Advice Please!
A month ago my 17 y/o stepson cussed everyone out in the house called us all names and threatened to hit me. I called the police and his father told him he was no longer allowed in the house when he wasn't present. The 17 y/o decided to move out, so my husband let him go. Fast forward to this past Saturday the 17 y/o wanted to come home. My husband laid out some ground rules. I told my husband I no longer was willing to help the 17 y/o out anymore after his atrocious behavior towards me and would he tell him to no longer contact me for anything. However last night the 17 y/o couldn't reach his father and texted and called me to get in touch with him. Am I wrong to tell my husband to please tell his son to not contact me for any reason? (As a side note, I have raised this boy since he was 4 years old).
I see two options.
I see two options.
Either block the boys number completely.
Or ignore the calls and text and just message your husband "thing is calling / texting me, please take care of it." Then leave it alone.
Your husband can tell him whatever he likes and the boy will still do whatever. Personally I would go with the second until it becomes a big issue then the first. I see this as the best way to keep the peace and support your partner.
Just hit delete
You already told DH you want no contacting just delete the text. As far as you are concerned it’s spam you can not let this kid move back into your home. It’s going to be two against you It’s not going to work don’t get pushed into it.
Didn't you already tell your
Didn't you already tell your husband to tell SS17 not to contact you? Did he do it? If he did, and SS17 still texted you, then what's the point of telling your DH again? If your DH didn't pass it on, what makes you think he will this time? Just block the kid's number.
It sounds like the boy had a
It sounds like the boy had a real breakdown before. Was that something that has been happening over time or was this an isolated occurance? I'm not saying that it's OK.. but if you have raised him since he was 4 then doing an abrupt about face on him... (even due to his poor behavior) could be really difficult to accept. I imagine plenty of bio children have said horrible things to their bio parents and have not been totally ostracised by those parents. Again, I am very clearly not telling you that his behavior was OK but I am wondering whether it can be forgiven and moved on from if he hasn't historically been a huge behavioral problem. Included in this assumption would be that he apologized for his behavior and that everyone has been able to analyze the situation to see how it went so far of the rails and how it can be prevented from happening in the future.
Now, if you see no way that this relationship with you can be mended then I think it would be appropriate to tell the boy that you prefer to have no contact (he may not have known what you told his dad). In that discussion or message it should be clearly laid out what caused this need for him to stop contacting you. That his actions have a consequence and one of the consequences is that you don't want to have contact with him going forward. He needs to contact his father directly and that you will not be a go between.
^^^ Totally agree. Raising
^^^ Totally agree. Raising him for 13 years isn't just something to turn off over a blow up. Have you guys sought counseling? Has he apologized?
No counseling and no apology.
No counseling and no apology. DH won't go to counseling and I discussed with my husband that kid owes everyone in the household an apology to which I got no response.
The kid's behavior has
The kid's behavior has deteriorated since he was 15 and was coming to a head. He refused to attend school, get a job or help out around the house. I found a residential program for troubled boys to put him in and he did well there and graduated. He came home and was good for a bit then slid back into his old ways. He just started being downright nasty to everyone. I have other kids to worry about and I'm not going to let this one kid stress me out.
Thank y'all for the advice. I
Thank y'all for the advice. I have already blocked the kid's number and decided to not say anything to my husband. I already told my husband I didn't want to be bothered by the kid once before and either my hubby or the kid didn't listen. The kid will eventually get the hint when the texts/calls continue to go unanswered. I figure my hubby will find out if the kid says something to him.
You have already given both
You have already given both DH and the 17yo the message. There is no need to say anything further. Stay the course.
I would also put a move out date of his 18th birthday on the wall so he and DH clearly understand that once he reaches the age of majority he is on his own.