Husband moved into the basement
yesterday things got really heated two massive fights this weekend and I told I can’t deal with all the BS anymore. BM calls him almost every day asking for things we just moved into a new house. If some of you didn’t read my last post I was arguing with my husband about SDs hygiene she started spying on our conversation and I got pissed. Because we all know stepchildren go back and tell their mother everything. Sunday another fight and I went out for the day. I came home to find my in laws and my mother at the house. My husband was ripping me a new asshole to my in laws probably telling them how much at hate his daughter. Then they were all talking about how depressed I am. The truth is I am. Me and my children have been playing second fiddle to BM and SD for years. I think it’s enough to make anyone depressed. A part of me wants to fix it and not divorce but I just don’t think anything will change my husband is selfish and his priorities are in the wrong place.
This is the problem many a
This is the problem many a time when some people try to claim “mom and dad can just be friends.” Yes, mom and dad can just be friends, but ONLY if BM gets it, to the point of almost going out of her way to make sure that SM, yes SM, is treated as DH’s wife whenever BM is around.
I just love the way that most, including counselors, act like it is somehow SMs fault for not “accepting” that her husband and his ex- are still buddies. No. That is not the problem. The problem is that usually, about yeah% of the time, mom and dad being buddies means that SM is supposed to sit on the sidelines and defer to ex- whenever BM and BM/ SKs, are around. That is the problem. For the most part, this is not SM being jealous or not getting it, etc. This is BM, SKs, and even DH sometimes, going out of their way to make sure SM is excluded whenever the ol’ family is around.
When SM is around her DH, in particular, she wants to be in an environment where she can feel and be treated as what she is—her husband’s spouse. She doesn’t want to feel unwanted or like sloppy seconds, or like she has to defer to another women when it comes to her own husband. No woman would want this, and no one should be expecting this from any married woman.
So, yes, mom and dad can still be buddies and hang out together, but only if they BOTH go out of their way to make SM feel included. Because, believe me, it will not happen naturally. AND, if SM, DH’s wife, smells a rat or just simply doesn’t want her husband hanging around his ex-, that is all it should take. No married woman HAS TO look the other way while her husband is hanging out with another woman. Doesn’t matter if it is BM or not. When it comes to marriage, the priority is husband and wife. The priority is not husband and -ex, regardless.
Mom and dad are mom and dad for life, but once they divorce, they are no longer a couple for life. They chose to give that up. SM didn’t force that on ‘em. Yes, she married a man knowing he had children, but she also married her DH assuming that she would be his wife, his only wife, and his #1 wife. And, it is possible for all involved to separate out mom and dad actions/ functions from husband and wife actions/ functions. But, this has to come from ALL, and rarely is this the case.
OP, if you have multiple family members ganging up on you, going after you, implying it is all your fault, you are depressed, and so on, google or bing the term Chronic PTSD. Here is even a link that someone else posted. This may explain it all for you, or at least some of it. Try to see your situation for what it really is and see a counselor for yourself so you can healthily make whatever decisions you need to make, and take care of YOU. Link: https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd/
Quote from above site: "For
Quote from above site: "For those who are older, being at the complete control of another person (often unable to meet their most basic needs without them), coupled with no foreseeable end in sight, can break down the psyche, the survivor's sense of self, and affect them on this deeper level."
This is rediculous!
NOBODY! Can tell you what you will or will not accept in your marriage. Your in-laws, not even your own mother, can tell you what you should accept!
Honestly, how freaking dare they?
Please tell me at least your mother stood up for You?
Yea all my mother said was my
Yea all my mother said was my daughter isn’t happy. Truth is I forgot how to be happy. I made a mistake I fell in love with my husband and I tried really hard to make him happy and it blew up in my face. He wants to be a man and bring home a paycheck while I parent all three of the children. There’s too much of a double standard too much manipulation and no privacy. I couldn’t cut it I feel like I failed.
Sounds to me...
like HE is the one that failed. Not you. You REALLY need to start looking at job prospects and child support calculators.
I'm not suprised that you are
I'm not suprised that you are depressed and heck I hate your SD (not really but unity !!!! ) Your DH needs to check himself laying all blame on one person in any group of two or more is irrational and down right stupid. Plus I agree with Fireball, dirty laundry need not be aired to the family, sounds like he was trying to muster the troops to his side. Personally it sounds like he needs a major attitude adjustment.
