"Would you have put up with this craptastic behavior if you were still married to BioHo?"

That is exactly what I said to DH and his response was "NO". At which point he FINALLY realized that being a Disney Dad is a crock of shite and he started parenting again. Not saying it was a complete 180, but it was the beginning of things improving.

When you’re a parent and you re-partner, you have to accommodate your new partner... that means change and explain all those unhealthy habits you let slide when you were single.

Yep, you have to have a conversation with your child. Imagine that. 

Your child chooses where to eat all the time? Chooses weekend activities? Rides shotgun? Sleeps in your bed? Eats like a savage in front of the TV? 

It’s up to you, out of respect for your partner and yourself, to establish a healthy adult-led environment that forms the basis for a family.  Kids will go along with pretty much anything if you lay out the new rules and enforce them.  Your new partner, however, will go along with the status quo for a short time, then they’ll eventually go off on you because no self-respecting adult wants to be subjected to the whims of a child. 

1. When SM makes a comment about your kid's behavior, it's just that, a comment, it's not an attack on your kid, idiot.

2. SMs get to have feelings about how they are treated.

3. SM's are NOT doormats for you and your devil spawn to walk all over, make demands, and feel entitled to their time and energy. 

4. SM is in a relationship with you, not your kids. 

5. Guess what, your kids likely think of their mom's house as HOME. Your house is just a vacation home away from their real house. Accept it and quit being disney dad. BM doesn't have to be disney mom and skids love her unconditionally you idiot.

Why on god's green earth would you think that I want to hear your ex wife name? Let alone be your shoulder to cry on when she does something to bother you or make you angry.

Do you think it's attractive hearing about another woman who has her man tripping all over himself and winding him up? The two of you have been fighting over this kid for a decade and you both remind me of dumb and dumber- seriously- it's unattractive and I don't want to have sex with you when you mention your kid or ex wife.

I don't want to hear stories about your daughter as a baby or how you and your ex wife chose her name- it makes me sick.

you cut your attractiveness down but at least 70% everytime you mention the kid or your ex wife.

Love all of these and have thought and wanted to say many of them over the years. 

Right now...the stage of life we're at...for me it would be: 

- Quit putting our business success or failure in terms of how it will impact the skids. (i.e. If we fail, the skids will feel so sad and hopeless; if we're able to pull this off, the skids will feel like great things are possible...etc.) I don't give a flying f*** how our success or failure makes the skids feel. I did NOT go into debt and subsidize your passion career in order to lift the skids' spirits and give them life purpose. Also. The skids are 18-21. They literally have all of their earning years ahead of them and are the grandchildren of two extremely wealthy sets of grandparents who will be leaving them money...most likely before they're 30. I'm the only one who has everything riding on this. ME. I'm the one who has kept my earning potential curtailed by working part-time so I could provide free labor to help make this happen for you. ME. I'm the one who subsidized you and the skids while you were building this business. Again...ME. If it doesn't work, the skids will still be more than fine. I'm the one who will have to be there with you to clean it up and choose a different course. So...once again...I couldn't care less how the outcome will affect your precious babies. Quit trying to manipulate me with that idea...it won't work and it makes me furious. 

I don't think I will ever love my SKs...the only reason that I see it as a bad thing is because my SO is way older than me so I do not want to burden him by having kids with me AND I don't even want any really. It is most likely that he will pass on before I do so I feel like I will be left completely alone without any family after that happens. I don't care to love the SKs but I feel like we need to form a family bond of some sort. Im closer to age to his kids than I am to him *kiss2*

I just can't do it and I really dont care to. I havent told him but I know it will hurt him...

- My DH needs to let go of the idea that we will ever be a “normal” family. We won’t...ever. We’ll figure out some way of being that will be family-like, but we will never be a single family unit - always different units linked together - and that’s ok.

