Most weddings I've been at lately have only the bride, groom, and attendants at the top table. Then there's a parent table (or two) for each side. My nephew and his bride had four parent tables. No need to sit with the ex.

Don't worry about pictures. If they ask you to be in one, do so. But they may not. If you look at my SD's album, that DH paid for, you wouldn't know I was actually at the wedding. While I was in some of the proofs, I'm not in any that made it to the album (even the only picture of her grandmother didn't make it to the album because I'm in it).

Whether or not you will be invited depends on how she wants to present herself to the rest of the family and whether she believes that DH would not go without you.

I get wanting to miss the wedding. I didn't want to go. I went to support DH. I convinced my adult kids to go in support of DH. I pasted on a smile and made it through the night. 

In the US, parents generally do not sit with the bride and groom at the reception. At the ceremony, the parent is was most responsible for raising the bride or groom (usually but not also the mother) gets dibs on the front row, and sits there with his or her SO.  If the all get along, the other parent and SO can sit there too.  If not, the other parent sits in the second or third row.  I have seen where the other parent sits at the far side of the front row.

Given you are not close to the bride, I would not expect a flower.  As to pictures, it would be nice if they got one shot of the bride and groom with you and DH, but that may not happen.  

In some weddings, both parents give the bride away.  Jews generally have both parents give both the bride and groom away, and stand with them during the ceremony. 

My husband's son (34) has been living with his GF for almost 4 years.  They have a 3 year old child.  They claim to be "engaged" but have never made any plans to get married.  If the GF has half a brain she will never marry that loser/user.

But should they ever marry I would not go to the wedding.  I doubt if I'd be invited - but DH would probably claim that I was invited.  All of DH's siblings and families would probably attend although most of them have not seen him since he was a teen.

I remember the times they stopped by to see DH and stayed out in the front yard.  They even sent DH in to get my dog so the GF could meet MY dog - but not me.  They literally do not exist in my world so I can't imagine any circumstance where I would go to their wedding.

DH and I are both retired.  DH has a very, very limited income.  He really doesn't have money to give them for a wedding.  I could see loser/user SS trying to cozy up to me thinking that I (as a childless woman) might want to participate in planning (and funding) a wedding.  Nope - not going to happen.

Daddy is paying, daddy says what goes.  SD can either comply or not get the money.

Keep it simple.

Regardless you should go to the wedding. Be radiant, hit your favorite salon, boutique and rock your peak radiance on your DH's arm.  Cockroaches scurry when a light is thrown on in a dark room. Be the light. The roaches will scurry.

Never abdicate your position as your DH's equity life partner, your position on his arm or he on yours. Beam your happiness and contentment with your life and marriage.

SD should not have any say or influence on that ever under any circumstance. 

IMHO of course.

SD is notorious for not communicating with her father, and her wedding lead-up was no exception.  Because my SO is a wimp when it comes to "confronting" SD about anything, he did not even want to ask her what the plans were for him (nor me).  His idea was, "We'll just take it as it comes." 

This meant I walked into the event with absolutely no knowledge of what was going to transpire.  None whatsoever.  

Although the event was held at a large wedding reception facility with a supposed wedding planner from the facility assisting, the whole thing was a disorganized mess.  The wedding planner was a joke and didn't even bother to do basics.    

Of course, that's probably because BM was involved in the wedding planning.  BM is notorious for being an incompetent and procrastinator.  She showed up a mere 30 minutes before the wedding to pin up some of her home-made floral decorations (which were horrid) and then rushed off to change into her clothes.  Her hair, however, was still in a dirty, sweaty mess clamped on top of her head.  She affixed a rhinestone clip because I think she believed people wouldn't notice that her hair was dirty and unkempt.  But I digress...

As for flowers, BM of course had her corsage and so did grandmother of the bride.  My SO had a boutainnaire (sp?).  I had nothing in the way of a flower nor did I expect anything.  

BM is a passive aggressive POS and she phonily acted like she didn't know where SHE was supposed to sit for the brief ceremony.  While my SO was "backstage" waiting to walk his daughter down the aisle, BM tried to get me to sit in the front row first seat, while she said she and her new husband were going to sit in the second row behind me.  I can only imagine the snide remarks that BM's friends would have made if I had done that.  I protested and told her that as mother of the bride, she gets first row, first seat, then her husband next to her, and we'd sit next to them.   (I sat next to her husband so we were "buffers" between my SO and BM.)  BM had a formal wedding when she married SO, so she knew damn well where she was supposed to sit.   So I foiled her little passive-aggressive tactics.  

