Vacation with stepchild
My mother wants to plan a trip with me, husband my two kids her and her husband. I told it’s going to be problem because he’s going to want SD to come. She and I both don’t want her to come for many reasons. My mother is paying for the trip and doesn’t want to pay for her she also doesn’t want to be responsible for her if my husband and i want to go off for a few hours on our own. My reasons are similar but also for me it’s BM and her behavior. I don’t want to hear from on our vacation and I don’t want to have full responsibility of my kids while SD get jealous and tries to hog all the attention plus no one is there to care for which means no time for me and my husband. With all these reasons I don’t want to go at all. It just causes too much bullshit and drama just to go on vacation. If we actually did go without her I’d get evil looks from my in laws and fights with BM about what a horrible father my husband is. I don’t want to my children to miss out on anything but I’m sorry being in this type of marriage sucks. My husband thinks the reason I don’t plan vacations is because I’m depressed lol no I don’t plan vacations because I’m in a blended family and it’s too much drama and stress. Anyone go through this?
Well... honestly if DH has a
Well... honestly if DH has a problem with SD coming, maybe SD and DH can just spend that time at home together. If your mom is paying and the extra child is a burden, than it is what it is.
I mean if that’s the case and
I mean if that’s the case and it really is a problem Husband can pay for her and we’ll just have a lousy time. Honestly things have gotten so bad in my blended family situation that my mom really doesn’t want much to do with her. So there’s not many options here. Plus if she didn’t come he’d be sitting home by himself he wouldn’t have her the whole time we’re gone.
Not fait to your mom
.... if SD comes, with ber BM drama.
Well yea that’s the thing
Well yea that’s the thing because it will come with drama. She’ll be calling him on a daily basis I don’t want to deal with that. I can see the point of “that’s his daughter and should be included” but this will not be the only vacation we’ll be going on there will be others that she will be included in just this one she wants to just focus on my kids. As far as my husband staying behind he will be missing out on our children’s first vacation to Disney which SD has already been. SD has gone plenty of places with H and I’ve stayed behind with our kids but yea my mother wants to enjoy time with her grandchildren not watch me stressed out on our vacation with BM calling us everyday and fighting with my husband better off just staying home
Have you told your Husband
Have you told your Husband that you really just want this trip to be with you guys and not SD? I know that not all people can express themselves well or have an honest conversation without there being backlash...
I’ll try to talk to him about
I’ll try to talk to him about and try to explain that other vacations she will be included in but this one is one that will be just us. It’s true that being in a family like this SD will not be everywhere we go at all times. The problem is my husband is entitled he expects that she’s included because she is his daughter they are a package deal in everything but he doesn’t see anything else beyond that like the money factor the child care BM calling everyday an . We’re all supposed to deal with it because “I knew what I was getting into” a simple vacation because a huge stress trigger and I just don’t know how worth it it is. If he won’t agree and be ok with it, it will be his responsibility to pay all her expenses and take care of her the entire time we’re there. My mom won’t do it and I won’t because I’ll have my two to care for. He has been bitching that he wants to spend more time with just us as a couple and considering we have a free babysitter while we’re there it’s a plus but if we bring her then we will have children with us 24/7 and no time for maritals unless we have sex with her in the same room which I’m not doing so that’s on him. plus constant phone calls from BM doesn’t exactly put me in the mood of you catch my drift
It would be an entirely
It would be an entirely different situation if this were a vacation you were planning on with your dh. If that were the case, then of course she should be invited. But this is entirely different - this is your mother planning on a vacation and wanting to invite her daughter and grandchildren. You don't get to impose an extra person when you are neither doing the planning nor the paying for it. If it is planned for when SD is with her mother it shouldn't concern her. If your husband can't bear to go and have fun just this once without her then that's on him.
I agree with this. If he won
I agree with this. If he won't go without SD, then he stays home and too bad if he misses out. That is his decision. Your kids should not have to miss out because of SD.
I also wanted to say this.