- My DH needs to stop feeling guilty about his divorce. He made a poor choice marrying BM and an even poorer choice having kids with her, but the divorce was good for him and also good for SSs because they get to see some normalcy now because my relationship with DH is much more normal than anything BM will ever have. Also, my SSs have more friends with divorced parents than friends with still-married parents, so it’s not as if they are the only ones they know with divorced parents.

- My DH needs to work on resolving his issues with his mother and family. He doesn’t need to have it out with them, but he needs to work on himself, so he won’t get caught up in their dysfunction. None of them have moved on from his divorce and that is really unfortunate, but that doesn’t mean he has to cater to their whims or ingratiate himself to them simply because they feel angry or insulted or slighted or as if their family name has been sullied because DH got a divorce. If they were worried about that, they should have stepped in before he got married to someone who from all accounts was terrible to him from the start (DH’s best friend tried to talk him out of getting married on his wedding day because he thought BM was so awful to DH). DH is so concerned about what they’ll all think if he does X, Y, or Z and so concerned that they think he’s a terrible father. I told him if they really think that, they are a-holes and their opinions shouldn’t matter.

To my husband:

1) I am not a monster, and being called a monster every day does not make it better. I cannot have a relationship with your son because you will not allow me to do this on my own terms. You want it on your terms, and I am not you. Your son relates to his mother differently than he does to you (both horrible in my opinion, but you two seem ok with these ways, but not each other's), so why is it wrong for me to want to find my own way? By not letting me do that, by not letting me make him interact with me more quietly, more calmly, and more intelligently than you or his mother require, you made it impossible for me to have any relationship with him, and he and I grow to dislike each other more each day.

I will never be the person playing hard physical boy games, and it is ok. I think your son would like science as much as my kids do. Why do you not allow me to answer his questions with real facts? All kids like this because it makes them feel smart. Why do you not allow me to teach him to speak Italian? He liked it until you made me stop teaching him. Why do you say it is stupid when I try to read him books alongside my kids? He liked the books until you said that. I am not a bad parent because I do not play with my kids' toys with them. My kids love me for all I have taught them, our many jokes that we tell, the books we read together, the places I take them to visit, and more. I am not a rambunctious playful parent, but I am a good parent. I wish you would let your son experience that. Let him speak Italian with me, visit the museum, eat at restaurants with new foods and no playground, read long books with no pictures, and see that he would like some of it, probably most of it. My kids like that you are different to me. You have made your own relationship with them because of who you are, and I am proud of you for that. Why am I not allowed to do this also? Do you not like who I am?

2) The other reason I cannot love your son is that you do not allow me to make any boundaries. I do not want any children in our bedroom, not yours, not mine, not the neighbors, not my neice, none, no kids allowed. That room is for us, not them. When you allow your son to come in and spend hours in there, watching movies, playing games, leaving toys and food on our bed, I feel violated. Space away from your son is not something I want. It is something I need. This does not make me a bad person. I understand when you need space from my kids. I ask you to understand I need the same.

3) Please acknowledge your bias. You judge my kids harshly sometimes and you allow stepson to be awful and think it is funny. You are lenient with him because he is yours. You say you are completely objective, but you are not. No one is. Please stop thinking you are an exception. I tell you how I have started to step back when your son does something that makes me angry, and ask myself, "How would I feel if my kid did this?" because often it is different to how I feel when stepson does it. I acknowledge my bias. I want you to do the same thing. When you say, "I don't have to do that because I am not a monster like you." all I hear is, "I am immature and cannot acknowledge my biases."

4) I need to be allowed to talk to people honestly about my life. That is how most women cope with things, in my family anyway. This is hard for me and many times, I need my mother, so I call her, and we talk about it. She is wise and can give me some advice, or sometimes I feel better just to talk about when I feel overwhelmed. You say I should talk to you about everything that is about you and stepson, but I cannot. You become angry and only tell me that I am wrong all of the time. No one is wrong all of the time. So yes, I talk about you and stepson to my mother, sometimes my sisters, sometimes my aunts, and I need this. Please stop getting angry and demanding I not call my mother anymore when you figure out I said something about you or stepson you do not agree with. 