Next issue was photos after the ceremony.  Since the wedding planner was clueless, she yelled out "Bride's family - time for photos!" and she didn't realized the bride's parents were divorced.  Thankfully, my SO took just one photo of him and BM with bride (which is fine - the bride should have a photo with her parents) and they stood on either side of her.  Then my SO told photog to hold off on any more, since he wanted to have a photo of me and him with the bride and he called me over to take a photo with the bride.  Note that SD was not the one to ask me to come for a photo, my SO was.  

That was the only photo I was in - one of me, SD and my SO.  The groom wasn't in it nor was anyone else in the wedding party.  

Of course, there were quite a few photos taken of BM and her NEW husband of 3 weeks with the bride alone, with the bride and groom, with the entire wedding party, with extended family, etc.  I've known SD for half her life and I am glad I knew enough abouther to have no expectation that should would actively do anything to make me feel included whether it was photos or anything else - it's beyond her.  

As for the reception, the bride and groom sat at a small table by themselves.  BM, her husband, her grandmother and some other of BM's assorted family friends sat at front-and-center table.  Next to them was a table with the groom's family members.  We were seated at a table on the other side with a couple who were the parents of one of the groom's friends.  They were the only other people at our table; the rest were no-shows.   All the other tables were full of SD/groom's friends and coworkers. 

When the photographer came around she just took photos of SO and I sitting at the table like we were just regular guests.  At no point did she ask if we wanted a "nice" photo of the two of us together.  At this point, she certainly knew my SO was the father of the bride and he was there with me.   She did, however, take many photos of the groom's extended family - including group family shots.  

Next up was the father/daughter dance.  The photographer went out and got a couple of shots of my SO and SD dancing.  She did her best acting job of "crying" prettily while she danced with her dad.  Whatever.   

For what it's worth, my SO gave his daughter a huge check to use as she wished for her wedding.  Of course, she never bothered to ask or include him in any of the planning, and as I mentioned, he was too wimpy to ask as he was afraid it might spook her. 

I guess my only advice is to do the minimum you can when it comes to the wedding, and don't expect anything.  

My SO gave SD more than 3x what your DH proposes to give your SD.  

TBH I would not care if my DH wanted to go to his son's wedding.  SS would almost certainly ask DH to be his best man as SS doesn't have a single friend.  That would be between them.  DH has a tux so he wouldn't really have to spend any money to go be best man.  It would be local so no travel expenses either.

But I still would have ZERO interest in going whether invited or not. BM made a horrible choice when she did not let DH know about their older son's funeral - but I will give her credit for not trying to intrude in our life.  Her husband is pretty controlling and does not want BM to have anything to do with DH - which I understand as BM and DH have been divorced for decades and SS has long been an adult.  I've never met him - but he and I are probably on the same page with that.  There would not be any "BM and DH" together crap at a wedding for SS.

I don't give a sh*t what the GF's parents and family members would think about my not attending.

I'm glad you asked your question. Finally, I can say going to SD's wedding has paid off -- I can now impart what I learned about going to a wedding at which you're not really wanted.

I dreaded the day SD announced her engagement...unsure if I would be invited, how I could endure it if I was...but none of that mattered because when SD got engaged, she was suddenly my best friend. I had more emails and phone calls from her in that year of planning than the entire 20 years I've known my husband.

I was surprised and flattered when she asked me to help with her planning. I couldn't believe it! We were finally turning a corner. I busted my ass for that wedding because finally she was accepting me and we were forging the relationship I always wanted with SD!

I wrote and edited the invitations. I spent a day addressing all the invitations. I consoled her when BM was demanding ridiculous things. I backed her up when she cried that she didn't want to invite her junkie cousin. I poured over countless photos and ideas SD forwarded to me. When her seamstress fell through at the last minute, I pulled some strings and got her in with the best in our area for her dress alterations. She asked me to do all the centerpieces, bouquets and boutonieres, which I did -- not from store bought flowers -- no...after flying across the country to the wedding venue, I had to collect all the greens and flowers from a garden the day before the wedding -- how quaint for me!!! I got all the balloons, wrote the directional signs and tended to my mother in law, who fell the day before and needed a professional makeup artist to cover the black and blue, but all she got was me.