I also wanted to say this. Your family is planning this vacation, the family you were born to. They have no obligation to your stepdaughter. They invite you, your kids, and your husband. They need not invite your husband's children whom they are not related to. He would be unreasonable to ask this. It is like going to a party given by your mother. He would not reasonably insist it be for a day that he will have his daughter because she must be included in all things. No. This would not be reasonable. It is the same for a vacation I think.
Your husband just needs to
Your husband just needs to realize that there are things you are going to do without his daughter. That's just the way it is in these situations.
Even if he paid for her, I would not want her to go if it's going to cause misery for everyone. That would be such a waste of your mom's money, and SD was not invited, anyway.
Your mother is entitled to
Your mother is entitled to invite whomever she wishes on a vacation that she is paying for. In turn, your DH is free to decline the invitation if he doesn't want to attend without his child. What he shouldn't do, however, is insist that his child be included in your mother's invite. It's her party, so to speak, so she contols the guest list.
This is the bottom line.
Your mother is under no obligation to include someone she doesn't want to include... certainly not pay for. However, I can understand your DH's reluctanct to go off on a trip to disney with some of his kids but leave his daughter behind.. even if it is being hosted by grandma. This honestly is a situation where I guess it would be nice if people could be generous knowing that including SD would probably present some issues.. so perhaps that means Grandma allows that it's ok for her to come but your DH picks up that tab.. and is on the hook for caring for the girl as well. Yeah.. cramps your ability to go out and solo without any kids.. but it is what it is.. doesn't mean that you and grandma can't go out for drinks while DH (daddy to all) watches ALL the kids.. lol.
And.. grandma can also carve out certain things to do just with her bio grandkids and some less high stakes things and time for the group as a whole.. when in doubt.. DH takes sole responsibility for SD..
I know it's not optimal.. but I would hope to not create an even bigger divide than necessary.. they are all his kids.. but no your mom is not obligated to pay and host her.
If he misses out on your
If he misses out on your children’s first trip to WDW that is totally on him.
SD is an entitled spoiled
SD is an entitled spoiled brat if she expects to be invited to every major event despite her poor behavior. In real life, if you’re poorly behaved you lose friends, you get fired, and you don’t get invited.
It’s not so much her being
It’s not so much her being spoiled it’s my husband that expects it. She’s 9 so she doesn’t understand why she can’t be included in every single thing plus the way my husband and his family coddle her she’ll never understand why she can’t always be the center. The whole thing is just annoying and really it sucks all around I might have to suck it up on this one and if so me and my children will not spend any real time with H he’ll be too busy with her. So that’s that. I’ve known her for 6 years and from day one she’s been the center of everyone’s world and nothing will ever change. I come here because I need an outlet and place to vent.
She doesn’t understand
She doesn’t understand because she is not being parented. You just need to be an adult and tell everyone, including your husband, that it’s not her decision to make and she has to do as she’s told. She’s 9 for gods sake.
This is very true lol but
This is very true lol but this doesn’t apply to children especially stepchildren they should be coddled no matter what they do.
And I all honestly I know
And I all honestly I know this is going to sound bad but my mom is kind of fed up with her and her mother. She sees that SD gets special treatment, she has tried to do nice things for SD and she doesn’t even get so much as a thank you. She has witnessed SD stealing my children’s toys on Christmas and the adults just sitting there and doing nothing about it. She has seen my marriage nearly end because of BM and her manipulative ways she’s watched my husband constantly neglect me and our kids always putting them first.. She’s definitely feels that my husband cares for SD more than he cares about our kids. My son is a special needs child and mother can’t understand why SD is getting all this special treatment while my son sits there and gets nothing. She’s fed up with them just as I am. She worries about where me and my kids would wind up if we divorced. The whole thing is sad but it’s a reality I did not know it would be this way so I really didn’t know what I was getting into. My mother carries some resentment so she’s washed her hands of SD.
I think your mother feels the
I think your mother feels the way anyone would feel if they are in her position.