Also, I wish you would make a friend or two, other dads that you can meet for a beer sometimes, and talk with about your struggles, hear what they do with similar situations, and just feel you are not alone. I cannot always be the support you need. Please make friends. It would make all of this easier if you had someone besides me to talk to when things are difficult.

5) The opinions of people on the internet about your son do not outweigh mine. They have never met him. He is in my home half the time, and for years. If I think he is not cute for something, three comments on a photo on Instagram from people who were not there do not mean I am wrong.

6) I agree with your ex-wife more than you know. You are not the primary parent. You have never been. You are a Disney Dad. You do not have to be this way, but you choose to. She is the primary parent. She always has been. She is not trying to be difficult most of the time. She is trying to parent, and going through many of the same things I am with my kids. It is a wonder you do not see this. Your son is not extra awful for her because she is incompetent. He is awful for her because she is the primary parent and that is where he feels safe to let out his worst side after being at school all day. The fact that he is slightly less awful with us is not a testament to your parenting skills, but to the fact that he knows his mother's house is home (as he should). I disagree with her parenting a lot, but it is clear she is doing her best, and I hate when you criticize her for it because you look like a jerk.

I hate when you try to get extra days out of the custody order and call the police on her when you are in the wrong. You do not look like a concerned dad. You look like an abusive stalker. That is why the police never do what you want them to do.You are not paying too much child support. I would not be happy to receive the amount she receives either and when she tries modification, although I will not say this, I will understand why.

7) When you say things like, "All I want is to spend time with my son. That is all I care about." I feel completely rejected and this is why I mostly check out. You say, "You knew he was first." but that does not mean that I should be expected to stand back whenever he wants anything, or that I should be ok with never being a priority. You want a lot from me and to return little. I wish you would acknowledge that what you are asking of me is difficult, and that I need a reason to do this. I ask little. I want only to be your priority when it is time. No phone calls or SMS from the ex when we are on a date. No facetime with your son on the way there. When I am talking and he interrupts me, tell him to wait. Sometimes, show me I am a priority, and I can do this. Do not show me I am a priority, and I do not know if I can.

• I love you, but that does not automatically mean that I have to love your child unconditionally, too. So please stop making a deal when I don't tell your son that I love him.
• I have every right to be frustrated and express that to you. I hold my tongue when in front of your son...when it's just us, I'd like to be able to be open without fearing that you'll take something the wrong way.
• Your son is going to be a mini-BM. He spends almost 80% of his time with her. I'm sorry if that bothers you because you can't stand her, but you made the decision to lay with her...now you need to accept this reality.
• Speaking of BM, I do not like hearing her name, or seeing that one picture that you have up. I understand that you only have the picture up for SS to see when he's here...but can we please take that down when he isn't around? It's just another reminder to me that you already started your family before me (and even worse, that you started it with someone as terrible as BM). I don't want to see her cold, dark eyes looking at me while I'm in my own house.
• I will always have feelings about you already being a father, and that BM is now in our lives forever. I wish that you and I could start a family together and that be the only family we needed to think about.
• I wish you backed me up a lot more around SS. He walks all over me, and does whatever he pleases...and he knows he will get away with it. He has blatantly called me stupid or made me feel bad about myself while you were in earshot...and all you've said was, "SS, stop talking". No, I need you to stop being disney dad and step up and let him know that it isn't ok
• If/when we have a child together, I am not going to let SS's behavior fly. I see how he treats adults...he will not be allowed to hold or be alone with our kid. He is too rough and violent, and frankly, I wouldn't want my child to act like he does
• I will happily watch SS for 5 minutes while you go down the road to pick something up...but I will not be incharge of watching him for an extended time. If you're going somewhere for a while, SS is going with you too.
• I wish you recognized and showed appreciation for what I do for SS. I stepped into this role and never felt like all that I've done for him was recognized by you. A simple, "thank you" would be great.

