Rant ... At my wits ends with SD (17) AND SO
Okay here it goes.. everything that's on my chest.. advice is welcome..!
Okay my SD is 17 and CAN NOT and I mean CAN NOT do or try to do ANYTHING for herself! She can't order from a menu without my SO stepping in, she refuses to get a job ( cause she doesn't like ppl), she refuses to clean up after herself, she interferes with and eves drops on convos my SO and I have privately. She refuses to shower daily. She won't go into store and buy anything alone ( ex. monthly needs) unless my SO is with her. I have tried to disengage and my SO gets mad at me for being distant with her . My SO gets mad at me for not "raising " my SD, the way I raised my girls ( 26 in college and thriving with her BF & 23 lives in Australia thriving with her BF). He even said (if I disengage then we will be done.) My SD is lazy, dirty and has said " I'm not moving out til dad kicks me out". She has no interest in going to college next September because she doesn't like ppl.. ! And to top it off his ex ( lives 5 hrs away) has now decided that she can get my SD anytime she wants and expects my SO to drop everything to go pick her up when she feels like coming to get my SD and he DOES. He was picking my SD up on our anniversary weekend and that was ok with him, he was picking her up when my mother was here after driving 5 hours. Please please advise me am I off my rocker.. how oh how do I deal with this.
What does she not like about
What does she not like about people? You’re people so does that mean she doesn’t like you? That would be hard living with someone like that. She’s going to drive herself right into a deep depression and it’s only gonna make your Dh feel bad then because he will be sad maybe make you sad. She needs to stop setting herself up for failure and put her big girl pants on.
"DH, I raised my kids to be
"DH, I raised my kids to be independent, and they thrive. I cannot fix your parenting mistakes in less than a year. I have raised mine, now you raise yours. If you don't like that, don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya."
If you don't want to engage, then don't do it. If it comes at the cost of your DH, so be it. I would have a very hard time respecting anyone who told me I had to raise their child or they would leave. Fine, leave. I don't need that kind of responsibility in my life.
My guess is that he is as weak-willed as his child. He doesn't want to do the hard work, but he wants a project to be proud of. He is trying to bully you into doing it for him by threatening your marriage. He is telling you where your use to him is: not as a partner, but a fixer and replacement mother for his daughter. If he cared about you, he'd put you first and tell his nearly-adult daughter to buck up.
Weak willed...
That is the best term I've heard and to be honest he is ! He and I quote " l don't want to make waves ( with SD and his ex), it's easier just to give them what they want." I have tried to push him to stand up for himself against his ex and to push my SD out of her comfort zone but alas to no avail. He just won't do it! And when I do try to step in I get undermined and dismissed cause " I'm being to hard on her".
She doesn't like people. So?
She doesn't like people. So? There are people in the world and she can't change that. Learn some coping skills. Or go be a hermit and live off the grid. Chop wood for heat. Draw water from a well.
What is your DH doing to help her grow up and gain some independence? Nothing? If nothing changes she will be in your house forever. I couldn't tolerate that. She needs a plan to launch.Oh, wait, your SO wants YOU to raise her so you are the launch plan. How do you think that would go, even if you were agreeable? Guaranteed, you couldn't do it right. Raising a child involves discipline and boundaries and that pesky word "no."
Your DH is crippling his child. And ruining his marriage all at the same time.
All you can do is decide on your own boundaries. If your DH can't live with what you need for yourself to be happy and healthy, then he can see what a launch strategy looks like -- YOUR launch.
I agree
He is very much crippling his child, he is setting her up to fail. It is so hard to watch such a epic fail of parenting. He admits he has not taught them anything, before I came along SD learned everything from the internet and video games, my SO admits that. Such a sad life.
This isn't rocket science.
This isn't rocket science. You know the answer. So act on it. NOW!
Quit serving yourself up to this non man and his toxic spawn as their Sparental sacrifice.
Enjoy your life. Put them fading in your rear view mirror.
What is he, your dad?
What is he, your dad?
Who is he to tell you who you must tolerate? So if he hates your obnoxious neighbor, you're allowed to demand he spend time with your obnoxious neighbor? Just because you say so? That's absolutely ridiculous.
What an ass.
Call his bluff and disengage. If you're lucky, he'll walk and you'll lose two assholes from your life.
What awful parenting. Your H
What awful parenting. Your H should be forcing his daughter to do all the things she’s avoiding. She NEEDS to interact with people; she needs to learn social skills; she needs to learn how to keep herself and her immediate area clean. *Sigh*
Just call his bluff, plan an exit strategy, and leave them it.
she needs to do
some adulting. does she drive yet? I think probably the best thing for her would be to get a job somewhere. it will kind of help to force some maturity.
Disengage
If SO is done then he done. You can not be kissing there a$$. Maybe the two of them are made of the same stuff
You also need to do some
You also need to do some “adulting” and stop submitting to this man like he’s your Daddeeeee.
Let him be done, you are too;
Let him be done, you are too; you cannot live happily in this misery.....you have lost nothing. Are you happy? If not, you" be done" too.
I can definately relate. DW
I can definately relate. DW treats SD19 like she's 5. She cleans up after her, does her laundry, helps her sign up for classes (shes's in junior college for god's sake!), puts gas in her car, recommends what to order at a restaurant, and no not to keep it cheap but because she says "I know what she likes and doesn't like".
Of course the problem is two fold. SD is a MORON, needy, stupid, lazy, self centered, conceited and I could go on and on. The other problem though is DW is enabling this behavior. DW is so afraid of losing her identity "as a mom", she trys to either consciously or sub-consciously keep SD as dependent as possible. It sounds like your DH is the same in that he values his self worth by having SD be dependent on him.
Sadly, despite my constant remiders to DW that she needs to let this kid grow, nothing changes, and I think in your case as well, nothing ever will change.