and they represent how you feel. However, you need to acknowledge the reality of the situation you are in. You are not the boy's mother, no matter how much you think your feelings and actions make you his mother. He has a living and involved mother who has made it abundantly clear to him that he is not to call you "Mom" or any other version of the word.

You fulfill the "Mom" role when he is with you and that is great. But it is unfair to both yourself and the child to expect him to call you "mom" or to even think of you as "mom," becaus you are not his Mom.

If you want to be a "mom" -  you need to have your own child. If your boyfriend is not in a position to be a father to your child, it may be time to move on.

I understand and sympathize with these feelings. I have had them, and it takes work to make stepparenting not hurt when you want a child of your own. Or, more appropriately, when you want to be a mom.

Part of being a SP is recognizing that you may never get the recognition that you want, or even deserve. I sacrifice plenty for my SSs, and there are plenty of things that go on behind the scenes that they don't know about that are done for them. I love my SSs (and there are plenty of SPs who don't like or love their steps for many good reasons, and that's okay), and I would take a bullet for them. But, they aren't and never will be "mine".

It took time, but I realized that I do the things I do because of my DH. I love my DH, and if I didn't love him, I wouldn't know his sons. I wouldn't care about them. I wouldn't do for them. So, really, my caring for and love for my SSs is an extension of my feelings for my DH. My liking of my SSs, and the degree to which I like them, is based on our individual personalities, just like with any other family member I care about.

So, I get it. It's hard loving someone in a way that feels maternal but not getting the reward for it. You deplete your maternal-love well, but there is nothing there that replenishes it as quickly as you empty it, whereas bio parents have a well that is ever being refilled. It hurts, it's draining, and you feel guilt when you withdraw to protect yourself. Your SO probably makes you feel more guilt, too, even if by accident because he doesn't and can't get it.

But this isn't a slight against you. My SF has been in my life for 15 years now. He came in when I was a teenager and my siblings were older kids. I still call him by his first name. I love him, and his son is my brother. His family is my family. But I still have a dad that I have a relationship with, and it feels very disrespectful to my dad to call my SF "dad". It has nothing to do with not appreciating what he has done for me, or thinking of him as a lesser parent. It's just that I have a was, and it's not him.

My DH deals with the parental alienation behavior, too, where BM has pushed the boys to call her (now ex) husband "Daddy". It breaks my DH's heart if he hears them refer to him as Daddy because my DH didn't willingly choose to spend less time with his kids. A vindictive ex and a BM-centric court system did. The chances of my SSs ever seeing me the way that their mother has raised them to see her XH are slim to nil. And yes, that hurts.

But you know what? My options are to accept that I do these things out of love whether I get the return, or to disengage either by making the conscious choice not to be motherly towards the kids or by leaving entirely. They aren't my kids. Even if I call them my kids, they never will be. They will never see me that way, either due to their mother's influence or their own sense of respect to their mother. And I have to accept that and act accordingly. I have days where it makes me cry, and I have days where I am elated to be kid-free. Being a stepparent isn't easy, but we have all the control on how we feel about it and act upon it.

You will have to make changes if you want your feelings to change. What those changes are will be completely up to you. However, no matter the choice, you will have to accept that, no matter what you say or want, your stepson is just your stepson - AND THAT IS OKAY. 

I completely understand what your are dealing with.  Being a REAL parent has little to nothing to do with biology and everything to do with taking the actions and responsibilities of parenting.

However,  you are your own worst enemy in the situation you describe.  Quit diving down this rabbit hole of pitty and look at what you are to this child.  Nearly every  kid has a mom.  In this case a toxic manipulative PASing POS mom.  Your skid has a Dory.

if you want a BK..... have one.  Waiting until you can “afford” one doesn’t make a lot of sense.  You will earn more over time as a kid ages.

If your SO isn’t onboard.... find a partner who is.

SParenting should not be about sacrificing yourself on the alter of SParental martyrdom.  Engage and enjoy your life or make a change.

If you want to be a mommy, then you need to work hard to build a life where that's possible. That means investing in yourself so you have a marketable set of skills that generate enough income to afford you choices in life. You say you're in school, and that's a good thing.

In steplife, it's hard to know what our role is and isn't. Different players want different things from us depending on their own agendas (BM may wish you dead, while DH may want you to be Replacement Mommy).  And then there's the skids themselves, who can be so adorable. You're learning the hard lesson we all do: that no matter how attached we get to a skid, no matter how committed and involved we become, we aren't biologically connected to them. It's a distinction that does make a difference, and a fact you should face.  

