Sh!t hit the fan and I stepped in (2 part- long)
PART 1: Yesterday was SD's birthday. We took her and 2 friends to the bowling alley/ arcade place on Wednesday night and they had a blast. One of her friends stayed over and DH took yesterday off to go with us to the amusement park (I had a really good coupon) and he rode rides with them because of my.... condition lol I walked around and got some sun.
A dear family friend of ours invited us over afterward to use her swimming pool and barbeque ribs, SD's favorite, and SD's friend came with us. When dinner time came around, SD was "too tired" to get off the couch to make a plate so she was told that if she doesn't get her arse up, the ribs would be gone. Just then, she appeared in the kitchen ready to eat. We also made a pumpkin pie for her bday dessert because it's her favorite and brought it to our friend's house. I told the friend's mom I'd take her home and it was already close to 9pm. I asked SD if she wanted dessert and she said yes. When I cut the pie and told SD to offer everyone a piece, she was quick to say "it's my birthda...." and right then, I cut her off and said "I know what day it is, now help me with the pie!". She got up and helped pass out pie.
Shortly after, SD's schooling came up. BM wants to send her to a high school that is in GBM district because BM went there. DH is totally against it but BM thinks she is above the 50/50 legal clause in the CO. SD continued to tell DH that "BM is pissed" that he didn't contribute to summer camp and that he "hasn't worked" in over 2 years (he owns an auto shop) and that BM has all the say. Mind you, there were 5 of our friends and SD's friend sitting around the table. DH told SD that she is well taken care of and that he takes care of his obligations and so on. SD wouldn't stop mouthing off with "well you this" and "well you that" and "BM this" blah blah. IN FRONT OF 6 OF OUR GUESTS IN OUR FRIEND'S HOME!
I cut in because I am about to blow a fuse and yell "SD stop talking right now. You will not speak to your father that way. You are taken care of when you are with us and that is your ONLY concern." It instantly got quiet and I finished cleaning the kitchen and told her we were leaving so get her shite NOW! We got home and she went straight to bed. DH and I talked and I told him that she is to NEVER speak to him like that again and that I was extremely embarrassed. Apparently he called BM last night about what SD said and BM apologized profusely on SD's behalf. He couldn't sleep and went to work at 5am.
PART 2: Today is the last day of summer camp and BM is picking SD up to go on the birthday trip out of town that she planned for SD. I took SD to camp since DH was at work then I get a call. DH wasn't going to take her because BM is holding it over his head and he didn't "need" it originally. BM showed up at his shop and tried to apologize for SD again taking no accountability for telling SD that DH doesn't pay for crap and that she slanders DH to SD. She always has but I thought we were in the "nice" stage. Well, as we all know, the "nice" stage can't last forever.
DH proceeded to tell BM that he has been nothing but nice and that they are going to court to put 50/50 on paper and get CS adjusted accordingly. BM refused to hear it and said his current obligation is what he "owes" to support SD even though he has at least 35% more than he did before. The original CO only allots DH 24 hours a month and they have been exercising week on/ week off for almost 5 months now. That's all great in BM's mind until her CS is threatened. That means no free $500/ month to save for vacations or laser hair removal. That means no more building her savings account.
The best part? After BM telling DH that SHE does everything for SD, she expected him to do shocks and brakes on her car for their trip this weekend! This woman is delusional! DH ended up telling her to get out of his shop and that they can figure it out in court. I guess he has a customer that is a lawyer who has helped him before. I have no doubt that GBM will show up at the shop trying to "rationalize" with DH but he's had enough. He's been nothing but accommodating to those people, against my better judgement, and BM talking crap about him to SD just sent him over the edge. BM never denied the slander.
I told him that his main focus in court should be the slander and pathogenic parenting and see if SD's counselor will testify. His best friend is the mayor's right hand man so hopefully he can speak to someone directly in the family court system. I can't believe this is all happening but I knew we couldn't have the peace forever. I also told him that SD needs to speak to the judge or at least a GAL. BM will be totally against it but he'll do what he can. SD cannot be put in the middle anymore and DH is livid. Obviously SD didn't come up with this on her own and like I said, BM never denied the comments that DH brought to light that SD said. Her only angle was that her CS is being threatened and DH should still owe the full amount even though our household has taken on a 50% responsibility for SD. How much do you all want to bet BM won't send SD back here until court?
