Update: BM and DH conversation
Well, I guess I'm just an idiot. Apparently BM read SD's texts to me and told DH that SD was saying things to me that she didn't say. Do I need to confront SD, BM, or just leave it alone?
- I love dogs's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Let DH and BM handle it. You
Let DH and BM handle it. You can confront SD when she comes over next and tell her to NOT lie to you in the future. Then disengage from her.
I don't understand it. She
I don't understand it. She lies about the dumbest things! Like when I told her to change her shorts that had a paint stain on the butt. She went into her room and came out in the same ones then tried telling me that she has 2 identical pairs. I told her that I'm not stupid and she was wearing the same dirty ones.
SD is being constantly put in
SD is being constantly put in the middle. Kids often learn to be liars and manipulators and cause drama when they are repeatedly put in the middle of adult issues. She is learning to lie to get a reaction from you all.
What reaction and why?
What reaction and why?
How to raise manipulators 101
Adults are getting mad or happy or give SD attention she wants. Deep inside kids like to please adults. Kids also like to pin adults against each other. Also dad isn’t doing any active parenting. So for him to get all involved he needs to be all riled up against BM hence SD facilitates all this drama. That’s kids 101. So don’t put her in the middle, dont make her pass messages back and forth, don’t speak poorly of each other and don’t assign adult tasks to her
Got it. But I don't think it
Got it. But I don't think it's "kid 101" to create conflict between adults. I never did that as a kid so what gives?
I'm sure you tried but your
I'm sure you tried but your parents shut it down.
Neither DH or BM shut it down. They encourage it by using SD to communicate and by allowing SD to dictate her own schedule, and apparently her own healthcare. They treat her like an adult, and she doesn't have the mental capacity to ACT like an adult. Ergo, conflict.
You know all of this already. Why do you keep asking for advice or opinions when you get told the same thing over and over again?
It’s “kid 101” for kids who
It’s “kid 101” for kids who are being raised by immature adults who put kids in the middle of their drama. She is learning from adults. She creates conflicts because she sees how you all thrive on conflicts and she is being dragged into it
There was no drama until BM
There was no drama until BM said SD was lying about her. All I told SD was that antibiotics don't work when you take them whenever and only vocalized what BM said here on ST, not in real life. SD does need to see a doctor and that's the truth. That's all I told her and that I ordered a refill on her amoxicillin.
Not talking about that one
Not talking about that one incident. There is alwats back and forth messages and drama between all involved.
So you think SD lies because
So you think SD lies because she's put in the middle so why not?
Partially. She also lies
Partially. She also lies because she doesn't have the mental capacity to make adult decisions, yet she is expected to have adult answers to adult questions.
So why would she say BM told
So why would she say BM told her to not listen to my advice? BM claims she didn't say that.. Someone is lying now.
She said it because she lies
She said it because she lies and twists the truth. She had done it you so why is it so hard to believe that she is doing it to her mother?
I always thought she was BM's
I always thought she was BM's minion but I guess she just plays sides to her benefit.
Because she knows she forgot
Because she knows she forgot her meds but doesn't want to get in trouble? She knows you were right about the meds and she was wrong, but she doesn't want to look like she is the wrong one? Blaming BM deflects responsibility off SD (responsibility that shouldn't have been solely on her shoulders to begin with), which means she doesn't get yelled at by anyone AND it means someone will jump to make her feel better.
Well I'm sure BM yelled at
Well I'm sure BM yelled at her after reading her messages if BM isn't lying. I just really don't remember being like this in middle school but my parents weren't divorced and coparented very well.
It’s been discussed many
It’s been discussed many times why SD behaves this way. It’s nothing to do with parents being divorced. My DD isn’t like this and she has divorced parents.
Your SD is surrounded by immature adults who thrive on conflict and drama. That’s why she is this way. There is also a history of substance abuse ( getting drunk and high) on all sides. Children raised in such environment prone to lying/manipulating etc That’s how they are raised. It’s irrelevant that other kids aren’t this way. They live in a different environment
Why are you always asking same questions like you don’t understand what’s being repeatedly told?
Don't respond to anything.
Don't respond to anything. Let them hear crickets. If you reinforce their attention seeking behaviors, they will continue to drum up drama. I ghost them, all they hear are crickets.
This! One you react,
This! One you react, positive, negative, or in between you're engaged and obviously you end up upset. My SD14 loves drama and hates everything and once I learned to disengage from her and let DH handle EVERYTHING (I don't buy sanitary supplies, shampoo, food, clothing, anything or get invovled if she has a medical issue at all) I was happier. It's hard, I get it. You want the kid to be happy and well adjusted but it ain't gonna happen at this point. Both parents are against you, as is the SD. Disengage. You need to and have been advised to many, many, many times. From those who have done it, listen. It works.
It is so hard. I'm naturally
It is so hard. I'm naturally a doer and nurturer so stepping back is very difficult for me. DH never made the "chore chart" that he suggested for SD, by the way. It's going to be a long 6 years before SD is out of our house and I don't know how I'm supposed to 100% for my baby and nothing for SD when I disengage. DH isn't bothered by things she does like I am.
