Why do I have to ask over and over?
Long-distance relationship now for 6+ years. We met when we had already-established jobs in different places. Really can't move any closer than an hour away. Because of work schedules can only see each other about once a week.
He has 4 SD who (lovely) all live within an hour of him and whom he sees about 4 times a month, spending at least 8-10 hours each time just hanging out at their houses or them at his. New grand-daughter to boot.
A lot of our relationship in-between is texting and calling. I look forward to a phone call each evening around 5:30.
But .... when he is with his kids no phone call at all until hours later when he is leaving their houses. I know that doesn't seem like much, but each time his reasons for not calling are ---> making sandwiches with his daughter, putting up lights, playing with his daughter's dog, painting chairs with his daughter and afterwards "having conversation," didn't want to call me because his daughters would think it would be "weird" if he stepped out of the house to make a phone call (that one was Christmas Eve and his ex was even over at the house).
He has told me in the past that when he talks to me I am taking time away from the time he could be spending with them.
It's a phone call. That's all.
Since we don't see each other that much, I really look forward to the phone call. But, when at his SD's, I feel totally ignored. I have asked repeatedly, " Can you just call or text me why you can't call?" He says, "Why don't you text me and ask for a call?" I think, "no, it would be like my calling to ask for you to show me that you care about me."
We've had repeated arguments about this - why can't he just do a small thing and make me happy?
Or, am I making too big a deal of it and should just let go of it. He says, "I'm not perfect." Should I shut up and accept his imperfection?
Thank you thank you to all and thank you to Steptalk.org!!!!
Believe him. He has show you
Believe him. He has show you who he is, believe him. You are not his priority.
My dh and I were long
My dh and I were long distance for a few years in the beginning. It is very hard and it's easy to feel lonely. Because of different time zones and his work schedule, our phone calls to each other had to be flexible. I think if you two want to make it work, a compromise can be met. He could send you a quick text, but you should be OK with a later phone call on a mere four days a month.
Also ...
Dang - that’s what I thought. Thank you!
This is a guy who 2 years into our marriage had an emotional affair with somebody he met online and almost met at a hotel when I was at home on my son’s birthday. They didn’t meet only because her flight was cancelled. He claims he felt uncomfortable about it the whole time anyways and was glad her flight was cancelled.
Right.
So the reason you really want
So the reason you really want him to call at about roughly the usual time and talk openly to you, is so you know where he really is and/or whoever else is there with him clearly knows the is a you?
I was about to suggest a quick mid-day text that he was of to one of his daughter's homes , but would give you a call afterwards. That way you would know he didn't forget, you wouldn't be sitting there waiting for it and could happily go about your eve ning expecting a later call. But , after what you just replied here with, that wouldn't do the situation any good as not calling at 5:30pm isn't really the problem.
Instead it's a trust issue. Four years ago he nearly cheated, and being an hour away, you don't trust him and he's never regained the trust you once had.
That's a whole other problem than not calling while busy with his daughters/grandchildren. I was about to tell you (based on the original posting above), that you were being needy and silly.... but there is a much larger problem here than feeling left out while he supposedly is visiting his kids and somehow a short phone would make everything all better for you. Becasue , now it's clear it wouldn't.
Long distance relationships
Long distance relationships are extremely difficult.... and they get hard to deal with fast. I’m surprised you guys have made it last as long as you have.
I was in one once, and I even found the phone thing hard- you are tied down fo being on the phone and unable to actually live life. It became cumbersome those 6:00 calls. I know they are needed in order to stay connected on some level, but they really wear you down (I found that anyways), and took a lot of real life living away. You must feel the same to some degree?
Is there any way you guys can make it so you are not long distance anymore?
I always tell my husband he
I always tell my husband he need not call me when he's with his daughter or his family across the country. He doesn't see them often and his focus should be on them. He does go for days or weeks at a time, but he always calls me anyway.
But I live with my husband, so there's a difference. And my husband hasn't had an emotional, near affair. That's a big difference.
This looks more like a trust issue than a phone call or text issue.
That affair might be more at play than a phone call or text four times a month, which might just be a symptom of the affair. Did you work through the affair at the time or did everything just go back to "normal" without much discussion?
The tug of war you're having over the text/phone call is probably you wanting assurance because that affair is still fresh in your mind, and him wanting to deny you that assurance is because, to him, the affair is ancient history. All he's seeing is someone who can't not hear from him for 8 hours. It does look petty without the framework of the affair behind it.
If this rings true to you, be honest and tell him this isn't about 8 hours with no contact -- this is about that affair. Tell him it still stings and whether he knows it or not, that near affair is still playing a role in your relationship.
