Maybe I shouldn't even be allowed to post but Im totally lost
So my partner and I have been together for years, and its been a long time struggle with the bio-mom. She hates me. Outright. For what reason I do not know. Plainly says if hes with me then he wont be with his daughter. I dont know if the bio-mom still loves him but were at the point where he has to leave to see his daughter. Bio-mom has spent the last 2 years telling her kiddo that her father has chosen another family over her and that her father does not love her. All completely false of course. He has made a million attempts to see her spend time with her reach out to her all denied. The leaving to go back to his apartment breaks me and my little girls heart because shes much younger and doesnt yet understand where he is going. When I try to talk to him about my daughter he gets flustered becuase he misses his child. Which I undersand. But how can I not feel for my own? Its a mess. I dont know how to navigate a sitation where I dont feel I even able to have opinion bc I cant relate, I have a great relationshiup with my ex-hubby. He says I am short sighted and selfish. I dont know what to think or say, maybe he is just plain right. He says hes even afraid to come to my house bc if bio-mom drives by she'll tell his daughter and he will lose her all over again and he cant risk that. Its like our relationship has to go into hiding until things can improove. Its the oddest feeling in the world. I have to put myself in a box for a child I know hates me for the man I love in the hopes my daughter wont think less of either of us. Dear God please someone give me stregnth. Tell me what can I do to get thru this?
Is there a CO? Does it say
Is there a CO? Does it say he gets time with her?
If he feels like he has to leave your relationship to be with his daughter, then maybe you should let go? It's easier said than done, but is your relationship strong enough to battle the BM?
Weve been dealing with her
Weve been dealing with her for so long now its common place as sad as that is
Like the 2 above stated, he
Like the 2 above stated, he isn't helpless in all of this unless he has tried to get visitation through a court order. It isn't hard to start the motion and there seems to be no logical reason she can come up with. The big problem will be how much time he allows to go not seeing her. Once a pattern is established, things can get tricky. He needs to move on this if he hasn't alreay.
Even if there was a pattern
Even if there was a pattern he has always tried to pick her up and spend time with her and she has consistently refused despite a court order and even involving the police hes been escorted off of every event and obligation he tried to partake in
How old are these two
How old are these two daughters?
Is you daughter also your partner's biological daughter?
How long is your partner gone from your home when he goes to his house to have his daughter?
Does your partner ever have to do any out of town business/work where he also is absent from your home?
And an aside question , why shouldn't you be allowed to post here? What makes/made you feel that on your very first post? *We* don't bite.
My guess is she probably
My guess is she probably posted on a couple of mom sites or more generic sites, and got her butt royally kicked. It happened to me the first time too. I had to really look to find a couple of sites that took the SM's perspective even remotely into consideration. And, to this day you can find be.atchs that rip into this site royally; mimicking German soldiers from the late 30s and 40s going after innocent Jews in a concentration camp.
There are people out there who truly and literally think that the initial, divorced family can do no wrong, and that SMs are supposed to lay down and accept their Handmaid's-Tale type role when it comes to any interactions with the initial family. They truly and literally think this, and this is in the year 2018. They believe that SMs are supposed to cook, clean, take care of daddy in the bedroom, and do whatever SKs want in their own home (but they, of course, don't see it as SM's home). SMs, to them, are never wives, but are Handmaids; there only for everyone's convenience.
It's pretty horrible and sexist when you think about it. But, there are many women, much less men, who think that way. They can be educated, divorced women with high dollar careers, who want the best for their own daughters, and yet, when it comes to SMs, they will literally see them as a second wife. As far as they are concerned, BM is always in charge and first and foremost, even in dad's home, and especially in dad's home with his new wife. And it's not just BMs that feel that way, either. It is adult step-daughers, professionals and so on, who despite all of their so-called training and knowledge, just don't get it--the same way that southeners, for example, just didn't get that slavery was so bad pre-1865.
All you can do with these type of BMs is either make sure you marry a man with cajones or leave. If your DH is so weak that he cannot even use the court system to his advantage, do you really want to be a puppet/ handmaid the rest of your life?
I knew about the 'evil SM'
I knew about the 'evil SM' stereotype, but never in a million years would I have guessed it was so far reaching and accepted!
It's insane to think that some people truly do not consider a SM an actual human being with real emotions and all!
Yes, there are many BM who think that 'if I don't like who my ex is seeing then he needs to break up with her'. And this post is not the first wherein the BM keeps the kid away from the BD as a way of controlling his life.
In those cases I can only assume the BM still wants to be their ex or they are simply doing it to get back.
Either way, seems the SM will somehow be blamed, because if it weren't for her this wouldn't be happening, right? Wrong.
I wish that society was more informed on mixed family dynamics.
It's not like this is a new thing. For decades there have been mixed families. It's a shame that they are still so hard to navigate. There are too many negative stereotypes out there that many people have preconceived notions about how it's going to work beforehand.
This is exactly exactly right
This is exactly exactly right.... i am blamed. what did i do? Nothing. Im just here. Apparantly with a bullseye of some kind on my body somewhere that only the BM can see. HOW how my gosh how can i get this woman to come around?
Maybe.
Maybe.
In her profile though she refers to her relationship as " a long term committed relationship", and in posting "my partner".
My question to her was more because I thought she was hesitant due to perhaps not 'legally' being a stepparent or that her partner was a long term committed SO/partner and not married husband. I want her to feel relaxed here, not hesitant.
