Consider the idea that someone contacts you tomorrow saying they are your half-brother. They can tell you enough about your dad that it seems possible. They tell you they’ve been trying for years to find you. That they’ve felt this missing part all their life.

Now picture them dead.

Every possibility is gone. Every chance vanished. On top of it you’ll never know. Your dad will never know. No one will ever know.

My dad was used by a woman to get pregnant. She hid it from him. He entered the army then met my mother. Had me and moved half way across the country. Sometime after that he found out she had a son, that the kid looks a lot like him and that his birthday makes it possible but he didn’t do anything.

And when he could it was too late. The kid died as a teen in a car accident. He wouldn’t tell my mom who exactly but I figured it out enough.

And it hurts. Every day to think about this person who MIGHT have been my brother.

So when I say this it comes from that place.

I would never condemn a man who jumps like yours has. I would expect my partner to be there yesterday if there even a chance. I would cancel any plans we had to make that happen because I think everyone in my family would understand. The idea that there was someone out there that was hidden from us for so long. That was trying to find us and couldn’t. I couldn’t wait to welcome them into our family.  

I can understand waiting on the DNA test and you should but I can understand every bit of excitement he feels. She has to of told him something that makes it possible.

Their DH's reconnected with adult daughters and formed unhealthy obsessions. At least one appeared to be somewhat sexually attracted to his daughter. Another poster said this is a not uncommon syndrome and it is called "Genetic Sexual Attraction." It is an overwhelming sexual attraction that can develop between adult relatives when they meet for the first time as adults. Google it and you will find lots of information.

Here is a link to a discussion about it on this site - https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/adult-stepchildren/found-step-d...

Try and not worry until you get the DNA results. Then have a serious talk with you DH and see if you can talk some sense into him. Protect yourself financially.

I wouldn't worry about it at all right now, the DNA test is still out and who knows if he really is the father. Teenagers can be quite permiscuous, maybe the birth mother drew a random name out of the hat for who the dad could be.  If he is then great, fly away and meet your long lost daughter honey, meanwhile continue with your own plans and live your life as before.  

DH has told me several times that he may have a long lost daughter out there.  He was dating an older woman when he was a teen then she suddenly disappeared.  Later he heard that she had moved back East and that she had had a daughter. He automatically assumes it's his and spins this story that he has a daughter.  DH has never persued finding this maybe daughter I think he just likes to brag about his virality as a teen and the idea/fantasy that he knocked up an older woman.  *Yawn* whatever has been my attitude about the whole thing. He actually got mad at me that I wasn't excited and encouraging him to find her. 

The explosion of people finding "matches" to their long-lost families via DNA testing is a Pandora's box, IMO.   There have been many articles and TV shows about how it can either be a blessing, or a curse.   There have been many people who have been disappointed by being found and others who wished they had never looked.

While you and your DH may be given advice to think positively about this woman, I would suggest keeping a close check on your emotions, current family commitments, and especially finances.  Go slowly.   

Even if she turns out to be one of the blessings, it will take time to solidify a true and meaningful relationship with her.  And your DH must face the very real emotions his current bio and adopted kids will feel about her entering their lives.

Good luck!  This is a tough one to face, especially since you are still relatively new (3 years) into the stepworld.

Wow, I feel for you. You're taking it better than I would. I'm not sure I could hang in for the inevitable rollercoaster ride that's coming.

I'm wondering if your husband will chill regarding her after he visits her. Maybe the newness is overwhelming now, but after they meet, he will take it down a few notches and be more like he was before this *blessing* came into your lives.

You can't change how he reacts -- what will happen will happen. But I would watch that bank account like a hawk. Not one penny goes there without your consent. Everything else is up for grabs because you can do nothing about it, but your financial future and security are very much your business and it can't be jeopardized by one partner.

I wish you well and I hope this works out. It can't be easy.

Money grab alert!

Get to an attorney and get your financial security protected before this gets out of control.

