New relationship with live at home adult step-daughter in the mix
Hi,
This is my first time posting, so please excuse that I don't know all the acronyms used around here.
I'm a divorced 49 year old male, with no children. I had a prior marriage of 20+ years and am trying to build a new relationship with a beautiful new woman (let's call her Jose) who has been divorced for six years.
Jose has two adult daughters (let's call them Sally and Ann), both in their early twenties
Sally, the elder daughter, does not live in the house with Jose, but Ann does.
When the relationship commenced between myself and Jose both Sally and Ann had no immediate objection to our relationship, and Sally continues to be unconcerned about it.
Ann on the other hand has been using some fairly transparent tactics to exclude me from the relationship in small but noticeable ways. Things came to a head when Jose posted on facebook that she was in a relationship with me. The news was received with delight by many people. However on seeing this post Ann told her mum that she should have cleared it with her ex Husband first.
This was very troubling to me that Ann had so much power over her mother since frankly it isn't any of her business and it certainly isn't the business of her ex who Jose dates after six years being divorced.
I've talked to Jose about it and I'm getting mixed messages. On the one hand she says she sees that there is a problem, that it is her life and will fix it, but on the other hand it isn't being fixed.
I got quite upset about it all the other day when Jose and I came home a little tipsy and Ann stormed out of her room in the house and announced that she was sick of this shit and was going to go and stay with a neighbors daughter. I snapped at Ann and was a bit mean in all honesty. Ann the same day had just dumped her boyfriend of two years and I felt she had no right to tell Jose or myself how to act. In fact I had to check myself and asked my ex what she thought and she told me in her opinion I was right.
Today there is a birthday party for the girl down the street that Ann stormed off to stay with. I was supposed to be invited with Jose, but now because of the prior incident both a line and a wedge have been created.
I talked to Jose about what we should do and Jose said it would be better if she went to the party on her own, and I agree it is probably for the best. At the same time, I can't help feeling like Ann has done a number on me and forced Jose to choose between me and her.
There are more small things of lesser consequence, but the point is that I just see this situation escalating.
I've never been with someone with stepchildren before, let alone an adult step-child who lives with their parent.
I can see it is hurting Ann, as well as Jose and myself and it is becoming an issue. So now Jose and I are having arguments and I can only see this escalating unless something is done.
Anyone any ideas please, I'm pretty sad about it...
thanks!
The fact that Jose thought it
The fact that Jose thought it best to go to the party without you, says a lot. Your relationship is not a priority to her.
Ann stormed out of her room in the house and announced that she was sick of this shit
Well then, Ann, being an adult, should certainly move out on her own, especially if she can't keep her nose out of her mother's business.
on seeing this post Ann told her mum that she should have cleared it with her ex Husband first
Seriously, this is just ridiculous and it's obvious that Ann still sees her parents as a couple. Your girlfriend is going to have to set her daughter straight or your relationship does not have a chance. And I mean, set her straight with action, not just words. One action should be taking you to the party, as planned.
You have an Ann problem, yes,
You have an Ann problem, yes, but you have a bigger Josie problem. Are you a committed couple, or not? If so, she needs to make sure her daughter knows that and respects you as a partner. Ann doesn't have to like you, doesn't have to approve of the relationship, but it's none of her business. Nor is it any of Josie's ex's business--that is just weird.
And I agree with the others -- go to the party as planned and do not be held hostage to a childish tantrum.
Read some on this site and you will see that stepparents have endured mistreatment from their partner's children for years. Decades. Some marriages have ended because of a partner's unwillingness to be a real partner and allow the adult children to come between. Some of our partners have stepped up and have become good partners, insisting that their adult children show some respect. Get a grip on this now, or your future will not be a happy one with Josie.
I agree with much of what
I agree with much of what prevoius posters have advised but wanted to ask one thing. Did I read correctly that you asked YOUR ex for validation of your point of view regarding your argument with Jose and Ann? Just as your relationship with Jose isn't her ex's business, neither is it the business of your ex. If that is what you did the I think that was a mistake on your part and disloyal to Jose.
I felt a sudden dash of
I felt a sudden dash of sadness when I read your post.
Here we go again ....... two adults, who both care for each other, trying to build a life together, after the crash of a divorce. Then we have the adult baby, who refuses to let go and see their divorced parent happy and having someone in their life. I remember well, this is how it starts, small but noticable actions to either exclude the step parent, or to let them know, he or she is not welcomed. This is the beginning and you are right ..... it will escalate! The more your partner allows her to get away with it, the more she will lay on.