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Comments
I would have been totally
I would have been totally embarrassed had a skid said all that infront of friends, shudder to think about it.
Oh I was! I was shocked but
Oh I was! I was shocked but could feel my blood boiling and couldn't keep quiet anymore. No one talks down to my husband like that.
Think VERY carefully about
encouraging your DH to fight for full custody. If you win (which isnt likely), your life will be SD full time and you'll have to cope with your DH's substandard parenting full time. Do you want to win that booby prize? And if you lose, it will still be a lengthy, expensive battle (think 20k min).
There will always be attorneys eager to take your money and promise you can win full custody; that's how they make a living. 50/50 sounds acheivable, and you can ask for a "no alienation" clause to be added to the agreement. I'd also ask to claim SD on taxes every other year and hammer out health insurance and co pays, extra curriculars, etc. With another child on the way, you need to protect your financial interests.
But not the tax credit! No
But not the tax credit! No joke, that was always one of BM's main concerns in court- her yearly bonus for having a functional uterus and maintaining CP status. I've no doubts that she will say that 50% isn't working and I'm 99% sure she'll get her way as always. I wish DH kept his mouth shut this morning and just kept on kissing her ass, to be honest. I don't need this crap going on with a baby on the way. I thought things were actually going pretty good as far as no problems with BM and I was working on disengaging.
That's beyond embarassign!
That's beyond embarassign! Please tell me your Dh definitley sees that?!
I hope court goes smooth an dyou get it all on paper... The control that woman has isn't good for anyone...
Yes he sees it. I'm glad he
Yes he sees it. I'm glad he didn't explode on SD last night but she went straight to bed because I think she knew. DH says the more he thinks about it, the more he knows SD is just being BM's flying monkey and he's right.
I also told him that he needs to fight for full with all of this going on but I'm not sure what kind of chance he has. I'm fearful that BM is going to win and he will go back to next to nothing visitation. If he has a lawyer, GBM will definitely hire one for BM.
I think at minimum with him
I think at minimum with him being involved he should get standard visitation... He has a good shot at 50/50 since that's what it's been for the last 5 months. But she won't be able to take everything unless she proves he's an unfit parent, which she'll have a hard time with considering she's let him take her 50% now.
With the way the courts gave
With the way the courts gave her everything before, I wouldn't be surprised. I already told DH that she's going to go into a courtroom swinging and pouring out the crocodile tears. He didn't have a lawyer in the original filing, though, so I hope that makes a difference. Even GBM knows DH is a good person and dad so we want her to testify in court along with SD being involved now that she's older.
I understand... It's super
I understand... It's super skewed... BM admitted in court she'd been doing drugs in the past... With an admission like that you'd think the courts would want proof she was clean for sure. Instead she got visitation because crocodile tears. It's not fair or right. But since your DH is so involved he definitley has a chance, especially with a lawyer
I really hope so. Thank you.
I really hope so. Thank you. I know 1000% that BM is going to try to go back on 50/50 when it comes to being legally binding. In her conversation with DH, all it was about to her was MONEY as per usual.
I wouldn't suggest DH light
I wouldn't suggest DH light into her, but question her and make her use critical thinking skills to figure stuff out. She's going into high school soon? She should be able to do this with the right questions. Now he can call her on being disrespectful and behavior of course. He should hold her accountable to how she treats the adults in her house, but changing her mind and getting her to see BM's campaign will take more savvy.
Why does BM say this or that? Why would she say this or that? Do you think this is true? ect...... We used these techniques with our SD starting at about middle school age and it helped her to see thru BM's BS. Now that didn't make the game go away but SD was way more respectful toward's her father and only needed reminders every so often. I bought the video Welcome Back Pluto and we had her watch that twice and used things from that in dealing with SD. I will say that she is the only one of 4 skids that is still in contact with her dad. The other 3 are estranged. SD also got a print out after graduation of all child suppport/alimony payed throughout the years. She was aware of DH's responsibilities and that he paid them. Facts are golden in the face of a BM that slander's her wallet.
