My SKs ruined my relationship
Had a total of five children, 3 mine, 2 hers. Probably the old story, they wanted their parents back together. They always did nothing around the house, never offered anything, started conversations, nothing. This devolved into active passive-aggressively, and leaving me out of things. Referring to things being done, only with their mother as having done it, that sort of thing.
Bringing friends over, but not introducing them, or their friends saying goodbye and thanks when they left. Except to their mum.
Currrently separated, not sure if this is resolvable. At the end, they felt so entitled, it seemed like it was their house. I tried to play peacemaker, and always made an effort to talk to them. It just got so stressful towards the end.
Just wonder if anyone can relate, I feel so broken and alone right now. Living away from home ATM, feel lost. There is more to the story, just wanted to reach out.
(My first post, so sorry if I have left anything out, or done it incorrectly)
Your story sounds like many
Your story sounds like many on here. I brought in one and moved in with his and his two. His two did everything they could to make it miserable for me and mine. We eventually moved out. Still seeing him but no longer parenting the skids. Not sure how long this arrangement will last. I need to move in with my life.
Very sad, thank you for
Very sad, thank you for replying. I just found it to be so toxic. I couldn't breathe some days, and it made my blood pressure go up.
I never knew how bad it could be, I had the naive thought that people would get along. Hell no!
Living apart might be a blessing
Sorry to hear that yet another pair of snots succeeded in getting their way!
But since you are now living away from them you have time to selfcare and set your priorities how you see fit.
How about right now harnessing the power of spending time alone? Sounds insensitive but please read:
A. It will give you both space to deal with your own children.
B. The time spent alone will help focus you in the direction you want to take your life. If during your time alone you miss your wife and realize you want to rekindle then do. If not then thats ok too. Time spent with yourself is valuable!
C. It allows you to draw your own natural ly proactive boundaries instead of continually reacting to negative stimuli in the environment. A criteria i always use: would I be doing this if I was alone? Would I do it for a friend? Who would I give up this time/activity/ boundary for?
I hope it works out for you.
Yes, pair of snots. I like
Yes, pair of snots. I like that. It describes them precisely! They won, and probably know that. Why would they care, their lives will go on. I hope it happens to them at some point, but it probably won't.
I like the idea of harnessing the power, although I am not quite sure what I should do, although I will think about your options they are really great. It has been over a decade, and I am still getting used to being on my own.
Yes, my boundaries got trodden on. I tried hard to discuss it with her at the time, but she refused to do anything about them. It was only after I left that she went and got some counselling to deal with how she was with her children. I am not sure what that will achieve, but I know it was driven by guilt over leaving their father, and the effect she thought it had on them.
I enjoyed your insight, thank you very much.
Sadly, your SO is the one who
Sadly, your SO is the one who is ruining the relationship. She is letting them run her life.
You are right, and she has
You are right, and she has realised that now we are separated. She is getting counselling for it, but I don't think it will make any changes to the established dynamics. How do you undo a situation like that? We get back together, and they stop doing what they were doing? I am thinking that won't happen.
They won't stop, she would
They won't just stop, she would have to be strong enough to stand up to them. Set some boundaries, tell them no, demand some respect, etc. In my 6 years on this site, a turn around like that rarely happens. Not to say that it doesn't or can't, but it takes a lot of work and she has to be prepared for the fall out. Her kids are not going to like any changes in the dynamic.
She is a strong person
She is a strong person sometimes, just not with them. She gives in immediately. Since then, she has spoken to them, and asked them if they wanted to be treated like children, or like adults. They said adults, but I will wait and see how that manifests itself.
I rather thought this would
I rather thought this would be the case, which is a shame, because we have a good relationship between us. I sort of came to the feeling that this was going to be unsalvageable. A bit sad really, and that is how I feel about it all. She is not a good boundary setter, but has mentioned this as part of her counselling. I cannot see her taking any fallout from them, they are very, very good at manipulating her. She has spoken to them about this as well. From what I know of them, they won't like it at all, and will hang on to this marriage like grim death. Clawing away at it.
