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OT - Men and their '"caves"

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Fri, 07/20/2018 - 4:52pm

I remember vaguely reading somewhere that men and women see quality time much differently. To a woman quality time - is spending time interacting with one another - connecting. To a man, quality time - is time spent with a loved one in their vacinity being happy. I will admit to using this to my advantage - want SO's attention quickly - leave the house. He could be puttering downstairs all day long, but I pull out of the driveway and all of the sudden I've hit his radar. Chances are he's calling me before I hit the corner. I wonder if it's instinctive - loved ones in the "Cave" means all is good.

I also wonder if this is some of the differences we see here ... Daddy wanting skids for visitation but don't interact with them, Daddy wanting kids at thier home with SM even though they are working all day, etc. As long as skids are in the "cave" all is good. 

Comments

TwoOfUs's picture

Submitted by TwoOfUs on Fri, 07/20/2018 - 5:39pm

That’s a really interesting observation, and I think there’s likely a lot of truth to it. 

My DH would often lament that he “didn’t get to see his kids grow up each morning” or that he missed “knowing they were under his roof”

And I was just like...so? Who cares if they’re here if they’re just sleeping and then I’m the one taking care of them while you go away? 

To him, just having them in the home meant a lot...whether or not he was even there. 

Meanwhile, if I felt overwhelmed by having him there...he’d be all like: “Why does  it matter? They’re old enough to do XYZ for themselves. It’s not like anything is expected of you...” etc. 

(Of course...things were most certainly expected of me. But above and beyond that, I had trouble explaining to him that I can’t have people in my home and NOT interact with them...even if it’s supposedly not expected...) 

but yes. Like your DH he can spend all day puttering about in the basement and then wonder where I am the moment I leave. Happened just yesterday, in fact. Hadn’t really interacted all day...I went for a walk before dinner and within two minutes a text: “Where did you go?” 

elkclan's picture

Submitted by elkclan on Sat, 07/21/2018 - 8:53am

My SO does actually do QUALITY quality time and feels guilty if we're in the same place but he has 'ignored' me. Meh. For example, he has a new virtual reality headset and he and my son have been playing with it. I'm really happy they're spending good time together - so I don't care, I entertain myself. 

However, he does also say he feels sooo much more at ease when his kids are 'under his roof', so yes, he's like some of the other dads here in that way. But he never, ever dumps his kids on me. Sometimes I do watch them for him, and sometimes I will take one so he can spend time with the other, but he does so as much or more for my son, so it just feels like the compromise and cooperation that busy families do. 

Areyou's picture

Submitted by Areyou on Sat, 07/21/2018 - 8:55am

DH is a lot like this. He likes having his kids and wife in one house even if we aren’t interacting. I think it’s normal.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Sat, 07/21/2018 - 12:39pm

I think you've hit on something here. In intact families, kids are there, dads there, moms there, everyone is doing their thing. There's no plan, you're all just home.

Maybe we need more of that. Maybe planning something for the skids to do whenever they are there is part of the problem. I'm not saying that you don't need to have some fun times, we all need to play more, but I wonder if just letting everyone do their own thing in the same space isn't good enough.