It’s not the first time he’s
It’s not the first time he’s aired our dirty laundry. He’s aired to BM as well and I think he’s going to run to her again. He’s always told her things that were none of her business. He told me recently that he talks to BM more than he talks to me. Because she calls him constantly for favors. My days are very busy with my kids, errands and my work outs that sometimes I don’t have time to speak to him till he gets home, but BM has plenty of time to call him for anything and everything. This situation is sickening.
No parent has the right to marry someone else being THAT . . .
The reality is no mom or dad has any right to be marrying someone else if they are still THAT involved/ enmeshed with their ex-. It just is not right nor fair to ANYONE. If they are going to be THAT involved, then why didn't they stay married? Kids are going to see mom and dad acting like husband and wife but technically not being husband and wife. Kids also know that dad, in this case, is "supposedly" involved w/ someone else. The kids will clearly be confused and, at least, start to see you as some sort of vastly inferior wife who is nothing but in the way. And, same with the in-laws. This is what is happening here with you. To top it off, they blame YOU for all of this you-not-fitting-in bit when THEY are the very ones who created and caused it, particularly your DH.
Personally, I wouldn't advise anyone to get involved with divorced parents who still seem so chummy. Cordial, yes. Chummy, no. I read a statistic back when that stated that close to half of all bio-parents continue to have sex after a divorce. Now, this stmt. did not say whether or not mom or dad had since remarried, but it is one to always keep in mind for anyone dating a divorced man or woman. I even heard some claim that even tho. you may be involved with others, to have sex with your ex- isn't really cheating because you had sex with 'em prior to the divorce? What the H-?? It just shows you the way some try to manipulate their divorce into having their cake and eating it too. I'm not saying most divorced parents are this way, because I don't think they are. But, yes, some are.
He should not be airing your dirty laundry to anyone. Of course, anyone he does this to will take HIS side. They are related or connected to him. They are not related or connected to you. All he is doing is making you, his own SO, out to be public enemy #1. He sounds like an insecure, selfish man, who needs his mamma/ ex- to empower him. I know you are busy, but try to see a counselor (or even a lawyer) on your own to see what your options are. I'm sure you want to be on equal footing with your DH, and not just some family's be.atch.
Wow, I never knew that was a THING
sex with the ex. Boy howdy Idvilen, can I relate to that! It still bothers me to this day, 4 years later exactly, that not a month before SO and I decided to "make things oficially monogamous and together", that he had sex with the ex. For the entire 1 1/2 years we were friends, he never mentioned it, probably because I would have been upset. in fact, 2 months after we "got together" she sent him a scathing text mentioning something about his c@ck in her mouth, just recently, and he showed me the text insisting that it wasnt recent it was a few months "before us". To make me feel better. Right. I just thought, "ewe" (shes grossly over weight and just gross in general) you actually went BACK to THAT, more than once, after you had moved her out?
Well apparently she (before us) would somehow weasel her way back into the house they had once shared, and get inebriated so she couldnt drive home so she would crash "somwhere"... that just did not make sense to me. Many times BU (before us) I would playfully invite myself over, and SO would say, " no because Psycho B!tch is still "coming around", and might show up unplanned and it will not go well. Little did I know he was far from "Pshycho Extrication" when he and I met. Luckily he divorced 1 1/2 year s into our relationship (I would have definitely LEFT, and probably should not have gotten involved in the first place. Hindsight, right?)
OP - if your husband and BM are THAT enmeshed as you have documented, you need to figure out exit strategy and survival strategy. Apparently our husband is still married to BM, and you are plaything, baby caretaker, and helping continue his precious bloodline, as brood mare. Sorry so blunt! But I read your blogs, and the story just continues getting worse and worse, not at all better!!!!!!!
Im so sorry you are going throught this!
I stuck with it, the divorce was painful but quick, and my SO is wonderful and loving, we are getting closer and closer, with many things ahead. Things are howthey should be (for now, right?), but many challenges lie ahead. From what I read, your marriage is sham. Something useful to him only. Your tired, because you are living with a sociopathic narcissist.
Keep us posted!
Nobody
wants there SO talking to there EX like that. And contact witty EX should be about the kids and only the kids. It should be short and to the point. We know there is feeling with the EX. That is why only little contact is acceptable. Like everyone is saying if they are so much in love with EX. thryb should of stayed married