A few years ago BM was
A few years ago BM was dropping off SD at our house and my mother was there. For whatever reason she didn’t say hello, didn’t recognize her. BM called my husband yelling at him and badmouthing my mother calling her all kinds of names because she forgot to say hello. Even after that my mom kept the peace we all went to SDs communion party and putting on act just to keep the peace. It’s amazing because she’s the ex and that’s his daughter that they get away with everything and I have to be the good little wife and be ok with it. So yea I kind of don’t blame my mother for wanting a vacation with just our kids. It’s just been so much bullshit over time. It gets hard to cope.
Not that we are voting here
Not that we are voting here but i say leave the SD behind, if DH wants to stay with her so be it, he has to make choices as an adult and this is one, where does his allegiance stand?
Well honestly his allegiance
Well honestly his allegiance has always been with SD. No question. Her and her mother have been the cause of half of our marital problems because he never knew how to balance his time or be fair and equal. BM was always abusive and always pushed her limits and she got away with thanks to my husband. So I don’t trust he’d agree without a fight. It’s just a 5 day vacation it’s not going to make or break anything. It’s not a form of abuse for her to not come to this one. There will be others that she will come to. It’s just that my mother and have felt that over the years my children have been cast aside and treated like second best. She wants a vacation where they are the primary focus. We all have our opinions of what’s fair and what’s not but some would say over the years none of what has gone on was fair to my children either.
Given all that you have said
Given all that you have said here, who can blame your mother? I can certainly understand why she'd want some special time for and with her grandchildren. Tell your husband he can consider this a "learning experience" for his daughter ... that she won't always be the centre of the world.
Don't ruin your mother's
Don't ruin your mother's vacation, and the generous gesture she is making for your family, by bringing SD. You know it won't be the same with her there, and you know your mother doesn't want her there. Your own children probably won't have as good a time if SD is there hogging all of the energy and attention. She's been to Disney before; your kids haven't. Leave her behind. If your husband doesn't like it, leave him behind too. If your in-laws don't like it, have your husband tell them they're welcome to finance a trip that includes SD.
Your
Mother should not take SD, It up to your husband if he wants to go or stay home by himself because SD will not be with him. You have to take a stand and do best got your kids. You and your kids and your mother should enjoy yourselfs and have good menorys of the trip. Instead of memory’s of a bad trip.
You and your children go on
You and your children go on the trip and leave your dipsh*t husband at home. SD is still going to be major pissed that she doesn’t get to go to WDW. That’s no reason for your children to never get to go to WDW.
Your mother has graciously
Your mother has graciously offered to pay for your bios' first trip to Disney. So make it about that, how special that is, how your son will need extra help during the day but thanks to Grandma you and DH will be free to have some sexy fun adult time in the evenings. If he presses for SD to go, wrap yourself in righteous indignation that he even suggest such a thing. SD got her own very speshul magical first trip to Disney, and now it's your bios' turn for that. Point out that SD is older, and enjoys many firsts without her stepsibs being included. Make him feel like a monster for wanting to interfere with your kids' first trip to Mecca.
And if this angle doesn't work, GO WITHOUT HIM. Make wonderful memories with your mother and your children.
They are actually half
They are actually half siblings my husband is my children’s father as well. Trust me if they were step and my husband was not their father he wouldn’t be going at all. I’ve had to embrace his daughter as my own but he would never be able to do that for someone else’s children.
"My mother wants to enjoy
"My mother wants to enjoy time with her grandchildren not watch me stressed out on our vacation with BM calling us everyday and fighting with my husband better off just staying home."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I don't think your H knows just how much you and your mother dislike being around his daughter. I think you need to have an honest and open conversation with him and let him know that your mother wants to go on vacation with you, him and her grandchildren....nothing against SD but this is her preference for vacation. If he becomes upset about it, he's going to have to deal with it. Please enjoy yourself and don't deprive your kids of this vacation. Life is short and who knows the next time you will have this opportunity to enjoy yourself with the kids and your mom. Don't allow yourself to not enjoy your life because the world so call revolves around this little girl.
