Always the bad one

Forums:

Let's start off with the basics; my now husband and I have been together for some years, he has a now 17 year old daughter, I gave up the opportunity to have a child of my own when I chose to be with my husband. I know that being a step parent is not always a beautiful thing. However, he lets his daughter do whatever she wants, he lets her behave however she feels, and lets her say whatever as well. She does not listen to anything he tells her to do. Now, I come from a family where you grew up respecting people, so needless to say this all gets under my skin. I hate how she disrespects him, I will say one thing and he will turn around and do the complete opposite. We will discuss something that pertains to his daughter and not follow through with the decision we made together. I am CONSTANTLY the bad person. I'm wrong when I get upset with her behaviour, and it always comes down to me just having an attitude and "having an issue with his kid," now I go out of my way to make sure that she has all that she needs, and in the end he can never just listen to how they make me feel, and no matter how many times or how I say it, things never change. I never feel like I matter, or my feelings are worth anything. I spend a lot of my time sick to my stomach from anger and confusion. I'm his wife, I should matter at least a little bit? Right? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I don't matter to either one and I should just come to terms with that ... I just don't know what to do anymore.

I literally could've written

I literally could've written this myself.

I ended up leaving mine- I'm in a lot of pain and missing him.

Reading this has helped me remember what exactly I'm missing

(( hug))

I hope that you are in a

I hope that you are in a better place. And things start to look up for you!! Stay strong and do what's best for you!!!

There’s something seriously

There’s something seriously wrong with men psychologically and emotionally. They cannot entertain the idea that Maybe their kid is not perfect and these concerns are valid. It took me two years and buying my own place to get DH to see that his children are not perfect angels. Sorry you’re going through that.

Yeah, I'm starting to see

Yeah, I'm starting to see this! It just kills me that I'm never put first, and I'm just about at the end of my rope here. I keep telling myself things will work themselves out one way or another. Let's hope.

Not suggesting you should

Not suggesting you should leave- but I do know how you feel.

I got so sick of being neglected and not being put first that I had to leave because it was destroying me!

What you do is disengage. His

What you do is disengage. His daughter is almost an adult and is a result of poor parenting. Not to be cruel, but... bottom line is she is not your child and how she's turned out is not your fault.

So. Step back. Step waaaaay back. Let him parent HIS kid. You treat her like a coworker you don't like: polite, but distant and impersonal.

You DO matter. But put yourself first. Someone has to.

Welcome to the site, Danielle

Welcome to the site, Danielle! This issue - ie you take umbrage over the SKIDs' bratty behaviour and then DH accuses you of having an issue with his precious snowflake - is almost universal in Step world I'm afraid. My DH has somewhat come around to seeing things from my point of view and realises he didn't have my back as he should have, all those years. However, it took a decade for this to happen. And he still sometimes accuses me of being too negative about them, particularly freeloading work shy SD23.

Only you know if the relationship with your man balances out more on the positive or on the negative - ie for staying or leaving. I'm sure you will find some support here, at least.

I spend a lot of my time sick

I spend a lot of my time sick to my stomach from anger and confusion. I'm his wife, I should matter at least a little bit? Right? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I don't matter to either one and I should just come to terms with that ... I just don't know what to do anymore.

^^^^^^^^^ You should matter a great deal Danielle! You should be his priority and unless your H is willing to make a change and put forth the effort you may never be on the top of his list. You don't have to accept this way of life and come to terms with it. You can change this. If your H doesn't make the changes necessary to save your marriage you have the power to do what makes you happy and place you 1st.

Stop playing 2nd to his daughter. If it is not stopped now you will remain unhappy in a marriage for the rest of your days. Do you want to continue living this way......

I just keep trying to hold on

I just keep trying to hold on to the hope that he might eventually change. It hasn't happened and I'm actually scared that it won't especially when he follows up an argument with ... "she won't live her forever." Like I just need to deal with it until she moves out?!?!

Nope, you are not wrong. Your

Nope, you are not wrong. Your DH should be dealing with his daughter's disrespectful behavior when it happens and set ground rules on how you and he are to be treated in your home.

yes, you are his wife, and you should matter. Your needs and feelings do matter in a marriage and should not come second overnhis DD.

If your DH continues to let his DD be disrespectful, then she will be. He needs to put his foot down.

good luck with all this.

Thank you, I just feel like

Thank you, I just feel like he needs to make his daughter respect him, because it causes a strain between him and I when he let's her be so disrespectful. He will tell her to do something and NEVER follows through with it. It's just exhausting most days.

If his daughter doesn't

If his daughter doesn't respect your H, how the h@ck is she going to respect you? This is the thought process that he needs to get through his head. This is very draining and wishing you strength if you plan to deal with this.

I thought it was just me - i posted this wrong

Sorry for posting this in the wrong place....still figuring this stuff out

Dear OP,

Do not listen to posters who use doublespeak and false equivalencies to make you feel like you don't deserve to be an equal and respected partner in your household.

Here's a translation for what a certain "no experience in stepfamily dynamics" poster will tell you:

The skid isn't the problem. = YOU are the problem.

Your DH's parenting isn't the problem. = YOUR expectations for respect and being respected is the problem.

You don't respect your DH = Leave DH and skid alone! Who are you to try to talk to your husband and get on the same page as one another regarding household standards? Who are you to expect to be an equal partner in your household?

The skid is not the problem = You're just jealous of your DH's child (no matter how filthy, disrespectful, lazy, rude and in some cases, abusive the skid is).

You're in pain. = It's YOUR fault.

Consider the source of "advice" accordingly.

i feel your pain

my 2 step kids are 17 years old- they call their dad by name not dad.

they change all rules of the house and SO would not dare say anything

i just caught ss stealing from someone- punishment? NO PUNISHMENT, SO said if he takes away stuff he will just be in his hair!!!! seriously!!! why did u have a child?

the girl.... daddy's 17 year old angel..... screws her boyfriend each time he picks her up, bye dadddddeeee going to the movies!!!! YA RIGHT! oh my cramps are so bad i need to go on the pill! parents are fing clueless

drinking/ drugs- found 5x in my house...... guess by who? ME!!!! cause daddy to lazy to check.

right now there is booze hiding in their rooms!

ss got in a fight with his bio mom....punishment: mommy won't water your weed plant- r u fucking serious!!!!!!!!!

daddy to lazy to parent and afraid if he puts his foot down his little angels will say fine i'm going to live with mom, and mom has the same fear!

one day i am just going to snap!!!!

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