Its awful how BM slanders
Its awful how BM slanders your H. This is one of many classic ways that children are poisoned and manipulated against their other parent so they think they are not provided or cared for. SD speaking about personal family issues in front of friends was out of line and I hope he speaks to her and lets her know that you shouldn't air your dirty laundry for others to see, especially when they have no idea what's going on.
I can imagine how embarrassed and appauled you were at her behavior and hope its the last time she ever does that. These kids have no idea what is done for them but like another poster suggested, having a print out and physical proof of the money you contribute may show her just how much you do. Sometimes its not enough to tell them but they have to see it for themselves.
I'd also ask H to stop fixing her car. She can go elsewhere for that service. Right now she's taking advantage of his kindness and taking him for granted. You give someone an inch they run and take a mile.....no special treatment for her. She can go kick rocks.
He is definitely done working
He is definitely done working on her car and all of her family's vehicles also. He referred one of his friends to her who is a plumber and plans to tell him to ignore BM's calls if there are any in the future. He's really hoping his friend in the mayor's office knows someone to get his case looked at. Not only for the current situation but everything in the past as well. BM has always spoken ill of him in court so I hope DH's lawyer can help.
She will be in high school
She will be in high school next year, yes. DH has used this before but he was seeing red last night and said that he was seriously thinking about slapping her. He didn't, of course, so he just went to bed. He couldn't sleep last night and started to realize that SD really is just a kid and BM is the orchestrater. Yes, SD needs a talking-to about mouthing off but the ideas obviously didn't come from her. How else would SD have any concept of finances if she wasn't told?
Oof. Honestly, I would have
Oof. Honestly, I would have felt more embarrassed for her than myself or DH, with her emotional vomiting of very personal matters. I would have been L I V I D with her behavior, not things said necessarily. You have to always remind yourself that part of her issues are because she’s a victim of circumstances, because BM and the rest of her maternal side of the family.
Skid here is very mouthy with no filter, too. It has come to my attention that MIL shares A LOT with skid. Things she shouldn’t. It’s painful to watch skid’s half-assed attempts to squash DH with the stories. My disappointment falls on MIL just as much as skid.
It sounds like your DH really sees BMs antics this time. I hope he takes her back to court!
It definitely was the
It definitely was the behavior that disgusted me over the actual words but the fact that it was demeaning DH as a father made it so much worse. I had a very direct conversation with her when I dropped her off and she texted DH to apologize. He definitely plans to expose BM in court for the demon that she is. She's scared to death of his CS obligation ending because that means she has nothing to hold over his head.
I've had similar issues with
I've had similar issues with my OSD...but thankfully not in front of others. Well, once she told my DH that this "isn't even her house" when he asked her to sweep something up before some visitors came over...and my mom was there helping and heard it and told me later that she thought OSD was a spoiled brat...
But other than that, all of her disrespect for her dad was just in front of us.
Once, she told me with a straight face that she was "basically independent" and that her dad "didn't do anything for her other than pay child support."
I was so enraged. This was when she was 16...living at home, coming to us for visitation...and had zero bills. Drove a car DH's parents bought her, used a phone that we paid for...was on our auto insurance.
I simply printed out our bank statement for the prior month and black-marked through everything except for groceries, cell bill, clothes/extras, auto insurance, school fees, and child support - amounting to over $1000 for her third of the kid expenses for that month. Said: "Here. You owe me and your dad $1000, Miss Independent."
I love this! Of course,
I love this! Of course, because our home doesn't discuss finances with children, SD has no idea that BM receives CS. All SD hears is that BM pays for everything and that's not really a lie except we do provide SD with things for our home. BM got SD braces without consulting DH and paid for summer camp without consulting him either. She puts the burden on herself then has the audacity to play martyr.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT push
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT push him to apply for full custody...let the 50/50 play out in court. You would be making a mistake MANY on this board have made and paid the price and hated that they did that. You do NOT want this kid w/you fulltime. Period. He doesn't even want it. Let that monkey go. Btw, how's that disengagement going for you? ;)
I've been pretty disengaged
I've been pretty disengaged otherwise. Last night, I couldn't keep my mouth shut because my idiot husband was letting SD argue with him in front of all of our guests. I don't know why he didn't shut it down.