SD is spoiled and entilted, the truth hurts....it is, what it is. I hope your H realizes this one day or you both will continue to have these marital problems. He has to stop coddling her and treat her equally like everyone else.
Seriously, even if he pays
Seriously, even if he pays for the skid you know that she will ruin the trip for your family and especially your mom. Your mom who is generous enough to pay for a nice trip and...(hate to sound maudlin)...who isn't going to be around forever. And no way could I handle BM contact on vacation. Nyet! I wouldn't deny your mom and your bios this opportunity just because DH is a brat. Let him stay home and sulk.
Really, these men are ridiculous.They get everyone around them to walk on eggshells.
Why on earth should yoyr
Why on earth should yoyr mother have to pay fof his kid?
Leave the brat at home with her loser BM
Everyone’s mentality is
Everyone’s mentality is because I married him she is now my “family” and I’m just supposed to do everything for her. Because I married him and became her stepmother I’m obligated to do all the things a mother does, and my mother is should do the same. Look, it’s all fine and great that my husband and Inlaws feel the sun rises and sets with her but I don’t feel that way and neither does my mother. My husband is entitled, my stepdaughter is entitled, and so is BM. Sometimes I wonder why they even divorced because they both have that entitled attitude. I have been expected to drop everything including my own children to cater to her and make her feel special.
She's nit your family if you
She's nit your family if you don't want her to be.
Seriously- she's not your kid.
I hate when people have that "you married into it" mentality ugh
xo
Look, your mother invited you
Look, your mother invited you and your children, first and foremost. Your DH is invited because he is their father. Fine. He wants to invite SD because she is his daughter (the daughter of the father of the grandkids). Should you also invite BM because she is SD's mother (mother of the daughter of the father of the grandkids)? How far does this go? I'm exaggerating of course but sometimes you just have to ignore "everyone" and what they think.
This is none of your ILs' business. Remind them of that. And walk away.
You need to put your foot
You need to put your foot down. I sense a lot of resentment in your post. That destroys a marriage. You and your family only have an obligation to be civil to SD. I'd make sure he knew the kids and you are going; he is invited. SD is not.
Agreed- the only thing she
Agreed- the only thing she owes any of them id to be civil to the kid- literally NOTHING more
SD is not a glass she will
SD is not a glass she will not break, go with hubby without her she will get over it. She has to know she can't go everywhere with you guys, same as you can't go everywhere with her, if the situation was reversed and it was SD's mom planning a trip or party with her daughter, you wouldnt be invited!!! SD is not invited, nothing personal!
You’re right Wonder Woman. We
You’re right Wonder Woman. We try not to exclude skids but if it falls on a noncustody day(s) we don’t let that stop us from taking DD. DD has been on some pretty awesome vacations with us when skids were with their mom. Yes skids got jealous but there was nothing we could do. We’re not going to stop our lives just because skids can’t go. And admittedly we do purposely schedule some vacations for when skids will be gone because they are too difficult to manage in public.
We've taken Killjoy14 on
We've taken Killjoy14 on seven large vacations, in addition to many mini camping trips and whatnot. Never again. She acted like a complete bish, all were a nightmare. I'm a slow learner. We should have stopped after the first one.
Don't let SD ruin your kids' disney adventure.
If your mother is paying, I
If your mother is paying, I don't see how she can be expected to host another kid. She wants to do something for her family on her dime.
It's only 5 days -- can it be planned for days when SD will be at BM's house? That would be ideal. BM and SD wouldn't even have to know about the trip until after it happens (assuming your kids won't spill the beans until after you're back).
My mom tried to include my adult SD when we first married. SD repeatedly accepted invitations to my mother's family events and SD wouldn't show. The last time it happened was one of the only times my husband ever demanded anything from SD -- he called her and made her show up -- SD appeared 5 hours after the meal was over. I told my mother NEVER invite her to anything again and she hasn't.
SD has scorn for me, so she has scorn for my family. I put an end to that right then -- I may have to endure SD because of who I chose to marry, but my family doesn't.