When theX and I set up home
When theX and I set up home together- we thought we had it made. We never fell out, had a great home, went on lots of holidays etc together. Nine years down the line we have almost sold the lovely house and facing life apart. It is a crazy situation but in the end he could not say no to his adult/infant kids, ever, for any reason. He admitted they would always be his priority- where do you go from there?
It is very sad, but I am re-making my life and he is facing his retirement alone and constantly falling over for his entitled offspring. I am sad for him, but happy for me. We could never have reconciled.
Wow, so it is pretty common
Wow, so it is pretty common then. I hadn't realised this until I started researching it. The children seem to have an awful lot of power in stepfamilies. With the parents too scared to upset them.
My partner has also said that they are her priority, what does that actually mean for you as partners? Can someone tell me? To me, it seems to say, if the shit ever hit the fan, I would choose them over you.
I am glad you are re-making your life, and it sounds like you have made some positive moves for yourself.
The saddest thing about your
The saddest thing about your story is that healthy people who raise healthy children have no idea that there is this other world out there. So many people quit parenting after a divorce to be a friend to their children or to "win" against the ex. They want to be mom or dad.. but don't want to parent. This creates such chaos in children and young adults until along comes unsuspecting you (healthy person with healthy kids) beleiving the fairy tale. Don't allow your stepkids to define you. Chin up. They are emotionally unhealthy people (wife included who won't correct the behavior) and the fact that their behavior shocked you speaks to your healhty starting point. Listen to your gut because it sounds like you have a good instinct.
I don't let them define me,
I don't let them define me, but they seem to think they have an awful amount of power, and they are prepared to misuse it.
I am just amazed that it gets so toxic, if I had known this beforehand, I would never have got into it in the first place.
It is unhealthy, very much so. I am trying to lift my spirits, but it is pretty tough to do right now. I feel kinda lost.
Sorry
This is really sad because you have wound up as a innocent victim in this scenario. I sincerely hope for your DW and for the sake of her 'children' that she takes her therapy seriously and begins to view her 'children' as the adults they really are. Enabling children does not help them to become self reliant, socially stable adults. But eventually your DW will learn this, whether you are with her or not. This is HER journey - not yours, nor has it ever been yours.
So, while your DW is working on herself, work on you. Right now you need to be gentle and kind to yourself. Possibly go to counseling. Make YOU your top priority. Do something special - just for you every day. Build yourself up, emotionally and spiritually. Once you are at the point where you value yourself as much as you do everyone else then you will see that you have the right to live in an environment of mutual respect - and nothing less. You are worth more than this!
I hope the therapy works also
I hope the therapy works also, for her sake mostly. I am not sure this damage is undoable TBH, and I cannot see how things can change enough that it would be able to carry on. I know it is her journey, it is just frustrating to watch.
Thanks for the ideas you have given me, to do for me. Hard to separate out, and actually think of myself for once. I am so used to not doing that. I really enjoyed the last couple of sentences, thank you.
This is all on the spouse who
This is all on the spouse who allows this to go on. Nobody has worse skids than my DH's two sons (although the older one is now deceased). But although my DH asked me to try to accept his son (I never met the older one), he has never asked me to accept the unacceptable. I tried. SS blew it. Done.
I don't give a darn what my DH SAYS to his son. All I care about is that I never have to lay eyes on the SOB. My life plans do not get altered by SS33. He's just irrelevant to me. And my DH does not make even the tiniest effort to get me to do anything differently. He loves his son very much, but he loves his life with me more.
If he values his time with
If he values his time with you more, and you have set up your limits, then you are in a good position.