The hard truth is, you are the girlfriend of a man who has a child. You are not the mom, and for your own emotional health you need to accept this. Your role is to support your bf in his parenting. He should care for his son, and you should care for him. When we lose sight of these realities, things can get out of balance.

You got sucked in, loved too hard, and got burnt. It's happened to many of us, and I'm not suggesting that you  just stop loving this little boy (as if you could). You do need a reset, though, and some emotional distance. Remember that facts are facts, and ignoring the facts won't change them. This little boy belongs to someone else, and unfortunately his mother is going to try to alienate him at every possible opportunity. 

You are responsible for yourself first, and should have a hard limit for now much you're willing to allow other people's problems to impact your life. Keep investing in your education and betterment, and don't sacrifice your dreams for anyone. 

God how I wish they would stop referring to me as mom! It makes me sick. I don’t claim skids at all but it’s pushed down my throat by DH and his family. You should consider yourself lucky.

I. Understand. Completely.

I'm a custodial SM, BM ditched for a years, she's crazy, and I'm like 95% sure not only a pot-head but also a meth-head... She's NEVER funded a single thing for them, is emotionally abusive, neglects them, basically just a full on piece of work.

Since I came into the girl's lives I have effectively been a mother. Because bieng a mother is an action. It's not giving birth, it's not having legal rights, it's an action. Absolutely anyone can be a "mom" but not everyone can be a mother. From the sounds of it that's what you are. You're a mother. But you also just so happen to be the stepmother. Not being called mom somedays really sucks, I can totally sympathize with you on that. Hearing that BM has informed the girls you're "not going to be anyones real mom ever so they aren't allowed to call you mom anymore" literally feels like a stab to the heart.

But you got to remember, kids are observant, they're smart, and as long as you and your SS have a good relationship and you keep doing you, he's going to notice and he's going to realize, even if it's not now, he will see it eventually...

SD5 told me those things above, that BM had told her. But SD9 stood up for me. Informed her that I'm the one that cares for them and spends time for them and that I'm the "momma mom" and BM is "just mom." They see a LOT more than you realize.

Some times I'm still called PA, and I admit, it stings a bit.Because while I know it's not necesarrily LEGALLY my title to hold, that I let them choose what to call me, I still cherish it whenever it does happen. Because I am mom. BM is an egg donor, a bitter one at that. Being a mother is an action, so even when you're not being called that, just remember that kids see things, and YOU can sleep well at night knowing what you do for your SS.

However one thing. NO ONE should ever force the kid to clal you mom, it should be solidly his choice and idea. And if you aren't comfortable with it, it is okay to say NO.

BM is simply functioning on jealousy and pettiness. Remember you aren't that.

I wasn't as young as you when I met DH and the SS's, but it has been a hard journey. I would tell my former self (the younger, better one) to find a man without kids. There are people on this site who will simply say "leave" or "get out now," and its never as easy as that. You have invested time and I think for women we always are keeping some kind of clock.  Like, I've already put in four years so if I broke it off now, that time would be WASTED. It isn't wasted though since every relationship has taught me to grow to different ways.

At 24, you don't have to settle for biomom, biodad, and stepkid drama. Just know it will ALWAYS be there, and in my case, has gotten prepetually worse. I had a SS who called me mom when he was small and it was heartwarming but it all goes away as they age and as BM fills them with toxic waste. I want to grab you and shake you and tell you there are so many GREAT single guys without kids in their 20's. A breakup is devestating, but staying in this situation for a lifetime is one I wouldn't advise for anyone. 

I'm sending hugs your way.

~hg

It took me a while to get used to having SD but once I got comfortable I went out of my way to do things for her. It hurts getting burned and not being appreciated. Her mom alienates her from us, is emotionally abusive, and doesn't provide a stable environment. Much like you said in your post she wants to be a parent and won't let her stay with us but her mom's friends and babysitter spend more time with SD than she does. Her daughter is regularly left home alone after school now that she's older while mom works and goes to school while SD fails classes and has to cook her own meals. I wanted so badly to provide the stable home environment she deserves.  In SDs mind her mom can do no wrong and the stuff she goes through is normal. 

We never fought for custody because SD had always been brainwashed by BM and we never felt forcing her to stay with us when she said she didn't want to would work and I've seen so many people in real life and on the forum spending 50-60k and making little to no progress. 

My advice is to stop fighting and burning money in court for a battle you'll probably lose and don't put everything off waiting for the perfect time to have a kid. There isn't one.