I think you should go on a
I think you should go on a vacation with your family. If DH really wants SD to come, you can plan something else for them. Your mother is paying for this trip, not DH and his marriage/new family should be more important. Sorry - many people will hate that comment, but that's what I think.
I think you should go on a
I think you should go on a vacation with your family. If DH really wants SD to come, you can plan something else for them. Your mother is paying for this trip, not DH and his marriage/new family should be more important. Sorry - many people will hate that comment, but that's what I think.
Feel your pain on this one...
Feel your pain on this one... Want to have a holiday without SD, just with my.child... never going to happen. He would rather not go himself than exclude her... So I dread vacation. It's either the two of us and no kids, or both children. Feel for you, I really do.
I don’t know that’s kind of
I don’t know that’s kind of sad because what if you wanted to take your child on a day trip on a day you don’t have SD. He’s going to sit home and sulk and miss a day with his other child? Or demand you guys do nothing until it’s visitation I don’t know I just don’t think that’s fair to you and your child.
I truly feel that these men
I truly feel that these men should have just stayed married to their first wives. I mean these expectations are just impossible. I don’t call him DH on here because he is not dear he is just H lol. The amount of stress and pressure over this kid has nearly sent me to the loony bin. If he wanted a woman to be like this he should have stayed with his first wife or never got remarried. Personally I don’t think any of these men have any business dating or getting married again if this is how they are going to be. Sit home alone and sulk over your child who’s going to grow up and have their own lives anyway.
When I first met DH I was
When I first met DH I was appalled that he and his second wife would take her children on big vacations and even take a friend along for her kids - but SS was not included. Until I got to know the REAL story
SS was a hideous train wreck before he even started school. He was recommended for a in patient psych treatment before kindergarten. He's been wild, violent and uncontrollable his whole life. I now do not blame ex #2 for not wanting her children to be impacted by this POS. A trip to Disney with him would have been a disaster for all. It didn't matter how many treatments SS went thru. His maternal grandfather was a physician and part owner of a hospital. BM has worked for a major hospital (one of the best in the state) for almost 40 years - SS had access to the best care. He was just unfixable.
Now I am no fan of ex #2 - in many ways I think she is nuts - but she was right about SS.
We just went on a super fun
We just went on a super fun outing with only DD. DH had skids at home so he snuck his travel bags out of the house and told them he had things to do. Their mom was picking them up that evening. We didn’t want to take them because they fight all the time. We are again doing something fun next week on a day they will be at BMs. At the end of the month we have a Mexico vacation planned and we are only taking DD because skids are attention hogs and they fight all the time. They would ruin our trip. They get jealous but their dad tells them maybe next time we will take them. We have a blended family, not a nuclear family. Don’t get those confused.
We recently had this issue.
We recently had this issue. It caused a HUGE fight where my husband and SD left. We were paying for the kids, but my family was on vacation with us in a different room. SD always puts a face on when she's not please, which is most of the time, and then husband pleases her. Fight actually got physical. 2 days of the 3 (supposed to be 7) days my husband kept saying I shouldn't have came. I wish he didn't because I never get time with my kids and they never get to enjoy vacation without jealousy and then conflict between him and I. I said last year I didn't want to do anymore family vacations. I really don't have advice to give because it caused so much of a ruckus we seperated for a week and contimplated divorce. We have a child together and we do love each other so we're trying to work things out. It's extremely hard. I have a huge sigh we are not the only family, but I don't know how to make things better.
Can’t even tell you how many
Can’t even tell you how many times we contemplated divorced over stupid blended family drama. I was pregnant with our second child and we separated for a week over some stupidness involving his daughter in which he was screaming at me that I was a horrible human being. Nice thing to hear when your pregnant from your husband. This is exactly why me and my mother don’t want her to come because exactly what you wrote would probably happen. These blended families really suck, and yes I go through the same stuff with my H always pleasing her. I’m sorry that happened on your vacation it almost seems not worth it to go away at all.