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I Can't Have Sex with You Because I Can't Stand the Skids

onelife's picture

Submitted by onelife on Sat, 09/29/2018 - 1:58pm

So a couple days ago, it's the eve of DH going to see skids.  DH wants to have sex and usually I am more than game. But whenever it's skid time, well, it puts the skid marks on sex for me.   I just can't get into it and I am not in the mood at all.  I feel replulsed, angry, resentful and none of those feelings are conducive to having good sex. 

I have felt this way for years but two nights ago I finally said it!  DH hopped out of bed after continually trying to initiate sex.  He said I was making that up...that the skids were just an excuse or a manipulation.  He thinks I am taking our sex life, which is good and using it as a weapon against him and the skids. 

I'm not using it as a weapon.  It's how I feel and usually I just go ahead and have sex and get it over with.  I always detach some because I know DH is leaving me AGAIN to go see the skids AGAIN.  Some of it boils down to is my own insecurities. 

The way I see it is that BM and the skids get money every month. I don't.  DH and I don't keep a household together and we don't share money...cause he's a child with money.  

BM gets her trips with her boyfriend, free skid babysitting and CS money to spend.  I don't get to do trips often with DH cause he's always broke and alot of that is his behavior with money but I also blame BM and the skids for taking the money he does have.  (DH is always so depleted and stressed when he gets back from seeing the skids...then I have that to deal with and DH doesn't see the correlation between his depression and stress and the skid visits.  He was raised with the canned answer that children are the most important and magical part of life.  Yuck.

DH and I don't live together and honestly, becasue of the skids, I need it that way...but I still don't like it.  I resent that the skids exist to bring this crap into my life.  I never had to even think of stupid things like this before I married a man with kids.  But apart from the skid time, I am pretty satisfied with my marriage and no I don't really want to divorce and start over.  

I guess what it keeps coming down to is I can't be happy if I have to share my husband.  I got married to be married.  To have someone  as a companion, a help around the house, a financial contributor etc. 

So I hadn't seen DH in three weeks and then he comes to visit me and we go on a lake trip with friends.  Fantastic, but no sex on the trip cause it was so public.  We get back to my house in time for him to turn around in the morning and leave to be with the skids.  So he wants to get some and I don't.  I don't want to be that convenient for him and I don't want sex to be so cheap and have to be penciled in.  So for the first time in my marriage, I said no to sex.  When he probed for an explanation, I told him, it's the skids.  Sue me.

That all being said, I am rearing to go the moment he tells me he's dropped off the skids at BMs and he is free. 

 

I need some serious help on the issues surrounding this.  I know I shouldn't be in a marriage with skids...but I am.  I like my DH and our life...without the skids.  I got my way and I don't see the skids at all anymore and they don't come to my house.   I have 6 more years until the skids age out and honestly, I feel as though I could tolerate that being that I don't have to see them...if DH made me feel like I have more unity with him than BM...that I get more from him than BM/skids...and I want to feel like I am the priority.  Typically I am the priority but I want BM to know it. For example, I want her to just know that certain dates are ALWAYS off limits for skid visits (my birthday, anniversary etc).  I also expect DH to run visitation by me first (we've rarely done that). I want to "approve" the visiting schedule because I HATE just being told what is going to happen without any input.

Thanks for your help.

Comments

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 09/29/2018 - 2:13pm

I honestly don't know how that man puts up with all of this.  

He keeps accommodating you, but you keep tossing out roadblocks. 

Sooner or later he's going to say enough and walk away.  There are women out there that will not give him hell about having children.  There are women who won't make him live elsewhere because they don't want to be around his children.

Your relationship sounds like a friends with benefits arrangement and not a marriage.

You keep aaying you don't want a divorce, but the things you say/do would push most normal men towards divorce.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 09/29/2018 - 2:17pm

I think you need to end this relationship and find a man without kids. As much as I understand the stress of being around stepkids, you can't erase them completely from his life when he's with you - they are his kids.  Even when they are adults, he's going to be communicating with BM and dealing with kid stuff. He's done everything possible to separate that from you, short of just walking away and having nothing to do with them altogether.  Yet, it still upsets you, the very thought that he has to go see them the next day.

Do both you and him a favor and end this.  I too am not quite sure why he puts up with this arrangement.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Sat, 09/29/2018 - 4:53pm

 What are you getting out of this relationship? A broke childish man who comes every few weeks for sex?  