I was actually happy to have something to keep me busy on the big day because I knew I'd feel awkward just standing around trying to avoid volatile BM.

BM whirled in a few days ahead of the wedding and went to makeup parties, nail parties, hair parties, cocktail parties with the bride and all the other women, while I endlessly worked on the flowers and other jobs I'd agreed to do. Even then, though, I was glad to have something to keep my mind off how terrified I was of what might happen at his shindig.

On the day of the wedding, I worked all morning and only left the venue long enough to barely throw myself together. When I came back, the wedding was about to start. I'd already decided to sit in the back so as not to agitate BM or cause conflict. It was a peace-making decision on my part, but it felt awkward -- instead of anyone seeing it as noble on my part and shutting up as they should have, everyone asked why I wasn't sitting up front with my husband.

Right after the wedding came the photos...I thought I'd be asked to be in maybe one or two. I wasn't. Not even one. I latched on to one poor party guest and asked him countless questions so he wouldn't walk away and leave me standing there like the chump I was while my husband posed for a host of photos with his "real" family.

When we went to the area of the reception, none of the centerpieces were on the tables after all the work I did. Weeks later, the bride said they looked so terrible, she ordered all of them off the tables -- I can only think she forgot I'd put them together (yea, right...) or it was a dig for the sake of a dig, which seemed more likely based on her previous behavior over the years. When we were alone, my husband tried to smooth it over with me by saying someone "apparently" fiddled with them after I left to get dressed and that's why SD thought they looked too ugly to be on the tables. I can always count on him to fantasize some ridiculous excuse for SD's behavior! I never forgot this slight from SD. Of course the centerpieces looked shitty -- she was unwilling to spend a dime of the $20,000 my husband gave her for the wedding on real flowers. Using what was available from a garden I didn't even see until the day before the wedding made the task near impossible. I am a journalist, not a flower designer.

Of course, professional corsages were ordered for BM and grandmum, but none for me, which I didn't expect.

At least neither SD nor BM ended up screaming at me. In fact, no one really noticed me at all. I was, for all practical purposes, the wedding planner and little more at this event. I sure as hell didn't feel as if I was my husband's wife.

Now to the end of this saga... It turns out, this event was not a turning point in my relationship with SD. Within six months after the wedding, SD went right back to her same old tricks: sending gifts only for my husband, sending cards to our house addressed only to my husband, snotty comments...it was as if the whole wedding thing never happened.

So there's your lesson about sticking your neck out for SD's blessed event. If you go, the best you can hope for is to be ignored. I wouldn't count on your husband necessarily having your back -- there are so many duties for the father of the bride that you will be alone for much of the day. Unfortunately for SMs, traditional weddings are for intact families, so there's no role for a stepparent except in the best of circumstances.

If you go, try to be realistic about what will likely happen. Glom onto someone willing to be your stand-in date so you aren't standing alone feeling more awkward. Don't drink alcohol -- it's just too dangerous in such a charged atmosphere. My goal was just to get through it and not have a meltdown. I also had an exit plan in place should anyone else meltdown -- I highly advise this. Make sure your husband knows you'll bolt at the first sign of trouble.

Some will recognize the awkward position you're in. For me, interestingly, it was the bridegroom, who quietly thanked me before the wedding for everything I'd done and added, "I'm sure this can't be easy for you." It meant a lot for ONE PERSON out of 100 to acknowledge my situation -- anyone with a brain will realize how uncomfortable you must feel and try to make it a little easier for you. I'm sorry this is so long -- I guess the pain is still right under the surface. By the way, I disengaged from SD two years ago and have not seen nor heard from her since. So all's as well as it can be. Good luck.

While it is sad to hear what you went through, I think it is illustrative of what can happen at a skid's wedding.  The more of us who can relate our experiences, the less expectations others will have about these events.

I wasn't asked or involved in the wedding planning at all, thankfully.  I was afraid I might have been called on, like you were, and I probably would have responded the same way and ultimately been mistreated the same way, too. 

It is also good advice to find someone at the wedding who you can chat with.  In my case, it was a distant uncle of the groom who was in the same career field as I was.  He was a pleasant enough guy and it helped me get through a portion of the evening when my SO was also doing "father of the bride" stuff.

