Scouts
I don't know where else to turn. I need advice but I don't trust facebook even asking for one of the group leaders to post anonymously.
BM wants me to lie about being the children's stepmom.
Things have been extremely different since her and my boyfriend finalized the divorce.
At first she got really nasty but then after almost complete silence things completely changed.
At the end of July she and I started texting each other directly and it's been amazing for everyone. Her and BF have been coparenting better and instead of going through him she and I just talk about the kids and all the things we need to keep each other informed of.
Anyways she signed the children up for scouts this year. She let us know but it's been almost completely during the week and she covered all the cost.
Well they have a camping trip at the end of this month. She took a job working on the weekends so she could be home with them during the week and BF and I have them while she's at work so it's been pretty good.
Well she asked if one of us would do the camping trip with the kids. She'd have to take off and BF would also lose hours at work so I worked it out and I've got the weekend off.
Well she sent me this training I have to do online. I haven't looked at it yet but she did say that she and the den mom are saying I am stepmom. If I'm not stepmom then I can't share a tent with the children but the thing is I'm really not.
It's not because I don't want to marry my boyfriend but we aren't yet.
Though there has only been a few messages exchanged she also dropped a bomb on me that the children call me mom and she's ok with it.
I don't feel this is a trick on her part. The children have been much happier since things have changed and there haven't been any set backs. All the crap we were dealing with before the divorce was finalized has stopped. She's still herself but clearly the focus has changed to what's best for the children.
I haven't even looked at the training yet. If it's just generic do this and turn it in and if I don't have to say I'm a step parent on it then I'm willing to turn a blind eye. BM has filled out all paperwork, paid all the fees, and the leader of the troop knows the truth.
If we do end up in an emergency situation I know I'll be able to get ahold of the children's father right away so he can make medical decisions. The only reason I need to be stepmom is because the Scouts rule is I can't stay in a tent of a child that's not mine.
I guess my minds just blown. I've been crying happy tears since the message about the kids calling me mom. They haven't really done it much here without instantly taking it back but apparently the oldest wants to. BM said “FSD want's to call you mom because Miss (my name) is too long.” I don't even know what advice I'm looking for. I guess if anyone else as gone though this?
As I've been writing this BM and I have been texting back and forth and she's basicly been confirming my place in the kids lives.
- onequestion's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
oh boy. Please don't be so
oh boy. Please don't be so quick to trust this BM. Be cautiously optimistic, but don't set yourself up like this.
Be cautious
Be careful with this. If you join and break the rules you can be banned from the scouting program. Which would suck if you gave bio kids later that want to join and you are unable to sign up with them.
As far as the rules. Even if your boyfriend went you would not be able to sleep in the same tent as him or the children. Unmarried couples are not allowed to tent together.
You should not sleep in the same tent as either child. Is the little one in kindergarten or first grade. If he is in kindergarten he is a lion and I believe he must tent with a parent or guardian. Not completely sure on the lion part. Our pack just started this rank this school year and are trying to figure it out as well. If he is in first, a tiger, he should be able to tent with other boys that are tigers 5 years old up to other ranks 8 years old.
The girl is only allowed to tent with a parent/ guardian. Or other girls between 7 and 11 years old.
You could have three tents in a row for each of you that way you are closer if they need you, but still within rules. I would suggest any way you go about this that you be sure the cubmaster does know you are not married to the father and that you get a signed note from both parents if possible that they know you are the responsible adult for the kids during the camp out. This will protect you from any backlash. As you were open and up front and there should be no problems.
I have a boy who is Star rank in Boy scouts and one that is a Webelo in Cubs, so have been at this for a while. Good luck
The only reason I need to be
I think you are interpreting this rule too closely. You live with them and dad. They sleep in your house. They may not be legally yours, but they are yours. Even if you were a step parent, they are not legally yours.
When my kids were boys scouts, there were kids who camped with mom's SO. It wasn't a problem. Mom is ok with it. Scout leader knows. Go and have fun with the kids.
Please don't
The youth protection rules are not just in place for the kids but the adults as well. Times have changed and so have the rules. It would be so easy for the BM to get mad at something and use this as ammunition and it would hurt her, the kids, and the scouting program. Go have fun with them yes, by all means. But please seperate tents. It projects you and them.
You're in a tough spot.
You're in a tough spot.
If you lie and the Scouts have a strict interpretation of what constitutes a parent, you may be banned. That will hurt the kids.
If you don't lie and they don't let you go/tent share, and the kid(s) can't participate, it will upset BM that you didn't just lie. That ruins your relationship with her, but prevents your banning.
I personally would contact whoever is running the camping trip and ask them their advice. If they say you can't, then you can't. Likely this move will end your good relationship with BM, but having been through this already with the BM in my situation, it's not that big of a deal.
If you're trying to preserve your relationship with BM, you need to realize that you can't. Ic this is a make-or-break for that relationship, then the relationship was set up under false pretenses - likely, BM using you to make her life easier.
A lot of SMs fall into this trap (me included). BM calls you "the other mom" or refers to you both as "the moms". She invites you out or sends you pictures, etc. It's all great until you have to say "no" to something. Then it all crumbles, because you were only useful when you were saying "yes".
Don't compromise your ability to participate with your SO and his kids in scouts to make life easier on BM. Don't compromise your beliefs to make life easier on BM. If you don't qualify as a parent for the scouts, then you just don't qualify. And bonus, if your relationship with BM falls apart after this, then you know just what she thought of you.
Remember, your SO and BM HAVE to learn to communicate because they are the parents. You getting in the middle may seemingly make things easier, but it just delays the inevitable. There will be times they need to talk, without you, about things that are truly important. If They can't learn to communicate now, then they do their kids a disservice in the future. Don't take on their burden, because it is more harmful in the long term.
Update
So the boyfriend and I talked about it and I messaged BM back this morning. I won’t lie, we were both worried how she would react to being told no but there was absolutely no issue. I explained that I wasn’t comfortable depending on the children to lie and if the issue was me sharing a tent as a nonparent then we have a spare tent and can get another if needed.
No problem at all. She’s getting the oldest her own tent for her birthday and she and her brother should be able to share. I’ll simply put my tent right next to theirs and that’s the end of it.
Honestly this is very telling to how far we’ve come.
She expressed that she was worried about how the little one will act without a parent present. She was including me in that term. I explained that I don't think he'd do any different if I was in the tent or not. I'll stay up till I know they are asleep and if I'm not awake by the time they are I'm pretty sure other adults will be so they can't get into too much trouble.
Really nice
I hope it's real and not a slimy BM trick. Our BM would never act so sane and considerate.
This is a great compromise --
This is a great compromise -- it really sounds as if you're hitting a good dynamic. Please send the rest of us your mojo!!!!!
bring a tent
I was a scout mom and you will learn that adults can't be in the same tents as the kiddos. there are some other things along those lines in the training.
I’ve already done the
I’ve already done the training. Families may share a tent. It says that clear as day. However, I am not legally the children’s’ family. That is why BM wanted us to lie about me being stepmom. I’ll have my tent and the children will share the other. BM is a little worried if the boy will behave without an adult in the tent but we’ll just have to take that chance.