I MESSED UP BIG TIME, and my son won't forgive me
I'm a single dad who has sole custody of my bs15. His mother took off when he was around 3 years old, so it's been just me raising him. He's smart, athletic, kind, caring, compassionate. He also tends to me blantly honest (almost to the point where is sounds rude).
When he was 12, I started dating my second wife. I knew it would be a major change for him, so I did tell him if at anytime he feels uncomfortable with anything just to let me know, and we'll work on it. My wife and my son DID NOT get along at all. It literally was a war zone at in my house, and I was always the middle man between the two. That being said, when my son was wrong, he was punished, and when my wife was wrong, I would send him away from us, so I could talk to her in private, so I wouldn't undermining her.
He came to me and told me he's doesn't like my wife, she's shady, manipulative, and wants to move back to Calgary (I moved to me closer to my wife). I told him that he doesn't have to like her, but he does have to respect her, and saying such things about my her wasn't going to be tolerated. I will never forget the look on his face. It was as if someone had died. I've never seen him look so sullen before. Later I did ask him, why he descided her as such; all he would say "no reason".
Couple of months ago, it came to light that my wife was having an affair with one of her co-workers......... I never felt so shamed in my life!. We are seperated and currently in the process of a divorce.
My son barley speaks to me, he acts as if I'm not around. I did ask him if he knew?, and he responded by saying "would you have believed me if I told you?". He says that I showed him how important he really is to me, and that his opnion means noting to me at all, and he doesn't trust me anymore.
I've apologized numerous of times, noting. I've taken us to family therapy, noting. He barley speaks to me if at all. I'm currently in the process of trying to get transfered in my company I work for, so we can move back to Calgary, but my son refuses to hear me out. He follows are of the rules of the house (does it chores, homework after school etc), but he barley looks at me.
I know a messed up, but I'm only human, and we all make mistakes. I am a good father that will always have his back. It hurts me, because we used to have such a good relationship, and now it's almost non-exsistent.
I would suggest you separate
I would suggest you separate the issues with your wife from your parenting. He's a kid and should not have been involved in any way with the drama going on in your marriage. You appologized for not listening to him now drop it. Quit groveling and parent. It sounds like there's some enmeshment going on with the way you are reacting to his behavior.
Welcome to the joys of having a teenager where they won't talk to you if they don't get their way. Remember to parent first, be a friend later, and keep your personal life and future dealings with women out of his life.
That's the thing though
there wasn't any drama going on our marriage except from my wife's and sons battles. She was sleeping with an ex of hers before we got married.
I do parent my son, I'm not a disney dad. He knows not to push the boundaires, otherwise there are consequences. It's just I don't know how to fix this
I'm sure you do parent your
I'm sure you do parent your son and are a loving father. Just the two of you for several years and assumably your son is an only child the two of you must be very close. I mentioned enmeshment before because the relationship between you and your son sounds like more one of equals rather than father and child. This is quite common with an only child dynamic and also in COD relationships. Being the *middle man* between your wife and son created a level playing field between them rather than your wife being treated like an adult and parent, she was demoted to more of a sibling role and of course the fighting ensued.
You said there wasn't any drama besides your wife and sons battles and her sleeping around. Well that's some high drama for a kid to be involved in! You were busy being "the middle man" between them when really you should have been a husband to your wife and a parent to your son. The kid will get over this if you let him and he'll start talking to you when he needs or wants something.
My unsolicited advice is to avoid moving another female in until after your kid is out of the house. You've got 3 ish years until he can fly the coop and go off to college. He's accustomed to being treated as an equal and in charge and it will create waves to bring another person into the home. It will be near impossible to change the dynamic you've put in place. Learn from this, take responsibilty for your part in it so better boundaries between your kid and personal life can be put in place going forward.
Thank you!!
I didn't even know what was going on until now. You really have opened by eyes.
Thank you so very much!
Your post is shocking.
I don't think I've ever read a post that so clearly shows what happens when a child has too much power...when the parent has been relegated to child status by his own child...the danger and wickedness of enmeshment.
Your son is manipulating you. And he's not a nice person.
Here's what's really happening:
You remarried, and like so many stepkids, your son hated that for reasons that had little to do with your wife...he hated it for the same reasons all skids hate it. She could have been Mother Teresa or the woman you married -- either way, he would have hated her.
But in your case, your wife did wrong, so now your kid is subtly suggesting he knew all along who she really was...that she was of poor character. What a lucky break for your kid! He can ride this to the bank with the guilt you're cooking up!