*

From a supporting DH perspective you may consider sitting him down to review the current obligations and in alignment with your obligations scheduling a visit for both of you to meet the potential new SD and GSkids .... if... and that is a big IF... a DNA relationship is established by a credible laboratory service.

It will likely take your measured pragmatic participation to help DH navigate this in a way that respects and preserves your marriage.

My DH would be just as obsessive as your DH. I'd almost step back to watch the trainwreck just to see the reaction from SD and SS, who are quite sure they are each, individually, the center of the universe.

But my DH would be open to my concerns and he would hear what I had to say. He would recognize his obsessiveness when I pointed it out and tone down his response, even if jiggling on the inside.

Changing preexisting plans is a great big no-go. That tells everyone else that they are not as important as this new, shiny bright person. He's setting himself up for some hurt if he abandons existing plans in favor of someone new.

with dna testing all the rage people get stupid when they discover long lost relatives.  things are rarely rosy.  just because a person is blood related does not mean a thing.  many of these relatives are out to scam.  i know the long lost child wants to know her father but your dh should be cautious about the timing of this appearance.  you dhs obsession is unhealthy.
 

He may be reacting out of guilt - wanting to make up for lost time - or whatever. But he needs to be told “honey I understand your excitement over your possible long lost daughter and I’ll be supportive but not at the expense of our marriage. We had plans as a family that I expect you to keep. Any other plans going forward need to be discussed as a married couple first and foremost.”

He may need to hear this since he probably feels overwhelmed right now.

Duplicate 

To me, as with most things, this is simple. OP needs to confront her DH’s behaviors when he oversteps the bounds of reasonableness.  She needs to keep him grounded in reality and be cautiously supportive.  

If this adult serially breeding previously unknown SD is legit, non toxic and reasonable then the OP needs to remain cautiously supportive.  Any deviation from reasonableness and OP and her previously known  SKids and DH’s family need to reign him in hard.

Keep it simple.  Confront any unreasonable behaviors from new SD or DH.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

This situation will end up one way or another: either the DNA will prove she is in fact his BD, or it will not. Think "flow chart." If one thing happens then this will happen. If another, then a different outcome will emerge.

I have read all the posts, and feel it is wrong for DH to move heaven and earth, whether it is driven by guilt or not, cancelling plans with his factually KNOWN family.

Curiously, should this new "nugget" end up not being DH's BD , who will be there to pick up the pieces with him? HIS WIFE. That's right, the very one he is throwing in the backseat for this "possible" long, lost glory days roll in the hay bi-product.

Interesting that she suddenly found him and has kids in tow. I'm with Rags on this all the way...lock up the bank accounts. Emotionally driven decisions can cloud thinking in a big, and irreversible way.

As a person who has other half siblings (BF, whom I never knew or had a relationship with BS) who have "found me" , let me say (though this is a child and not a sibling situation, the surprise /shock element is similar), it is not always "hats and horns' and cause for celebration. One of my "siblings" had a rap sheet longer than my arm. He thought we were going to hug, and sing Kumbaya and walk off into the sunset, living happily ever after. I put a screeching halt to that notion, as I was raising my children, had completed multiple college degrees and had a great marriage and stable career. I had all of that to consider. We talked less than an hour, and wrote a few  letters to one another, and he already had himself moving in with us and was planning his future. This was back in the late 1990's before all the Ancestry DNA technology. My choice was to put him in my rearview mirror, and I have never looked back.

You're in my heart and I'm hoping you can make DH understand things from your perspective.

This  “ OMG How wonderful that I have a child” is so foreign to me.  In my youth a man who fathered a child after a short eff fest or ONS went to great efforts to deny paternity.  Despicable but common. Pre DNA many a man gathered up his buddies to also claim that they had slept with the mother so no one could be held responsible.   It was disgusting and unfair  -  but what I am just amazed about is the change from how to I get out of this to wow I have a child I must adore.