I want her to now that , yes, she is welcome to join and post regardless . The last couple of days there has been grumbling about *our* resident non-SM ( ahem, though I will leave *our* non-practicing former therapist, unnamed here).
Any partner who has spent years , as the OP has, in a step situation is , in my book anyway, a SM , regardless of legal status.
Imagine spending years with BM hating you and playing control games, but not being told . nope, you aren't a SM so you can't/aren't allowed to post on this site.
I completely agree. I don't
I completely agree. I don't think that marriage is needed to validate your role as a SM. Regardless of some arguments I've seen on here that state otherwise.
The fact is OP is dealing with things that many SM are.
Her feelings are totally valid and I hope she feels able to express them free of judgement.
that last litlte bit is the
that last litlte bit is the big question... i just dont get why the BM is so obsessed with making him miserable? i get it shes an expert at it so I guess "why not make him unhappy" is the philosophy. But I an ex-wife to my former hubby and i dont do that so I will never understand. I agree with you about the philisophy of wife #2 partly why I dont want to get remarried. The worst is I would accept less to be with him. I love him enough to admit that. BUT how can I ask someone to come home when hes where he is for his child.
I should have added too, that
I should have added too, that those same women who are so insistent that they be #1 in their ex's life forever, are usually the same ones that as soon as they get a new man, within weeks they are hinting or even insisting that the kids start calling their new man dad (because, in their minds, after all, their new man is a "better" dad). It all has to do with double-standards and unadulterated selfishness.
Is he there for his child? I don't know. Statistics show that about one-third, or even higher, of all divorced couples continue to have sex after divorce. Now, those stats did not say whether or not this was while they were committed or married to someone else, but it does go to show you that a lot of divorced couples want to have their cake and eat it too. In other words, they want it both ways--freedom to go back and forth at their choosing, and not necessarily due to "being there for their child" at all.
I'd look at it, if it was so important for him to "be there for his child," then why did he get divorced in the first place. If BM is truly that awlful, then that is all the more reason why he should go through the court system to assure he gets to see his child or get more visitation or even full custody. It all depends on how you want to spin it.
To me, it sounds like he is trying to make you fully culpable for something, I assume, you had no part in. He gets involved with a witch, has a baby with her, leaves or divorces her, meets you, and now all of a sudden he has a "guilty" conscience and just HAS TO be with BM for the sake of his child!? And, you are the one expected to primarily put up with all of this shiatsu? That's how I see it. Whether you want to put up with it or not is entirely up to you, but don't think for one moment that your DH is being holistically that noble. The flip side is that he may just be enjoying having BM one week and you the other. Maybe why BM is protesting so much is because he keeps telling her she is still #1 in his life.
No one has any way of knowing for sure. And, there has been more than one incident on this site where DH went running back to BM claiming it was due to her illness, children or otherwise, and next thing you know, DH wants to divorce SM and go back to BM. I'm not saying that is the case here, but I am saying that any man who acts like he has no other choice than to kiss BM's pinky ring, is pretty much cajones-less, regardless. There are plenty of more options. That's like someone claiming the only way they can earn money is to rob someone else, which is more or less what your DH is doing here. He is claiming the only way he can "earn" a relationship with his son is by continuing to hang out with and satisfy BM, while robbing you of a part of your life and happiness.
No hes not my daughters
No hes not my daughters father... and hes never usually gone other then this now which feels odd him not being there I feel like an idiot walking around my empty house.
Just bc were not married and its called "step"
He needs to do as the others
He needs to do as the others suggested and get court ordered visitation. So long as their isn't a legitimate reason the BM can keep his daughter from him, then that route is best.
I mean, there's no reason he can't see his daughter otherwise unless he simply chooses not to do so.
Also, does he plan on letting his ex dictate his entire life? I mean if she isn't happy he is with you she likely won't be happy he is with anyone.
He needs to establish with her that she has no say so in who he chooses to be in a relationship with and she cannot force him to do anything by keeping his daughter away because once CO visitation is established she won't have a choice in the matter.
Court order for visitation
Or maybe SO likes it at BM and telling you a story
Thats the other possibility
Thats the other possibility keeping me up at night.
So, does your SO leave your
So, does your SO leave your home to go to "his" apartment.. or to the apartment where his EX lives with his child? Do you live together? or does he still maintain a separate residence?
Honestly, I don't think that BM has a lot of say whether her daughter is "exposed" to you and your daughter. You and your SO have been together for years right? It's not like you are a flash in the pan one night stand.
It's not too hard to understand how his daughter may have been worried about you and if mom was telling her that he left "for a new family".. that could understandably be upsetting to her and make her fearful.. but meeting you and having all of you do things together could actually help dispel that idea in her head. I know BM doesn't want that.. but your DH should not allow his EX to dictate who he is around.
I think my SO's separation agreement had some language that didn't allow either party to have overnight guests in the home when the kids were present (unmarried). They also had a clause about not drinking alcohol in front of the kids.. but in the end, neither of the parents adhered to either of those stipulations lol.
I don't think any of that language got into the final CO.
I do think you have to have a serious talk with him about the future of your life with him.. willyou always be compartmentalized and be kept away from a part of his life? What about marriage? would that change things.. I mean, dating for several years.. will the relationship ever progress? or is he happy with the status quo.. and are you?