Wake up. Is your kid god? Is he omniscient? He didn't know. As they say, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. And it's sad that your own child would use this unhappy event to milk you like this. I hurt for you and your utter blindness to see reality through your pain.
Your son is a child. He is not wiser than you. He is not omniscient. HE'S A CHILD! He did not know your wife's character better than you. He's using the convenience of your wife's betrayal suggesting he knew all along because IT'S WORKING -- look at the words you use in your post: you're "ashamed," you "messed up BIG TIME," you've repeatedly apologized to a child for following your happiness. THINK ABOUT THAT.
Seriously...THINK ABOUT IT: you followed love, got hurt and now you have to make amends to...your child? For following your happiess??? WTF? That makes NO SENSE at all!
And now, on top of finding out your happiness is lost, your kid is manipulating you, kicking you even more when you're already down by taking advantage of your raw emotions to crawl through an opening YOU are giving him. He's not a nice kid. You should worry more about your son's lack of empathy for his own father than begging forgiveness you do not owe him.
Stop talking to your kid like he's your buddy. Why are you discussing your wife, sex, intimate details of your marriage and divorce with your child? You are giving him the power to judge you for your wife's indiscretion as if you feel you deserve to be flogged. She cheated on YOU, not HIM! You're putting him squarely in the middle of your marriage/divorce as if he's your friend. And he is not a friend to you, and if he were, he'd be a shitty friend to kick you while you're down and out. As it is, he's not a nice child.
Look at it like this: If he were a friend instead of your child, do you think he'd be kicking you when you're already down? No, he'd feel bad that you're hurting and your marriage failed. Even if "he told you so," your friend would feel sorry that he was right about your wife. You need to get yourself together and see your kid for who he is.
What you wrote screams that you are enmeshed with this kid in a very unhealthy way. You have become his child and he is your scolding parent. That is sick.
Please, do not date anyone before you go to therapy. Not only is it cruel to the women you date, you are only setting up yourself for more failed relationships when your child has this much power over you.
I know you said she cheated before you married. But do not discount the heavy burden your dysfunctional relationship with your kid put on your marriage. Enmeshment, manipulation, a parent treating his child like a friend, your son's willingness to make you pay for something you did not do to him...why would she want to stay in your marriage? Living with you and your kid and this dysfunction must have been a nightmare and such a disappointment to her.
You must be in so much pain from the divorce and now this betrayal by your child. Please give therapy a chance. It will be good for you, but even more, your kid needs it and he needs for you to set some boundaries that put him back in the child role and elevates you to the role of parent. Your kid isn't right.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I really feel for you.
Thank you for this
This was a real wake up call of me. I'm truly grateful for this. I didn't even realise what was going on until now.
Thank you so much!!
You are most welcome...and to
You are most welcome...and to be honest, I'm relieved you did not take my post as unnecessarily cruel or harsh. That is absolutely the last thing you need from a stranger.
I didn't find it cruel or harsh
If anything you were honest. I doubt he even notice how bad it had gotten until now. Criticism is ALWAYS a good thing, and it really helped the op
No. I found our comment to
be a real eye opener for me. I honestly don't know how to thank you!! I agree with Mrs. Marvel. You really opened me eyes
oops
duplicate post
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haha
I fully agree with this!!! He
I fully agree with this!!! He is using this as an opportunity to “show you who is boss”. Ummmm, nope!!!!
Your wife cheated, that is horrible... but your son had no clue!!! Also your kid doesn’t pick your spouse, judge your spouse or decide whether or not you have one. You are giving this kid WAY foo much power!!! Right now he is gloating because of your sadness, that is just sick behaviour on his part.
Also why did she cheat? Who knows it could have been that she was stressed in the situation with your son. It also could have been that your energy was split because of them fighting and she felt she wasn’t getting what she needed, or maybe because of the fighting in her head “well it won’t last and what have I gotten myself into?”. Cheating is never ok, but usually when it happens with women it usually is a self defense mechanism from what I have seen.
If you don’t nip it now with your kid and him thinking that he owns you and you owe him you are not moving forward on the right foot. You are going to end up with the same problems in your next relationship and the ones to follow.
He is a kid, he doesn’t decide your love life; nor your career, nor what car you drive or any adult decisions you make.
Well said, Notup...
I was also thinking the discord between this SM and son might have contributed to the adultery, but I didn't want it to seem as if I was defending it. You said it well.
