your time.  I know it is hard to be a child of divorce and have parents fighting over you, but it must mean you are a pretty amazing kid since we both want to spend so much time with you!  Again, if you want to spend more time with me, please let me know and when you are here next time we will get an affadavit drafted with an attorney and file your wishes in court.  The ball is in your court."

When the child is older, and an adult with his own kids, he will look back and know that his father did the best he could and fought to have more time with him.  Hopefully that will be enough to heal the wounds that come from not having an active father in his life due to the choices of his mother.