And I most definitely don't want full custody, especially with a baby on the way, but I honestly think our home is best for stability in SD's life. And I'm scared for him that 50/50 will get taken away because BM has always gotten her way in court. They don't seem to know or care about alienation.
Its much better, especially
Its much better, especially with a baby on the way to have split time with skids. OMG, you don't want to deal with a new baby and this crap.
I once thought like you did too, but knew after watching DH keep losing in court big time, that it was better to counteract the PAS and play the long game. You have to trust that Karma will find this situation and dole out punishment at the right time. Invite peace into your life and kick out the BM drama. So many posts tell the court story, most losing lots of money, and the skids as BM skips off into the sunset. Once in awhile you hear back that karma bit BM in the ass, or the skids. We all rejoice at that! LOL Karma has appeared in my story, and its beautiful thing when you get wind of it. Subtle but there.
Courts don't care about pathalogical parenting. Once in awhile you read about a judge but it never seems to be in my state. Think long and hard about the amount of money going out the door, never to be recovered again, that could have been invested for retirement purposes. You don't get a second chance at that but there are other ways to fight a HCBM. You could find after some research some tools to help. You could also find its a never ending battle that is better left behind. Only time will tell.
I already know that it won't
I already know that it won't be in his favor and I hope the lawyer breaks that delusion right away. He gave up 5 years ago and just went with the CO after every time he went back to court, he actually got less and less time instead of more time like the goal was. I wish I didn't marry a man with a psycho ex. SD is a complete brat and I'm sick of her, too.
I don't remember, does DH
I don't remember, does DH have any proof that he has been doing 50/50 for the last however many months? That would work in his favor to get it, legally.
Him getting full custody would be a stretch and a waste of money. Like somebody already said, many lawyers will tell you it's doable because they want the money but it's only doable in extreme cases.
We never discussed finances with my SD, either. Turns out BM did and apparently told SD that DH paid nothing. I mean, at some point, we assumed that SD knew that DH paid child support. When she was an adult and came over for a visit, it somehow came up, and DH told her that he had paid every month, in full, on time (if not early). Her mouth dropped open and DH offered to show her the receipts from the state. She declined.
Even so, to this day, SD will tell you and anybody that will listen, that DH has never done anything for her.
We have exact dates written
We have exact dates written down in a notebook along with many other dates and incidences but I don't know if that's good enough or if the court will even care. I know 100% that BM will try to renege the verbal agreement she's been following since spring break in March (week on/ week off) in court because it threatens her CS aka savings account.
I want all of this drama to be over. I thought we could all "play nice" for 6 more years until SD ages out but obviously not. DH said he's definitely done being her personal mechanic and referring his friends to her. Honestly, I want them all to go away and I don't care how that makes me sound.
Ha, it makes you sound normal
Ha, it makes you sound normal. Nobody wants all of this drama. Well, except for dysfunctional people who thrive on it.
BM even sent me a text on
BM even sent me a text on Wednesday saying that she appreciates all that I do for SD, especially for her bday because she knows I did the planning. Then DH had to call her out for badmouthing him to SD, which she didn't deny, and now all Hell has broken loose and we probably won't see SD until after a new court order is made.
Yeah that would have given me
Yeah that would have given me second-hand embarrassment to say the least. And how awkward for your friends to have to sit through that. That would be the absolute last birthday I’d bother with for that child. Her dad can take her to dinner solo from here on out.
It was super awkward for
It was super awkward for everyone involved and my friend almost stepped in because she doesn't take crap from her own kids. I am totally done with planning anything fun for this girl. Last year we rented a hotel room for her and some friends at the waterpark hotel and that was ok.
We have been gifting her experiences instead of things since she doesn't need anything. My mom also sent $50 so I bought SD a book set to add on to the series she's been reading and her friends and our friends got her really nice gifts also then she acts like that.. I'm done.
And since she texted DH to apologize, he just told her to "watch what she says in front of people" and is directing his anger toward BM.