More Introspection

We have had a few Blogs this week that have focused on introspection, looking at yourself, your fears, how you deal with change and so forth.

It got me thinking about how I have dealt with certain aspects of skid life and how that may have affected the skids thinking going forward.

I have two major things I do with speaking to kids on serious matters be it life skills, their future endeavors or even why chores are important. First I tend to lecture, I spent a lot of time in lectures halls over the years and I guess this has rubbed off on me, there are so many ways to look at a situation and I tend to include them all, thus a lengthy explanation is the result. I have been working on becoming more to the point.

Secondly I am always brutally honest, skid says they want to become an actor, sounds great doesn’t it, being famous, make lots of money, etc etc. I point out the statistics for becoming a well paid actor, all the work that goes into becoming an actor, the constant drudgery of trying to stay employed as an actor, I could go on and on. I’m not the kind to say “Oh yeah that would be perfect for you” when the truth is the total opposite.

Both of my “adult” skids are useless POS’s with no future, so did I scare them away from doing anything or was I right and just knew they couldn’t put in the work to “become” anything. I believe it’s the later but I am sure that others would see it differently.

I have never agreed with letting a kid think they are going to be successful without pitfalls and hard work and I also believe they should be aware ahead of time of the work needed to get ahead, I believe all kids have the potential for success just some of them can’t ever or choose never to tap into that potential. I saw this early with both of my skids and have to question how I dealt with knowing that they had these issues.

What traits about yourself, not necessarily faults , do think could be tweeked or adjusted ?

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I struggle to go with the

I struggle to go with the flow... I'm definitely a "take action" kind of person. So when I feel enough isn't getting done, I'm definitely not shy about telling people. But I think it can be a HUGE flaw sometimes... Because I also have a tendency that when someone isn't acting to feel like they're being lazy and bring it up multiple times to remind them.

I admit not the best, especially with all the chaos the ex causes... I tend to tell off my DH, not because I'm trying to insert myself, but because I see the emotional abuse and trauma and the neglect, and after going through a lot of the emotional abuse myself, I'm a bit more sensitive to it all the later effects that it can cause.

So because I act. I struggle when it feels things aren't moving and that people aren't acting. I guess it's also a bit of a lack of patience that combines in there.

Those are definitely some things I've been trying to work on, and that I know I need to work a LOT harder on. I think mine the lack of patience is a fault, but that being a doer is a good thing, I just need to reign it in a bit.

Oh also I have a temper for bullies and for people that blame others for everything, abuse kids, etc. Not necesarilly a flaw, but I'm definitley running out of manners when it comes to BM, who I still have to magically be cordial with during pick-up and drop-off.

Major, I think you're too

Major, I think you're too hard on yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with pointing out facts. IMO, it would be significantly WORSE to encourage a child who shows little to no aptitude for something. Someone here had a skid in piano for YEARS and that skid was still at beginner level - and playing like crap!

I was raised in a very strict, military household. My expectations of the skids were:

pick up after themselves
bathe
eat what was served (If it's new, try it. If you loathe it, we won't serve it to you again.)

What I got was:

skids who left crap EVERYWHERE. I cannot tell you how many times DH broke something with his big feet because it was on the LR floor. Pop cans and chunks of food all over the place. I STOPPED picking up, STOPPED reminding, and DH had to do it. Took him all of 2 visits before he started making the skids do it.
A PigPen of a boy who was an embarassment - unless you'd just got done going mudding. BioHo dropped off the skids late one night, we piled into the car and went to the store. When we got inside, DH was horrified to see that PigPen had black dirt from fingertips to elbows, all around his neck, and covering the lower half of his face. DH immediately marched him into the restroom to clean up. After that, DH insisted that Piggy shower EVERY NIGHT before he went to bed. Believe me when I tell you that it was a struggle, but DH prevailed.
PigPen, at 13, sitting at the dinner table BAWLING because DH told him he had to eat 3 bites of corn. The little shi'thead LIKES corn. Maybe he thought it was poisonous since I'd cooked it... That was the last time I cooked for the skids.

Skids are part of the people we love, so I think we have an expectation that the skids will have our loved one's qualities and that we will, at some point, love them. We may forget that they also have the qualities of the other parent.

So what would I have done differently? I would have gone in disengaged. I found that I cared too much simply because they were DH's kids/skids. So I would have done my best to NOT allow myself to care. After all: not my circus; not my monkeys.

^ FOr what it's worth. I

^ FOr what it's worth. I think you tyring to make sure dreams don't become a reality without hard work is something that more kids need. Too many people are taught if they dream they'll get it. Then they don't go anywhere because they're expecting it to just fall in their lap.

True. However, I went in

True. However, I went in knowing I was NOT a parent. In my previous stint as a SM, I was the ONLY parent the skids had, so I had to step up. This time around, I only considered myself to be DH's wife and another adult in the household to whom the skids could come to for help/questions.

well in your case though, Steps aren't even from the DH that you

love cause BioHo is well, a Ho. Just one is your husbands. Isn't that right? But I feel you. When I had it out with SD a month ago... you know I said I was done but she showed up at my house... I told her, "I'm not your parent. I don't want to be your parent. You have two parents. I have always just wanted your parents to parent you. All I ever wanted to be was a kindly aunt kind of figure that you could come to for advice. It should have just been my job to take you to lunch. But your my daughter's sister! And I don't want you dying from medical neglect! So you want me to parent you? Here you! Take you insulin! "

Two are DH's bios.

