Mom and stepdad getting divorced. Stepdad wants me to go with him. Would I be a bad son if I went??
My mother and stepdad are getting divorced.
My mother has Type A personality: she's very hostile, impatience, and controlling. It's either her way or the highway. I've always been much closer to my stepdad. He looks very intimidating, but he's actually a very calm, down to earth guy. He's really good with just going with the flow.
My mother is a chronic drinker, but she doesn't think it's a problem (she's also very stuborn). In the past, when she's under the influence, she become very confrontational. She's almost like a bully. My stepdad in the past has hand to restrain her because she's gotten very close on laying her hands on me. One time I actually had to call the authorities because she was drunk and threatened to harm me.
My stepdad has told my mother that if she doesn't seek help, then their marriage is over. She doesn't want to because she thinks she's okay. Even though he's told her that she has almost gotten physical with me before, and all she'll is that noting is wrong, and she won't do it again. Then it happens again. It's basically a vicious cycle that isn't about to stop anytime soon. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid of my own mother.
My stepdad just recently told me, that him and my mom are getting divorced and he would like me to go live with him. I just turned 18, so I am able to make my own choice without any parental permission. I just started college and I'm going to UCLA, and my stepdad is looking for houses that are close to the campus.
I know this is going to sound crazy, but I'm afraid to come home after school because of my mom. I've expressed my concern to others and others have said that my mom just needs help and she really needs her only son by her side to help her through this, and others have told me that I need to focus on myself and worry about my own saftey.
With all that's been going on, I have been diagnosed with depression, and I'm currently taking medication and seeing a therapist twice a week. I honestly feel like my judgement isn't the best right now. Would I be a bad child if I were to move out with my stepdad?? I'm very torn right now.
Please go with your stepdad.
Please go with your stepdad. Tell your mom you love her but you can't tolerate her drinking and anger and mistreatment of you. Don't stay with her out of guilt and obligation - it's not your job to put up with abuse or take care of her just to make her happy. You are an adult now.
She will be angry and try to make you feel guilty and maybe even cut you off. But maybe it will be a wake-up call for her. Either way, it's your right to live in a place you feel safe.
I wish my 18-year-old stepson had your awareness.
YOu are 18 and in college
You can live with whomever you want, If your mom is paying for college, she may pull the funding on you. If I were you, I would try to stay in touch with mom, and encourage her to get help. You might also want to go to a support group for people with alchoholic family members.
Good Luck!
Why not?
It's your choice where to live.
Do you go to Al-Anon meetings?
My SIL kept her step daughter
My SIL kept her step daughter when she and her first husband divorced. Best thing for all.
You do not have to live with
You do not have to live with her just because you are her only son. You do not have to accept that she's alcoholic because she refuses to get help. You are in control of your life and that means getting rid of anyone who is harming you physically or mentally. She is mentally terrorizing you so if I were you, I would go live your stepdad until she can realize her self-destructive behavior is effecting you and decides to change.
Go with your stepdad, that is
Go with your stepdad, that is what it sounds like you want (and NEED) to do to be successful in your own life!
Is your biodad in your life? You need to plan on what you will do if your mom cuts you off (she might until she seeks treatment - if she does). Since you are going to college, you will need legal parent information to complete FASFA requirements and once divorced, stepdad info will not work. Please think about that and be prepared. Perhaps even speak with a financial aid staff member to get ahead of it.
The Fafsa uses the financial
The Fafsa uses the financial information from the previous year so he'll be fine when he initially starts school since mom and stepdad will likely have filed joint taxes. Stepdad should be able to provide all the information he needs.
Yes, fasfa is likely done for
Yes, fasfa is likely done for this year, but next? No harm in getting ahead of this for next year.
My oldest has friends that had to delay attending college due to parents not giving info.
Absolutely agree that he
Absolutely agree that he should ask the questions and get ahead of the game. Next year he'll be fine too since the financial information will be based on 2018 information. Parents were married and lived together for over 6 mos of the year and step father will be able to provide all joint financial information. 2020 financial aid may require some extra gathering of info if parents divorce is finalized in 2019. OP should know mom SSN, birthdate and basic financial info/working status.
My exH has not had to fill out any fafsa info for ds19 who is in college in his state. All the info is through my DH, his SF, for financial aid. It's weird how that works.
Your dh (stepdad) is married
Your dh (stepdad) is married to you still. One of the questions asked are your parents married? Whatever parent's info is used also has to complete fasfa and certify it. When his mom and stepdad divorce, stepdad will no longer be a viable signer of fasfa. If mom is not willing to do it and dad is out of the picture also, he will have issues.
Dup
Dup
Adulthood
Going to stay with your stepdad is no different than you moving out to share an apartment with friends. You are making an adult decision to help give you room to grow with a good support system in place.
My BSnow18 and I butt heads horribly. When my DH was offered a job in another state last year, my BS moved with him. We had a family meeting and decided that it was a great opportunity for my Boyo because of his music. And, as an orthodox friend said "when they are 13 we send them to the Yeshiva so they can get out from mama's wings".
You are 18 and have your
You are 18 and have your entire life ahead of you. Your mother is not elderly, infirm, or diseased. She is a bully and a drunk. You can't help her and to try is just facilitating her crap and wasting your life. I know that this whole situation is heartbreaking for you, your mother will play the guilt card, and you will struggle with guilt. Don't fall into that trap. The best thing you can do for yourself and your mom is to live a good life.
Take your SF up on his offer. Keep going to UCLA, engage in your own life, begin the journey of your own life adventure. Your mom may pull her head out of her butt and catch a clue but.. that is far from likely based on her past behavior. If she does, then engage with her, if she doesn't, do not keep placing yourself on the sacrificial alter to your mother's toxicity and adiction.
As reference and background, my wife and I met when my SS-26 was 15mos old. We married a week before he turned 2yo. I raised his as my own. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. My point of sharing this is that a StepParent can be a REAL parent. My son is fortunate to have two REAL parents. His mom and I. If your StepDad is your REAL parent there is nothing wrong with that. My son's BioDad and that whole clan are not really his family though they are part of his gene pool. His life has moved him far up the ladder of success and character from them. Your journey should be for you. If your StepDad has your back then you are blessed. Do not minimize your life for your mom.
Enjoy your life adventure.
Take care of you.
You're young don't waste your
You're young don't waste your youth and risk your future career and other opportunities feeling like you need to help you mom. The people telling you she needs you are either in denial or are very close to her and don't want to see her hurt. I know from relationships with several addicts to drugs/alcohol that they're is nothing YOU can do to fix them they need to help themselves. Go finish school and enjoy it.