Am I being petty? The clothes game again
So last week I baught all of us( Dh skids and myself) some nice outfits to wear to an event. While at store I also bought Ss6 some hiking shoes( nice name brand and he loves them). I had discussed prior to this that these clothes and shoes stay at our house bc the BMs play the " clothes game". They send skids over in the nastiest clothes/shoes and expect us to launder or buy new clothes. Then those new clothes are either never seen again or given to other children in the BMs families. This game repeats every weekend.
So BM2(SS6 mom) was at the event. Saw him in the nice clothes+ brand new hiking shoes and nicely volunteered to take him home with her. Gone are the clothes and shoes.
I asked my husband that he text BM2 to pick up the shoes( we go hiking every weekend pretty much) and drop off the nasty purple sandals he came in for the last year or so. I did not ask for the dress clothes back just the shoes.
Dh is very reluctant to text. Im not sure why since he agreed to keep all the clothes we buy at our house. I feel I am already compromising by buying clothes and letting them go into BMs pit.
I have asked him three times to text her bc I want to go hiking this weekend. He keeps delaying. I am very annoyed right now.
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Tell him if he won't do it
Tell him if he won't do it that you will.
Eff it...im texting her today!
Yes I will text her off his phone today. Only bc Im mad.( i shouldn't have to. He should on his own bc he agreed with me prior ...ugh!)
If the cash for the items had
If the cash for the items had come from my personal 'spending' money , I'd definitely be bold enough to text and tell BM that I had purchased the shoes specifically for the hiking outing and they happened to merely do the double roll for the dressier event just attended. I expect the shoes returned for the intended upcoming outing. No ifs, buts, or nos, just have them at the door at _____ o'clock as we are swinging by to reclaim the shoes.
Are you the one with the kids who like to run around half naked anyway? If so, I doubt the new clothing has much use at BM's house. It's up to you whether you want those back or not, but again, if it was your personal cash that you specifically purchased so the kids look decent when you take them somewhere on Dad's time, I'd probably want those back also. Why would I want to go buy it all again the next time I were to be taking kids out and didn't want them to go looking like roadkill?
On the other hand, if the items were purchased out of Dad's personal 'spending' money, meh, if he wants to blow all his pocket money on handing BM's house freebies , fine. Just don't he be holding his hand out eyeing your wallet when he runs short.
If the items came out of joint account or takes away from your household budget, I'd be cutting his 'free' cash and raising his share of household expenses. If the man has so much cash to spare that he's handing out outfits and shoes for each new upcoming event, he obviously has too much 'free/spending' cash in his pocket.
I am a believer that what is bought for one home's usage should be kept in and for that home. That's not to say I'd have a problem with occasionally helping a bit extra during times like back to school clothes ( in addition to regular CS) or items you know you'll just get use out of once in your home (so why not share if the other house might get a time or two of usage also before outgrown) .
In your house, it sounds more like your DH is too chicken sh*t to confront BM and call her on her crap. BM will continue to do what she pleases per shoes and clothes (and anything else) until your DH speaks up and stops it.
Agreed...chicken doodoo
Yes I think he'd much rather shell out the cash(something DMIL drilled into him...see my other post) than risk stepping on BM toes.( irrational fear bc BM1 could care less and BM2 will be high conflict anyway).
And I do agree maybe they will need the clothes for another occasion. I would not mind the shoes except that we hike and they dont.
The BMs however use any good clothes for their other kids or let the kids ruin the clothes by being neglectful. Also they do not ASK but feel entitled to $$$/anything that DH provides above the CS.
Money came out of shared funds. but I spent the time shopping and preparing all of us for this event.
At my behest DH always asks if anything is needed around special times such as back to school or special events such as dances. Bms always answer no but continue with this game.
Yep, get those boots back.
Yep, get those boots back. The clothes, too, while you're at it.
I don't see why your husband has a problem getting them back, especially if SS does not need hiking boots at BM's. The more your husband dances around BM, the more she will take advantage.
I guess the next time you go somewhere and BM2 will be there, have his old stuff in the car so he can change into them when she offers to take him home with her.
We did not let stuff that we bought my SD go to BM's, either.
Update
Boots are on BM porch eeady to be picked up. The ugly purple nasty sandals are going back.
I reminded dh this morning that i want to go hiking and HE texted(!!!)
Nice work.
Nice work.
Its always a problem with High Conflict BM
In our situation, we have an income inequality, whereby its two of us, and one of her so we have more in the way of time and resources. Ever since Munchkin SD12 was young, its been awkward for her to manage her "there and here" clothing inventory. Many times, its because we are in a house with washing machine/dryer, and BM is in an apartment with coin operated situation. And many times its just laziness on her part. If we need somethig specific, we have to go through the entire rigamarol, and text and ask, and plan. Its tiring!
