SS coming to live with us because BM can't "handle him" anymore??
DH and I have been married for 9 years, SS is 10 and has never lived with us fill-time. When we lived in the same city as SS, we had him one afternoon a week and every weekend. Three years ago I was offered a position in a different state and was honestly TOO excited about getting the hell away from BM (and making more money). Since then, we spend one weekend a month with him and the other 3 weekends he is at my FIL's house.
Well, it seems that since we moved away, SS has become "uncontrollable." BM is forever complaining that SS doesn't mind her and he is doing terribly in school, he hates visiting with her family, she doesn't know what to do with him anymore, etc. When SS is with us and FIL, we don't really see this side of him; he has never disrespected or talked back to any of us. BM is constantly saying she wants to send SS to us, but when we start looking into school, etc., she changes her mind. Today FIL called me to say that BM once again told him that she wants SS to come live with us and she had the audacity to tell him that my DH is the one who doesn't want the responsibility of having SS live with us. I was LIVID. They're going to court soon to modify CS and DH, and I had already talked about possibly having SS come live with us and start middle school here and I guess after this it may be a real possibility. I am trying to be supportive, but I am terrified. SS and I have a pretty good relationship now, but I don't know about him living with us. When we had lived in the same city we didn't really get very close and I think our relationship was very up and down. On the one hand I want to do what's best for him, he's just a child and I don't think he is in the best environment, but on the other hand I am terrified about what him living with us will do to my relationship with him and my relationship with DH. We've never found him to be "uncontrollable," but it's not the same to spend one weekend a month with him than to live with him. If his own mother can't control him, what makes me think WE can? One half of me is looking forward to it and the other half wants to cry. If anyone has any advice, words of encouragement, WARNINGS, please share! Thanks.
Kid is out of control
Do you really think he is going to change ?? It’s going to be the death of your marriage. DH and SS against you
you are going to be miserable for the next twenty years
I don't know if he is going
I don't know if he is going to "change," I guess the deal is that he isn't that way with us. We only see him a few days a month though, so that could be the reason he isn't like that when we see him.
Don't do it!
I am now lumbered with my 2 skids after they ran away from crazy BM. As you say, having them for a weekend is very different than having them with you ALL THE TIME. We have had a nightmare with SD16, an absolute nightmare.
It reached a head the other day and I said to SD16 'you are literally taking the f**king pi$$ out of me now. I am removing myself politely from you, don't ask me for anything as the answer will be no. I will cook the meals for the family but that is where my responsibility for you begins and ends. Don't wash, don't brush your teeth, be disgusting because I no longer care. You ARE NOT my daughter so how you have turned out is no reflection on me'.
I am not usually this blunt but I swear to God, I have HAD IT with the little b1tch!
So, to summarise, my advice is to NOT let the skid move in permanently as SD has rocked this house to the core with her non-stop bs, nonsense and manipulations.
When we lived in the same
When we lived in the same city I tried the "not my kid not my problem" route, but it was only a weekend thing. If SS came to live with us, I don't know that I could remove myself from all responsibility since he is still so young (can't go by himself to school, etc.). I am DEFINITELY worried about the upcoming teenage years. If he is a problem to BM now, I can't imagine him in a few years time.
Why is CS being modified?
Why is CS being modified? Will BM really give CS up and be willing to become the payer? I don't think that is what BM really wants since she has retracted her statement that SS should live with you before. She wants to have the cake and eat it, too, if you ask me..
Why is SS with your FIL so often? BM works weekends?
Definitely possible.
There is nothing crazy BM's love more than the colour of DH's money.
CS is being modified because
CS is being modified because she wants more money. I have often mentioned to DH that I REALLY don't think she understands what it would be like if she gave up custody of SS, such as having to pay CS, having to rearrange her schedule to pick-up/drop-off SS for her visits (which is what we do now), etc. SS spends so much time with FIL because my FIL LOVES to have him and BM takes advantage of that. SS hates going to BM's mother's house, so when she works or has plans or whatever, she calls up my FIL and tells him that SS doesn't want to see her mother and she doesn't know what to do, she can't handle him, and FIL comes right over and picks him up. I honestly believe that if SS doesn't come live with us, at some point he will end up spending all day every day with my FIL and only going to BM's to sleep.
Well if she wants more money,
Well if she wants more money, giving SS up will not achieve that. Do you have text message or email proof that she says she can't handle SS, etc.? If you don't, she will deny it in court and if evidence isn't submitted prior, the judge or hearing officer probably won't even consider it.
We don't have any proof, so I
We don't have any proof, so I guess we'll have to see how that goes.
One weekend a month down from
One weekend a month down from every weekend Plus an afternoon a week is a big change. It's understandable that SS is a bit more of a brat.
How about a compromise - I understand that logistics might be difficult - but perhaps ya'll can swing an extra weekend a month? Maybe even two? Since FIL seems to spend so much time with SS, maybe FIL can be involved with the transportation?
Then see if the behavior changes....