Unlike you, I really didn't have a moment where anyone acknowledged how difficult it might have been for me.  In fact, the bridegroom didn't recognize me before the wedding when I greeted him.  He looked at me completely blankly.  I had to remind him who I was.  Maybe it was just nerves, but I think he had already been coached by SD that I was irrelevant so I was out of mind.  

And YES!  The most important advice you gave - have an exit plan!  I had already decided that if any shenanigans happened where I was being disrespected, I was going to leave - without telling my SO.  I made sure that Uber would service the area and was fully prepared to take one to get out of there.  I even had enough cash money for a cab if I needed one.  

I have two stepsons and one step daughter.   Two who  are respectful, dignified and really niceSS37 and SD27.  The other who is disrespectful, has always been rude and  mean to me.   It has not always been this way,  there were the times when they were all very distant, but SS37 and SD27 were distant but never rude.    SS33, has and will always be rude and disrespectful.

When SS37 was going to get married, he invited me and my children.    I was a bit skeptical about going, even my husband was a bit nervous,  in the end we all went.  To add, BM said that she would not go if I go.   However SS37 said it was her choice if she came or not.  She ended up not coming to the ceremony or party.   I was treated with respect.  I sat next to my husband and we were also included in the pictures.  It was an amazing day.  I must add, his wife is lovely,  well mannered, respectful and clearly comes from a loving, embracing family.    Even in the darkest hours, when I did not get on with any of the steps, she has always been respectful.

Then there is SS33 who I am totaly disengaged from.  He is now courting a young lady who has jumped on the band wagon to join in the 'hating stepmum club'.    They are both rude and disrespectful to me.  Even hubby has started noticing (he denied for years).   Should these two decide to get married,  invited or not,  I will not be going.  WHY.   They are not allowed in our house, even though I doubt hubby has told them.   I turn down any invitation we get from them, as I know it is not geniune.   DH has started addressing his bad behaviour and SS33 is trying to prove that he is not rude to me.  

My take is this.   I want nothing to do with them at all.  They are not involved in my world.  DH meets them outside the home.   With that in mind, why should I jump in their world and attend their wedding. I have absolutely no interest.  Our past experiences has taught me that I will be mistreated and DH will pretend not to see, in order that the day goes smoothly.  I would rather go away for the weekend with friends and have a good time out.  SS33 will never have the opportunity to mistreat me again. I made that promise to myself several years back.  

Hubby made the comment at the last family party, that SS33 and his girlfriend seemed nervous when I arrived.  We have a next family day coming up and he has declined the invitation.   SS33 nervous - brill!  I remember the days when  my stomach would churn, I would feel nervous and sick everytime I met SS33.    Things has changed.  I have taken back my power.  Whether he like it or not I am his father wife.   The wedding will be their day,  their day to share love with whom they want, and hate with whom they depise.   Why put yourself in that position.   However badly they behave, it is their wedding day!   Besides, would you really enjoy the day!

DH and I are currently going through couple counselling, this is something he refused many years back.  He understands that I need to protect myself until I feel secure.   He also understands that a lot more work needs to be done on his part.  Until he gets where he should be,  I will take care of ME.   He can go to the wedding and I will go away for the weekend with friends!  

Listen to your instincts ... then decide.

No way on God's green earth will I attend another wedding for one of my SDs.

If you feel that your SD appreciates you in her life, it would be one thing. If she has a competitive relationship with you, it will be the place where she focuses more on upstaging you than the fact she is getting married. Mine is smart enough to pretend to be so nice and accommodating with all sorts of whackiness going on that my DH would never pick up on....and he didn't.  Even though she had already tried to get me to wear white to her wedding (nope), she and BM tried to get me to sit in the spot next to the aisle in the front row (I sat at the other end), and during the Daddy/daughter dance, a woman obviously with her mother's genes came up to me to ask who I was since I was sitting in the front row but my name was not in the program.   Every time DH and I were around this SD, she asked "am I being a bridezilla"? so she would get reassurance from DH she was being her usual sweet self and DH would not think she was capable of those things.  God, how I wish now I had said "YES!".

Mmmmmm hmmmmmm. 

