For anyone who has been to counseling for step family issues, what were some things the therapist said that really resonated with you or made a big impact on your family?
There are some horror stories on here about bad therapists. I don't blame you for worrying.
Our therapist pretty much backed up all my complaints about SD, told my husband he needed to change his enmeshment with her or lose me, and gave him some ways to break his enmeshment with SD. She said he and SD were acting like the married couple and I was being treated like the child: they sat together on the sofa while I was across the room; they made plans and told me I was not invited, they
She told my husband he should NOT drop everything to answer every call from SD. She told him it's OK to let it go to voicemail and return SD's call when it's convenient for BOTH of us.
She told him when SD visits, he should sit on chairs rather than the sofa so 25-year-old SD is blocked from cuddling up to him like a wife.
She told him he should NOT lend my things to SD just because she asks him to borrow them, especially because SD had been hateful and aggressive to me.
The therapist told him SD should NOT have BM's mail forwarded to OUR house.
She told him SD is old enough to visit her extended family on her own rather than insisting on visiting when we do and then inevitably having a public meltdown targetting me and making everyone uncomfortable.
She told us visits with SD should be very short so there's less time for the tension to mount causing those meltdowns. Keep them short and easy to abandon if SD does meltdown.
She told us when SD asks something of him (for money, to borrow our cars, to take trips alone with him) he should automatically respond, "OK, well, let me check with Marblefawn and I'll let you know." He shouldn't be making plans or agreements with her without consulting me.
She told him SD should never sleep in our bed, even if we aren't there. Never. Ever.
The therapist told him he and SD can and should have alone time, but only when it doesn't infringe on time with me. That means not on our anniversary, not when it means leaving me alone in a hotel, and he shouldn't ONLY see her alone. He should consult with me before agreeing to see her alone and I should be fair about not getting in the way of their alone time if it's reasonable.
I can't say all this happened without him muffing it a few times. And it wasn't so much any one of these things that helped -- all of them sent a subtle but clear message to SD that she was not #1 calling the shots in our triangulated relationship. Combined, these things helped him put SD back in the child role and me into the wife role. He needed to hear that it was OK to let adult SD fend for herself or call others when she was feeling needy. He needed to hear someone else, a third party, a referee, tell him SD was edging me out because she was jealous and too demanding of him and he was giving in too much for our relationship to bear. He could never see this when I said it, but as soon as the therapist said it, he listened. He needed to do some things that helped wean her off being his surrogate wife and impose herself because he has a wife now.
This is exactly what my counselor told me when I laid out the dynamics that were going on between adult ss, DH and I. She was very concerned for my safety after hearing about then ss29's antics in our home that DH was doing nothing about. DH refused to go to counseling with me but it was the best thing I ever did for myself and our marriage.
Go to counseling, get a good feel for what the counselor is like. If they're awful or adult skid biased don't go back.
I just thought about one thing pur therapisf said about 3 or 4 separate times that honestly made me want to freak out.... we deal with an ultra high conflict (total niut case) BM- therapisf looked at DH amd said with a weird smile “do you think she wants you back?!”..... like wtf kind of comment is that?! I’m his WIFE who is here paying you money to deal with our lives being destroyed by this venomous sea monster.
Does it frickin matter why she acts how she does?! Yes I’m sure she would love to have him back to destroy his life further and then dump him.... how is this relevant to criminal charges against her and how do we feel safe in our home?
She is normally pretty good but that comment in its context just made me see red.
Though not for step family issues, this was during the demise of my first marriage, "You don't need to come to session any more. You are welcome to continue therapy of course but you don't need to be here. I would have never guessed when you walked in to this office 10mos ago that inside that hurting man who was struggling to save his marriage was this young man, full of energy and wonder, with a childlike zest for life. Go out there and live your life."
This was 2mos after my XW walked out of the session where we finally began discussion of the lack of intimacy in our marriage and a week before she moved out. I had a date the evening of the day she moved out.
I check in with Doc M. about once a year just to say thanks and to let her know my life has been very good since she booted me out of therapy to "live my life". I have had an amazing life, I have an amazing love, and I have not given one minute of that life to toxic assholes since my XW moved out 28 years and six months ago.
So... Live your life. No matter what you decide regarding your blended family adventure.
To make sure I protect myself
To make sure I protect myself. We have only done couples counseling.... she usually does a good job of putting things back into perspective for DH.
One thing DH always has said is “this impacts me more than ANYONE”.... and she said “Well no, it impacts your wife who shares your life just as much”.