If he's decent and takes responsibility, he should expect he might have to do some things he doesn't think necessary to rebuild trust. And that might mean sending a simple text he deems unnecessary to put your mind at ease.
Long distance is tough and long distance without trust is maddening. Don't let him off the hook for what nearly happened (and given why it didn't happen, it might as well have been a full-on affair). Don't let him play you as needy and unreasonable. Make him own what he did and make him understand the impact it still has on your relationship.
If I'm wrong, just ignore all this!
Of course, the problem is he
Of course, the problem is he doesn't link the affair at all with the not calling to make me happy. You would think that after an affair he would be sensitive to my wanting communication, but .... that would be asking too much apparently.
Sad.
Yes, of course he doesn't.
Yes, of course he doesn't. What a baby he is!
He wants that to be ancient history because he's probably tired of hearing about it.
At the same time, you stayed with him, so you have to bear some of the discomfort of his affair too. That history can't just go away. That's why affairs end marriages.
If you're in, you have to be in all the way, in spite of the discomfort because being half in will tear you apart in the long run. Maybe that affair is just too much for your marriage to bear, especially because he doesn't give it the weight in the present that you do. I guess I'm saying at some point, you must trust him, even if it shakes you to the bone.
He could have another affair and still call you every hour. You must know that on some level or you wouldn't be so worried about this current issue. Really, he could be in a hotel every time he texts you. So you already have trust that you may not realize. Choose to trust more or consider leaving. It must be painful to suspect and worry and wonder all the time. So choose a path and go with it. You deserve some relief from his mistake.
screw that, I'm not even in a
screw that, I'm not even in a long distance thing, but F(maybe?)DH goes over to see his daughter at his mom's house on weekends and ignores me the entire time. I'm not calling for a reason, I don't have something important to say, but any other time I call him, he answers, I don't understand why its always when he's at his mother's house I get ignored. I don't care who he is with, I want to feel like he misses me, thinks about me, and not that I just don't exist. It has nothing to do with his kid, I wouldn't tolerate this anywhere, except work if he had a job where he couldn't answer his phone. He is glued to his phone every time we're together, and answers every call from his daughter or his mother (important or not) when we're together, I expect the same. It's just a matter of principle and how it makes me feel, and I have this fight with him literally every time he goes over there. I'm about ready to throw in the towel, personally. It's a losing battle.
He doesn't call you because
He doesn't call you because he doesn't want to. He has "better" things to do. Accept the facts. Quit trying to argue him into caring. He doesn't care.
Maybe I'm not just imagining it!
there is the trust issue, but also ...
Because we're long-distance and see each other only about maybe 8 days out of the month, the other 22 I really look forward to the 5:30 pm phone call.
The only (really!) time he doesn't do this is when he's with his kids. There is the "are you really there?" trust issue, but also the "oh, sorry, he was making sandwiches/playing with the dog/painting chairs" excuses. Then, I don't get a phone call until 3 or 4 hours later when he's left. Like he can't talk to me when he's with them.
We've had this discussion multiple times, but it's the same no-call every time.
So, maybe I am needy? If so, I will complain no more.
Been there, done that....
Been there, done that.... just get out. Trust me, you will feel sooooo much better.
Long distance should be temporary- and it is impossible with someone who has cheated.
There are millions of men out there, find someone local. The fact that he cheated before makes it so much worse: and cheaters are all the same, they are always the ones who aren’t consistent with calling, and are always the ones not willing to comply with what would make you feel better.
My long distance ex before DH was the exact same way.... my DH is polar opposite.... he would never ever ever cheat, and he always calls, always reaches out... I have never once had this problem with him!!! Even if his phone is dead he will find a way to call. I personally am not a big phone person, but I do still think it says a lot about a person.
How many times a month are we talking about?
You said four kids four times a month. Is this four times a month total, or four times a month for each kid? If it were four times a month total, I would cut him some slack. Now I'm not taking into consideration the trust issue which is a separate matter.
My DH and I don't have a permanent long-distance relationship but being in the military I am gone for extended periods of time. We do like to talk nearly every day when I am away but I understand that it's not always possible if one of us has other plans or if work interferes.
If he visits his kids total 4
If he visits his kids total 4 days a month then it’s perfectly acceptable that he is focused on kids those 4 days and doesn’t call you at exactly 5:30pm. I don’t think it’s reasonable or realistic to demand phone calls at exact same time every single day a month.
If you worry that he cheats and you have reasons for mistrusting him, then that’s completely different issue. And that issue cannot be resolved by him calling you every day at 5,30 pm. You know that he could call you at 5:30’ and then be in someone else’s bed at 6:30 like every day if that’s what he wanted?
Why are you with this man? He lives too far, he isn’t faithful and you don’t trust him?