Yes, don’t want to defend
Yes, don’t want to defend adultrh because it is never the answer.... but I have a pretty good hunch that was the catalyst.
Yep, I'm with the others. A
Yep, I'm with the others. A 15-year-old doesn't get to give his father the silent treatment in his home. Let him know his phone is gone and he can have it back when he starts treating you respectfully again.
15-year-olds are assholes under the best of circumstances, and this one has too much power.
Raising children by example
Raising children by example is my idea of doing the best you are able.
Your son is "15". He will come around. Keep on top of his teen years. Spend time with your son. You have said you are sorry, move forward by setting a good example, especially with your future love life; how were you to know? Listen very closely to your son`s concerns a bit closer in the future.
Don`t be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes in raising our children; you can fix this with patience. Stay here for support; you are going to need it. Good luck, it will pass with your efforts.
You are head of household, remind him that you have apologized and you intend to continue to have civility in "our home. Also tell him it comes with respect from both parties and you will uphold you part; he needs to do the same in all aspects.
UPDATE. I've talked to my son.
He came from hanging out with his friends and i told him we needed to talk. I sat him down and told him that either of us are going anywhere we've talked about things.
I first asked him why was he so angry? I told him I loved him and I want to get along, but what did i do to make him so angry? Even with my soon to be ex-wife, he was very reactive, the slighest thing would set him off. He broke down, that's when I know something is up. I have an MBA but I don't need a psychology degree to figure out that he's hurt and he was acting out due to anger.
I told me that when it was just me and him he felf normal and strong, but when I married my wife things changed. He felt invisble and unheard, he was jealous because I was spending more time with my wife, and he felt left behind. I was happy with my wife and he was basically alone. He didn't know what was going to happened in the future, and he felt that if we had more kids, i would pay more attention to the kids than him. I left him feelings felt weak, exposed, and lost.
My son really is a good kid, but he wasn't acting like himself.
He also said that I took advantage of him because I didn't talk to him first before proposing, and he was just supposed to accept it just like that. He goes to me, that even though he's a teenager and has friends, he still needs his dad.
I broke down too. I honestly didn't know he was feelings like this. I validated everything he was feeling because all of this is valid, and asked him why didn't he tell me about how we was feeling, sooner and he goes to me I was always with my wife and he barely got a chance to talk to be alone. That's where I screwed up , after I would come home work, i basically would just spend time with my wife, that's normal right, but It was never my intention to ignore him.
I also did in a way take it for granted that he would be happy for me because I'm his dad. He's not saying I needed his permission, but I should have just talked to him properly first and see where his head was at. That's also kinda were I messed up.
He apologized for how he was acting and I also apologized for my faults too. We did talk about respect and how he's the child and I'm the parent and how that's going to be. I also told him the next time he's feeling upset, to just talk to me instead of keeping it bottled up.
It was a productive day!. I'm looking for a therapist for myself and I'm consider putting him in therapy too. Maybe even try family therapy?
I'm glad the both of you talked
It sounds like he was very hurt by this whole thing;thereapy is probably a good idea to help him. It would do you some good too!
That's great news!
Ha, ha, ha! That'll be $25 co-pay, please!
I'm happy for you. It's great that your son can and will verbalize his emotions. You have a lot to work with. Please keep us posted!
Glad to hear a postive update
Glad to hear a postive update!
A word of advice from someone on the other side of the fence; your kid will never really be happy for you when you're in a new relationship. No matter how old he is, even if he's married and has his own kids, on some level he will always be jealous and threatened by the fact that someone else is gobbling up your attention and resources.
Yes he's a good kid. Your priority and responsibility, just remember that he is the kid and should be focused on kid things like graduating high school and preparing for college rather than obsessing over dad's love life. I don't know what you've decided with your current relationship but it's none of your son's business. Please keep him from any of the details of what's happening. If you're getting a divorce that's all he needs to know. Therapy is a great idea, vent there about your wife's cheating and behavior or blog here. Don't use your kid as an emotional crutch or a support through this difficult time.
He also said that I took
Ummm, yes. He is supposed to accept it just like that. By all means, inform the child of your intentions but talking to him about it? With what intent? Seeing his approval? You don't need it. I find myself wondering what would have happened it you'd talked it over with him beforehand and he'd said "over my dead body" or similar?
You must get your respective roles sorted out and fast. You are the father and he is the child - you are not buddies and trying to be buddies is not healthy for either of you.