"Cause he sounds like a drag."  -Rizzo (Grease)

STaround's picture

Submitted by STaround on Sat, 09/29/2018 - 5:16pm

I hope this is fake, otherwise this is crazy.   You have unreasonable expectations.  You are very childish if you care what she thinks.  If you dont want him taking visitation on your birthday or anniversary, the person to speak to is him.  

Areyou's picture

Submitted by Areyou on Sat, 09/29/2018 - 6:10pm

He’s BMs whipping boy. And sounds like you don’t like being around his kids. Time to end it.

I don’t live with DH and his kids either because His kids are poorly behaved. I’m not just saying that because somehow I don’t like them. Their poor upbringing was reaffirmed today when we went to his dads house to meet the cousins and the other grandchildren. All the kids were around the same age but his two were the rowdiest and rude of the bunch.

i feel you. I hate having sex with DH when he acts like a grass eating boy.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Submitted by SacrificialLamb on Sat, 09/29/2018 - 7:22pm

I thought you had driven an RV all over the country, found a better life and your happiness, and were leaving him? Why are you back in a situation that made you unhappy?

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Sat, 09/29/2018 - 8:29pm

I get the sex thing. And for him to say it's an excuse for something else is unfair.

I'm not surprised that he doesn't get the sex thing. Men can be half dead, famished, broken and miserable and they still want sex because it mechanical. For women, it's emotional. Men never understand that.

I lived apart from my husband for the first three years of our marriage because we both had houses and jobs in different cities. SD caused some problems then. When I moved into his house, SD caused many problems, even though she didn't live there. For several years, we lived on a different continent than SD. She still caused problems in our marriage.

If you're living apart and disengaged from the skids, there's not much more you can do to erase their impact on your marriage. I take that back...you could try counseling. I think it helped us to a degree.

Now I count down the days until he retires and we can move out of the country again.

Dontfeedthetrolls's picture

Submitted by Dontfeedthetrolls on Sat, 09/29/2018 - 9:48pm

Ummm no. There's too much going on here to say things are good except when the list is a mile long.

Listen I understand and people here would say I have no room to talk about staying with a man who's less than prefect but really. 

If the thought of his children is that repulsive then I don't think it's good to be with him at all. You're only with half of him and your demanding he keep the other half away. It's not healthy and in the long run I think you'll look back and wish you hadn't wasted so much time.

secret's picture

Submitted by secret on Sun, 09/30/2018 - 6:43pm

I think i can understand what you mean... And sometimes i feel the same way.

If ss is acting up, and dh deals with it, if he hasn't dealt with it "enough" in my opinion, part of me feels disgusted that he's been manipulated by a child, and any mojo is gone gone gone.

For example... Last week ss was being a total pain in the butt about eating dinner. He was watching cartoons while i was cooking... The usual routine is, when dinner is ready, everyone sits around the table for a family dinner. Ss didn't want to eat. I'm not one to force a child to eat...but i will force that child to sit with the family anyway, because it's family time. This usually works out great, it's an hour or so we all talk and have fun etc... Exceptions obviouslyfor circumstances like illness, etc... Anyway, ss threw a fit because he wanted to watch cartoons instead. 

While dh handled it by dorcing ss to sit with everyone else, ss continued to be a littke shit to the point where I took my plate and left the table - something I havent done in the last 6 months or so. I went to the garage to chill until they all finished and scatteres, so i coukd go back and finish my plate in peace. I lit a smoke.

After my smoke, one of my daughters came out and handed me a half glass of wine... And I had to laugh because I'm not a big drinker - but when I'm this frustrated, I've been known to have a glass. Guess she picked up on that. Lol... I ask her if they're all still eating and she says no, just my husband... 

So I go back inside with her, and my dh is still sitting at the table, alone... My other kids are gone...and ss is back watching cartoons.

I sit with dh and say... "So, you let ss have gis way?" He says no... Ss sat until the ithers finished... I asked if they actually finished, or if they all decided they were done and packed their leftover... He just looked at me... So i said I think there are cookies and gold stars in the pantry...and walked away.

He outs ss to bed not long after (it's like 7:30) at this point and comes back down and strongly hints at wanting sex..  I told him flat out that any mood I jad was gone, because I was kind of diaguated that he allowed ss to get away with being a turd. He didn't quite understand how until i broke it down...but i digress - point is, i also get turned off when it comes to ss and dh and their interactions at times.

I think its just the way you explained yourself makes it seem like you're jelly that your dh pays more attention to bm and skids... Rather than you being turned off by the way your dh acts when it comes to skids.

Maybe I'm wrong.