This is the event where I realized my SD had a competitive relationship with me. Many regrets, but never again.  One of my SDs married before I met DH, and a few years later divorced. She has a serious SO she will likely marry - although no date has been set - and I can say now I already have plans for that weekend. 

I have been in this situation and I can tell you I spent months agonizing about it making sure that all I said and did was correct. I went WAY out of my way making sure I didn't step on any toes and I can say I should have been watching out more for myself.

I googled a lot of information that I think is either outdated or written by someone who has never known a blended family because it didn't leave much of a place for the step parent at all.

It had the step-parent sitting 5 rows back alone and made the parents doing everything together like they were still married.
Now I realize weddings are supposed to be fairy tales but this scenario, acting like the parents are still married was definitely not based on anyone living or learning reality.

The parents are not married to each other and they should be respected and not asked to disrespect their spouse just because their child is getting married. Harsh maybe but reality and something the kids need to learn. Old enough to get married? Well then old enough to start living in reality!!

With that said I think that it boils down to respect and courtesy. That is what should happen and would be really easy in my opinion but every situation is different and unfortunately most don't go that way.

It is after all one day and it should be about respect. That respect includes the parents of the child who is getting married. If their parents have remarried then they should respect that and include the step-parents in the festivities. In my opinion unless there was a huge falling out with a step-parent, disliking them is a learned behavior and is USUALLY learned from the BM.

Married people should never be asked to sit apart or with their former spouse.

Step-parents should get flowers after all it is just a flower and how hard is that really? Often times I think that too much time is spent on making sure that the step parent gets the message that they are not included. This is awful, you wouldn't treat any other guest this way.

At my step sons wedding, I came down the isle with my husband, I was not given a flower. In my opinion if I was asked to be part of the formal wedding party I should have gotten a flower.

We all sat in the front row together with my husband next to the ex's husband. This was last minute and very unexpected as we all do not get along.

We were in one picture with my step-son and his new wife.

At the reception we were on totally opposite sides of the room from the ex and her family.

And we were literally ignored the rest of the wedding and reception.

I had always gotten along well with my stepson and he was never close to his mother. He lived with us and so I guess I was surprised that I was not treated better.

As to not cause trouble I spent months and months finding out what color the BM was wearing so I wouldn't choose the same color and getting an outfit where I wouldn't upstage her as no matter how crazy she is and how much trouble she causes, she was his mother and I was going to relinquish any of the limelight to her for this day. However with that said, that did not and would not ever include anything with my husband not being right at my side through this.

I was unprepared for what happened. No one knew or cared the countless hours I put into being a wallflower. Not only was I ignored, my husbands family and my in-laws, who are well aware of the toxic situation fell all over the ex and her family and barely spoke to me. Shocked could not be a strong enough word for how I felt.

If at all possible I suggest that you try to go to the wedding and reception. If you can't I understand as I will not go again to the next wedding.

Go and shine!!! I realize someone will always have something to say no matter what you do but if I had it to do over again I would have spent more time preparing for me and not worrying about anyone else!!
Be prepared for anything, you never know how people are going to act. Do what makes you comfortable.

If you do go I would find out as much information as you can a head of time so that you are not surprised. I would make sure that no one thinks that you and your husband are sitting apart. I would ask him to find out the details before you agree to go.

While there still could be some unexpected surprises, at least you might have some of the important basics so that you can make our decision.
And thank you to marblefawn with great advice!! have an exit plan just in case something crazy happens and you need to remove yourself from the drama!!

You didn't mention the relationship with the ex?

I have been in your situation before. It is a sick feeling just thinking about it. I am sure you are feeling that same sick feeling right now.

If your SD invites you I would go. I would make sure DH sits with you and is with you during the reception. You go for Him not her. You go for yourself because she is not going to call the shots about how you are treated. If she treats you awful you ignore her. You act like she doesn't matter. Really deep down you know she doesn't. You matter. You buy yourself a beautiful new dress. You walk in looking your best. You have a nice dinner with your husband by your side. You both enjoy a nice drink together. You both enjoy a slow dance with SD watching how much you two love each other. This will show her what she does or doesn't do doesn't matter. This is your life, your marriage and she can not interfere. This is how you handle a SD like this. It does seem to me that your husband has your back in this.

If she does not invite you then you and your husband go away somewhere for the weekend. You call the shots Sue. Always remember that. Do not let her take your power away from you.