DH is on-call three weekends
DH is on-call three weekends a month where he works, which is why we don't go more than once a month. We have had MIL and FIL bring SS to us on a few occasions, but it's a long drive and BM always complains that it's too hard for him and he is always tired the next day at school, so we don't really do that unless it's a three-day weekend. Maybe there is some way to arrange our schedules so we (or at least DH) can see him a little more, but I'm not sure exactly how yet -I'll have to think about that.
trial summer
Can you trial having him during the summer to see how well everyone will get along? Do some fun things for some bonding time and also set down some ground rules in advance so he knows what to expect and what he is supposed to do in your house? At 10 he can do some chores but if he doesn't do what he is supposed to what will the consequences be. you and your dh need to potentially think of everything that could come up and how you will handle it and be a united front. He may be angry if it looks like his mom is to the point of kicking him out. he might also be feeling rejection. He will most likely test the boundaries in your house which is why you and your dh will need to be united. Let dh be the actual disciplinarian otherwise you might become his target when he gets mad about any consequences. The flip side of all of this is that he may do completely fine at your house and it might be what he needs. The only other thing i can tell you is that if he gets in trouble, listen to what he is saying. ask questions, don't just tell him what he NEEDS to do or the way he NEEDS to act. Try to view things from a 10 year old's viewpoint. And keep in mind they have a whole other life going on at school with other social and emotional things happening there. I think if you and your dh are on the same page and get together a plan before he comes and stick to that plan as well as lay it out so ss understands it, you will be fine.
Thank you so much, I really
Thank you so much, I really like your idea. I would love to do a trial run, I think DH would have to talk to BM about it and see how that plays out. Whenever DH and I talk about having SS come live with us, I always tell him that if custody is going to change I need it in writing. I know it's a hassle, but I wouldn't put it past BM to change her mind three months in and I don't think SS should be hustled back and forth from one city to another and who knows if switching schools mid semester is doable, etc. It would be convenient to get it in writing now since they're going to court, but maybe there's a way to postpone or get a continuation or something until after summer to see how the new schedule works for everyone. We'll have to talk to the lawyer and see if there's anything we can do. Thanks for your suggestion, I hadn't thought about it but it sounds like a great idea!
My partners little one is
My partners little one is only 5 yet I already see the future that we get him full time for the same reason as you. The kid is "normal" with us. Sure he acts up some and we have our challenges but I wouldn't say we can't control him. On the other hand BM is already struggling. She doesn't know how to parent and can't set actual boundaries. They only time she acts is when he does something so extreme she has too or else. You know bites her best friends children or punches a peer in the face. Yep then BM's all for consequences. BUT she can't do it on her own and calls my partner screaming that he needs to fix his kid. Heaven forbid SO try to give her advice because "well I'm doing this alone".
I know sooner or later she will give up and ship him to us. She already leaves him at grandpa's for days on end so she doesn't have to deal with him and the man is starting to say no. She's babied him from day one and she'll have a monster on her hands soon enough.
My biggest pieces of advice are to make sure whatever agreement you have is well made. DO NOT leave from for her to come back in 3 months and demand the kid back. Expect things to get worse for a little bit and make a plan now on how to handle it. Any change will cause a child to feel unsure and as such their behavior gets worse.
Good luck I wish I had more but that's all I've collected so far.
Thank you, and I have been
Thank you, and I have been very clear with DH that if SS is going to be in our home we need to have EVERY LITTLE DETAIL in writing and signed by a judge. I guess we'll have to see if she is willing to do that, because if not there is no way that we can bring him into our home.
Thank you, and I have been
Thank you, and I have been very clear with DH that if SS is going to be in our home we need to have EVERY LITTLE DETAIL in writing and signed by a judge. I guess we'll have to see if she is willing to do that, because if not there is no way that we can bring him into our home.
DH. Need a new Job
Your DH can not be the primary care giver with work hours all over the place!! He needs to get a 9 to 5. Five day a week job. So he can parent his child. What going to happen is DH is going to work more and more and leave you with the mess. If you going to be responsible for this child and you punish him, He is punish. DH can not change the punishment or you will have no power and will be a joke.
personally I would not allow this to happen. BM screwed this kid up, she should handle it. BM should know she is going to pay CS
I have spoken to DH about
I have spoken to DH about getting another job, but he is a veterinarian and any hospital would require him to have some flexibility/be on-call for emergencies. I am OK with him having to be flexible on that end, honestly it is only once a month or so that he is actually called in but he does have to be available.
I think you and DH have to
I think you and DH have to sit down and set some firm parameters before this child moves in if it happens. Basically, if he wants you to be 1/2 of the parenting team, then you both together need to set what rules, curfews and punishments the boy will need to have. You should not be just this kid’s babysitter, housemaid and chauffeur. You should have a say in all aspects of the boy’s stay there and no matter what, DH has to support you even if he disagrees with how you handle things if he’s not around. If the boy mouths off to you and you take his phone for a month, then it’s gone for a month. Then you both sit down with Ss10 and give him the rules and dad makes sure he understands that he will not tolerate any disrespect towards you.
the biggest problem in stepparenting is the lack of support towards the step by the bioparents, IMO. So if DH cannot support you and your concerns, this move should not happen.
just out of curiosity, have you discussed who stays home with ss10 if he gets sick? Who’s job gets sacrificed?
We have not discussed that,
We have not discussed that, and I was actually just thinking about it because he stayed home from school sick today. There are a lot of things we need still need to discuss. It was a long road, but DH does back me up whenever things like that happen, and he has always made it clear to SS that while he is in our care he has to respect both of our decisions. Obviously, it's not the same to mind me when he only sees me a few days a month, but I am hopeful that that wouldn't be a problem for us. Although who knows what the reality will be.
If he’s already disrespecting
If he’s already disrespecting his mother, then he may try it with you to see what he can get away with and then keep pushing it. That’s why it’s so important that DH backs you up every time. He will teach his son by his example that you are an important part of the family and you must be respected