I have never tried to parent these kids. I HAD to parent my previous 3 because BM was a crack head and my ex was an alcoholic.

Dude...you didn't scare your

Dude...you didn't scare your kids away from success lol. Successful people hear, "You can't do that!" And they are driven to prove it wrong.

My SD briefly claimed she was going to be a neurosurgeon. She can't even spell it. She has failed all of her core classes since middle school. Me telling her that it is unrealistic for her to be accepted at any medical school with the grades she pulls did not prevent her from becoming a world renown brain doctor. Her own lack of effort, character and ambition has taken care of that.

Genetics play far, far bigger roles than the well reasoned lectures of a step parent. These shit apples don't fall far from the shit trees. I'm guessing their bio father isn't a wildly successful individual.

A trait that I can work on is

A trait that I can work on is to learn to respond instead of reacting right away. I have reacted to situations and could have gone about it in a more approprate way. Responding on the other hand is taking the situation in and deciding the best way to go about it. Like not reacting in anger, taking a pause, take a breath and look at the situation from all angles.

There will always be situations that may annoy me, but if I learn to respond and not just react, I can make things better and not worse.

I do this as well, react

I do this as well, react instead of respond and have been working on it for years, maybe one day I'll get it lol

I know it sound like it but I

I know it sound like it but I really don’t “blame” myself for how the skids turned out, I do however believe I had a hand it in, what ever that may be. It is personally ,for myself ,foolish and naïve to think I didn’t have any influence over their decisions right or wrong, I was there for the majority of their upbringing and children learn from their “parents”, we are their primary teachers. Therefore I do have to take some responsibility in where they are now, not full responsibility but I did have something to do with it.

With the way social media works today a lot of kids believe they attain celebrity status with ease, that was happening when my skids were growing up, both have had the idea they would be famous but never wanted to put the effort in. I actually took SD26 to a photoshoot once years ago when I need to get new headshots done ( yes I am an actor as well, no you haven’t seen me in anything lol), I wanted her to see just a slice of what I had to do to simply chase a dream without any real fulfillment, it was a long hard day and I don’t think she learned a thing. Sadly she never had any talent ( I actually can act, and still get paid for it from time to time) but still expected that somehow she would be discovered lol

SD20 did some TV and radio production classes in high school and actually showed some proficiency in it, my BIL is an Emmy award winning sports producer and he offered to have her come and learn from him the next time he was working close to us, she barely even looked at him when he proposed it let alone took him up on the great offer, for me it was terribly embarrassing.

The thing is, the past is

The thing is, the past is exactly that: The Past. We're human, we're flawed, and we make mistakes. We can reflect on it and agonize over it, but it changes nothing. If we effed up in a major way, we can apologize and try to make amends. If we're not allowed to make amends, at least we tried. We learn from our mistakes and move forward, trying to be a better version of ourselves. {{{Hugs}}}

Honesty/Authenticity and Protectiveness

If I can't be honest about my feelings or thoughts, it drives me crazy. I'm direct in conversation, even with children. It drove me nuts not to be able to tell SD's what I really thought about their mother, their upbringing, etc, for fear that SO would lose custody. It made me extremely anxious not being able to be myself in the home.

The second thing is protectiveness of my loved ones, which also extends to any weaker person. My willingness to speak up for others would make me a prime candidate for that show "What Would You Do". Recently, I put my minor cousin in a headlock (playfully) because he wouldn't stop talking to his mom - my aunt - disrespectfully. I especially cannot tolerate children talking to adults like they are equals. As long as you have to pay for someone to live, you deserve a modicum of respect, and the skids showed zero.

Now, looking back, I bit my tongue in half and never showed the skids how angry I was about this --- they only saw me as kind and still miss me (from what I hear). My lack of patience around these two issues made steplife suffocatingly difficult, and I probably could have stuck it out a little longer... but on the other hand, my leaving forced exSO to change the way he dealt with his children, so maybe it was for the best.

I don't do enough self-care.

I don't do enough self-care. I don't look after myself enough. I don't eat right and I'm carrying an injury that prevents me from doing the things I love and I haven't pushed aggressively enough to get it fixed.

I don't push my son hard enough. I have been quite lazy with him in some ways. I was in an awful marriage - abusive - and it made me a shell of myself. I've been coming back from it but it's hard. With my SO's help, I'm becoming a much better parent. I lost ALL my confidence in the latter years of the marriage, I was shattered as a person. I used to be really driven and ambitious and I haven't found that in myself again yet and I miss it. I let too much slide. I fear confrontation.

I'm in the best relationship of my entire life right now and I'm grateful every day. I worry I will take it for granted.

On the step-parenting front, I'm sure I have my flaws, but I think I'm actually a good step-parent. Sometimes I think I'm better at step-parenting than parenting - no, I'm sure I am - and that kinda sucks in its own way.

I think you

Can only mold kids from 0 to 10 or 11. What ever is put into there minds, stays there at that age. All teens go off track but you hope as they get older. That old values come back. After 12 you can not change them, unless they want to change. So if you have older SK. There is nothing you can do except force them to move out on there own.

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