I was writing a reply above and remembered another tactic I used to keep conflict at bay on SD's wedding day. You might want to try this if you decide to go to your SD's wedding.

Before the wedding, I asked SD to ask her mom what level of engagement she wanted and expected from me at the wedding.

"Does your mom prefer I greet her? Chat with her? Ignore her? Smile at her? What would make her most comfortable?" SD reported back that BM wanted NO interaction at all with me...a blessing!

Of course, SD later said BM was accused of ignoring her when she allegedly came to greet me and she was pissed about that, but so what? I only wanted was to avoid conflict and preserve myself. By asking before the big event, you get everyone on the same page knowing what to expect -- theoretically, there should be no later unhappiness because of slights, and fewer possibilities for nasty exchanges or surprises during the day of.

My husband has a scar on his chest where BM (allegedly) stabbed him during an argument. I am terrified of this woman's volatility, so I wanted to give her as much space as she needed at that wedding.

I am nothing if not a coward and master planner.

Just a word of warning. . . so called "general step parent blog sites" are or can be oftentimes manned by BMs, BMs alone, and not BMs who are also SMs.  I know because I checked a couple of them out just before and many long since after my SD's wedding.  Some of them will admit to just being mom and dispense such advice as, "Wear beige & keep your mouth shut."  Most stated or implied that it could be awful, but regardless I was to "suck it up and take it."  Not one mentioned excluding SM from any or about 99% of the pictures, which I find occurs quite common here.

There was one nice post from an adult step-child, however, that stated that divorced people do not belong in pictures, and she had no problems with her bio-parents not appearing in any pictures together or side-by-side.  She had no problems with mom, next to step-dad or dad, next to step-mom in any and all pictures, and even insisted that it was only proper etiquette to do so.  So, it is really all over the board. 

The MAIN POINT I always try to make is no one has any right to break up a couple, especially a married couple, without BOTH of their permissions.  There should be no debate on that, and if anyone should realize that, it should be a couple in the throes of wedded bliss themselves.  If they can't see or realize that, then I'd say their marriage is doomed anyway (so, I guess you could say, why bother going then?).

Again, as a SM, only you can decide what is right for you and your situation.

Oh the dreaded, evil SD wedding. I feel your pain in agonizing about what to do. 

After being totally excluded from a step wedding, not being included in any pics or allowed to sit with my DH at another and treated as a 2nd class citizen at another, I can tell you to not put anything past what an adult skid can do when it comes to treating you poorly at their wedding. Other words, don't trust her and don't trust what she says to your DH to try and manipulate him.

I went to two adult step weddings as I was invited with DH.

At the receptions, I was then allowed to sit with DH who insisted I sit with him.

I was not worthy of a corsage at these events and never received any. 

I was not allowed in pics, only meant for the first family. DH flagged one photographer down at one and asked to take pics of me and him. Of course, adult skids said they never saw those pics and DH never got them.

Your DH said he will not attend if you are not invited, then I'd hold him to that. Would he like to be treated the same way? I doubt it. You are a couple and it is evil to exclude one half of that couple.

if invited, I would go dressed up, hair all done, the works. Look spectacular and smile all the time with your DH. Dance and let them know they will not get you down or stress you out. It's also a good opportunity to remind DH that his brood cannot be nice if SD decides to be evil toward you.

Try not to overthink it and let the upcoming wedding get to you. I would not help out in any way. Why help out anyone who would stab you in the back.

good luck. 

Interesting article:  Why Weddings Have Become Meaningless Displays Of Pretense.  https://www.elitedaily.com/women/weddings-nowadays-just-meaningless-disp...

You obviously can't control your husband, but he really needs to stop dwelling on these people. If she chose not to invite then it's time for him to leave it be.  Daugher or not it's time for you guys to live your life. I think you both are too focused on what Step daughter and BM.  For sure neither of you should be anywhere near BM, or the ex in-laws.  I get a wedding event, BUT that should have been it. Hopefully with the funeral diaster that's a lesson learned on completely disengaging.  

Years ago we moved 2 hours away from DH's family.  I couldn't stand some of his sisters, totally made a difference. Seriously if you could talk your DH into leaving the state for somewhere nice I would do it.  Since he won't disengage from this nonsense, I almost think this is your only hope.