And just recently, BM's sister has moved into the apartment into te=he second bedroom, and now munchkin has been relegated to the couch for sleeping, and living room, for her living. At our house she has her own room and loads of space, furnishings, etc. What she typically does, is during school year, we buy ALL back to school stuf. And then when there are no clothes, she is dropped off early, because BM works early, and in the opposite direction of school, and Munchkin just gets dressed at our house for school. So that sort of takes care of the "there and here".
Great job sorting all that out! Happy hiking! I was planning on doing some hiking and camping this summer, but financially it didnt pan out. ANd we all just got so lazy. Its not too late, as the weather will be improving.
That's a big win. You get the
That's a big win. You get the hiking shoes back AND DH sees that he can request such a thing of BM without WWIII erupting.
Glad your getting your things
Glad your getting your things returned.
PS. Thank God they were not
PS. Thank God they were not thrown in the trash.
Our stuff was.
Omg...she threw it out?
Im so sorry she threw your stuff out! Thats so nasty!
One way to help combat this
One way to help combat this is to be up front about the clothes. I noticed BM was purposely ruining the nice clothes I sent him with or keeping the name brand stuff she wanted to parade him around in while he was with her while sending him back in bum clothes so I pointed out the game to DH. I showed him how much it was costing us to replace these items and how often it was happening because men don't seem to grasp the pettiness level some of these bms would go to and chalk it up to just coincidence. Once I showed him how much it was costing him to buy SS a replacement wardrobe, he started getting on top of making SS change before heading with BM. My suggestion to you is to:
1. Show your DH how much it is costing him to replace these things constantly
2. Point out how often BM is keeping the clothes
3. Keep an extra outfit in the car so that when he does get to run off with BM, you can quickly get him to swap shoes/clothes before he leaves.....it will then become obviously to BM that you have caught on to her games and she will get nothing else out of you that you'd bother about.
Nope, not petty
BM never sends SSs with anything when they come to our house, so we end up buying them new clothes all the time. We’ve gotten shoes for them two years in a row (this was after BM threatened to demand more CS if DH did not buy back to school clothes). The shoes we buy usually show up once or twice again and then disappear. This year, each child has come in 3-4 different pairs. I’ve never seen the shoes we purchased worn again. When I asked SS - “what happened to those shoes we bought for you?” He said, “they didn’t fit anymore.” And I said, “they are the same size as the ones you have on.” I don’t know if they were lost, if BM destroyed them or if something else happened, but I’m not getting any shoes this year. Clearly, BM can afford to get shoes, since they always come in new pairs, and clearly they don’t need the shoes we buy.
We’ve also gotten them nice clothes to wear to events since DH thinks BM dresses them like slobs. Before we were married, DH wanted to have a picture taken with Santa (he may have actually been doing this after BM demanded he do it). I went to Marshall’s and picked out two nice collared shirts. BM saw the picture and told DH to be sure to send the “colored” shirts with them when he dropped off SSs. I pointed out to him that *I* purchased those and was not willing to send them to her house.
BM also loved to claim we had clothes from her house at our house, only to find them later in her piles of laundry.
After one such demanding text with the supposed list of items of hers that we had “taken” from her, DH texted and said he wanted her to return the nice sweatshirts he had purchased a year before for SSs. BM’s retort “those don’t even fit them anymore!” About six months later, we got copies of the school pictures and what was one SS wearing - the nice sweatshirt that supposedly didn’t fit him. At least he was wearing it, I suppose.
BM1 always complains
Last night dh dropped ss12 at home. BM2 texts something aboit his clothes are dirty and smell like smoke. DH did not reply as they we 're the same clothes she had sent him in on friday( in the same condition she had sent them in lol)
When she didnt get response she wanted( the shelling out of money) she decided to text Dh that ss12 is worried about our marrriage(he overheard us fight about some things ). DH did not reply and will not explain anything to ss12 at my behest.(I am suspecting some PAS has gone on from BM1 with the help of DMIL but am unsure about how to prove it)
So I would say she is high conflict lol
Petty?
Petty would be having a BM who does her best to return items like hiking boots or play equipment with the child when it is time to use them but SM/BD refusing to let the item go with the child.
It is not petty to ask for the item back if it is needed for an event/outing. Heck it's not even petty to ask for the item to come with the child even if the BM bought it herself.
She is extremely messy
BM always sends the kid over in these dirty outfits. Sometimes he is dirty and doused in fragrance. A lot of times it looks like he has not bathed for days.
As for how messy she is lets just say that i have seen the disgusting mess with my own eyes in her previous abode.