Here's what I wish my DH's MOTHER would understand.

1.  Kids are a lot more flexible and forgiving than she realises.  They will not DIE... if the two girls share a room... or change schools etc...

2.  It's ok if my rules are different than your rules.  In Grannie's house everyone can raid the fridge and the pantry with no questions or permission.  In my house, I expected the girls to ask if they could have a snack or drink because I thought it was important to make sure they didn't fill up on junk..or eat too soon before dinner.. or eat something that was being saved for another use.. my lunch tomorrow for example.  We were NOT denying them food.. just wanted to keep tabs on it.

3.  I do care about your grandkids but they DO complicate my life.  I don't have kids of my own and no they don't replace the fact that I never had kids of my own and you don't understand that it is not the same for them or for me.

4.  Because your son has worked for himself and had some setbacks like his health issues... that means that a lot of what we have is soley based on MY ability to pay for things.  I am not able to buy the girls everything you think they should have.. new cars at 16 etc.. making them pay for things on their own has actually made them more self sufficient.

The centre of the universe does not revolve around your child. As far as children go, she is below average. Manipulative, lazy, attention seeking and all together too much. This is not her fault, between you and your ex, you have created a monster.

You do not need to buy her everything I buy my daughter. They might be the same age but they are not the same child. You do not have to sign her up to every club my daughter does. Stop competing. I need space away from her, so does my daughter.

Contribute. Contribute time, contribute love, contribute money. Not just when your daughter is here, but when she is not. By letting guilt prevent you from doing anything without her, we do nothing as a family. Yes, I want us to be a family when she's not there too.

I let your daughter get away with murder. Don't get angry when I finally tell her to flush the loo, or wash her hands, or wipe the sink after brushing her teeth, or stop misbehaving. I have corrected my daughter's behaviour 50 times before I correct yours. Just because she breaks down in tears and acts like I've broken her, does not mean I'm evil. It's not fair to my daughter that her belongings are stolen and broken, that your daughter lies about it repeatedly and that when she finally tells the truth there are no consequences. I do not agree with multiple servings of food, or sweets. Yes I am disciplined. No I do not agree with my daughter watching movies rated above her age. I care about her health and wellbeing. Your daughter is obese and has night terrors. Yes, I used the word obese. 

If we weren't together, our children would not be friends. If my daughter behaved like yours, you wouldn't have lasted five years. 

I would never make you choose, but if you don't start making an effort with my daughter, or realising why I dread your daughter coming to stay, we will not last much longer.

I should never have invested so much time trying to help you fix your relationship with your daughter and your ex. I regret it every single day.

I do have one for my DH too.

Even though I care about your girls, there is still a part of me that wishes that they didn't exist and that there wasn't a physical tie to your EX.  Of course, you can't really verbalize that because it would be hurtful... but kids (even adults) do make your life different.

"You're the adult" means I should handle things like an adult, not ignore them and pretend like the problems don't exist.

You're used to everyone around you telling you how "sweet" and "cute" your daughter is. I don't think her rudeness, bossiness, and poor attitude are cute or sweet at all. 

Just because I haven't had a kid, doesn't mean I don't have a say in how you raise yours. I was a kid, I've been around plenty of kids, you're not an expert either.

DH, you are so unattractive to me when:

• You speak to your adult kids with a lover's tone of voice.
• You hold your grown daughter's hand while you are holding mine. Notice I let go. Think of it as an analogy for our life together. 

Just because we are dating doesn’t mean I’m your kid’s free babysitter/nanny. Even if we get married, if I have something else to do on one of my few days off from work it is your responsibility to find someone to watch, entertain, pick up, your kid. You decided to have a child, not me. If I decide to help out with your child that is my choosing but I have the right to say no if I cannot, or do not want to, do so.