My advice to you, is to stay strong, talk to your partner, tell her how you feel and let her know that you will not tolerate adult baby's behaviour. Do not do what I did. I kept on pampering to SS needs, I tried my best for him to like me. Meanwhile DH kept his head in the sand and SS kept on rolling his bad behaviour at me. Eventually I had enough, I disengaged and things has not been so rosy. DH head is now out of the sand, but in all honesty, so much was done by both DH and SS. I refuse to have any contact with SS.
Do not let it go that far. Have a stern talk with your partner and let her know her actions are needed. If she buries her head in the sand, you will need to decided whether or not you are prepared to continue with this relationship. Have a read through this site, it would give you an excellent idea on what is to come. The fact that your partner decided to go to the party, tells me that her relationship with her daugther has preference. I might be wrong!
Inkspot...now is the time
EXACTLY what There is a Light said...exactly.
Much of it happens subtle but builds up. I would never have believed how bad it would continue to get while my spouse kept his head in the sand, didn’t deal with SD head-on straight up.
The road gets real bumpy, you will question yourself, try harder...be shit on more until you literally question yourself. It affects everyone and everything around you. All of this and meanwhile your relationship with your spouse deteriorates. If she gets it at some point and deals with it later as opposed to sooner a lot of damage is done and the hurt caused never goes completely away. Save yourself a ton of grief if there is not an immediate improvement in your SO behavior with her daughter walk away to help yourself.
At some point she will have to deal with her daughter whether it is with you or someone else...nobody can live that way and it will not resolve on its own. Her life will be one bad relationship after another.
Of course it will escalate
Listen to the others here. Go to the party. Staying home just gives SD the power she craves and ensures that this nonsense will continue to escalate. Nip this in the bud or you will be squandering time, energy, emotion and probably your return.
what can you do?
so really, until jose starts to try to fix some of this, there is nothing you can do. all you can do is maybe apologize to the daughter for what you said that came out harsh. you can only take responsibility for your actions and you can only change you. No one else will change or adjust unless they want to . It's a little concerning that jose didn't stay home with you. She should ultimately have your back as you should have hers. Also a 20 year old acting like sd is acting is very immature. And it may be that she was lashing out at everyone because she broke up with her b/f.
Ann is making it quite clear
Ann is making it quite clear how she feels; Jose, not so much. Jose is your problem and the one you have to read because only she can set her daughter straight. Jose doesn't want to get her hands dirty, so she'll let you be the bad guy. She wants to go to the party and be the perfect mum, but leave you sitting at home like an invisible chump.
You said Jose hasn't stepped up to handle it, so I'd recommend telling her she must deal with Ann to your satisfaction or don't waste your time on this relationship. It will be tempting to ignore the Ann problem because Jose is soooooo great, but don't do it or you'll spend half your life on this site complaining about your relationship.
Trust me, I ignored the signs and it has been hell.
Ann isn't acting this way merely because she broke up with a boyfriend. She's not happy that her mum has moved on and she would have been this way regardless of her own situation. Good luck. You deserve better.
You and Jose are equity life
You and Jose are equity life partners. That makes the relationship and each other the only top priority. Minor children are the top relationship responsibility but never the top priority. Adult children????... don't matter to the relationship at all. And if they do... they shouldn't. They get no say, toxic crap from them is not to be tolerated and if they are not pleasant then they are confronted just like any other toxic adult.
Time for Ann to launch and it will likely be up to you to create a burning platform that forces the issue.
First... never fail to accompany your fair lady to any and all events. Be at her side, radiate your happiness and do not let a toxic prior relationship crotch nugget deter you from being with your lady... or her with you. Cockroaches scurry for a dark corner when a light is thrown on in a roach filled room. Be the light. Beem your happiness, confidence, and the affection that you have for Jose. Ann will scurry like the roach that she is.
Don't give her the choice of not having to tolerate your participation in Jose's life. Make it her only choice to do the roach scurry shuffle... or suck it up. If she is being a snarky bi-otch then rub her nose in it in a calm, cutting but direct manner each and every time she pulls toxic crap. Confront her crap immediately when she pulls it. Preferably in public where you can highlight her toxic behavioral sputum.
Script some responses to her most likely behaviors and roll them out as necessary.
If she scowles are the neighbor's B-day party ask her publically if she is feeling well and if you can get her some Pepto Bismol.
If she gets obtuse at the home that you share with her mother.... inform her that she is not a child and her crap will not be tolerated so grow up.
etc, etc, etc.......
Good luck and enjoy your new love and adventure with Jose.
And ... welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.