I get it - I am a 'do-er' as
I get it - I am a 'do-er' as well. Of course he didn't do the chore chart! I think I told you he wouldn't. My DH didn't like my charts, only after SD14(then10) complained it was 'too hard' to do things like brush her teeth or put her dirty clothes into the hamper at night. Then he said HE'D do them and nothing. So that's when I gave up the idea of chores and just started throwing crap away or giving stuff to charity if left out.
As for disengating from one and not the other I have never fully disengaged from SD12. She's a different person and so long as she contintues to be herself; cleans up, has actual hygiene practices, doesn't cry when discussing hard things or correcting her, etc. I'll continue to be engaged with her for the most part (other than those things like education or special engagements or things I don't manage). I've told DH straight up that I don't waste my time with unappreciated, mean people but I'll help anyone who appreciates it.
I have such mixed feelings
I have such mixed feelings because I've known SD since she was barely 5 and our relationship was almost perfect until a year or two ago. Now I don't know when or what lies she tells BM and GBM and I guess I need to protect myself and baby above all. On the other hand, she has seemed excited about baby and urges me to eat and not overexert myself. I'm so confused!
I care for her very much but the drama has to stop. I know I need to step back but I'm so used to being involved that I don't know how at this point. No matter how much she upsets me, I still want her to be a good person and involved when baby comes. I know I'll never love her like my own but I can try to as close as possible and hope she appreciates it later on in life.
You do it in steps. I could
You do it in steps. I could not disengage as much as I am now at the start.
Pick ONE thing you will not engage on. Maybe that's planning something for everyone to do (my first disengagement step). Maybe it's ok if nothing is planned. If DH asks, then no, nothing is planned.
Or, don't pick up after SD. If it's left out after a certain time period then it goes away. Don't ask more than 1 time and don't worry about it. After 24 hours of dirty socks or dirty cups in the living room and EVERYONE walking by them multiple times and you are the only one to pick them up, then they go away - it's been left to your discretion.
Or maybe you show her how to do the laundry - I did this with both SDs when we got the new washer / dryer. I posted instructions on the inside of the cabinets. I helped both of them a couple times and let them know when I wouldn't help any longer. And I didn't. No clean clothes? Then do your laundry. I did not engage with DH on this, I just did it.
Start small, make that successful, then add another. Disengagement with SD12 has been minimal and she's picked up the slack. SD14 and DH foundered, but that's on them.
I don’t believe you need to
I don’t believe you need to do nothing for SD. Of course if you cook dinner you feed everyone. I don’t condone neglecting a child. You just need to stop engaging with BM. Stop talking to her or about her. And let DH take care of major decisions. If he can’t parent, SD needs to stay with BM full time. She shouldn’t be in your house half the time if he isn’t parenting
I've told him this but he
I've told him this but he insists she "needs" to be with us for equal influence. I really just think SD being here is a vacation from BM, SF, and the other kids that they're always looking after.
Then your DH "needs" to
Then your DH "needs" to parent.
He gets offended when I
He gets offended when I suggest he is anything but a dad who is trying his best and I've told him multiple times in the last few weeks that his work life is affecting our home life but he's the breadwinner and can't really step back until my job turns into full time. He depends on me to help with SD and I always have but with all of this preteen drama, I am mentally exhausted.
I really wish you'd take the
I really wish you'd take the blinders off and stop excusing your DH for parenting mistakes he clearly makes. Especially now that you are saying you intend to leave a newborn with him while you work evenings once baby is born.
This whole episode of who lied, who said what, SD not taking/finishing meds blah blah blah , could have be easily prevented if your DH had just simply did his f-ing Dad parenting job. If exchange is Monday before or during camp (meaning Dad takes kid Monday morning to either BM's or camp), the kid should have taken a dose of her meds Monday morning in your kitchen, at your sink, then packed her meds and washed, dried med applicator in the bag with her meds and off her and Dad went.
Telling kid to rinse her applicator and bag the meds and being sure she has them (not only because she is suppose to take it at camp but also because she is then going to BM's for her week at BM's). Nothing hard and/or extreme putting out of himself. Jut simple parenting with parental supervision.
Once kid and meds were both on their way to camp or BM's last Monday morning, then , and only then were his parental responsibility done.
If you keep insisting you want to support and help, well fine, but then it also becomes on you that Dad needs you to hold his hand and physically come into the kitchen and walk him and his daughter through the process and wave them out the door.
If BM indeed picks up the meds today n begins this afternoon with doses, the meds need to come to your home on exchange this next Monday (either before or after camp) and you need to see to it she takes each dose, clean applicator, puts meds in fridge and continues to do so finally being completely through this new set of ten days.
It's your DH's 'job' this one is solely his kid, but if he won't and you have this hardship of disengaging , then do it for him. Doesn't matter if you believe SD is or should be able to do it herself. She's proven herself incapable.
If the meds are not given to Dad Monday when he picks the kid up from camp (or morning swing by by BM), then you make sure Dad drives down the road the few blocks and knocks at BM's door and gets the meds. If you think it might be necessary, make him text BM Monday reminding BM to send SD's meds to camp.
This isn't hard. Between the two of you (you and Dad) you can handle this. Between now and Monday when you get SD back, BM is on her own.