I don't seem to have that value, and she refuses to set her own limits, so I had to set mine. (and leave)
Oz, I am sorry to read things
Oz, I am sorry to read things are so hard for you right now. This group helped me so much, I'll share this with you: stop waiting for your partner to set or adhere to boundaries, or for the stepkids to ever treat you well. Won't happen. YOU determine what you need and how you want to live and inform your partner of YOUR boundaries. Disengage from the stepkids entirely. You are presenting yourself to being mistreated, and if it was going to improve it would have done. She can see them on her own, outside of your home. They make you feel too hurt and unwell and bullied. You deserve a home without those things in it. Don't ask for it. Say it's what you need. She can work out how to make that happen. You need your home sanctuary. She can see them elsewhere. You need your date nights with her and time as a couple. Claim it. She can tend to the kiddos at other times. Or, it's the end and you're done.
Hello! Thank you so much for
Hello! Thank you so much for your kind post, I have turned to this group, as I needed some support. This is a really difficult time in my life, and I feel so betrayed after giving of myself for so many years. I am coming to understand that it may not be possible for my wife to maintain any boundaries. She has told me that she has spoken to them, and has told them that it cannot go on this way anymore. She has also asked the younger one (in her twenties), to find somewhere to live with her boyfriend. I am not holding my breath, waiting for this to happen. I have disengaged from them, and have not heard or spoken to them for some time now. It is a blessed relief, I can tell you. I felt like my home wasn't mine anymore. That is a horrible way to live, and I hated it. I have told her what I need, and I am also a believer in actions not words. I was so stressed, I couldn't go on anymore, that is no way to live. Thank you again.
I am so sorry for your pain.
I am so sorry for your pain. It is indescribable, I've been where you are right now. Just set boundaries for yourself and stay with them. Give yourself time to decide "what you want", then work at making it happen. I've been married 38 years and my SD has hated me the entire 38 years; she has attempted to destroy our relationship from before we were married. Not happening!
It will never change with wishing it were different. You have to make it change. You have already taken the steps to correct the problem, just think about one step at a time and set an end goal, for yourself. It takes time, pain, and patience. I still go thru it now and then; I began 8 years ago and all hell broke out 4 years ago. We are together, and doing much better. The lines of communication are wide open now, for us. I set boundaries for myself and I won't budge from them. DH is welcome to his grown kids, but I don't want anything to do with SD57 and he doesn't ask me to put up with her any longer.
My SD and SGD34 (mother/daughter) will never stop the drama and hate, but I have walked away from them and will never turn back. Disengagement for me is bliss; but it came with pain, and still has it's times. You cannot change the facts, you just learn to work around them. Put yourself first and develop a life for you. I did this and it includes my DH, but not my skids. DH is on his own with his kids, it don't include me, not even a thought, action, or worry. All of the negative issues never changes it, just go positive for yourself.
((((hugs))))
Thank you! I am so sorry to
Thank you! I am so sorry to read your story, I cannot imagine taking that for so long, how did you do it? My own trouble started when they became teenagers, so around 10 years all up I guess. I knew it would never change while I was there, and had to take drastic action. Very difficult, and painful. I would never have imagined it would end up like this, if I had, I would never have entered into this relationship. They knew what they were doing, and were spoiled and taken care of by their mother, who denied them nothing. She has said she has realised this was wrong now, but it cannot take away the pain I endured for years.
What a big nightmare.
Never go back, if she says
Never go back, if she says she's sorry; give it time for you to set your own boundaries and to think everything through thoroughly. It is so easy to go back and make up and then it returns to the usual. That said, be open for solving the problems, without putting yourself back into the same ole', same ole'.
My marriage is very different. It is not what I expected in my retirement years. My DH is now totally disabled and I will care for him forever. SD57 does not even visit now, except for 3-4 times a year, for less than an hour each visit. She tells DH it's because I make her uncomfortable. She doesn't want to care for her Dad or give him some peace in his senior years. I stay out of it for sure. Their problem.
There you go, it's all my fault. I just don't care and I love my DH. So I've made a big change in my marriage by setting boundaries for myself and standing by my man. SD57 is never discussed and DH is welcome to carry on any relationship he wants with his grown kids, and grandkids. He doesn't ask me to be involved.
Hang in there!
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