I'm almost
I'm almost scared to go to counseling and have a bad therapist that convinces DH hes right. This post helps reassure me some.
There are some horror stories
There are some horror stories on here about bad therapists. I don't blame you for worrying.
Our therapist pretty much backed up all my complaints about SD, told my husband he needed to change his enmeshment with her or lose me, and gave him some ways to break his enmeshment with SD. She said he and SD were acting like the married couple and I was being treated like the child: they sat together on the sofa while I was across the room; they made plans and told me I was not invited, they
She told my husband he should NOT drop everything to answer every call from SD. She told him it's OK to let it go to voicemail and return SD's call when it's convenient for BOTH of us.
She told him when SD visits, he should sit on chairs rather than the sofa so 25-year-old SD is blocked from cuddling up to him like a wife.
She told him he should NOT lend my things to SD just because she asks him to borrow them, especially because SD had been hateful and aggressive to me.
The therapist told him SD should NOT have BM's mail forwarded to OUR house.
She told him SD is old enough to visit her extended family on her own rather than insisting on visiting when we do and then inevitably having a public meltdown targetting me and making everyone uncomfortable.
She told us visits with SD should be very short so there's less time for the tension to mount causing those meltdowns. Keep them short and easy to abandon if SD does meltdown.
She told us when SD asks something of him (for money, to borrow our cars, to take trips alone with him) he should automatically respond, "OK, well, let me check with Marblefawn and I'll let you know." He shouldn't be making plans or agreements with her without consulting me.
She told him SD should never sleep in our bed, even if we aren't there. Never. Ever.
The therapist told him he and SD can and should have alone time, but only when it doesn't infringe on time with me. That means not on our anniversary, not when it means leaving me alone in a hotel, and he shouldn't ONLY see her alone. He should consult with me before agreeing to see her alone and I should be fair about not getting in the way of their alone time if it's reasonable.
I can't say all this happened without him muffing it a few times. And it wasn't so much any one of these things that helped -- all of them sent a subtle but clear message to SD that she was not #1 calling the shots in our triangulated relationship. Combined, these things helped him put SD back in the child role and me into the wife role. He needed to hear that it was OK to let adult SD fend for herself or call others when she was feeling needy. He needed to hear someone else, a third party, a referee, tell him SD was edging me out because she was jealous and too demanding of him and he was giving in too much for our relationship to bear. He could never see this when I said it, but as soon as the therapist said it, he listened. He needed to do some things that helped wean her off being his surrogate wife and impose herself because he has a wife now.
Dang
I need to find one of those then. My SD is so sneaky and passive aggressive and sucks up so bad when hes around that he just cant see it. Ugh
"To make sure I protect
"To make sure I protect myself."
This is exactly what my counselor told me when I laid out the dynamics that were going on between adult ss, DH and I. She was very concerned for my safety after hearing about then ss29's antics in our home that DH was doing nothing about. DH refused to go to counseling with me but it was the best thing I ever did for myself and our marriage.
Go to counseling, get a good feel for what the counselor is like. If they're awful or adult skid biased don't go back.
I just thought about one
I just thought about one thing pur therapisf said about 3 or 4 separate times that honestly made me want to freak out.... we deal with an ultra high conflict (total niut case) BM- therapisf looked at DH amd said with a weird smile “do you think she wants you back?!”..... like wtf kind of comment is that?! I’m his WIFE who is here paying you money to deal with our lives being destroyed by this venomous sea monster.
Does it frickin matter why she acts how she does?! Yes I’m sure she would love to have him back to destroy his life further and then dump him.... how is this relevant to criminal charges against her and how do we feel safe in our home?
She is normally pretty good but that comment in its context just made me see red.
Though not for step family
Though not for step family issues, this was during the demise of my first marriage, "You don't need to come to session any more. You are welcome to continue therapy of course but you don't need to be here. I would have never guessed when you walked in to this office 10mos ago that inside that hurting man who was struggling to save his marriage was this young man, full of energy and wonder, with a childlike zest for life. Go out there and live your life."
This was 2mos after my XW walked out of the session where we finally began discussion of the lack of intimacy in our marriage and a week before she moved out. I had a date the evening of the day she moved out.
I check in with Doc M. about once a year just to say thanks and to let her know my life has been very good since she booted me out of therapy to "live my life". I have had an amazing life, I have an amazing love, and I have not given one minute of that life to toxic assholes since my XW moved out 28 years and six months ago.
So... Live your life. No matter what you decide regarding your blended family adventure.